maybe i should make something clear
the new job, new man, and new roommates thing didn't really pan out quite as planned. it was unsatisfying, he was crazy, and by then i decided i wanted to fucking bail. so here i am, completing a business degree from LCCC. it's tortuous. it's so not me. and now I am faced with the choice of what to fucking do next. thing is: i don't want to do anything (i am supposed to do).
over and over again, I go to a college campus and get drunk as hell and I wake up the next day and think WOW that fucking sucked. it can be funny but boy is it fucking draining. I want to burn my face with everyone's steaming curling irons as I listen to them talk as they get ready. I want to stomp all over their fucking nice clothes that they wasted money on (only to complain later that they're broke). no wonder why I black out everytime. I cant fucking take it. But then I do really, really awkward things like try to get with anything that may be a male human being.
and heres the even more honest truth. I am disgustingly jealous of everyone else I am with, How do they manage to have so much fun? How do they manage to look so nice all the damn time? All of them have shit going for them and here I am. They all have someone to lean on. Something to look forward to (something tangible and within sight). Being alone for so long as made me somewhat stronger but it's come to a point where I am becoming bitter about it. While I try to reason that having strong emotions for someone can be mentally taxing...I miss it. I want to fucking care about someone so much that I am simply moved by it all. (not that I don't care for my friends' problems, just idk I don't feel with them. also they have someone already to do so). i want someone who wants to do the things i do. someone who won't flake on me. and if i were to flake on him i would feel bad.
i enjoy these people as friends but i didnt miss them a damn bit. i dont miss the roommates i had. i have nothing holding me back and i have nothing driving me forward. i havent found myself drowning for awhile thankfully but idk i kinda feel like im stuck laying washed up from the storm with some water left in my lungs and im too weak to get up. because why should I? where would i go?
over and over again, I go to a college campus and get drunk as hell and I wake up the next day and think WOW that fucking sucked. it can be funny but boy is it fucking draining. I want to burn my face with everyone's steaming curling irons as I listen to them talk as they get ready. I want to stomp all over their fucking nice clothes that they wasted money on (only to complain later that they're broke). no wonder why I black out everytime. I cant fucking take it. But then I do really, really awkward things like try to get with anything that may be a male human being.
and heres the even more honest truth. I am disgustingly jealous of everyone else I am with, How do they manage to have so much fun? How do they manage to look so nice all the damn time? All of them have shit going for them and here I am. They all have someone to lean on. Something to look forward to (something tangible and within sight). Being alone for so long as made me somewhat stronger but it's come to a point where I am becoming bitter about it. While I try to reason that having strong emotions for someone can be mentally taxing...I miss it. I want to fucking care about someone so much that I am simply moved by it all. (not that I don't care for my friends' problems, just idk I don't feel with them. also they have someone already to do so). i want someone who wants to do the things i do. someone who won't flake on me. and if i were to flake on him i would feel bad.
i enjoy these people as friends but i didnt miss them a damn bit. i dont miss the roommates i had. i have nothing holding me back and i have nothing driving me forward. i havent found myself drowning for awhile thankfully but idk i kinda feel like im stuck laying washed up from the storm with some water left in my lungs and im too weak to get up. because why should I? where would i go?