Once You Find Laughter. (Kamui. X/1999)
Title: Once You Find Laughter.
Fandom: X/1999.
Warnings: None.
Characters/couples: Kamui, Subaru, Keiichi. Mentions of the Seals.
Summary: Kamui is broken. He's had to break himself through the years, to survive.
Rating: G.
Notes: Because when you are feeling like crap, obviously the correct answer is to take your frustrations on someone else. There are less consequences if you do so in a fictional someone.
Once You Find Laughter.
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Bill Cosby.
“This is Shirou Kamui-san” the teacher says. Kamui bows as it's expected, hears the way the chalk hits the blackboard for the teacher to write the kanji of his name. “He'll be part of our class from now on.”
There are whispers, but there are always whispers. Murmurs of the girls, gruffier sounds from the boys. Kamui is long used to this: in almost nine years since the first time he left Tokyo, he has been in at least ten different schools under the pretense of mother's work. They've had to move over a lot, with people trying to find him, or find his mother, or both. They have moved through the whole country, Kamui thinks, never staying more than two years in one place, the shortest they were ever in an apartment being a month.
“Shirou-kun, on the back there's a space,” the teacher tells him.
Kamui nods, makes himself move, ignore the bandages that are still wrapped around his leg, around his chest, the ones that aren't around his hands..
*
“--but school?” Sorata adds. It's as if he's adding every bit of incredulity in his tone. It says 'you are sending the goddamn messiah to school despite knowing that his head has a metaphorical price on it' and also a lot of 'aren't there more important things that he should be learning about other than maths and geography' and also a lot of 'if we really, really want him to like humanity, are we sure that sending him to high school is the right idea?'.
Some of it might be Kamui's own thoughts, but he's almost certain not all, because he finds himself almost appreciating the concern. It's been a month. A month since his decision killed Kotori and forced Fuuma into a role that he shouldn't have to fit, not really, and it's been a month surrounded by more people than he has been around since he was a kid. It's a month of waking up with Sorata's cheerful 'GOOD MORNING!' blazing through his room, and of Yuzuriha chirping him about the spring that was finally starting while Inuki rested his weight on his legs, a month of Arashi's careful eyes sharing a soft look at him, of Aoki calling to ask him if he liked manga at all and then bringing as many different issues he could when Kamui said he didn't know, of Karen calling often and reminding him, a little, of his mother.
It's a month with Subaru sliding in silence and Kamui walking with him, speaking little, but more than he had ever done. His wounds have healed enough that he's been training again. He has scars, something that has never happened before, though. His hands ache.
Still.
“... I can't just sit inside and do nothing,” Kamui says, agreeing with Aoki's suggestion. There's only so much he can do to get his kekkai and so far reading on the matter hasn't helped much. There's only so much inside he can take before he explodes.
Karen's concern is more familiar to him than Aoki's in a way, a little off but gentle, the concern of a mother, almost.
“We'll talk with Imonoyama-san,” she says as if she was his guardian.
Kamui says nothing at that. Subaru isn't there, and they're all looking glad, as if he choosing to go outside is something big and Kamui doesn't want to think much about it, so he just turns around and goes back to his room, and he still says nothing when Inuki comes to join him in bed, Yuzuriha's tender invasion trying to translate that she's worried about him.
*
There's some sort of white noise going on his ears-- no, words.
Kamui makes himself focus: it won't do to lay himself so open, to allow himself to be so vulnerable. He doesn't know if Fuuma will one day just decide to come in here and attack, he can't be sure that Fuuma won't just...
But he's getting distracted again. Kamui blinks and turns to look towards--
“I'm sorry,” he interrupts. He's not sure how long the other teenager in front of him has been talking, and good manners are something that Kamui hasn't used in years. It's difficult, a bittersweet ache as he remembers his mother's lessons on seiza, on tea ceremony, on how to speak, all for things that, for many years, he didn't have to use.
