The Chronicles of Jaechul, Part Twenty-two
Title: The Chronicles of Jaechul
Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Twenty-two (Chapters 211-220)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven. That's a lie.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of. That's a subplot.
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:41:59 AM): This part is so gross. idek
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:42:02 AM): LOLOL
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:42:08 AM): I love it, though <3
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:11 AM): Me too LOL
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:17 AM): LOL GDCHUN ON A PLANE
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:21 AM): worse than snakes
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:22 AM): /shoots self
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:44:36 AM): ROFLNHIJRFSDK
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:47:31 AM): I think that should be the a/n
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:47:41 AM): GDCHUN ON A PLANE. WORSE THAN SNAKES.
Chapter Two-hundred-eleven:
"Alright, well..." Lee Hyori hoisted up a deer. "We'll be seeing you guys."
"Woah, woah, dudette. Whatchoo doin' with that?"
"Taking it."
"We need all seven deer, Hyori Hyorstah."
"I'll make up for it, Se7en," Yoochun offered, massaging his shoulders and winking at Changmin. "I'll be your seventh deer. I'll be whatever you like."
Changmin rolled his eyes and turned away.
"C'mon guys, let's roll. Let's just go find your blood-sucking sweetheart."
"Chula, please," Yunho was begging to the side. "I need you there to help my self confidence."
"I can't, Yunho," Heechul said, shiftily looking away. "I need to get back to Korea."
"Why?"
"Because, uh...uh...the, uh...THE BABY IS COMING! QUICK, JAEJAE!" Heechul sprinted to one of the rental cars and vaulted into it.
Jaejoong stared at the car and then bolted for it, singing his apologies back to Yunho.
"Just like Renesmee!" Yunho exclaimed. "Good luck, Chula! FIGHTING!"
"Fine," Se7en sighed, shrugging Yoochun's hands off. "Dude, wash your hands."
"What's wrong with my skin? Too soft for you?" Yoochun winked.
"Uh...yes. Sure." Se7en stepped away from him. "Well, Yunho...good luck times seven to you."
"Thank you, Se7en."
"Tallyho!" Lee Hyori exclaimed, taking off into the woods again with the deer.
"Se7en baby," Yoochun said, winking and putting his arm on Se7en's waist as they walked towards one of the cars. "Some food for thought?"
"Um."
"You know, we could be groovin' Yooven. Don't you think? We'd be sexy like woah, no?" Yoochun winked twice.
"Um...I find that idea revolting in seven ways." Se7en blinked seven times.
"You like revolting, baby? I can be revolting in fourteen ways for you." Yoochun winked.
"No." Se7en stopped in his tracks. "No, no, no, no, no, no."
"Alright, baby. You go on home to your girlfriend, then. You just wait until the day you start lusting for some Yoochun manflesh. Then no one's gonna help you." Yoochun thought about winking and then didn't.
"Uh...Super Juniors! Ride with me today."
"I could ride y-"
Se7en ran away with the Super Juniors chasing him, ready to help out their friend and occupy all possible space in his car.
Chapter Two-hundred-twelve:
"Sweetie?"
"Sweetie?"
"Yes, you."
"Me?" Donghae purred and kissed Eunhyuk's cheek. "Whatcha want?"
"Ever been in love with two guys at o-"
They pushed Yoochun away and linked arms, forming a barrier against him.
"Nothing," Eunhyuk purred back. "Just your attention."
"Why?"
"Well, there is this thing called a honeymoon."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"Make it a week long," Se7en said, pushing his sunglasses up his nose. "By that time the deer should be in Korea. I'm such a genius."
"Se7en, you are a genius. Thanks to you, Chula won't touch the guts of a deer and catch some deer disease that will kill our baby."
"I wasn't going to touch them, anyway, Jaejae."
"Thank god for slaughterhouses."
"Indeed."
"Guys, do you mind? We're talking about an upcoming romantic honeymoon."
"Yeah." Donghae sniffed, offended. "Seriously."
"Sorry. Do continue."
"Where shall we go? Paris?"
"Go to Palau," Heechul put in, tapping Jaejoong's shoulder until he picked him up and held him like the princess that he was. "That's where we went."
"It was sooooooooo nice."
"Yeah," Heechul said dreamily. "We swam all day and...yeah, well, you guys live together anyway. Nice place, Palau."'
"Oooh, sexy." Yoochun winked.
"To Palau, my fishie?"
"Only if there are trees for you to climb in, my monkey!"
"There are both." Heechul wiped away a tear. "Gosh you guys are adorable."
"Adorable fishie," Eunhyuk cooed, pinching Donghae's cheeks. "Aigoo."
"To the gate!"
"Uh, actually...this is the parting of ways."
"Yeah. See you guys back in Korea."
Chapter Two-hundred-thirteen:
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Kangin roared, leaning back and patting his stomach as he laughed.
Key almost spat on him.
"Like hell you can come with us, where we're going to spend a night in a hotel, and Taemin will be alone, because of our odd number. I see your mind, Key. Put a muzzle on that demon in you, boy," Kangin said, fanning himself with his camouflage hat. He looked at Key's expression and started giggling again.
"Sorry, Key," Donghae said, stroking Taemin's hair as Taemin looked anywhere but at Key. "It's too soon."
"I just want to be with him!" Key cried. "Okay? I have good intentions!"
