my choice
i was going to come to nyc. i had the carpacked and everything. but idon't have the money and iwas supposed to have dinner with ali, and i wasn't ready.
i just couldn't write about all of it. i tried, but it's true, i can't get myself naked.
i just don't want to go there, to new work. not now. I love april, joel, bird-o, preston, and maura-- i wanted to be there for them. but all that money. and being in new york.
it's just not right.
i was thinking about seeing ali. I started to get nervous... like i was still doing something wrong. and then she was maybe going to come to the reading with me and then go to dinner. then i got really nervous, like i didn't want to spend a whole day with her. And just for a second i thought what if kate was there at that reading. And I know I don't have to answer to anything,but i'm not ready for that and oh goodness, it makes my heart sting. how hurtful that could all be. for kate, for me. even if i never did anything. never wanted to do anything-- ali's become some representation of something. Something i don't even know how to handle.
so i called ali and i was like-- "no no. this makes me nervous. all i want to do is have dinner with you. I don't want to make a day of it. we haven't seen each other in 3 months and i'm not feeling like putting an entire day together with you."
and then i was thinking, "fuck, i don't even want to go to new york. i don't have any money for new york. i don't want to see ali. no no. i don't feel good about this at all/"
like, if it's a problem that I still feel shame that i've been talking to ali, like i'm betraying kate-- well then I STILL HAVE ISSUES.
and if I STILL HAVE ISSUES, then i don't want to see her. Because I don't want to have issues anymore. I was thinking about how i'm drawn to her. how we find ourselves drawn to people. how i don't want to be drawn to her. I don't want to. but i am. and how i felt good about the space we had, and i would have told kate we'd spoken, but when ali and i spoke i was getting silence from kate. and isn't it funny in a super fucked up way that i couldn't just say, "oh, kate, you should know, i spoke to ali today. I can't remember,but i think i called her."
that's not such a bad thing. It's just a phone call. it was just a phone call. I'm trying to be naked here, but i sort of feel like my naked isn't naked at all-- it's mean and hurtful.
i'm not doing it intentionally. and maybe if i didn't make such a big deal about things then they woudn't be such a big deal. The thing was, when it came down to it... I didn't want to go. I feel a little bad about it. Like I'm trying to get over something i can't ever get over. Like, i'm tired of feeling bad about how i feel.
like i'm five years old. like I don't know how to make decitions at all. like seeing ali in the first place wasn't a good idea for me. I'm glad that I'm not going to new york.
but it would have been fine. great to see all my friends, ok ok ok to have a meal with an ex... hard to be in nyc--drive by kate's exit and not get off at it. But it makes some sense. It has to make some sense.
I heard at work that everything, your brain and everything-- they stop growing at 25... like, we've learned everything there is to learn-- or how we handle what we know-- our behavioral patterns, by the age of 25. That's a shit of good. It means the work we have to do gets harder and harder. it means i'm shrinking, it means i never know what to say because i don't trust MYSELF.
and how could kate have EVER trusted me if i didn't trust me. It makes sense now. I have trust issues. ANd there was an issue where trust was happening and i made it gigantic and i didn't need to. i only wanted to be with kate and the energy wasn't all there.
i'm not even sure. i made this decition that my LJ wouldn't be all whiney booh hooh i'm sad and all i want to do is write about it-- but sometimes i don't know shit, and it's ok to be sad and write about it and put it all out there. it's sometimes exactly what needs to happen.
i just couldn't write about all of it. i tried, but it's true, i can't get myself naked.
i just don't want to go there, to new work. not now. I love april, joel, bird-o, preston, and maura-- i wanted to be there for them. but all that money. and being in new york.
it's just not right.
i was thinking about seeing ali. I started to get nervous... like i was still doing something wrong. and then she was maybe going to come to the reading with me and then go to dinner. then i got really nervous, like i didn't want to spend a whole day with her. And just for a second i thought what if kate was there at that reading. And I know I don't have to answer to anything,but i'm not ready for that and oh goodness, it makes my heart sting. how hurtful that could all be. for kate, for me. even if i never did anything. never wanted to do anything-- ali's become some representation of something. Something i don't even know how to handle.
so i called ali and i was like-- "no no. this makes me nervous. all i want to do is have dinner with you. I don't want to make a day of it. we haven't seen each other in 3 months and i'm not feeling like putting an entire day together with you."
and then i was thinking, "fuck, i don't even want to go to new york. i don't have any money for new york. i don't want to see ali. no no. i don't feel good about this at all/"
like, if it's a problem that I still feel shame that i've been talking to ali, like i'm betraying kate-- well then I STILL HAVE ISSUES.
and if I STILL HAVE ISSUES, then i don't want to see her. Because I don't want to have issues anymore. I was thinking about how i'm drawn to her. how we find ourselves drawn to people. how i don't want to be drawn to her. I don't want to. but i am. and how i felt good about the space we had, and i would have told kate we'd spoken, but when ali and i spoke i was getting silence from kate. and isn't it funny in a super fucked up way that i couldn't just say, "oh, kate, you should know, i spoke to ali today. I can't remember,but i think i called her."
that's not such a bad thing. It's just a phone call. it was just a phone call. I'm trying to be naked here, but i sort of feel like my naked isn't naked at all-- it's mean and hurtful.
i'm not doing it intentionally. and maybe if i didn't make such a big deal about things then they woudn't be such a big deal. The thing was, when it came down to it... I didn't want to go. I feel a little bad about it. Like I'm trying to get over something i can't ever get over. Like, i'm tired of feeling bad about how i feel.
like i'm five years old. like I don't know how to make decitions at all. like seeing ali in the first place wasn't a good idea for me. I'm glad that I'm not going to new york.
but it would have been fine. great to see all my friends, ok ok ok to have a meal with an ex... hard to be in nyc--drive by kate's exit and not get off at it. But it makes some sense. It has to make some sense.
I heard at work that everything, your brain and everything-- they stop growing at 25... like, we've learned everything there is to learn-- or how we handle what we know-- our behavioral patterns, by the age of 25. That's a shit of good. It means the work we have to do gets harder and harder. it means i'm shrinking, it means i never know what to say because i don't trust MYSELF.
and how could kate have EVER trusted me if i didn't trust me. It makes sense now. I have trust issues. ANd there was an issue where trust was happening and i made it gigantic and i didn't need to. i only wanted to be with kate and the energy wasn't all there.
i'm not even sure. i made this decition that my LJ wouldn't be all whiney booh hooh i'm sad and all i want to do is write about it-- but sometimes i don't know shit, and it's ok to be sad and write about it and put it all out there. it's sometimes exactly what needs to happen.