But now he finds himself having to do so, stuck inside a world and people he doesn't know how to connect with, people he's supposed to save.
He licks his lips and tries again this 'communicating' thing.
“... I wasn't paying attention,” he offers, hoping that his voice does the same thing Arashi's does when she apologizes without saying it out loud. “Could you repeat your question?”
The teenager smiles brightly, cheerfully. He's tall, probably just a little shorter than Sorata, with warm brown eyes. He doesn't seem mad about the fact that Kamui was ignoring him which at least will make things easier. Kamui's patience has never been too big, even when he was a kid, before everything.
“Oh, sure! I said that if you need help to catch up, you can tell me! I'll share my notes-- oh, I think it'd be easier for us if we just made copies of them, huh? That way you can study them on your own!”
He seems to be expecting an answer. Kamui blinks and then he nods, wondering how could he say all those things without having to stop to breathe.
“... thank you?”
“Sure, no problem! Oh! If you have doubts about anything, please, tell me as well! It's really weird we get transfer students so you're probably something of a celebrity around here at the moment, but if I can help you at all, just tell me!”
“Um,” Kamui starts, and then, uncertain. “I'm... sorry, I didn't catch your name...?”
But his classmate doesn't seem bothered by that, instead he laughs again, loudly.
“It's alright! I'm Segawa Keiichi, nice to meet you, Shirou!”
*
Subaru usually comes at night, making his presence noticed but unheard, more often than not. He doesn't live inside the campus in the house that Imonoyama set for them, he still has his job as an omnyouji outside of the Seals, his duties with his clan.
He still comes, not as often as Kamui has found it that he'd like, but enough that the last of Kamui's natural distrust has melted away with him. It's not quite the same with the others yet, and on a basic level Kamui knows it's unfair, not to trust them just because they can't show him their heart the way Subaru did, but he can't avoid it and he's not sure he would avoid it if he could.
“I don't know what I'm supposed to do,” Kamui confesses, wondering if Subaru minds, if he shouldn't speak like this, wondering why is it that he feels that only Subaru will understand. They're not the same, they were never the same. Yes, they both lost someone they loved, killed by someone they also loved. But he knows Fuuma loved him, it's one of the few things Kamui is certain of. The sky might turn red, the water drip poison, and yet he'll be sure that once upon a time Fuuma loved him as well.
There's a too long moment of silence. He hears Subaru's lighter, and when he turns to look at him, Subaru is taking the first drag of his cigarette, profile highlighted by the lights of a building nearby. He wonders why Fuuma decided not to attack them immediately, while he was down. He wonders if he's alright. He wonders how he'll bring him back.
“Live,” Subaru says in the end, but it doesn't sound like much, not really, not with his voice like that. He blows his white-gray smoke against the night and Kamui sees how it trails over Subaru's shoulder.
Kamui leans against the rail as well, his back to the city, looking at the sky where the stars should be but can't be seen.
*
Live. Kamui has no idea how to do that. He can survive, it's the only thing that has been steady in his life since he was born. His mother always telling him to stay alive, to live, to keep on going. He had to move, get away, get ready for something he wasn't quite aware back then, for a destiny that he still doesn't want. He has to become the savior of a world that most of the time he doesn't like.
He's forgotten a lot of things during eight years, has shed on useless things that had no reason why to be there when all he was doing was fighting to survive. Compassion, sympathy, loyalty. He's broken and he knows it, Saiki had said it and he had been right. He had been fighting for one thing and one thing only.
And now...
“--Shirou? Are you feeling okay?” a hand on his shoulder, and Segawa's friendly face in front of his. “Oh, perhaps you're tired? I'll take you to the infirmary, right away! Or I'll call a teacher! Shirou?”
Kamui shakes his head no, moving his hand away from his head from where he had swayed. But before Segawa moves away to search for someone, Kamui asks.
“... could you show me where's the library?”
