Elias Beecher's April Fools Joke
So, one of Beecher's superiors told him that he needed to learn a sense of humor, amond other less robotic 'reforms' to his personality.
So, in order to prove he has fufilled his orders, he posted the following April Fools Joke on the Tremere List. Enjoy!
********************************
Fellow Members of House and Clan,
I have an intriguing issue that I hope other members of House and Clan may be able to assist me with. Allow me to explain.
On the evening of December 24th, 2009, (the barometric pressure was rather low, with some steady frozen precipitation) I was within my haven reading reports on several demonic occurrences when I heard the impact of a moderate to large human extremity (likely a hand) impact upon the front entrance door of my domicile. This impact repeated three times, and then ceased. I immediately sent my personal ghoul to ascertain the nature of these impacts, and to report back with alacrity. My ghoul returned approximately 1 minute and 37 seconds later, carrying a parcel.
My ghoul relayed to me that he could detect no presence at the front of my haven, and that my extensive security arrangements had detected no disturbance. However, there was a .07 second freeze in the security feed, and after that time, the parcel he now carried seemed to 'come into existance'. He presented the parcel for my inspection.
My mastery of Auspex allowed me to view the object with a keen eye for detail. I noted that the parcel was completely enshrouded by a thin, but solid, polymer compound of relatively high molecular mass. Upon this polymer sheath was what appeared to be a kind of primitive markings depicting an obese figure , mostly red in color, with rather distorted facial features. My first consideration of this figure was, obviously, the demon Asmedoth, high duke of the 12th circle of the hell-shard under Topeka. Clearly this parcel was meant as a message from my long time foe that he had shed his bonds and that our century long feud was due to restart at any moment. I quietly cursed his name in my mind as I considered the binding ritual I would use to ensure that he would no longer ...
"Hey Elias, it looks like someone left you a Christmas present."
I took a moment from creating my plan to re-bind Asmedoth to consider my ghoul's words. He is a simple man, which perhaps allowed him an insight into temporal concerns that I otherwise regarded as frivolity. The date was near to the Christian celebration of the birth of their messiah figure, and modern kine society had recently co-opted this celebration to support consumer endeavors. It was entirely possible that the parcel had been left by an individual with a purpose relating to the holiday that had now been invoked. Upon looking at my watch, I noticed that the hour had passed Midnight, and it was indeed "Christmas Day'.
My thoughts immediately turned to the sorcery that would be necessary to penetrate my defences. Layers of wards, guard dogs, firearms emplacements, additional guard dogs, land mines, cameras, and even larger guard dogs lined the path to my haven. My fortress was built to resit even the most determined invader, demonic or not. How was it that this 'gift' was placed at my doorstep with nary a single rocket launched or guard dog gaily chewing upon a shattered femur? Obviously this individual was a being of tremendous power, able to thwart both magical and mundane defences measures. No doubt he (or she) was a mater tactician, able to find a weakness, however small, in my network that...
"Maybe Santa Clause left it for you!"
My ghoul is a simple man. Which means he is also very stupid. I considered having one of additional guard dogs (the middle ones) consume him for his idiocy, but I then realized I would have no one to reach the top shelf of my bookcase. He would survive. For now.
The break in my considerations as to the individual responsible for the gift had reminded me that I did not yet know the contents of the parcel. In the name of science, I endeavored to determine what was contained therein. I considered utilizing several thaumaturgical tools at my disposal to remove the contents from it's current housing. I first considered Flames, but thought that may damage whatever laid inside, which was an unacceptable risk. I could use Movement, but that would expose me to direct risk regarding it's contents -- I had not yet established that it was a benign item within. Could I bind a servant of the Abyss to act as my proxy? Perhaps, but what if the entity that has sent me this 'gift' was ITSELF demonic -- a possibility I had not entirely discarded, curse you Asemdoth! -- and I unwittingly called forth one of it's servants? No that would not do at all.
"Want me to open it for you?"
It appears that sparing my ghoul from death at the hands of my rocket shooting robot dogs would continue to reap rewards. I directed to him to act in the fashion he had indicated.
Moments later, my ghoul's supernatural strength had resulted in the parcel being freed of the garishly coloured polymer compound, and within it was a single, rectangular box. This box had upon it several markings, indicating it was a consumer product. It appeared fairly new in construction, and I adjusted my glasses and used my heightened supernatural senses to read the markings and read them aloud.
"Daisy Outdoor Products, 650 shot Red Ryder BB Repeater, 70th Anniversary, Limited Edition."
An...archaic novelty firearm? I will admit that I was momentarily perplexed by the notion that such an item had been given to me. I began to consider WHY it is I was sent this and by whom, or I should say, I attempted to consider ths. However, upon seeing the box, I suddenly became gripped by an alternative notion.
I directed my ghoul. "Empty the box of it's contents, load the archaic firearm, and surrender it to my person."
My ghoul dutifully followed my directions. "Oh, are you going to study it?"
