Retrospective
I was searching through my old entries for a bit of work-related information that I needed, and I came across the LJ drama that happened two summers ago.
I read an entry in which I stated that there were things going on in my life which I couldn't discuss at the time, but that as a result I didnt' need the stress. I also remember a certain amount of disbelief being expressed at the truth of that statement, that perhaps it was made just to get a reaction. So I sat here, and thought......
And remembered. And thought some more.
At that time, I was pregnant with Stephen, but we weren't talking about it because of the previous miscarraige. And my hormone levels were way, way lower than they should have been, and the doctor was afraid I would miscarry again because of the hormone levels. And we really weren't talking about that. And we told no one. Doctor Watson suggested I relax as much as I could, that I try to eliminate stress in my life, and maybe I wouldn't miscarry. It was, actually, a scary time in my life. Although, considering what came later...
I wondered. Would I have been better off if I had miscarried Stephen? Resounding, and emphatic, no. I would much rather have carried him, known him for what little I knew him, for those 36 weeks, held him even though he was dead, seen his face. I would much rather have had that than nothing at all. It was an interesting discovery, almost as though I had a chance to not experience the pain of his death and passed it up.
I wondered.....I had forgotten the low hormone levels as the pregnancy progressed. Should I have remembered? Would it have given me a heads up that something was wrong? Should I have known? I don't know if I should have known. But that isn't the answer to the question. The answer to the question is another question.....Had you known, would it have changed anything? No, it wouldn't have. I would not have changed anything, even knowing that in the end, I would loose him in this lifetime. So, maybe it should have occurred to me that something was hinky, but I couldn't have changed the outcome anyhow, and I would have spent 9 (8) months worrying, and that would have been no good. As it is I have happy memories of being pregnant with Stephen, and I am good with that. Besides, I worried off and on through the first few months of being pregnant with Micheal (till I started feeling regular movement), and it sucks.
And I am thankful. Thankful for the lessons that came from Stephen. Thankful for the strength, the growth, the deepening of the relationship with Austin, my mom. Thankful that even now, 22 months later, I am learning new things, thankful that it doesn't hurt so very much to think about him, thankful for my faith.
And, of course, thankful for him. For his life.
I read an entry in which I stated that there were things going on in my life which I couldn't discuss at the time, but that as a result I didnt' need the stress. I also remember a certain amount of disbelief being expressed at the truth of that statement, that perhaps it was made just to get a reaction. So I sat here, and thought......
And remembered. And thought some more.
At that time, I was pregnant with Stephen, but we weren't talking about it because of the previous miscarraige. And my hormone levels were way, way lower than they should have been, and the doctor was afraid I would miscarry again because of the hormone levels. And we really weren't talking about that. And we told no one. Doctor Watson suggested I relax as much as I could, that I try to eliminate stress in my life, and maybe I wouldn't miscarry. It was, actually, a scary time in my life. Although, considering what came later...
I wondered. Would I have been better off if I had miscarried Stephen? Resounding, and emphatic, no. I would much rather have carried him, known him for what little I knew him, for those 36 weeks, held him even though he was dead, seen his face. I would much rather have had that than nothing at all. It was an interesting discovery, almost as though I had a chance to not experience the pain of his death and passed it up.
I wondered.....I had forgotten the low hormone levels as the pregnancy progressed. Should I have remembered? Would it have given me a heads up that something was wrong? Should I have known? I don't know if I should have known. But that isn't the answer to the question. The answer to the question is another question.....Had you known, would it have changed anything? No, it wouldn't have. I would not have changed anything, even knowing that in the end, I would loose him in this lifetime. So, maybe it should have occurred to me that something was hinky, but I couldn't have changed the outcome anyhow, and I would have spent 9 (8) months worrying, and that would have been no good. As it is I have happy memories of being pregnant with Stephen, and I am good with that. Besides, I worried off and on through the first few months of being pregnant with Micheal (till I started feeling regular movement), and it sucks.
And I am thankful. Thankful for the lessons that came from Stephen. Thankful for the strength, the growth, the deepening of the relationship with Austin, my mom. Thankful that even now, 22 months later, I am learning new things, thankful that it doesn't hurt so very much to think about him, thankful for my faith.
And, of course, thankful for him. For his life.