"I don't believe you."
"Key, I..." Taemin spoke up softly, clinging to Donghae's t-shirt. "I just need some time."
"Taemin." Key's eyes shone with tears. "You don't think that badly of me, do you?"
"I...I...I really like you, hyung!"
"Oh, Taemin! You do?!"
"I'm so sorry but I love you but it's all lies!" sang Taeyang and Daesung as they passed by, clapping soulfully.
"...You know, even if Canada is covered in ice, it will be nice to get a break from that," Eunhyuk said, gathering Taemin into his arms and hugging him. "Hey, listen, if you want, we can bring Key with us. We'll lock him in a room at night, okay?"
"No, I...I don't want him to come." Taemin started crying and buried his face in the Eunhae shoulder. "I'm sorry, hyung!"
"Taemin..." Key sniffed.
"I like you, but...! I need time to myself, time to think!"
"Then..." Key took a deep breath and hugged himself, for there was no one to hug Key. "I'll see you at the comeback stage!"
"Yeah. I promise to come back!"
"We all do," Kangin said. "No one wants to stay in Canada."
"It wouldn't be so bad," Shindong said. "I mean, you can lock yourself in an igloo with tons of meat during the winter."
"Winter lasts all year up there, Shindong."
"All year?"
"Yes, all year."
"We don't like cold, do we, Taemin?" Donghae snuggled him.
"Aren't you kind of close to him?" Key asked suspiciously.
"This is the purest kind of love, Key. Ask Kangin, he'll tell you about it."
"Like hell I'd ask Kangin about anything."
"Suit yourself." Eunhae shrugged and walked with Taemin to the line to board.
"Bye."
Key stormed off in a huff.
Chapter Two-hundred-fourteen:
Yoochun poked his nose between the two seats in front of him.
"Never gonna give you up," he sang in a whisper to Heechul. "Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."
Heechul blinked and sat up, twisting around to look at Yoochun's smiling face. Heechul took one look at his greasy smirk and smacked Jaejoong.
"Wake up, hubby Jaejae."
Jaejoong sniffed and removed his borrowed lacy pink sleeping mask.
"What is it?"
"Look." Heechul pointed at Yoochun, who was making kissy faces at him.
"Yoochun? What are you...?"
"You know how well Rick Astley can love?" Yoochun whispered. "Baby, I can do better."
"Dude..." Jaejoong's jaw dropped in slow motion. "Seriously? My pregnant wife? Seriously?"
"I'm not leaving you out of this, baby." Yoochun winked at him.
Jaejoong's cheeks turned red.
"Yoochun, I-"
Jaejoong was interrupted by the sharp noise of Heechul's hand hitting Yoochun's cheek.
"-know we're best friends, b-"
Heechul hawked a loogie and spat it onto Yoochun's face.
"-ew."
Heechul poked Yoochun's eye. Yoochun shrieked in pain and Heechul shoved him back between the seats.
"Hey baby," Yoochun said, throwing a sloppy, one-eyed grin at the person sitting next to him. "You look good with that blond, babe. Gooooooood."
"'Ey, yo face's all nasty, bro," G-Dragon said, leaning towards the window. "Damn, das nasty."
"Baby, if it's the slime of my heart, it's no slime at all."
"Clean it, yo!" G-Dragon grimaced.
"I thought you liked it dirty. I like it dirty." Yoochun winked.
"Wipe yo face!"
Yoochun wiped his face off with a napkin.
"Das betta."
"So baby, how's about you and me write a bad romance when we gat back to Seoul and do some deep soul searching...in bed?"
"Hell naw."
"Why not? Am I just too sexy for you?" Yoochun winked.
"I got someone I like, yo!"
"We can invite him or her to the party too." Yoochun waggled his eyebrows.
G-Dragon vomited into the complimentary vomit bag stored in his seat pocket.
Chapter Two-hundred-fifteen:
Yoochun sauntered out of the gate and into the sound waves of screaming fangirls. He winked at them as he passed, flashing an oily grin at some, and sent a victorious glance backwards at Changmin...only to realize that Changmin wasn't with them.
Jaejoong skirted around him and headed with Heechul towards their love taxi that would return them to their love nest for a homecoming love fest.
"Le's go!" G-Dragon hissed over his shoulder as he, T.O.P, and Daesung tiptoed past him, bent at the waist, clutching their belongings. "Flee!"
Yoochun looked back at Se7en and Key. Se7en put his arm around Key's shoulders and said a few words to him.
"Ooooh," Yoochun said, taking a step back and winking in slow motion at them. "Make out!"
Se7en looked up and put seven fingers over Key's mouth to keep him from saying something snarky to Yoochun.
"Woah, dude. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go there."
"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay," Yoochun said with a roll of his eyes.
"Don't mock me."
"I woudn-"
"The next time you do, I'll do seven unpleasant things to you."
"Oooh, you'll do things to me," Yoochun said, looking Se7en up and down. "I look forward to it."
"You're incorrigible."
"Is that a synonym for sexy?"
"No."
"Well you are." Yoochun winked.
"Yoochun hyung! Here you are!" said a new voice.
Yoochun whirled around.
"My baby Susy Su Suuuuuu!" He grabbed him and lifted him up and spun him around.
"Woah, woah!" Junsu wriggled to get free. "Where is your hand?!"
