Title: It's Quiet Now
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Havemercy
Pairings: Rook/Thom
Word Count: 2,721
Summary: Again, just your simple Room travel fic, but with a fanmix this time. The two things that primarily inspired it are
this poem by Mary Oliver and
this comic from A Softer World. Written for
laliandra.
.
.
The mix can be downloaded
here.
01. Your Algebra by The Shins - Rook
You may notice certain things before you die
Back when Have was still flying and not just a heap of useless scrap metal, back when we’d go swooping in on a raid, when I’d hit the switch and she’d start lighting the world on fire, that was when I’d remember my brother. Something about the smell of fire got inside my head in a way I couldn’t do anything about, hit all the right levers and sent me right back to a time I never wanted to remember, let alone while I was in the middle of a fucking battlefield. But that didn’t stop me from hearing the sound of Hilary’s voice in my ears, from feeling the touch of his tiny hand on mine.
Of course, his face never came back to me, not once. That’d been lost a long time ago.
Now Have was gone, but that didn’t make any difference. Fire and smoke still sent me back, remembering a kid from twenty years ago, even if now his face was right in front of me.
02. Misguided Sheep by Louis XIV - Thom
Well we hide from what we want
So naïve and drenched in sin
We hide from even our thoughts
Until they come around again
There were certain thoughts regarding John that would sometimes appear in my mind unbidden. It could be anything-the fall of a golden braid, the flash of a bitter smile, the cold light of blue eyes-any of these could be responsible for the shiver that made its way down my spine as my brain started stumbling over scenes and scenarios that were so far from reality as to be almost laughable.
I could remember the night of th’Esar’s ball, how much he’d hurt me, and yet how close we’d been. His fingers had been on my throat, and my pulse had been racing.
At the time, I had been terrified. Now, I found myself wondering if he would ever touch me like that again.
I didn’t need these thoughts.
I didn’t want them.
03. Modern Guilt by Beck - Rook
I feel uptight when I walk in the city
I feel so cold when I'm at home
...
Don't know what I've done but I feel afraid
There was something off about the way Hilary was acting. Like he was avoiding me, only he was doing it by being with me all the time.
I’d never been able to get a handle on the professor before, and I didn’t figure that I was about to, but I tried anyway, wondering what in bastion’s name I’d done to make him so skittish.
That was it, though. There wasn’t anything.
So after a while I gave up and just left it alone, and we’d be walking down the road and I’d say something about him being a cindy and a know-it-all and totally useless and I’d watch him smile.
But it wasn’t a smile I recognized.
04. Star of Wonder/None Shall Pass by Sufjan Stevens w. Aesop Rock - Thom
Oh conscience
Where will you carry me?
I found you
Star of terrifying effigies
We were in the middle of the country when the meteor shower began. I could see the whole sky like a huge black canvas up above us as streaks of light flew across it in numbers impossible to conceive.
John didn’t stop walking for a moment, just carried on with his face turned forward, eyes never leaving the road as the stars fell overhead.
I followed him in silence.
05. There’s A Traitor In This Room by Louis XIV - Rook
You’re so unbearable, such an unacceptable
Well, possibly, incredible
There was something about the way Hilary would look at me that made my insides drop, just like a dive. Especially in the half-light of dawn or dusk, with his eyes all eerie and the shadows swallowing up all the rest, there was something there I just couldn’t figure out.
It reminded me of when I’d taken him up on Have, and the way he’d looked at me after, like he was asking me a question but didn’t even know what it was.
I knew one thing, though-it was fucking irritating, and that was all there was to it.
But I kept looking at him, watching those eyes that wouldn’t leave me be, that I could feel staring at me even in darkness, that I knew I never wanted to look at anyone else.
Those eyes were mine.
06. Uncle Johnny by The Killers - Thom
I feel a burning in your body's core
It's a yearning that you can’t ignore
John was drunk again and, as usual, it was my job to try and lead him from the tavern below to our room on the floor above. We made it up the stairs with only a couple of minor mishaps, and got through the door to our darkened quarters without John feeling the need to yell obscenities at all our fellow travelers sleeping next door.
