Better than last update at least. (or so I thought till the end...)
Kinda blahh. Met this chick Katie today. Hung out it was pretty cool. Went to karate after some time off, feelin really good about that. But i'm just hitting the blahh stage for the night. Got a paper to write etc. Fuckin balls. I... I am confused. Fighting myself.
I'm the worst kind of asshole there is. The asshole that most people don't know is a fuckin dickhead. I want my cake and to eat it to. I'm a hydden hypocrite and a fuckin liar and hustler making people think I'm better than I really am. I think I'm above the law a lot of the time and nobody's gonna stop me because I'm fakely a good person. Makes me angry with myself because sometimes I stand for everything that I stand against. What needs to happen is a harsh and cold dose of reality, the kind that's gonna make me wanna fuckin explode with sorrow. Cold shower after watching porn. Feel dirty for it. But it's not a behavior that I'm likely to wake up and change. Kinda like smoking. Ok, so motherfuckers, you got an excuse for that? No. You're addicted. You're addicted to a behavior that's most likely going to kill you. Well I am too bitch. Assholism is my motherfuckin drug. It's my cigarette. My fuckin alcohol. There's my shit. My dangerous, self destructive habit. Being the way I am. So we're even, bitch. But the thing is, I'm trying hard to stop. I just have to figure out a strategy. Quitting smoking is easy with discipline. Toss your smokes dumbass. Don't buy any more. This behavior is a little bit different. It'll take time to stop. I just gotta start being real~er.
Wow I just got downer than I've ever been... I can't believe how big a wave of depression just hit me. I was thinking about shit, and how life is for right now. Not just for me but for a lot of people. And I don't think I'm doing more good than harm. I'm slipping. I'm looking at the picture without me and it's alright. Everybody's doing fine, and I'm not wasting energy anymore. I'm not causing anybody any shit either. It's cool. Unfortunately I'm just too smart (or maybe stupid) to make that happen. Too stubborn? Too strong? Too scared probably. Whatever it is I guess I'll just chill here and fucking be a rotted crab. I just wanna take a few weeks (months? years?) off from life. Be away. Let everyone go about they businesses without me. This all after all that fun I've been having, it's a damn shame. I thought a few weeks ago shit was falling into place quite well. I don't know what happened. I just started ruining my/everyone's life. It feels like it's catching up with me. All the bad shit I've been missing for a while, hitting all at once. Making me realize where I really stand in life. Not really much of anywhere. Fuckin blows. I'm out. FFN