"Oh, sorry." Yoochun chortled dirtily. "My bad."
"Put me down!"
Yoochun put him down.
"C'mon," he said. "I drove all the way here to get you. Oh, hey, Se7en!"
"Yo, Xiah!" Se7en saluted him. "I only buy dolphin safe products!"
Junsu squealed.
Chapter Two-hundred-sixteen:
Yoochun turned up the volume in the car.
"It's gettin' kinda hot in here," he sang in falsetto. "Unf. So take off your clothes!"
He unbuttoned his shirt, swaying to the music.
"Susu, don't you love this song?"
"Um, hyung, what are you doing?" Junsu shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"I said, don't you think it's getting kind of hot in here?"
"No? I'm fine," Junsu said, glancing at him.
"Look all you like, baby."
"I wasn-"
"I'll just take this off and give you the full view of my sexy shoulders. Oh, my torso, so manly!"
"Yoochun, what's gotten into you? I don't want to see your chest!"
Yoochun shrugged off his shirt with exaggerated movements close to chest pumps and kissed his bicep.
"Don't you just want to touch this beautiful piece of manflesh?" he leaned towards Junsu.
"No! Yoochun, stop!"
"Oh I'll stop." He touched Junsu's thigh, walking his fingers onto it like a tiny person.
Junsu slapped his hand away.
"Sit down! What's wrong with you?"
"I got the love disease, Susu!" Yoochun moaned, replacing his hand. "Don't let me down."
"What about Changmin?! You know he's gonna be pissed if he finds out you're coming onto me like this!"
"Junsu, I always loved you more! That's why I gave you that ring!"
Junsu let out a hurt gasp. "You said it was a friendship ring!"
"Best friends make the best lovers, Susu!"
"You have a lover!"
"We broke up."
"What?!"
"We broke up, and now we're free to get get get jiggy, baby!"
"I don't want to..to...g-...g-get..." Junsu blushed. "I don't want to do that!"
"Jig-jig-jiggy!" Yoochun puckered his lips and tried to kiss him.
Junsu smacked him and pushed him back.
"YOOCHUN, STOP!" he squeaked, gripping the wheel tightly.
"Baby, do-" Yoochun twisted towards him in his seat.
"NO! SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"
"I LIKE IT WHEN YOU YELL!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"BABY I LIKE IT WHEN YOU SHOW ME YOUR PASSIONABLE EMOTIONS! COME HERE, SUSU SU SEXY!" Yoochun winked.
"BACK THE FUCK OFF!"
Chapter Two-hundred-seventeen:
"Key," Se7en said, handing him a seven fruit smoothie. "I think we can both agree seven times that you need love help in seven ways."
"Man what is your deal with the number seven? Can't you use other numbers? Don't you know math?"
"Of course I know math," Se7en said, sitting down on the seventh barstool. "For instance, three plus four equa-"
"Forget it."
"I brought you here to talk about your seven love strategies, Key."
Key moodily stirred around his smoothie.
"It's just that they're being so stupid!" he spat. "I was just out hunting with Taemin and having a nice fun platonic time with him. And fuck, he's basically my age! What's the big deal?"
"Well, you know, Kangin is a father."
"So what?"
"So he feels he has to look out for children like Taemin. But Key, that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm on your side."
"Are you?"
"Yes. I want you to tackle this problem and become Minkey and love him for forty nine years."
"Minkey?"
"Taemin plus Key. It's like relationship math."
"Oh, I see."
"Yes, so. Key. I think I have a great first strategy for you to win that adorable boy's heart."
"You think he's adorable too?"
"Adorable in seven ways."
Key smiled. "Okay, what's the strategy? I can't deny you've got a reputation as the love guru."
"Oh, well I do try. Alright, Key." Se7en loaded a page on his laptop and turned it towards Key. "What do you see?"
"A peacock?"
"Yes. Now?"
"A bird? Wow, it's so fabulous."
Se7en showed him five more birds of paradise.
"Now, Key. What do all these birds have in common?"
"Uh...colors?"
"They're all male, Key. All these birds are so colorful so as to attract a mate! So what must you do, Key?"
"Become a bird? C'mon, get real, Se7en."
"Dye your hair the colors of the rainbow. Be the bird, Key. Taemin will flock to you."
Chapter Two-hundred-eighteen:
"Boo!" Heechul called, walking into the kitchen to find Jaejoong staring at the ingredients needed for a sandwich, at a loss for what to do with them.
"Yes, Chullieboo?"
"I need food, my god." He yanked open the refrigerator and peered in. "Where is it...ah."
"Whatcha gettin'?" Jaejoong asked eagerly. "Making food?"
"No," he said, slamming a bottle of honey mustard down on the counter.
"Honey crusted chicken?"
"I so do not want chicken!" Heechul handed Jaejoong an unopened jar of pickles. "Open this!"
Jaejoong grasped it and twisted it.
"Owww," he moaned, letting go and rubbing his wrist. "Why is it so hard to open?!"
"Your muscles are useless!" Heechul rolled his eyes and took the jar from him. He opened in in one swift twist, the jar opening with a surrendering pop!
"Oh, baby, you're so impressive!"
Heechul tossed his hair and poured half of the pickle juice into a mug.
"Baby whachoo doing?" Jaejoong murmured, watching him with rapt amorous attention.
