Loveless - Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
Title: Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
Fandom: Loveless.
Warnings: Shota, angst. Set after the fight with the Zero girls.
Characters/couples: Ritsuka/Soubi, mentions of Seimei.
Summary: Ritsuka knows he has to go away, before Soubi burns him.
Rating: R/NC17.
Notes: Written for this years' remix_redux. Original story Until the bright light of morning makes us wake by shikishi.
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
Soubi is half hard against his ass. It takes Ritsuka a few moments of sleepily blinking into the twilight of dawn, eyes open but still immersed in the nothingness that fills him when he sleeps, before he
realizes he should move. He should get up and out of Soubi's bed and Soubi's apartment before it gets late. His mom is going to be angry enough, worried enough as it is. Yesterday he had let Soubi take his hand after he had stood before his house, cringing just at the thought of going inside after his curfew, already feeling slaps against his face and screaming rage.
Somehow, Soubi's silence and the rough of his hand against his had convinced him, and he had kept silence while they walked back to Soubi's place, kept quiet even as Soubi gave him one of his shirts to wear. He had glared at Soubi when he had come out of the bathroom, the shirt reaching above his knees easily but he hadn't said a thing as he climbed on Soubi's bed and curled to the side tightly, pulling the covers all the way up, put one pillow besides him as a clear order to not try anything perverted.
He had stayed awake, though, hearing Soubi move through his apartment, probably having a last smoke before bed, muttering something to Natsuo - yes, no, don't ask - and then Soubi had slid under the sheets, warm and smelling of toothpaste mint. Ritsuka had waited for him to take the pillow from between them, had expected
Soubi doing something weird, but Soubi had just whispered an 'I love you, Ritsuka' Soubi had whispered instead, voice velvety soft and barely above a whisper. It had rattled him, hearing Soubi's voice like that, made something inside him clench painfully around what little was of him, and he had closed his eyes tightly, not saying anything at all.
Soubi is still hard against him, giving a soft sigh as he curls closer, presses a bit more against him. Ritsuka swallows and thinks he should move. He won't be on time for school if he doesn't go home. It doesn't matter that the bed is so very warm, that somehow, during the night, the pillow had disappeared from between them and now Soubi's arm is around him, his hand curled against his chest.
He almost thinks that's what keeping his heart beating. The warmth and strength of Soubi's hand over his chest.
He needs to go. He just has to go before... something else happens. Before the weird heat that Soubi causes inside him expands and burns him whole, makes him disappear even before the real Ritsuka comes back.
Ritsuka shifts, tries to untangle himself from Soubi's long legs and arms and sheets, but he feels Soubi puling him closer until they are chest-to-chest and his legs tangle with Soubi's, too, and he feels a heart beating wildly, but he can't be sure if it's his or if it's Soubi's. He gasps when he feels Soubi's lips pressing against his temple, down his cheek, nuzzling just against his ear and he shivers because
it's still weird and new and strange, this, to think of someone kissing his neck and if he has goosebumps, he tells himself it's because he has gotten unused to feel someone else's breath against his skin, and it's just that. It's just that.
He twists, feels his own hips shift against Soubi's as he tries to make him let go, gasps again when he feels Soubi nipping at his throat, and he closes his hands against Soubi's shoulders, just a little surprised when they close around his hair.
“Soubi,” he whispers, afraid of waking up Natsuo and Youji or making them focus on the bed if they're awake, and he shivers again when he feels Soubi's hips grounding against his, feels his body start to answer the way that it's only done a couple of times since - since he and Soubi met. “Soubi, stop, I've to go-”
But Soubi's lips are against his skin still, sucking and licking and Ritsuka shivers as he lets go of Soubi's hair, as he wraps his arms around his shoulders because it feels
not bad, it's not a bad feeling the way they seem to fit, despite the sounds that one of the Zero is doing and Ritsuka thinks he should let go, now, before Natsuo comes over to see if they're still sleeping, before Youji asks out loud if they're awake already, but instead he keeps his eyes on the covers, gasps as Soubi shifts again on top of him and kisses over his jaw and then he's kissing him, and Ritsuka isn't sure if he said Soubi's name or not, just holds tighter and when Soubi's tongue licks his lower lip, he shudders but opens his mouth a little, and when Soubi shifts again, his hips move against his.
