(no subject)
Here we go with another, brand spanking new, brutally insane, florida-quality The Internet's Dave livejournal update. If you're reading this now and aren't in an institution, congratulations, you've just lost several IQ points.
Today, I decided that video games were worth a bus ride during rush hour. This is a classic example of "A The Internet's Dave Classic Strategic Maneuver Classically and Classily Executed In A Style All Of His Own; A Style Too Hip For Network TV And Without Enough Pornography To Be Shown On Cable". More sensible people refer to these sort of plans as "Bad Fucking Ideas". While I was crammed between the drunken, self-proclaimed, "Cripple", The "Guy What Ate So Many Tacos His BO Now Comes In Mild, Medium-green, Medium-corn, and Really Fucking Smelly", and the oddly out of place "Really cute Girl That I Think Works At Holy Land" memories of my WT and the CAP days came flooding back. This was, after all, the same god-forsaken smellpit of gangstaz and crazy fucking homeless people that I had taken twice nigh every day over a year ago. The memories that returned were of the people I rode with on my journey through the nether-reigons of Minneapolis. Gather 'round the radioactive glow of yon computer monitor while I tell you all about my favorite crazies from the bygone years of Da CAP.
Let's start with a basic crazy. I'm not sure what was haunting this guy, but man, did he have some heated intellectual debates with wandering air molecules. He was what I dubbed "The Mad Bomber" as he always wore a leather hat with earflaps that made him look like he belonged dropping thermonuclear devices from the belly of a B-52. The Mad Bomber was not a small man by any strech of the imagination. He looked like he would regularly ingest washing machines, refridgerators or former Soviet-Bloc countries for nourishment. You didn't fuck with The Mad Bomber. Anyhoo, as I said, The Mad Bomber was your basic crazy. Occasionally he would start talking to himself about important issues with stunningly intellectual and coherent comments like "I didn't eat that" or "Don't make not me come around the bend". He didn't seem dangerous, just in his own little world.
Moving on, we enter the territory of the man I have dubbed "Admiral Out There". I'm not sure what this looney did, but damn, did he do a lot of it. This gaunt figure gained his name from the two things that he was never without: his persistant blank stare and ever donned naval pea-coat. So vacant was his expression that one could surmise that he had gone past blindness and into the realm of omniscience. Or maybe he just did too much crystal meth. One of the two, I'm not sure which. This man always insisted on standing, never sitting at the back of the bus. I suppose I should have come up with a name that described this man's sensitivity to gravitational forces, but I'll just go ahead and describe it. Basic physics dictates that all bodies exert some form of gravitational field. Well, this man had somehow managed to modify himself into one, lanky, funny smelling gravity detector. Upon entering the bus, he would stumble into every concieveable object between him and his destination of the back of the bus. Poles, people, the driver, photons, those little dangly hang-on straps, even the occasional ceiling panel was not outside of the good Admiral's gravity detection capabilites. This man truly defined the phrase "I can see through time".
This post is starting to get long, so I'm gonna wrap up with honestly the most hilarious of the crazies on the bus, a little crazy that I like to call "The Bat-Shit Insane, Racisist, Conspiracy Nut, Old Lady". BSIRCNOL, or LONCRISB if spelled backwards, was honestly the funniest. She would sit up front by the driver and make nasty comments to any nearby "minorities". Often blaming them for her social security check being late, her gout, or the fact that eventually the sun will cool and the world as we know it will be egulfed in a firey doom. But the comedy doesn't stop there, no. When she wasn't shrieking loud enough to shatter the windows, she was eyeing any passenger that wasn't part of a nazi eugenics experement with a combintation of utter disdain and suspicion. Not only that, she would report imaginary infractions of said passengers to the driver as if a) the driver would leap out with a sawed-off and lay into the perpetrator with so much firey white-rage, b) the driver actually gave a rat's ass, and c) everyone on the bus, the driver included, didn't think she had a few sandwiches loose of a picnic. She was honestly the funniest of all of them.
Well, that wraps up this post. I might come back later and revise it to be more funny, but my train's leavin' so I gotta go too. Even though it's half done, I hope you enjoy it. Dammit. I used too many quotation marks and not enough profanities. Help me out, if you read this and can think of one, post a reply discussing the best crazy you've run in to on, or off the bus. Hmmm... That's a clever way to disguise a cop out and none will be the wiser. Wait... Something not right here...