Segawa beams and he laughs as he nods.
Fandom: X/1999.
Warnings: None.
Characters/couples: Kamui, Subaru, Keiichi. Mentions of the Seals.
Summary: Kamui is broken. He's had to break himself through the years, to survive.
Rating: G.
Notes: Because when you are feeling like crap, obviously the correct answer is to take your frustrations on someone else. There are less consequences if you do so in a fictional someone.
Once You Find Laughter.
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Bill Cosby.
“This is Shirou Kamui-san” the teacher says. Kamui bows as it's expected, hears the way the chalk hits the blackboard for the teacher to write the kanji of his name. “He'll be part of our class from now on.”
There are whispers, but there are always whispers. Murmurs of the girls, gruffier sounds from the boys. Kamui is long used to this: in almost nine years since the first time he left Tokyo, he has been in at least ten different schools under the pretense of mother's work. They've had to move over a lot, with people trying to find him, or find his mother, or both. They have moved through the whole country, Kamui thinks, never staying more than two years in one place, the shortest they were ever in an apartment being a month.
“Shirou-kun, on the back there's a space,” the teacher tells him.
Kamui nods, makes himself move, ignore the bandages that are still wrapped around his leg, around his chest, the ones that aren't around his hands..
*
“--but school?” Sorata adds. It's as if he's adding every bit of incredulity in his tone. It says 'you are sending the goddamn messiah to school despite knowing that his head has a metaphorical price on it' and also a lot of 'aren't there more important things that he should be learning about other than maths and geography' and also a lot of 'if we really, really want him to like humanity, are we sure that sending him to high school is the right idea?'.
Some of it might be Kamui's own thoughts, but he's almost certain not all, because he finds himself almost appreciating the concern. It's been a month. A month since his decision killed Kotori and forced Fuuma into a role that he shouldn't have to fit, not really, and it's been a month surrounded by more people than he has been around since he was a kid. It's a month of waking up with Sorata's cheerful 'GOOD MORNING!' blazing through his room, and of Yuzuriha chirping him about the spring that was finally starting while Inuki rested his weight on his legs, a month of Arashi's careful eyes sharing a soft look at him, of Aoki calling to ask him if he liked manga at all and then bringing as many different issues he could when Kamui said he didn't know, of Karen calling often and reminding him, a little, of his mother.
It's a month with Subaru sliding in silence and Kamui walking with him, speaking little, but more than he had ever done. His wounds have healed enough that he's been training again. He has scars, something that has never happened before, though. His hands ache.
Still.
“... I can't just sit inside and do nothing,” Kamui says, agreeing with Aoki's suggestion. There's only so much he can do to get his kekkai and so far reading on the matter hasn't helped much. There's only so much inside he can take before he explodes.
Karen's concern is more familiar to him than Aoki's in a way, a little off but gentle, the concern of a mother, almost.
“We'll talk with Imonoyama-san,” she says as if she was his guardian.
Kamui says nothing at that. Subaru isn't there, and they're all looking glad, as if he choosing to go outside is something big and Kamui doesn't want to think much about it, so he just turns around and goes back to his room, and he still says nothing when Inuki comes to join him in bed, Yuzuriha's tender invasion trying to translate that she's worried about him.
*
There's some sort of white noise going on his ears-- no, words.
Kamui makes himself focus: it won't do to lay himself so open, to allow himself to be so vulnerable. He doesn't know if Fuuma will one day just decide to come in here and attack, he can't be sure that Fuuma won't just...
But he's getting distracted again. Kamui blinks and turns to look towards--
“I'm sorry,” he interrupts. He's not sure how long the other teenager in front of him has been talking, and good manners are something that Kamui hasn't used in years. It's difficult, a bittersweet ache as he remembers his mother's lessons on seiza, on tea ceremony, on how to speak, all for things that, for many years, he didn't have to use.