"Mixin' stuff."
"Why?" Jaejoong puckered his lips and batted his eyelashes at him. "Mocktails? For cuddle hour?"
"Nah." Heechul picked up the bottle of honey mustard and squirted it into the mug, mixing it with the pickle juice with a Korean spoon.
"Boo...?"
"Mm?" Heechul picked up the mug and started chugging its contents.
Jaejoong recoiled in horror and threw up into his mouth.
"Boo, what are you doing?!"
"AAAHHHHHH." Heechul slammed down the mug. "That's better."
"BOO! WHY?!"
"Baby craves strange things, Jaejae." Heechul said, stroking his stomach. "Don't you, goochieboo?"
"It's for the baby?" Jaejoong said in a strangled whisper.
"Mmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Goochie goochie goo," he giggled, tickling his stomach.
"That was disgusting! Can't it like more normal things?"
"Like what?"
"Kimuchi!" Jaejoong flashed a smile and a peace sign.
Heechul gagged.
"What kind of Korean are you?!" Jaejoong gasped, clutching at his heart full of kimchi.
"What about you? It's kimchi, not kimuchi!"
"Oh whatever!"
"Yo man, touch, this is important!" Heechul jabbed him in the shoulder. "Traitor! That's what you are, Kim Jaejoong! A traitor!"
Jaejoong gasped. "How dare you call me by my full name?!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Jaejae."
"That's alright."
"Jaejaebooboo," Heechul crooned, pinching his collarbone.
"Yes, Chullieboo?"
"It's cuddle hour!"
Chapter Two-hundred-nineteen:
Junsu slammed his door shut and locked it, diving onto the bed as he had been taught to in dive school and sobbing hysterically into his pillow.
The floor outsider his room creaked.
"YOOCHUN, GO AWAY!" he shrieked, hiding under the blankets. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Creeeeeeeeeeak.
He stared at the door in horror as the light beneath the door vanished.
"Baby," Yoochun crooned. "I won't hurt you. I'ma love you long time and make you real happy."
Junsu shuddered and moaned, clutching his pillow.
"Yoochun, no. I don't want you!"
Yoochun stuck his fingers beneath the door and wiggled them.
"I said no! When did you get to be such a creepy stalker, huh?!"
"For youuuuuuu."
Junsu leapt up and flew to the door.
"Omo! Are you opening up for me, baby?" Yoochun's excited voice chirped, wiggling his fingers faster.
Junsu stomped down on them with his shoe, again and again and again and agaaaaaayuhn!
Yoochun howled in pain and withdrew his crushed hand.
"FINE," he yelled. "BITCH. I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN APPRECIATE THIS SEXINESS RIGHT HERE."
"GO!" Junsu sobbed. "DON'T COME BACK."
"SEE IF I DO!"
Yoochun stormed to a hospital to get his hand amputated.
Chapter Two-hundred-twenty:
"Edward could hike up this mountain easily," Yunho gushed, glancing back at Lee Hyori and Changmin, who were following him up the steep side of a mountain, grabbing onto trees as they pulled themselves up through the thick foliage. "He's so strong. He eats mountain lions because he wouldn't dare hurt a human!"
He sighed dreamily.
"I can't wait to meet him, you guys! I can't wait to be held in his strong diamond arms and have him breathe his perfumed breath onto my face before he kisses me with his icy lips and whispers his literally undying love for me, holding me in his beautiful strong arms as he kisses me with his beautiful icy lips and his beautiful face so close. Ahhh, soon, soon!"
He shook his fist in the air and upped the pace.
"And you know, he can cook and play piano and do everything. He's so smart. He can do anything."
"Can he," murmured Lee Hyori, pausing to wipe her brow. Changmin hit her arm and sent her a withering glance.
"What?" Lee Hyori mouthed furiously.
"Don't encourage him!" Changmin mouthed back, flinging his hands up in despair.
Lee Hyori rolled her eyes and started hiking again.
"Oh, Edward, Edward, I wonder where you are?" Yunho sighed. "Will I find you soon? My love? My pet? My shining diamond with your amber eyes of admirable restraint? When we meet, what shall we do? Shall we be abstinent until you propose to me and draw me into your marital embrace and bed? Oh, Edward."
"Jesus fucking christ," Changmin breathed, covering his ears as he climbed after them.
"Oh, look, everyone! A cave! Maybe Edward is hiding inside waiting for me!" He skipped up towards a cave settled into the mountainside.
He stopped and cupped his hand around his ear, leaning towards it.
"Do you hear that? It sounds like...a guitar! My Edward is musical! It must be him!"
He skipped to the entrance of the cave so speedily that Lee Hyori and Changmin had to jog to keep up with him.
They entered the cave and laid eyes on a mysterious figure leaning over a guitar, strumming it emotively, their back turned to them. A sheet of long black hair hung down over his shoulders.
"Edward? You dyed your hair?"
The figure turned around.
Authors: aidenrose and tvxqsocks
Part: Twenty-two (Chapters 211-220)
Previous parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, Se7en, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21
Total length: 777 chapters de gozaimasu.
Rating: PG-13 (sex changes, pregnancy, minor violence, language, and general stupidity. Contains a lot of jokes meant to be read and appreciated by true fans of SM Town and other fandoms.)
Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to be offensive. It is intended to be taken as humor.