"...yes." My answer felt hesitant.
I believe this device has some small control over the flow of space and time, as I felt as if the minutes proceeding these directions took an exceptionally long time to pass. My ghouls appeared to work with an acceptable level of efficiency, and my watch was clear regarding the actual passage of time, but this effect remained until my should was able to finish the device's preparation. I immediately took the archaic novelty firearm from him. After he handed me the device my ghoul remarked that I should exercise caution with the device, as it was possible to cause indirect, self sustained injury to ones optical nerve centers. Sadly, I must truthfully admit that his advice went unheeded.
The archaic novelty firearm seemed to grip me with it's power the moment I held it. It pull me to the rear of my domicile, where I reload the robot dog rockets. At first, I was at a loss of what to do, but then I spotted on the right a single aluminum cylinder, commonly used to contain unhealthy sugar based beverages for mortals. I considered it a worthwhile item on which to test the device, which I had suddenly become enamored with. I rose the firearm to my shoulder, and activated it as per the directions.
The next series of events does not fill me with joy to report, however I feel that they may be relevant to understanding this event, and thus I include them to include a full view of the occurrence.
It appears that, in my enthusiasm to test the device, my activation was less then accurate. As a result, the metallic projectile did not find it's target, but instead struck a nearby piece of sheet metal. This caused the projectile to bounce off this sheet on a trejectory towrds my person. Sadly I do not move with supernatural speed, and was thus struck by the projectile on its return course.
This sudden impact startled my person, which resulted in me needing to shift my footing. However, as I noted at the beginning, some frozen precipitation had accumulated on the evening in question, and thus conditions for steady footing were not optimal. I was therefore unable to regain balance and fell, face first. Upon recovering my footing, I noted that the projectile had struck below my right optical nerve, and that the fall had broken my glasses. I immediately egresses into my haven, holding the remains of my glasses, and approaching my ghoul attempting to express my disappointment at these events. My disappointment apparently was evoking an unfamiliar emotional response in my person, to which my ghoul responded by saying 'oh, that's okay, here, let me help you wash up' and gripping my right hand in a fashion meant to indicate concern. I found this contact assuring, and informed him that I would heed his advice concerning the dangers to my optic nerve with more awareness in the future.
Obviously, this device has a potent enchantment upon it of SOME kind. I have thus locked it away in a secure location, in hopes that it can be analyzed by an expert so inclined to do so. Please contact me if you should feel this matter would intrest you.
Regards,
Elias Beecher
Apprentice of the Seventh Circle
Dayton Chantry
House Horned Society
So, in order to prove he has fufilled his orders, he posted the following April Fools Joke on the Tremere List. Enjoy!
********************************
Fellow Members of House and Clan,
I have an intriguing issue that I hope other members of House and Clan may be able to assist me with. Allow me to explain.
On the evening of December 24th, 2009, (the barometric pressure was rather low, with some steady frozen precipitation) I was within my haven reading reports on several demonic occurrences when I heard the impact of a moderate to large human extremity (likely a hand) impact upon the front entrance door of my domicile. This impact repeated three times, and then ceased. I immediately sent my personal ghoul to ascertain the nature of these impacts, and to report back with alacrity. My ghoul returned approximately 1 minute and 37 seconds later, carrying a parcel.
My ghoul relayed to me that he could detect no presence at the front of my haven, and that my extensive security arrangements had detected no disturbance. However, there was a .07 second freeze in the security feed, and after that time, the parcel he now carried seemed to 'come into existance'. He presented the parcel for my inspection.
My mastery of Auspex allowed me to view the object with a keen eye for detail. I noted that the parcel was completely enshrouded by a thin, but solid, polymer compound of relatively high molecular mass. Upon this polymer sheath was what appeared to be a kind of primitive markings depicting an obese figure , mostly red in color, with rather distorted facial features. My first consideration of this figure was, obviously, the demon Asmedoth, high duke of the 12th circle of the hell-shard under Topeka. Clearly this parcel was meant as a message from my long time foe that he had shed his bonds and that our century long feud was due to restart at any moment. I quietly cursed his name in my mind as I considered the binding ritual I would use to ensure that he would no longer ...
"Hey Elias, it looks like someone left you a Christmas present."
I took a moment from creating my plan to re-bind Asmedoth to consider my ghoul's words. He is a simple man, which perhaps allowed him an insight into temporal concerns that I otherwise regarded as frivolity. The date was near to the Christian celebration of the birth of their messiah figure, and modern kine society had recently co-opted this celebration to support consumer endeavors. It was entirely possible that the parcel had been left by an individual with a purpose relating to the holiday that had now been invoked. Upon looking at my watch, I noticed that the hour had passed Midnight, and it was indeed "Christmas Day'.