Today, I decided that video games were worth a bus ride during rush hour. This is a classic example of "A The Internet's Dave Classic Strategic Maneuver Classically and Classily Executed In A Style All Of His Own; A Style Too Hip For Network TV And Without Enough Pornography To Be Shown On Cable". More sensible people refer to these sort of plans as "Bad Fucking Ideas". While I was crammed between the drunken, self-proclaimed, "Cripple", The "Guy What Ate So Many Tacos His BO Now Comes In Mild, Medium-green, Medium-corn, and Really Fucking Smelly", and the oddly out of place "Really cute Girl That I Think Works At Holy Land" memories of my WT and the CAP days came flooding back. This was, after all, the same god-forsaken smellpit of gangstaz and crazy fucking homeless people that I had taken twice nigh every day over a year ago. The memories that returned were of the people I rode with on my journey through the nether-reigons of Minneapolis. Gather 'round the radioactive glow of yon computer monitor while I tell you all about my favorite crazies from the bygone years of Da CAP.
Let's start with a basic crazy. I'm not sure what was haunting this guy, but man, did he have some heated intellectual debates with wandering air molecules. He was what I dubbed "The Mad Bomber" as he always wore a leather hat with earflaps that made him look like he belonged dropping thermonuclear devices from the belly of a B-52. The Mad Bomber was not a small man by any strech of the imagination. He looked like he would regularly ingest washing machines, refridgerators or former Soviet-Bloc countries for nourishment. You didn't fuck with The Mad Bomber. Anyhoo, as I said, The Mad Bomber was your basic crazy. Occasionally he would start talking to himself about important issues with stunningly intellectual and coherent comments like "I didn't eat that" or "Don't make not me come around the bend". He didn't seem dangerous, just in his own little world.
Moving on, we enter the territory of the man I have dubbed "Admiral Out There". I'm not sure what this looney did, but damn, did he do a lot of it. This gaunt figure gained his name from the two things that he was never without: his persistant blank stare and ever donned naval pea-coat. So vacant was his expression that one could surmise that he had gone past blindness and into the realm of omniscience. Or maybe he just did too much crystal meth. One of the two, I'm not sure which. This man always insisted on standing, never sitting at the back of the bus. I suppose I should have come up with a name that described this man's sensitivity to gravitational forces, but I'll just go ahead and describe it. Basic physics dictates that all bodies exert some form of gravitational field. Well, this man had somehow managed to modify himself into one, lanky, funny smelling gravity detector. Upon entering the bus, he would stumble into every concieveable object between him and his destination of the back of the bus. Poles, people, the driver, photons, those little dangly hang-on straps, even the occasional ceiling panel was not outside of the good Admiral's gravity detection capabilites. This man truly defined the phrase "I can see through time".
This post is starting to get long, so I'm gonna wrap up with honestly the most hilarious of the crazies on the bus, a little crazy that I like to call "The Bat-Shit Insane, Racisist, Conspiracy Nut, Old Lady". BSIRCNOL, or LONCRISB if spelled backwards, was honestly the funniest. She would sit up front by the driver and make nasty comments to any nearby "minorities". Often blaming them for her social security check being late, her gout, or the fact that eventually the sun will cool and the world as we know it will be egulfed in a firey doom. But the comedy doesn't stop there, no. When she wasn't shrieking loud enough to shatter the windows, she was eyeing any passenger that wasn't part of a nazi eugenics experement with a combintation of utter disdain and suspicion. Not only that, she would report imaginary infractions of said passengers to the driver as if a) the driver would leap out with a sawed-off and lay into the perpetrator with so much firey white-rage, b) the driver actually gave a rat's ass, and c) everyone on the bus, the driver included, didn't think she had a few sandwiches loose of a picnic. She was honestly the funniest of all of them.
Well, that wraps up this post. I might come back later and revise it to be more funny, but my train's leavin' so I gotta go too. Even though it's half done, I hope you enjoy it. Dammit. I used too many quotation marks and not enough profanities. Help me out, if you read this and can think of one, post a reply discussing the best crazy you've run in to on, or off the bus. Hmmm... That's a clever way to disguise a cop out and none will be the wiser. Wait... Something not right here...