Frequency of Updates: Every day that is a multiple of seven. That's a lie.
Genre: Crack fan fiction. A.K.A, ridiculous parody-like nonsense. Humor.
Pairing: Jaejoong x Heechul
Synopsis: In order to get revenge against Lee Soo Man pushing him down a flght of stairs, Heechul gets the sex change he's always craved. Later he meets Jaejoong and it's love at first sight. This fic is about their daughter, Jaechul. Sort of. That's a subplot.
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:41:59 AM): This part is so gross. idek
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:42:02 AM): LOLOL
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:42:08 AM): I love it, though <3
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:11 AM): Me too LOL
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:17 AM): LOL GDCHUN ON A PLANE
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:21 AM): worse than snakes
th3se7enw0nd3rz (2:42:22 AM): /shoots self
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:44:36 AM): ROFLNHIJRFSDK
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:47:31 AM): I think that should be the a/n
RAWRLIKEABUNNY (2:47:41 AM): GDCHUN ON A PLANE. WORSE THAN SNAKES.
Chapter Two-hundred-eleven:
"Alright, well..." Lee Hyori hoisted up a deer. "We'll be seeing you guys."
"Woah, woah, dudette. Whatchoo doin' with that?"
"Taking it."
"We need all seven deer, Hyori Hyorstah."
"I'll make up for it, Se7en," Yoochun offered, massaging his shoulders and winking at Changmin. "I'll be your seventh deer. I'll be whatever you like."
Changmin rolled his eyes and turned away.
"C'mon guys, let's roll. Let's just go find your blood-sucking sweetheart."
"Chula, please," Yunho was begging to the side. "I need you there to help my self confidence."
"I can't, Yunho," Heechul said, shiftily looking away. "I need to get back to Korea."
"Why?"
"Because, uh...uh...the, uh...THE BABY IS COMING! QUICK, JAEJAE!" Heechul sprinted to one of the rental cars and vaulted into it.
Jaejoong stared at the car and then bolted for it, singing his apologies back to Yunho.
"Just like Renesmee!" Yunho exclaimed. "Good luck, Chula! FIGHTING!"
"Fine," Se7en sighed, shrugging Yoochun's hands off. "Dude, wash your hands."
"What's wrong with my skin? Too soft for you?" Yoochun winked.
"Uh...yes. Sure." Se7en stepped away from him. "Well, Yunho...good luck times seven to you."
"Thank you, Se7en."
"Tallyho!" Lee Hyori exclaimed, taking off into the woods again with the deer.
"Se7en baby," Yoochun said, winking and putting his arm on Se7en's waist as they walked towards one of the cars. "Some food for thought?"
"Um."
"You know, we could be groovin' Yooven. Don't you think? We'd be sexy like woah, no?" Yoochun winked twice.
"Um...I find that idea revolting in seven ways." Se7en blinked seven times.
"You like revolting, baby? I can be revolting in fourteen ways for you." Yoochun winked.
"No." Se7en stopped in his tracks. "No, no, no, no, no, no."
"Alright, baby. You go on home to your girlfriend, then. You just wait until the day you start lusting for some Yoochun manflesh. Then no one's gonna help you." Yoochun thought about winking and then didn't.
"Uh...Super Juniors! Ride with me today."
"I could ride y-"
Se7en ran away with the Super Juniors chasing him, ready to help out their friend and occupy all possible space in his car.
Chapter Two-hundred-twelve:
"Sweetie?"
"Sweetie?"
"Yes, you."
"Me?" Donghae purred and kissed Eunhyuk's cheek. "Whatcha want?"
"Ever been in love with two guys at o-"
They pushed Yoochun away and linked arms, forming a barrier against him.
"Nothing," Eunhyuk purred back. "Just your attention."
"Why?"
"Well, there is this thing called a honeymoon."
"Yes?"
"Yes."
"Make it a week long," Se7en said, pushing his sunglasses up his nose. "By that time the deer should be in Korea. I'm such a genius."
"Se7en, you are a genius. Thanks to you, Chula won't touch the guts of a deer and catch some deer disease that will kill our baby."
"I wasn't going to touch them, anyway, Jaejae."
"Thank god for slaughterhouses."
"Indeed."
"Guys, do you mind? We're talking about an upcoming romantic honeymoon."
"Yeah." Donghae sniffed, offended. "Seriously."
"Sorry. Do continue."
"Where shall we go? Paris?"
"Go to Palau," Heechul put in, tapping Jaejoong's shoulder until he picked him up and held him like the princess that he was. "That's where we went."
"It was sooooooooo nice."
"Yeah," Heechul said dreamily. "We swam all day and...yeah, well, you guys live together anyway. Nice place, Palau."'
"Oooh, sexy." Yoochun winked.
"To Palau, my fishie?"
"Only if there are trees for you to climb in, my monkey!"
"There are both." Heechul wiped away a tear. "Gosh you guys are adorable."
"Adorable fishie," Eunhyuk cooed, pinching Donghae's cheeks. "Aigoo."
"To the gate!"
"Uh, actually...this is the parting of ways."
"Yeah. See you guys back in Korea."
Chapter Two-hundred-thirteen:
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Kangin roared, leaning back and patting his stomach as he laughed.
Key almost spat on him.
