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Chris and Kyle's Guide To Cooking A Cactus Leaf... thing... yeah
Today, we're going to learn how to cook something you'll never eat, nor should you want to; Cactus! While going through a Wal-Mart today, my roomate Kyle and I spotted something we have never before eaten; Cactus. It was in the Produce Section, so we assumed, perhaps falsely, that it was meant to be eaten.
Acknowledgmentation OMFG I made up a word!
We have no fucking clue what we're doing.
Preparation #1: Raw
First, cut off the pointy things that hurt. Then eat it. Taste like bland shit.
Preparation #2: Clean Raw
Usually done once you notice that overwhelming taste of dirt w/HIV. Wash it. Then eat it. Taste like bland shit minus the STD.
Preparation #3: Boiled
Get some water. I don't know how much. Fill like, half of a kinda largish small pot. Put it on the burner thing. Make it boil. Throw in cactus. Wait until something happens, or you get tired of waiting, or whatever. Brings out the shitty salt watery taste.
Preparation #4: Boiled (oil)
Grab oil. Not motor oil, but the vegetable kind. Use a plastic spatula to lower Cactus into oil. Then lift. You'll notice the spatula has melted, leaving chunks of molten plastic in the pot. This is the raddest fucking part about preparing a cactus. Once you've done that, throw out everything in the pot, and start over, using a metal utensil of some sort. Now, once you throw the cactus in, hit the floor. Hot oil will spew everywhere at this point, forceing you to dodge. This would be the awesomest, if it wasn't for the fact that you might end up horribly scared and disfigured. Anyways, once it stops DONT get back up, because you wont be able to breath. The room will be filled with smoke, causing your eyes to water, so go ahead and get some fans to blow the smoke away from the detectors. Open up windows. Let oil cool, grab cactus peice, eat. You will now know why somethings are meant to be eaten, and others are meant to stay in the desert and stab people.
Conclusion
Don't eat this shit. It taste really bad.
--Chris
Today, we're going to learn how to cook something you'll never eat, nor should you want to; Cactus! While going through a Wal-Mart today, my roomate Kyle and I spotted something we have never before eaten; Cactus. It was in the Produce Section, so we assumed, perhaps falsely, that it was meant to be eaten.
Acknowledgmentation OMFG I made up a word!
We have no fucking clue what we're doing.
Preparation #1: Raw
First, cut off the pointy things that hurt. Then eat it. Taste like bland shit.
Preparation #2: Clean Raw
Usually done once you notice that overwhelming taste of dirt w/HIV. Wash it. Then eat it. Taste like bland shit minus the STD.
Preparation #3: Boiled
Get some water. I don't know how much. Fill like, half of a kinda largish small pot. Put it on the burner thing. Make it boil. Throw in cactus. Wait until something happens, or you get tired of waiting, or whatever. Brings out the shitty salt watery taste.
Preparation #4: Boiled (oil)
Grab oil. Not motor oil, but the vegetable kind. Use a plastic spatula to lower Cactus into oil. Then lift. You'll notice the spatula has melted, leaving chunks of molten plastic in the pot. This is the raddest fucking part about preparing a cactus. Once you've done that, throw out everything in the pot, and start over, using a metal utensil of some sort. Now, once you throw the cactus in, hit the floor. Hot oil will spew everywhere at this point, forceing you to dodge. This would be the awesomest, if it wasn't for the fact that you might end up horribly scared and disfigured. Anyways, once it stops DONT get back up, because you wont be able to breath. The room will be filled with smoke, causing your eyes to water, so go ahead and get some fans to blow the smoke away from the detectors. Open up windows. Let oil cool, grab cactus peice, eat. You will now know why somethings are meant to be eaten, and others are meant to stay in the desert and stab people.
Conclusion
Don't eat this shit. It taste really bad.
--Chris