He bites his lip to stop from making any kind of sound, not sure if he wants to say Soubi's name or stop or go on, afraid of the lack of control that seems to be burning him, and when Soubi kisses him again he answers, toes curling when Soubi's tongue caresses the inside of his mouth, a whimper rising to his throat when Soubi's warm, rough hands slide under his own shirt and Ritsuka feels his stomach clenching, just like his heart is doing, keeping his eyes open on the darkness below the blankets as Soubi nuzzles against his neck again, mouth open to breath as Soubi's teeth tugs softly on his ear, when his tongue licks at the hollow of his throat and he's not sure what he wants, thinks he should push Soubi away, know that he needs to go, now, because he's burning, like a photo film with too much light, too much exposure.
Soubi, he thinks, is exposing too much of him and soon he won't be able to hide the nothingness, the emptiness.
And this is not okay, he thinks, even as he's pulling Soubi down on top of him until he's completely covered by Soubi's body. It's not okay because he's not - he's not
who Soubi wants, who Soubi is kissing. It's not okay because he's not he again, he's a shadow again, a substitute, and that knowledge makes everything hurt and ache so much it's almost unbearable, even as Soubi breathes against his skin.
His hands tremble as he tries to move Soubi's head in silence, and he kisses Soubi now, and it's he the one that licks hesitantly at Soubi's lips before his tongue touches Soubi's and then Soubi presses against him, and Ritsuka sees that Soubi's eyes are tightly closed, to help him keep the fantasy that he's someone else, someone similar enough that they both miss but that is lost for both of them forever, and he tries to ignore the sounds that Natsuo is doing, tries just to feel the way Soubi's hard against his thigh, tries to think just of that even when his breathing is coming faster and faster, and he knows that this will end soon, so very soon.
As Soubi's arms wrap around him, tight enough that it hurts, Ritsuka holds just as tightly and closes his eyes.
Fandom: Loveless.
Warnings: Shota, angst. Set after the fight with the Zero girls.
Characters/couples: Ritsuka/Soubi, mentions of Seimei.
Summary: Ritsuka knows he has to go away, before Soubi burns him.
Rating: R/NC17.
Notes: Written for this years' remix_redux. Original story Until the bright light of morning makes us wake by shikishi.
Chaque fois que tu t'en vas
Soubi is half hard against his ass. It takes Ritsuka a few moments of sleepily blinking into the twilight of dawn, eyes open but still immersed in the nothingness that fills him when he sleeps, before he
- (remembers waking up a year ago and feeling Seimei just like that, remembers asking his brother and Seimei laughing warmly, explaining to him it was completely normal, and he remembers being a bit grossed at the thought of a body doing something like that)
realizes he should move. He should get up and out of Soubi's bed and Soubi's apartment before it gets late. His mom is going to be angry enough, worried enough as it is. Yesterday he had let Soubi take his hand after he had stood before his house, cringing just at the thought of going inside after his curfew, already feeling slaps against his face and screaming rage.
Somehow, Soubi's silence and the rough of his hand against his had convinced him, and he had kept silence while they walked back to Soubi's place, kept quiet even as Soubi gave him one of his shirts to wear. He had glared at Soubi when he had come out of the bathroom, the shirt reaching above his knees easily but he hadn't said a thing as he climbed on Soubi's bed and curled to the side tightly, pulling the covers all the way up, put one pillow besides him as a clear order to not try anything perverted.
He had stayed awake, though, hearing Soubi move through his apartment, probably having a last smoke before bed, muttering something to Natsuo - yes, no, don't ask - and then Soubi had slid under the sheets, warm and smelling of toothpaste mint. Ritsuka had waited for him to take the pillow from between them, had expected
- (Seimei asking if he had brushed his teeth and washed his face, and then Seimei smiling and checking because he was weird like that, but then Seimei'd smile at him, soft and pleased and he'd mess his hair, and then he'd be pull to his brother's embrace and he'd go to sleep hearing Seimei's heart beating)
Soubi doing something weird, but Soubi had just whispered an 'I love you, Ritsuka' Soubi had whispered instead, voice velvety soft and barely above a whisper. It had rattled him, hearing Soubi's voice like that, made something inside him clench painfully around what little was of him, and he had closed his eyes tightly, not saying anything at all.
Soubi is still hard against him, giving a soft sigh as he curls closer, presses a bit more against him. Ritsuka swallows and thinks he should move. He won't be on time for school if he doesn't go home. It doesn't matter that the bed is so very warm, that somehow, during the night, the pillow had disappeared from between them and now Soubi's arm is around him, his hand curled against his chest.
