what am i doing?

[intertwangled]

I miss New York. Not only do i miss the place itself, but more, i miss who i was when i was there. i miss the way i felt about life, myself, everything. i have never felt more independent, or healthy or full of life. i feel like i'm stuck. i feel like i'm stuck and hindered being here. i need a change of scenery. not for a few days or a week but for longer. long enough to become independent and long enough to know what i want for my life and how i'm going to get there. it makes me depressed to hear people who know what they want out of life talk about what they're doing. and that shouldn't happen.
i know i want him. i know i want to be with him. but i dont think he could handle me not being there. i dont know if i could handle it. but i dont want to end up resenting him. i dont want to think "what if?". i just can't...