tell your sweetheart not to pine, to be proud her boy's in line

[intertribal]

So, in honor of a post in moviebuffs that startled the hell out of me with its title ("Yo Joe!") and gave me a truly insane thought for a second, but was actually about the new G.I. Joe movie that's slated to come out this year (kill me now, I know), I decided to write a list of things I consider insane about G.I. Joe. You can dissect a lot about the the intersection of consumerism and norms/stereotypes in America from G.I. Joe, so I guess that's one good thing that came out of this piece of shit franchise.

1. I really wonder what would happen if you mapped the popularity of the dolls against U.S. presidents. For example, a successful G.I. Joe re-launch, A Real American Hero, took place in 1982, one year after Ronald Reagan took office.

2. List of people honored with G.I. Joe figures includes:

• Colin Powell and George Washington, two people I would never associate with G.I. Joe.
• Harrison Ford - as Indiana Jones. So in other words Indiana Jones has been honored with a G.I. Joe figure.
• Robert E. Lee. But not Ulysses S. Grant.

3. In a 1985 tv show, the G.I. Joe team was matched up against COBRA, a "ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world." I wonder if Bush watched this as a child, I mean, oil company CEO. COBRA features such characters as:

• The Baroness, the only female character with dark hair. She wears glasses. And wears leather. And she starts off in the movie, at least, in "student radicalism".
• Major Bludd, an Australian mercenary who writes very bad poetry.
• The Dreadnoks, Everglade bikers who like chocolate-covered donuts and grape soda.
• Zartan, who looks like a Thundercat to me.

4. G.I. Joe Extreme has the tagline "Extreme times call for extreme heroes!" G.I. Joe Extreme fights a different ruthless terrorist organization, SKAR, which stands for Soldiers of Kaos, Anarchy, and Ruin. They are led by Iron Klaw.

5. Speaking of Ks, the leader of COBRA, Cobra Commander, appears at least mildly inspired by the Ku Klux Klan.

6. The first female G.I. Joe, Action Nurse, failed.

7. On to the (main) G.I. Joe team itself.

• The fan-favorite/protagonist G.I. Joe, Duke, grew up in St. Louis, Missouri. But he can speak "several Southeast Asian dialects", thanks to the "South Vietnamese Tribesmen" he worked with.
• Main babe Scarlett is from Atlanta, Georgia. She graduated summa cum laude "from a prestigious university" and also passed the bar exam.
• Token black guy Stalker grew up in Detroit, Michigan. He was a leader of a street gang. His real name is Lonzo. You can't make this stuff up.
• Token black guy #2, Roadblock, is from Biloxi, Mississippi. He is both a heavy machine gunner and the cook. He also speaks in rhyme.
• Resident dumb fuck Flint is from Wichita, Kansas.
• Resident ho Cover Girl is from Peoria, Illinois and used to be a high fashion model, but she found that work "unfulfilling", so she joined the Army.
• On G.I. Joe Extreme, a character named Tracker has a trained wolf named Dakota and ESP. Three guesses as to Tracker's ethnicity, and the first two don't count.
• Token Asian is named Tunnel Rat. That is all.
• Token Asian #2 is named Quick Kick. And his parents had a grocery store. Okay, that's really all.

8. Channing Tatum, who plays Duke in the new movie, originally wanted no part of G.I. Joe because he felt it "glorified war" (he'd just finished filming an "anti-war" movie, Stop-Loss). But then he decided it was more like X-Men and Star Wars than a war movie, so he said okay.

And now for a different military Joe - Joe Bonham of Johnny Got His Gun - a quadruple amputee whose face has been blown off on the last day of a war that was already won.


He thought here you are Joe Bonham lying like a side of beef all the rest of your life and for what? Somebody tapped you on the shoulder and said come along son we're going to war. So you went.