(no subject)
So much for this happy trend. It seems like my happiness is a bubble if I get too excited and try to do something big, it pops. I really wish D hadn't left. He is the only one who has any experience dealing with me depressed, But then he probably has his own shit right now. I dont feel like putting this shit on other people, because as much as they might say they say they care (I'm not saying they don't), my shit will either just drag them down, or make them not wan't to deal with me. I mean, who wants to hang out with some whiny guy who bitches and moans about everything and nothing? I dont really want to kill myself but the thought crosses my mind frequently. If i had more motivation i might do something on impulse. I actually am quite amusing when I think about killing my self. As much as it wouldn't matter, considering I would be dead, I always have to consider fashion. What to wear, what to write or not write, where to do it, how to do it. Fortunately by the time I am done thinking about that stuff I remember that other people might be hurt. It's really fucked up but this is probably one of the only times I remember thaqt other people exist. That is not to say I never think about other people. It's just that most of the time I think about them in a psychological way thaqt is more cognitive and cold than feeling. It seems the closer to the subject of Death I get the more my emotional armor begins to disolve. It fucking hurts. Everything that didn't phase me before waits for this moment to come rushing in to punish me. Please note most of these ideas I pulled out of my ass, once i get on a roll whole textbooks come out about "why shit is", sometimes im wrong.