I’d gotten him to sit down on his bed and had just turned to go shut the curtains on the window when I felt his hand, rough and warm, grab hold of my wrist.
“Thom- Hilary, you-”
His voice was liquid, his words jumbled and almost impossible to discern.
“I have to tell- tell you, it’s im- really-”
I turned around and saw him staring at me, the light from the streetlamp outside cutting a harsh line across his face, splitting it into pieces.
With his other hand, he gestured for me to come closer, like a child with secret that someone might overhear.
I leaned down and waited for him to tell me what was so important, but he didn’t say anything, just looked back at me, his eyes the only part of him that seemed to have any control as they stared into mine.
“John-” I started to say after it felt like ages had gone by, but he suddenly started speaking, not looking away.
“Why do you look at me like- like that?” he said, almost in a whisper. “It’s not- what do you want? I can’t- and it’s just so- all I can ever think about is you and your fucking eyes and it’s driving me- fucking-”
Without warning, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine.
In that moment, I didn’t move. I didn’t know how to.
07. Meet Me On The Equinox by Death Cab For Cutie - Rook
And as we walk in the dimming light
Oh darling understand
That everything
Everything ends
Hilary was silent that day. I didn’t have a clue as to why, but I also couldn’t remember a thing past the eighth drink of the night before and I had a feeling that was part of it.
After I’d finished being sick and Hilary’d finished paying, we’d headed out, leaving behind that sorry excuse for a town and heading on into more big open fields, dead and empty now that winter was coming on. The wind was cold, the kind that blew right through you, but I didn’t mind, mostly since it distracted me from how my head felt apt to fall off.
We walked on into nightfall until we hit another town, its flickering lamps shining behind the shadow of Hilary up in front of me.
Not once did Hilary say a word, and not once did I feel his eyes on me.
08. Make This Go On Forever by Snow Patrol - Thom
We have got through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
...
And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness
In daylight, John was the same as he’d always been, cold and cruel and laughing at the world like it was all just a joke and he was the only one who’d figured it out.
But in the darkness of cheap hotel rooms, I remembered what he’d said that night, and what he’d done after. I knew he had forgotten, that much was obvious, and I wanted to forget as well, but instead I just kept turning it over and over in my mind, my memory painting it in the same patterns of cold light and dark shadow.
I lay there, listening to the silence all around, until finally the darkness came and swallowed me.
09. Violet Hill by Coldplay - Rook
It was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow
White snow
The snow came overnight, taking me by surprise when I opened my eyes the next morning and saw that everything had been dressed up all smart and clean, just like th’Esar’s mistress, even if everyone knew there was still just dirt underneath.
The woods were still and silent, the crunching of our boots the only sound as we walked. The trees were all white and black, standing there like a waiting crowd.
The red in Hilary’s lips and the green in his eyes were the only color in that washed-out world.
10. All The Little Pieces by Louis XIV - Thom
I look at all the children
Whose hearts are strong
Running down the street like nothing’s wrong
The first day of the new year was the day we reached the northern coast. We walked across the dark gray sands, past the trees bent back along the cliffs, out towards the roar and crash of the icy waters.
There were children from the nearest village running all around us, kites soaring up above, a riot of color against the dark and heavy sky.
None of them seemed to notice us, laughing and playing as we moved through them like ghosts.
11. Bones by The Killers - Rook
Down to the ocean
It’s only water and sand
And in the ocean we'll hold hands
...
Don’t you wanna swim with me?
Don’t you wanna feel my skin
On your skin?
It's only natural
The wind was howling and the water was freezing cold. I knew I was being crazy, bat-shit and bell-cracked, but I loved the feel of it, loved the pain and the freezing burn and the soft numbness that sank into my bones as I stood in that cold darkness and let it pull me under.
“John!”
I turned and saw Hilary running towards me across the dark sand, half-dressed with his skin pure white in the moonlight. I expected him to stop at the edge, since only an idiot would walk out into the ocean in the dead of night in winter. But I guess that’s what Hilary was.
