new job
and i decided to accept one of the jobs.
probably the hardest one, but that makes me think it will be the most rewarding. at least in the fact that i will get beat every day, and every day, i will get to do it all over again. and it will be crazy and chaotic and extreme. but there's something about organized chaos that is extremely refreshing.
i'm so excited.
however, i still need my friends to carry me through this. and i don't know how many people i've reached out to that just haven't been able to quite grasp my hand. and that hope turned into disappointment is more than i can bare at the moment. sure, things are getting better, and i'm distancing myself between where i was and where i want to be. but that does not change the fact that in a few weeks, or months time, i will be right back where i was. and i know that while i'm up, i should just take it where i can get it. get what needs to be said out of my system. take care of it once and for all.
but i probably won't get that this time around. i thought i was close. i mean, i was close. we were sitting down, and i was thinking about maybe starting to open up. but it's just so hard for me to trust people. so when i hear that you are bailing on me, once again, i get that much farther away from wanting to let you in. and i've gotten myself back to the point where i'm okay with it, like i do every time. and i will convince myself, once again, that i can do it by myself.
i know that i can't. i need that support, that's why i am here. here in baltimore, with my "family".. and here on livejournal. but i need you here, with me. in person. face to face. heart to hearts on the phone only get so far. heart to hearts on the computer seem to get farther, but don't accomplish what they should because these words on a screen don't have the same meaning when there is a human voice, human touch attached to it.
anyway. i am really excited about my job. just stressed. and lonely. and i miss you, still.
probably the hardest one, but that makes me think it will be the most rewarding. at least in the fact that i will get beat every day, and every day, i will get to do it all over again. and it will be crazy and chaotic and extreme. but there's something about organized chaos that is extremely refreshing.
i'm so excited.
however, i still need my friends to carry me through this. and i don't know how many people i've reached out to that just haven't been able to quite grasp my hand. and that hope turned into disappointment is more than i can bare at the moment. sure, things are getting better, and i'm distancing myself between where i was and where i want to be. but that does not change the fact that in a few weeks, or months time, i will be right back where i was. and i know that while i'm up, i should just take it where i can get it. get what needs to be said out of my system. take care of it once and for all.
but i probably won't get that this time around. i thought i was close. i mean, i was close. we were sitting down, and i was thinking about maybe starting to open up. but it's just so hard for me to trust people. so when i hear that you are bailing on me, once again, i get that much farther away from wanting to let you in. and i've gotten myself back to the point where i'm okay with it, like i do every time. and i will convince myself, once again, that i can do it by myself.
i know that i can't. i need that support, that's why i am here. here in baltimore, with my "family".. and here on livejournal. but i need you here, with me. in person. face to face. heart to hearts on the phone only get so far. heart to hearts on the computer seem to get farther, but don't accomplish what they should because these words on a screen don't have the same meaning when there is a human voice, human touch attached to it.
anyway. i am really excited about my job. just stressed. and lonely. and i miss you, still.