wanna wipe out all the sad ideas; sefan
pairing: wu fan(kris)/girl!sehun, ninja!suhan
word count: 1.3k
rating/genre: g, angst
summary: there was a zenith in seyong's life made up of a ephemeral love with wu fan
a/n: wow this really is badly written but it's based on a true experience i guess, unbeta'd, written for praxisss
Seyoung never admits how she likes things to be familiar. She’s adhered to this routine which comprises of a select few (people) and being included in her routine is something of a privilege per say. She carries through everyday with an indifference that’s rare in this age, face showcasing the smallest slivers of emotions (and the daya she breaks her stoic facade with a smile, people forget the process of inhalation). And Wu Fan, Wu Fan’s the base of her routine. He’s the ground she’s built a fragile wall on because she likes control but he’s quite the opposite.
Wu Fan, for his imposing demeanor is really frivolous to the bone and it’s heady to have him wrapped around Seyoung's finger. He’s the boy you speak to until three a.m one day and don’t make eye contact with for a week. He’s the boy who makes her feel safe and loved and losing him, losing Wu Fan is something unthinkable (and Wu Fan loves her with all the blind passion of a teenager. Wu Fan tries tries tried to break Seyong down to a form where everyone can see what he sees, where she can accept the love she deserves).
The first time they kiss, Seyong feels part of herself latching onto Wu Fan. It tastes like sunsets and enigmas and bottled happiness because that's how she feels around Wu Fan. He's tall and she is too but there's something that makes it feel the slightest bit like they're...it's not puzzle pieces but more like the yin and yang symbols. They always go together and nothing nothing nothing changes it. Puzzle pieces are cliched and Seyong is not one for cliche, oh that vulnerable oh so mature princess.
Wu Fan holds her like glass and yet she breaks and shatters and cracks because Wu Fan Wu Fan oh dear god Wu Fan is kissing her and breaking her bones as he loves her. No one else comes in between and everyone else sees them in love. Many say Seyong will eventually break Wu Fan’s heart and she finds it to be lies, Wu Fan loves her too much to ever leave.
Or does he.
It’s slow. Wu Fan pulls away slowly, like trees putting roots only these work in the opposite direction. The roots he’s ensnared Seyong's heart in are being pulled out one by one and it’s a painful process. He weeps externally and yet she doesn’t (because she’s caught glimpse of some temporary solace by the name of Jongin or something else and lost sight of home, of Wu Fan, of comfort and familiarity and not a single good morning text).
A year or so after Wu Fan’s been pulled up by the roots does she realise his absence and the chaos spelt alongside it. Seyong’s lost. For the first time she’s lost because her home, her guide, her anchor, with his loud laughter and gummy smile and crinkled eyes and nonexistent swag and borderline narcissistic personality, isn’t there. And it’s painful because she has no one to tell this to; has no one other than him, he’s her everything.
(She has some friends who hang around, who haven't been around long enough, who tear her layers off and who figure her out. It's only one friend in so many acquaintances who peels her back the way only Wu Fan can. Lui Han is the second solance Seyong has only after Wu Fan.)
She denies it to the best of her abilities but she's still in love with Wu Fan because no one has ever really broken her walls like he has.
(She makes a bet with Lui Han; if she doesn't talk about Wu Fan then Lui Han can't talk about Kim Junmyeon. Seyong loses in the span of an hour, Lui Han grinning obnoxiously until Seyong points out that Lui Han has to see the senior for a namelist due for the school magazine.)
Jealousy. It’s what Seyong feels when she sees her Wu Fan (always so possessive) with another girl. Maybe it’s also bitterness because Yixing shines just as bright as he does, maybe even more, maybe suns and stars go together, wait, they are the same; all balls of gas and light and blinding pain at the core. Pain because she’s clawing at his door, clawing for him, regrets and mistakes and memories made.
Seyong's life is bleached without Wu Fan. An inverted photo of browns and sepias and blacks and whites. And occasionally (rarely), Wu Fan comes around and she’s like a blind woman seeing the sun. They stay up well into the night; in a comfortable silence only those who know each other well enough can feel self assured with.
They play several games of Draw My Thing, Lui Han and Junmyeon join at some point but leave. Wu Fan tries teaching her how to play God of War through his shitty webcam but Seyong is more interested in the way he smiles so brightly. She doesn't know why she does this, reopening old wounds, talking with Wu Fan instead of studying.
Maybe Wu Fan’s not the sun, the sun is constant, is perpetual, wound never leave the sky before its time. He’s the moon. He’s always changing and he holds a beauty deep deep down, a beauty you have to look to find and when it’s not there... you just can’t help but go a little off track. Seyong is a star; she'll never be bright enough for Wu Fan to reflect, never be bright enough for Wu Fan to love (and maybe it's her indifference that caused them to fall apart, her dedication to mundane little things instead of a bigger brighter Wu Fan).
Seyong can’t deal with the fury that fills her whenever she sees Wu Fan now. Sometimes she wonders if she clutched just as hard at him as he did would he be around? Would all the changes stay irrelevant if he had her? She prides herself on being controlled, scorns those who don’t but every shred of control she has is lost around him, without him. Around him, she’s bared down to the core.
Around Wu Fan Seyong is a plant stretching out for sunlight.
It takes Seyong far too long to realise that her precious control only lasts because of him. It takes even longer to face the fact she might (does) need Wu Fan more than he ever did.
And it will take an eternity to realise that this time around, he’s not going to plant seeds with care and joy and all the carelessness of an adolescent because this time, it’s him who tore himself out by the roots, who walked away.
It was him who dangled the lantern and walked far and fast ahead of her, and she was left in the dark, too afraid to walk forward, too confused to walk back.
Too angry to accept her anchor had left. And that he was never coming back. Maybe it was her own fault. Who knows. He certainly isn’t looking back to tell. Wu Fan certainly seems happy enough where he is today and Seyong thinks, no feels, that if she really loved Wu Fan she'd let him go.
And she does but in the course, loses herself. Where is Wu Fan she asks as she bobs further away. Wu Fan’s going going gone, a memory of happier days and empty promises.
Wu Fan shows up when it's raining like all cliches before. He looks beautiful like this, drenched and pale and blue lips and Seyong wonders if he's a corpse sent to bring her along to her grave because it certainly feels like death without Wu Fan to hold her.
I'm sorry he whispers, hands tracing the contours of her face almost like there's no tomorrow. Seyong wants to hate him but she loves him far too much; recognizes the Wu Fan in the apology, heart cracking silently.
She never begrudges Wu Fan, merely hates him afterwards because he promised tomorrow's, not yesterday's and here she is, far away from him, from the hope of tomorrow’s.
She tells Lui Han how much she hates Wu Fan. It’s all lies. She never could and she never will.