It was like he didn’t even notice the cold.
“John, what are you- it’s the middle of the night-”
I didn’t say anything as he shouted at me as he ran, just grinned nice and slow while I stood there and the waves rushed past me. The water had made me numb, and with it my brain had finally gone numb too. There was nothing anymore, and that was all I’d wanted for months.
It took him a while to reach me, and when he did, I wished he hadn’t. In that darkness, he was the only splash of light, and it was impossible not to look at him.
“Just- fucking-”
I laughed. It still made me laugh to hear him swear, the last thing you’d expect to come out of his mouth, the soft, round mouth of my baby brother.
He grabbed hold of my arm, so hard that it was painful, and dragged me after him, out from the ocean and back towards land.
I followed him, our wet footprints sinking into the sand, watching the slide and pull of my brother’s white skin over his thin bones. I followed him as he led me through the darkness, wondering what it would take to break apart those fragile bones, all the way until we were back in our room and the heat was creeping back into me like a fever.
12. Barely Legal by The Strokes - Thom
Oh you ain’t never had nothin’ I wanted, but
I want it all
I just can’t figure out
Nothin’
We left the coast and moved back inland, following the river towards the western mountains.
One night, in a dark room that was hardly big enough to hold the two of us, I leaned my head against the cool glass of a windowpane and whispered a plea for the world to finally make sense again.
I was answered by the beginning patter of rain, running down the glass and obscuring the street beyond.
I could see nothing now.
13. New Slang by The Shins - Rook
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall
And I'm lonely
“Thom.”
He looked up at me from his book, startled. His eyes were real big, just like I remembered them from before that one day when everything had changed, without me ever knowing why.
“Y- what?” he said, just as a flash of white light spilled into our room, followed right behind by a roar of thunder. Thom flinched, but I didn’t move. I was too busy looking at a face I hadn’t seen in months, lit up again, not by lightning, but by something else sparking in dark green eyes, eyes that I knew I finally understood.
“Hilary was a three-year-old with a runny nose and dirt on his face who was stupid enough to go around eating fireflies,” I said as the last echoes of sound died away.
I leaned across the small space between our two beds and took the book from his hands, dropping it on the floor.
“You’re not Hilary,” I said, and kissed him.
14. The Lightning Strike I: What If This Storm Ends? by Snow Patrol - Thom
What if this storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo
...
Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless
I shouldn’t have let him. I should’ve stopped it, should’ve said something, done something.
We were brothers and there was no way to change that. Twenty years were not enough to change that.
But then the lightning flashed and Rook’s mouth was on mine and there was only an instant before the crushing thunder began and when it did I kissed him back and let the lightning take me.
15. The Lightning Strike II: The Sunlight Through The Flags by Snow Patrol - Rook
The sunlight burning through the loose flags
Painted high on white church walls
I chase my blood from brain to thumped heart
Until I'm out of breath for trying
Thom’s skin was pale and his eyes were so dark, burning back at me, all that I’d ever thought I’d seen finally right in front of me.
My fingers traced the ridge of every bone, explored the hollows in between them, touched the skin stretched tight over them, skin painted in white lightning by my fingertips.
16. The Lightning Strike III: Daybreak by Snow Patrol - Thom
It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing
That we could see for miles and miles
In between the lightning and crashes of thunder, there was only the pounding of rain, cascading down in the darkness outside. I could see nothing, only feel Rook’s skin on mine, warm and certain.
I was in a darkness, a darkness painted in light.
17. Goodnight, Travel Well by The Killers - Rook
And it's quiet now
The universe is standing still
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing we can do now
Thom’s breathing was slow and steady, and I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against my own.
The storm had ended and the sky through the window was beginning to clear, opening onto a black emptiness filled with cold stars.
In my head, I could hear Hilary’s voice, saying my name. My other name.
I leaned my face against Thom’s neck, smelling his warm skin and listening to the steady pulse of blood beneath it.
It was almost enough to drown out the laughing child in my mind.