I'll be one of your editors this week. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you!
As with edits, please take my comments as suggestions.
I really like the subject you've picked for this week's topic. I think you took a very different approach and it worked out well for you.
The short concise sentences add to the anxiety that the speaker is feeling in the piece. The vocabulary is complimentary to the subject as well as colorful to bring in some of the images that the speaker is telling the readers about.
I do have a suggestion about the beginning of the piece. I had to read it a couple times because I feel the beginning sends out a mixed message on the mood of the piece. I couldn't tell if the story was going to be positive or negative. I understand where you were going with when you wrote about the positive family aspect when the speaker first moved in. I think if the first two paragraphs were combined and cut down on some of the wording, it would be more clear on what the reader is supposed to be feeling going into the piece.
I thought the story was great and very moving. It shows that not everything is picture perfect as you may see on TV.
I'll be one of your editors this week. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you!
As with edits, please take my comments as suggestions.
I really like the subject you've picked for this week's topic. I think you took a very different approach and it worked out well for you.
The short concise sentences add to the anxiety that the speaker is feeling in the piece. The vocabulary is complimentary to the subject as well as colorful to bring in some of the images that the speaker is telling the readers about.
I do have a suggestion about the beginning of the piece. I had to read it a couple times because I feel the beginning sends out a mixed message on the mood of the piece. I couldn't tell if the story was going to be positive or negative. I understand where you were going with when you wrote about the positive family aspect when the speaker first moved in. I think if the first two paragraphs were combined and cut down on some of the wording, it would be more clear on what the reader is supposed to be feeling going into the piece.
I thought the story was great and very moving. It shows that not everything is picture perfect as you may see on TV.
Great job and good luck this week!!
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