He almost thinks that's what keeping his heart beating. The warmth and strength of Soubi's hand over his chest.
He needs to go. He just has to go before... something else happens. Before the weird heat that Soubi causes inside him expands and burns him whole, makes him disappear even before the real Ritsuka comes back.
Ritsuka shifts, tries to untangle himself from Soubi's long legs and arms and sheets, but he feels Soubi puling him closer until they are chest-to-chest and his legs tangle with Soubi's, too, and he feels a heart beating wildly, but he can't be sure if it's his or if it's Soubi's. He gasps when he feels Soubi's lips pressing against his temple, down his cheek, nuzzling just against his ear and he shivers because
- ('It tickles!' he tells Seimei as he laughs, and his brother laughs softly but his fingers keep pressing against his side and below his ribs, and he arches and twists in Seimei's arms and tries to break free without really trying too, because this right here is happiness)
it's still weird and new and strange, this, to think of someone kissing his neck and if he has goosebumps, he tells himself it's because he has gotten unused to feel someone else's breath against his skin, and it's just that. It's just that.
He twists, feels his own hips shift against Soubi's as he tries to make him let go, gasps again when he feels Soubi nipping at his throat, and he closes his hands against Soubi's shoulders, just a little surprised when they close around his hair.
“Soubi,” he whispers, afraid of waking up Natsuo and Youji or making them focus on the bed if they're awake, and he shivers again when he feels Soubi's hips grounding against his, feels his body start to answer the way that it's only done a couple of times since - since he and Soubi met. “Soubi, stop, I've to go-”
But Soubi's lips are against his skin still, sucking and licking and Ritsuka shivers as he lets go of Soubi's hair, as he wraps his arms around his shoulders because it feels
- (weird to think that Seimei is dead. It's not real. Ritsuka repeats the words for himself in Seimei's room, over and over, frowning as he tastes the words. The door is locked but he hears their mother's screams, their father trying to calm her, and Ritsuka keeps saying the words and feels the shape of them but they don't feel real at all)
not bad, it's not a bad feeling the way they seem to fit, despite the sounds that one of the Zero is doing and Ritsuka thinks he should let go, now, before Natsuo comes over to see if they're still sleeping, before Youji asks out loud if they're awake already, but instead he keeps his eyes on the covers, gasps as Soubi shifts again on top of him and kisses over his jaw and then he's kissing him, and Ritsuka isn't sure if he said Soubi's name or not, just holds tighter and when Soubi's tongue licks his lower lip, he shudders but opens his mouth a little, and when Soubi shifts again, his hips move against his.
He bites his lip to stop from making any kind of sound, not sure if he wants to say Soubi's name or stop or go on, afraid of the lack of control that seems to be burning him, and when Soubi kisses him again he answers, toes curling when Soubi's tongue caresses the inside of his mouth, a whimper rising to his throat when Soubi's warm, rough hands slide under his own shirt and Ritsuka feels his stomach clenching, just like his heart is doing, keeping his eyes open on the darkness below the blankets as Soubi nuzzles against his neck again, mouth open to breath as Soubi's teeth tugs softly on his ear, when his tongue licks at the hollow of his throat and he's not sure what he wants, thinks he should push Soubi away, know that he needs to go, now, because he's burning, like a photo film with too much light, too much exposure.
Soubi, he thinks, is exposing too much of him and soon he won't be able to hide the nothingness, the emptiness.
And this is not okay, he thinks, even as he's pulling Soubi down on top of him until he's completely covered by Soubi's body. It's not okay because he's not - he's not
- (Seimei)
who Soubi wants, who Soubi is kissing. It's not okay because he's not he again, he's a shadow again, a substitute, and that knowledge makes everything hurt and ache so much it's almost unbearable, even as Soubi breathes against his skin.
His hands tremble as he tries to move Soubi's head in silence, and he kisses Soubi now, and it's he the one that licks hesitantly at Soubi's lips before his tongue touches Soubi's and then Soubi presses against him, and Ritsuka sees that Soubi's eyes are tightly closed, to help him keep the fantasy that he's someone else, someone similar enough that they both miss but that is lost for both of them forever, and he tries to ignore the sounds that Natsuo is doing, tries just to feel the way Soubi's hard against his thigh, tries to think just of that even when his breathing is coming faster and faster, and he knows that this will end soon, so very soon.
As Soubi's arms wrap around him, tight enough that it hurts, Ritsuka holds just as tightly and closes his eyes.