"Like hell you can come with us, where we're going to spend a night in a hotel, and Taemin will be alone, because of our odd number. I see your mind, Key. Put a muzzle on that demon in you, boy," Kangin said, fanning himself with his camouflage hat. He looked at Key's expression and started giggling again.
"Sorry, Key," Donghae said, stroking Taemin's hair as Taemin looked anywhere but at Key. "It's too soon."
"I just want to be with him!" Key cried. "Okay? I have good intentions!"
"I don't believe you."
"Key, I..." Taemin spoke up softly, clinging to Donghae's t-shirt. "I just need some time."
"Taemin." Key's eyes shone with tears. "You don't think that badly of me, do you?"
"I...I...I really like you, hyung!"
"Oh, Taemin! You do?!"
"I'm so sorry but I love you but it's all lies!" sang Taeyang and Daesung as they passed by, clapping soulfully.
"...You know, even if Canada is covered in ice, it will be nice to get a break from that," Eunhyuk said, gathering Taemin into his arms and hugging him. "Hey, listen, if you want, we can bring Key with us. We'll lock him in a room at night, okay?"
"No, I...I don't want him to come." Taemin started crying and buried his face in the Eunhae shoulder. "I'm sorry, hyung!"
"Taemin..." Key sniffed.
"I like you, but...! I need time to myself, time to think!"
"Then..." Key took a deep breath and hugged himself, for there was no one to hug Key. "I'll see you at the comeback stage!"
"Yeah. I promise to come back!"
"We all do," Kangin said. "No one wants to stay in Canada."
"It wouldn't be so bad," Shindong said. "I mean, you can lock yourself in an igloo with tons of meat during the winter."
"Winter lasts all year up there, Shindong."
"All year?"
"Yes, all year."
"We don't like cold, do we, Taemin?" Donghae snuggled him.
"Aren't you kind of close to him?" Key asked suspiciously.
"This is the purest kind of love, Key. Ask Kangin, he'll tell you about it."
"Like hell I'd ask Kangin about anything."
"Suit yourself." Eunhae shrugged and walked with Taemin to the line to board.
"Bye."
Key stormed off in a huff.
Chapter Two-hundred-fourteen:
Yoochun poked his nose between the two seats in front of him.
"Never gonna give you up," he sang in a whisper to Heechul. "Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."
Heechul blinked and sat up, twisting around to look at Yoochun's smiling face. Heechul took one look at his greasy smirk and smacked Jaejoong.
"Wake up, hubby Jaejae."
Jaejoong sniffed and removed his borrowed lacy pink sleeping mask.
"What is it?"
"Look." Heechul pointed at Yoochun, who was making kissy faces at him.
"Yoochun? What are you...?"
"You know how well Rick Astley can love?" Yoochun whispered. "Baby, I can do better."
"Dude..." Jaejoong's jaw dropped in slow motion. "Seriously? My pregnant wife? Seriously?"
"I'm not leaving you out of this, baby." Yoochun winked at him.
Jaejoong's cheeks turned red.
"Yoochun, I-"
Jaejoong was interrupted by the sharp noise of Heechul's hand hitting Yoochun's cheek.
"-know we're best friends, b-"
Heechul hawked a loogie and spat it onto Yoochun's face.
"-ew."
Heechul poked Yoochun's eye. Yoochun shrieked in pain and Heechul shoved him back between the seats.
"Hey baby," Yoochun said, throwing a sloppy, one-eyed grin at the person sitting next to him. "You look good with that blond, babe. Gooooooood."
"'Ey, yo face's all nasty, bro," G-Dragon said, leaning towards the window. "Damn, das nasty."
"Baby, if it's the slime of my heart, it's no slime at all."
"Clean it, yo!" G-Dragon grimaced.
"I thought you liked it dirty. I like it dirty." Yoochun winked.
"Wipe yo face!"
Yoochun wiped his face off with a napkin.
"Das betta."
"So baby, how's about you and me write a bad romance when we gat back to Seoul and do some deep soul searching...in bed?"
"Hell naw."
"Why not? Am I just too sexy for you?" Yoochun winked.
"I got someone I like, yo!"
"We can invite him or her to the party too." Yoochun waggled his eyebrows.
G-Dragon vomited into the complimentary vomit bag stored in his seat pocket.
Chapter Two-hundred-fifteen:
Yoochun sauntered out of the gate and into the sound waves of screaming fangirls. He winked at them as he passed, flashing an oily grin at some, and sent a victorious glance backwards at Changmin...only to realize that Changmin wasn't with them.
Jaejoong skirted around him and headed with Heechul towards their love taxi that would return them to their love nest for a homecoming love fest.
"Le's go!" G-Dragon hissed over his shoulder as he, T.O.P, and Daesung tiptoed past him, bent at the waist, clutching their belongings. "Flee!"
Yoochun looked back at Se7en and Key. Se7en put his arm around Key's shoulders and said a few words to him.
"Ooooh," Yoochun said, taking a step back and winking in slow motion at them. "Make out!"
Se7en looked up and put seven fingers over Key's mouth to keep him from saying something snarky to Yoochun.
"Woah, dude. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go there."
"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay," Yoochun said with a roll of his eyes.
"Don't mock me."
"I woudn-"
"The next time you do, I'll do seven unpleasant things to you."
"Oooh, you'll do things to me," Yoochun said, looking Se7en up and down. "I look forward to it."