My thoughts immediately turned to the sorcery that would be necessary to penetrate my defences. Layers of wards, guard dogs, firearms emplacements, additional guard dogs, land mines, cameras, and even larger guard dogs lined the path to my haven. My fortress was built to resit even the most determined invader, demonic or not. How was it that this 'gift' was placed at my doorstep with nary a single rocket launched or guard dog gaily chewing upon a shattered femur? Obviously this individual was a being of tremendous power, able to thwart both magical and mundane defences measures. No doubt he (or she) was a mater tactician, able to find a weakness, however small, in my network that...
"Maybe Santa Clause left it for you!"
My ghoul is a simple man. Which means he is also very stupid. I considered having one of additional guard dogs (the middle ones) consume him for his idiocy, but I then realized I would have no one to reach the top shelf of my bookcase. He would survive. For now.
The break in my considerations as to the individual responsible for the gift had reminded me that I did not yet know the contents of the parcel. In the name of science, I endeavored to determine what was contained therein. I considered utilizing several thaumaturgical tools at my disposal to remove the contents from it's current housing. I first considered Flames, but thought that may damage whatever laid inside, which was an unacceptable risk. I could use Movement, but that would expose me to direct risk regarding it's contents -- I had not yet established that it was a benign item within. Could I bind a servant of the Abyss to act as my proxy? Perhaps, but what if the entity that has sent me this 'gift' was ITSELF demonic -- a possibility I had not entirely discarded, curse you Asemdoth! -- and I unwittingly called forth one of it's servants? No that would not do at all.
"Want me to open it for you?"
It appears that sparing my ghoul from death at the hands of my rocket shooting robot dogs would continue to reap rewards. I directed to him to act in the fashion he had indicated.
Moments later, my ghoul's supernatural strength had resulted in the parcel being freed of the garishly coloured polymer compound, and within it was a single, rectangular box. This box had upon it several markings, indicating it was a consumer product. It appeared fairly new in construction, and I adjusted my glasses and used my heightened supernatural senses to read the markings and read them aloud.
"Daisy Outdoor Products, 650 shot Red Ryder BB Repeater, 70th Anniversary, Limited Edition."
An...archaic novelty firearm? I will admit that I was momentarily perplexed by the notion that such an item had been given to me. I began to consider WHY it is I was sent this and by whom, or I should say, I attempted to consider ths. However, upon seeing the box, I suddenly became gripped by an alternative notion.
I directed my ghoul. "Empty the box of it's contents, load the archaic firearm, and surrender it to my person."
My ghoul dutifully followed my directions. "Oh, are you going to study it?"
"...yes." My answer felt hesitant.
I believe this device has some small control over the flow of space and time, as I felt as if the minutes proceeding these directions took an exceptionally long time to pass. My ghouls appeared to work with an acceptable level of efficiency, and my watch was clear regarding the actual passage of time, but this effect remained until my should was able to finish the device's preparation. I immediately took the archaic novelty firearm from him. After he handed me the device my ghoul remarked that I should exercise caution with the device, as it was possible to cause indirect, self sustained injury to ones optical nerve centers. Sadly, I must truthfully admit that his advice went unheeded.
The archaic novelty firearm seemed to grip me with it's power the moment I held it. It pull me to the rear of my domicile, where I reload the robot dog rockets. At first, I was at a loss of what to do, but then I spotted on the right a single aluminum cylinder, commonly used to contain unhealthy sugar based beverages for mortals. I considered it a worthwhile item on which to test the device, which I had suddenly become enamored with. I rose the firearm to my shoulder, and activated it as per the directions.
The next series of events does not fill me with joy to report, however I feel that they may be relevant to understanding this event, and thus I include them to include a full view of the occurrence.
It appears that, in my enthusiasm to test the device, my activation was less then accurate. As a result, the metallic projectile did not find it's target, but instead struck a nearby piece of sheet metal. This caused the projectile to bounce off this sheet on a trejectory towrds my person. Sadly I do not move with supernatural speed, and was thus struck by the projectile on its return course.
This sudden impact startled my person, which resulted in me needing to shift my footing. However, as I noted at the beginning, some frozen precipitation had accumulated on the evening in question, and thus conditions for steady footing were not optimal. I was therefore unable to regain balance and fell, face first. Upon recovering my footing, I noted that the projectile had struck below my right optical nerve, and that the fall had broken my glasses. I immediately egresses into my haven, holding the remains of my glasses, and approaching my ghoul attempting to express my disappointment at these events. My disappointment apparently was evoking an unfamiliar emotional response in my person, to which my ghoul responded by saying 'oh, that's okay, here, let me help you wash up' and gripping my right hand in a fashion meant to indicate concern. I found this contact assuring, and informed him that I would heed his advice concerning the dangers to my optic nerve with more awareness in the future.
Obviously, this device has a potent enchantment upon it of SOME kind. I have thus locked it away in a secure location, in hopes that it can be analyzed by an expert so inclined to do so. Please contact me if you should feel this matter would intrest you.
Regards,
Elias Beecher
Apprentice of the Seventh Circle
Dayton Chantry
House Horned Society