where is my mind?
I've been forgetting my pills like...a lot. My Rupus meds anyway, I try to be a bit more diligent with my depression/anxiety stuff. I have this massive "days of the week" pill holder and usually Sundays I sit and fill it for the week with alllllll the crap I've gotta take but lately I don't know, I feel...disillusioned maybe? My mental state has been funky and I honestly wonder if I'm not going through the damn "change". I got my period super early, so why not go through menopause before 40 right? I could also be wrong but DAMN hormones. But back to my pill stuff, it sort of feels like when schizophrenics are like "I feel good. I'm going to quit taking these pills..." and all Hell breaks loose. It's like- I'm tired. I don't know what to do with myself most days, I feel like it's stupid to restrict myself so much because I feel OK but there's that (probably 100% correct) part of me that knows I'm doing this well because I have restricted myself so much. So I've become lax with my pills, maybe as a test of how I"m really doing and the answer is: not nearly as well as I want to be or think I am. Yet I'm still shirking my meds. The thought of having to sit there sorting all those pills is exhausting and I don't want to. And I don't want to have to.
Now I'm falling back apart. This past Friday my dad came down to have lunch and I had to use my cane. I had to use it to get around the house, much less leave the house and that hasn't happened in a while. And I hated that it had to happen on a day when I saw Dad because I know it scares him. I've been that fun flavor of nauseous where you are hungry but the thought of eating makes you nauseous but so does the thought of *not* eating. I'm seeing a lot of things that aren't there. I hesitate to consider it hallucinating because it's not like computer animated babies are dancing in my living room but it's still becoming frequent enough to be bothersome. It's almost exclusively peripheral vision type stuff where I think I see one of the cats but realize it's a grocery bag, I see people on the side of the road that aren't there- that kind of thing. I need to get my shit together, I need this to not be another symptom. It's hard not to resent the sh*t out of your body and I'm not sure how to stop.
Now I'm falling back apart. This past Friday my dad came down to have lunch and I had to use my cane. I had to use it to get around the house, much less leave the house and that hasn't happened in a while. And I hated that it had to happen on a day when I saw Dad because I know it scares him. I've been that fun flavor of nauseous where you are hungry but the thought of eating makes you nauseous but so does the thought of *not* eating. I'm seeing a lot of things that aren't there. I hesitate to consider it hallucinating because it's not like computer animated babies are dancing in my living room but it's still becoming frequent enough to be bothersome. It's almost exclusively peripheral vision type stuff where I think I see one of the cats but realize it's a grocery bag, I see people on the side of the road that aren't there- that kind of thing. I need to get my shit together, I need this to not be another symptom. It's hard not to resent the sh*t out of your body and I'm not sure how to stop.