"You're incorrigible."
"Is that a synonym for sexy?"
"No."
"Well you are." Yoochun winked.
"Yoochun hyung! Here you are!" said a new voice.
Yoochun whirled around.
"My baby Susy Su Suuuuuu!" He grabbed him and lifted him up and spun him around.
"Woah, woah!" Junsu wriggled to get free. "Where is your hand?!"
"Oh, sorry." Yoochun chortled dirtily. "My bad."
"Put me down!"
Yoochun put him down.
"C'mon," he said. "I drove all the way here to get you. Oh, hey, Se7en!"
"Yo, Xiah!" Se7en saluted him. "I only buy dolphin safe products!"
Junsu squealed.
Chapter Two-hundred-sixteen:
Yoochun turned up the volume in the car.
"It's gettin' kinda hot in here," he sang in falsetto. "Unf. So take off your clothes!"
He unbuttoned his shirt, swaying to the music.
"Susu, don't you love this song?"
"Um, hyung, what are you doing?" Junsu shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"I said, don't you think it's getting kind of hot in here?"
"No? I'm fine," Junsu said, glancing at him.
"Look all you like, baby."
"I wasn-"
"I'll just take this off and give you the full view of my sexy shoulders. Oh, my torso, so manly!"
"Yoochun, what's gotten into you? I don't want to see your chest!"
Yoochun shrugged off his shirt with exaggerated movements close to chest pumps and kissed his bicep.
"Don't you just want to touch this beautiful piece of manflesh?" he leaned towards Junsu.
"No! Yoochun, stop!"
"Oh I'll stop." He touched Junsu's thigh, walking his fingers onto it like a tiny person.
Junsu slapped his hand away.
"Sit down! What's wrong with you?"
"I got the love disease, Susu!" Yoochun moaned, replacing his hand. "Don't let me down."
"What about Changmin?! You know he's gonna be pissed if he finds out you're coming onto me like this!"
"Junsu, I always loved you more! That's why I gave you that ring!"
Junsu let out a hurt gasp. "You said it was a friendship ring!"
"Best friends make the best lovers, Susu!"
"You have a lover!"
"We broke up."
"What?!"
"We broke up, and now we're free to get get get jiggy, baby!"
"I don't want to..to...g-...g-get..." Junsu blushed. "I don't want to do that!"
"Jig-jig-jiggy!" Yoochun puckered his lips and tried to kiss him.
Junsu smacked him and pushed him back.
"YOOCHUN, STOP!" he squeaked, gripping the wheel tightly.
"Baby, do-" Yoochun twisted towards him in his seat.
"NO! SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"
"I LIKE IT WHEN YOU YELL!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"BABY I LIKE IT WHEN YOU SHOW ME YOUR PASSIONABLE EMOTIONS! COME HERE, SUSU SU SEXY!" Yoochun winked.
"BACK THE FUCK OFF!"
Chapter Two-hundred-seventeen:
"Key," Se7en said, handing him a seven fruit smoothie. "I think we can both agree seven times that you need love help in seven ways."
"Man what is your deal with the number seven? Can't you use other numbers? Don't you know math?"
"Of course I know math," Se7en said, sitting down on the seventh barstool. "For instance, three plus four equa-"
"Forget it."
"I brought you here to talk about your seven love strategies, Key."
Key moodily stirred around his smoothie.
"It's just that they're being so stupid!" he spat. "I was just out hunting with Taemin and having a nice fun platonic time with him. And fuck, he's basically my age! What's the big deal?"
"Well, you know, Kangin is a father."
"So what?"
"So he feels he has to look out for children like Taemin. But Key, that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm on your side."
"Are you?"
"Yes. I want you to tackle this problem and become Minkey and love him for forty nine years."
"Minkey?"
"Taemin plus Key. It's like relationship math."
"Oh, I see."
"Yes, so. Key. I think I have a great first strategy for you to win that adorable boy's heart."
"You think he's adorable too?"
"Adorable in seven ways."
Key smiled. "Okay, what's the strategy? I can't deny you've got a reputation as the love guru."
"Oh, well I do try. Alright, Key." Se7en loaded a page on his laptop and turned it towards Key. "What do you see?"
"A peacock?"
"Yes. Now?"
"A bird? Wow, it's so fabulous."
Se7en showed him five more birds of paradise.
"Now, Key. What do all these birds have in common?"
"Uh...colors?"
"They're all male, Key. All these birds are so colorful so as to attract a mate! So what must you do, Key?"
"Become a bird? C'mon, get real, Se7en."
"Dye your hair the colors of the rainbow. Be the bird, Key. Taemin will flock to you."
Chapter Two-hundred-eighteen:
"Boo!" Heechul called, walking into the kitchen to find Jaejoong staring at the ingredients needed for a sandwich, at a loss for what to do with them.
"Yes, Chullieboo?"
"I need food, my god." He yanked open the refrigerator and peered in. "Where is it...ah."
"Whatcha gettin'?" Jaejoong asked eagerly. "Making food?"
"No," he said, slamming a bottle of honey mustard down on the counter.
"Honey crusted chicken?"
"I so do not want chicken!" Heechul handed Jaejoong an unopened jar of pickles. "Open this!"
Jaejoong grasped it and twisted it.