But now he finds himself having to do so, stuck inside a world and people he doesn't know how to connect with, people he's supposed to save.
He licks his lips and tries again this 'communicating' thing.
“... I wasn't paying attention,” he offers, hoping that his voice does the same thing Arashi's does when she apologizes without saying it out loud. “Could you repeat your question?”
The teenager smiles brightly, cheerfully. He's tall, probably just a little shorter than Sorata, with warm brown eyes. He doesn't seem mad about the fact that Kamui was ignoring him which at least will make things easier. Kamui's patience has never been too big, even when he was a kid, before everything.
“Oh, sure! I said that if you need help to catch up, you can tell me! I'll share my notes-- oh, I think it'd be easier for us if we just made copies of them, huh? That way you can study them on your own!”
He seems to be expecting an answer. Kamui blinks and then he nods, wondering how could he say all those things without having to stop to breathe.
“... thank you?”
“Sure, no problem! Oh! If you have doubts about anything, please, tell me as well! It's really weird we get transfer students so you're probably something of a celebrity around here at the moment, but if I can help you at all, just tell me!”
“Um,” Kamui starts, and then, uncertain. “I'm... sorry, I didn't catch your name...?”
But his classmate doesn't seem bothered by that, instead he laughs again, loudly.
“It's alright! I'm Segawa Keiichi, nice to meet you, Shirou!”
*
Subaru usually comes at night, making his presence noticed but unheard, more often than not. He doesn't live inside the campus in the house that Imonoyama set for them, he still has his job as an omnyouji outside of the Seals, his duties with his clan.
He still comes, not as often as Kamui has found it that he'd like, but enough that the last of Kamui's natural distrust has melted away with him. It's not quite the same with the others yet, and on a basic level Kamui knows it's unfair, not to trust them just because they can't show him their heart the way Subaru did, but he can't avoid it and he's not sure he would avoid it if he could.
“I don't know what I'm supposed to do,” Kamui confesses, wondering if Subaru minds, if he shouldn't speak like this, wondering why is it that he feels that only Subaru will understand. They're not the same, they were never the same. Yes, they both lost someone they loved, killed by someone they also loved. But he knows Fuuma loved him, it's one of the few things Kamui is certain of. The sky might turn red, the water drip poison, and yet he'll be sure that once upon a time Fuuma loved him as well.
There's a too long moment of silence. He hears Subaru's lighter, and when he turns to look at him, Subaru is taking the first drag of his cigarette, profile highlighted by the lights of a building nearby. He wonders why Fuuma decided not to attack them immediately, while he was down. He wonders if he's alright. He wonders how he'll bring him back.
“Live,” Subaru says in the end, but it doesn't sound like much, not really, not with his voice like that. He blows his white-gray smoke against the night and Kamui sees how it trails over Subaru's shoulder.
Kamui leans against the rail as well, his back to the city, looking at the sky where the stars should be but can't be seen.
*
Live. Kamui has no idea how to do that. He can survive, it's the only thing that has been steady in his life since he was born. His mother always telling him to stay alive, to live, to keep on going. He had to move, get away, get ready for something he wasn't quite aware back then, for a destiny that he still doesn't want. He has to become the savior of a world that most of the time he doesn't like.
He's forgotten a lot of things during eight years, has shed on useless things that had no reason why to be there when all he was doing was fighting to survive. Compassion, sympathy, loyalty. He's broken and he knows it, Saiki had said it and he had been right. He had been fighting for one thing and one thing only.
And now...
“--Shirou? Are you feeling okay?” a hand on his shoulder, and Segawa's friendly face in front of his. “Oh, perhaps you're tired? I'll take you to the infirmary, right away! Or I'll call a teacher! Shirou?”
Kamui shakes his head no, moving his hand away from his head from where he had swayed. But before Segawa moves away to search for someone, Kamui asks.
“... could you show me where's the library?”
Segawa beams and he laughs as he nods.