"Owww," he moaned, letting go and rubbing his wrist. "Why is it so hard to open?!"
"Your muscles are useless!" Heechul rolled his eyes and took the jar from him. He opened in in one swift twist, the jar opening with a surrendering pop!
"Oh, baby, you're so impressive!"
Heechul tossed his hair and poured half of the pickle juice into a mug.
"Baby whachoo doing?" Jaejoong murmured, watching him with rapt amorous attention.
"Mixin' stuff."
"Why?" Jaejoong puckered his lips and batted his eyelashes at him. "Mocktails? For cuddle hour?"
"Nah." Heechul picked up the bottle of honey mustard and squirted it into the mug, mixing it with the pickle juice with a Korean spoon.
"Boo...?"
"Mm?" Heechul picked up the mug and started chugging its contents.
Jaejoong recoiled in horror and threw up into his mouth.
"Boo, what are you doing?!"
"AAAHHHHHH." Heechul slammed down the mug. "That's better."
"BOO! WHY?!"
"Baby craves strange things, Jaejae." Heechul said, stroking his stomach. "Don't you, goochieboo?"
"It's for the baby?" Jaejoong said in a strangled whisper.
"Mmmmmmhmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Goochie goochie goo," he giggled, tickling his stomach.
"That was disgusting! Can't it like more normal things?"
"Like what?"
"Kimuchi!" Jaejoong flashed a smile and a peace sign.
Heechul gagged.
"What kind of Korean are you?!" Jaejoong gasped, clutching at his heart full of kimchi.
"What about you? It's kimchi, not kimuchi!"
"Oh whatever!"
"Yo man, touch, this is important!" Heechul jabbed him in the shoulder. "Traitor! That's what you are, Kim Jaejoong! A traitor!"
Jaejoong gasped. "How dare you call me by my full name?!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Jaejae."
"That's alright."
"Jaejaebooboo," Heechul crooned, pinching his collarbone.
"Yes, Chullieboo?"
"It's cuddle hour!"
Chapter Two-hundred-nineteen:
Junsu slammed his door shut and locked it, diving onto the bed as he had been taught to in dive school and sobbing hysterically into his pillow.
The floor outsider his room creaked.
"YOOCHUN, GO AWAY!" he shrieked, hiding under the blankets. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Creeeeeeeeeeak.
He stared at the door in horror as the light beneath the door vanished.
"Baby," Yoochun crooned. "I won't hurt you. I'ma love you long time and make you real happy."
Junsu shuddered and moaned, clutching his pillow.
"Yoochun, no. I don't want you!"
Yoochun stuck his fingers beneath the door and wiggled them.
"I said no! When did you get to be such a creepy stalker, huh?!"
"For youuuuuuu."
Junsu leapt up and flew to the door.
"Omo! Are you opening up for me, baby?" Yoochun's excited voice chirped, wiggling his fingers faster.
Junsu stomped down on them with his shoe, again and again and again and agaaaaaayuhn!
Yoochun howled in pain and withdrew his crushed hand.
"FINE," he yelled. "BITCH. I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN APPRECIATE THIS SEXINESS RIGHT HERE."
"GO!" Junsu sobbed. "DON'T COME BACK."
"SEE IF I DO!"
Yoochun stormed to a hospital to get his hand amputated.
Chapter Two-hundred-twenty:
"Edward could hike up this mountain easily," Yunho gushed, glancing back at Lee Hyori and Changmin, who were following him up the steep side of a mountain, grabbing onto trees as they pulled themselves up through the thick foliage. "He's so strong. He eats mountain lions because he wouldn't dare hurt a human!"
He sighed dreamily.
"I can't wait to meet him, you guys! I can't wait to be held in his strong diamond arms and have him breathe his perfumed breath onto my face before he kisses me with his icy lips and whispers his literally undying love for me, holding me in his beautiful strong arms as he kisses me with his beautiful icy lips and his beautiful face so close. Ahhh, soon, soon!"
He shook his fist in the air and upped the pace.
"And you know, he can cook and play piano and do everything. He's so smart. He can do anything."
"Can he," murmured Lee Hyori, pausing to wipe her brow. Changmin hit her arm and sent her a withering glance.
"What?" Lee Hyori mouthed furiously.
"Don't encourage him!" Changmin mouthed back, flinging his hands up in despair.
Lee Hyori rolled her eyes and started hiking again.
"Oh, Edward, Edward, I wonder where you are?" Yunho sighed. "Will I find you soon? My love? My pet? My shining diamond with your amber eyes of admirable restraint? When we meet, what shall we do? Shall we be abstinent until you propose to me and draw me into your marital embrace and bed? Oh, Edward."
"Jesus fucking christ," Changmin breathed, covering his ears as he climbed after them.
"Oh, look, everyone! A cave! Maybe Edward is hiding inside waiting for me!" He skipped up towards a cave settled into the mountainside.
He stopped and cupped his hand around his ear, leaning towards it.
"Do you hear that? It sounds like...a guitar! My Edward is musical! It must be him!"
He skipped to the entrance of the cave so speedily that Lee Hyori and Changmin had to jog to keep up with him.
They entered the cave and laid eyes on a mysterious figure leaning over a guitar, strumming it emotively, their back turned to them. A sheet of long black hair hung down over his shoulders.
"Edward? You dyed your hair?"
The figure turned around.