This is fucking funny.. Latter half.
A little over a week ago I posted an update on Something Awful in response to a deluge of mail I received after an Awful Link of the Day about a stillborn baby shrine. After that update the email dwindled to a trickle of legal threats. However, one of the women involved tracked down my instant messaging info and the harassment by angry quasi-mothers began on a whole new front. For the most part I ignored their messages or replied with one-liners that sent them into apoplectic monologues, but I toyed with a few that seemed particularly stupid or goofy. This is the story of one of those women. This is the story of "Udreamofjeanie".
Udreamofjeanie: Are you the @$$hole that has been harassing the mother's of angels?
~Connor~: What? Goodness, no.
Udreamofjeanie: it says in ur info that you are zack parson you wrote a disgusting article about women who where greaving very seriously for their lost loved ones!
~Connor~: Lord no! My name is Dakota Parsons. Maybe you mean my son, Zack.
Udreamofjeanie: u should read this then http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2538 this is what your son wrote and it is very hurtful. if he were my son I would show him some disipline.
~Connor~: Well Jeanie, I don't hit my children. I have very soft hands. When my husband gets home from work I will ask him to put the fear of God into Zack. I will just turn my music up loud again.
Udreamofjeanie: Thx a lot Dakota. there are some very upset mothers.
~Connor~: Is there anything else I can do?
Udreamofjeanie: have him take the article down and apologize
~Connor~: I don't think he'll apologize. Zack has been in this sort of big trouble before and he is very stubborn. It comes from being bullied.
Udreamofjeanie: LOL I culd tell that he was bullied!
~Connor~: Yes, it's because of his condition. All of the abuse has made him a mean person and he gets into a lot of trouble.
Udreamofjeanie: What sort of condition?
~Connor~: Last week he spent the night in jail for vandalizing the nativity scene downtown. He broke the Baby Jesus with a hammer.
~Connor~: Oh, his condition is very serious he has to go for regular treatments to the doctor and at night he has to be hooked up to a special IV.
Udreamofjeanie: That sounds awful whats wrong w/ him?
~Connor~: It is very hard on me. He does not sleep well and that means I don't sleep well. I have no free time and Huck and I hardly even talk to each other anymore. I feel very alienated from my husband and that is not a good way to have a marriage.
Udreamofjeanie: no its not what is his problem?
~Connor~: He has a very rare skin problem that the doctors are still trying to repair. Or do you mean Huck? If you mean Huck I just don't think he has enough time. He always finds extra work to do because he doesn't like to be around Zack. He thinks that he somehow failed because of Zack's skin problem.
Udreamofjeanie: well try and talk to him and ask him to take his article down
~Connor~: Are you married, Jeanie?
Udreamofjeanie: Yes i have a husband for 3 years in january
~Connor~: That's so wonderful! And did you give birth to any angels?
Udreamofjeanie: NO MY SIster had vive miscarriages and she told me about your sons homepage
~Connor~: Sometimes at night I lay awake in bed and wonder where Huck is. He tells me he's working, but I just don't know anymore. It's so hard for me to believe, but I can't think he would cheat on me. I just get lonely, and with Zack's condition I don't know what to do.
Udreamofjeanie: i get lonely some times 2 cuz my hubbie works third shift
~Connor~: I bet. It sounds like you know exactly how I feel. See, sometimes women just have to help each other out. Do you know what I mean?
Udreamofjeanie: no
~Connor~: I mean a woman knows exactly what another woman needs and she can give it to that other woman and it will help heal the wounds of Zack's condition and how Huck ignores me.
~Connor~: Sometimes just talking is enough, sometimes it takes more.
Udreamofjeanie: WTH!!
~Connor~: WTH, indeed. I'm sorry, I'll change the subject. What do you look like, Jeanie?
Udreamofjeanie: im pretty short, my husband says i have a getto boody i need to go to the gym more is what i think
~Connor~: Mmmm, that sounds hot. I have long red hair and I am very shapely. I'm getting all excited talking to you and my breasts are straining at the fabric that contains them.
Udreamofjeanie: thats nasty dont be talking like that
~Connor~: I can't help it, Jeanie, the thought of your getto boody is inflaming my deepest passions. I am touching myself through my panties and it is starting to get wet south of the border, if you know what I mean Jeanie.
Udreamofjeanie: STFU
~Connor~: I'm kissing you to shut myself the fuck up, Jeanie. Our hot lips press together in a torrid embrace and my hands rove over your body.
~Connor~: BRB gonna move to the sex chair.
Udreamofjeanie: ?!?!
Udreamofjeanie: hello are you still there?
Udreamofjeanie: well thank you for talking to your son about his homepage
~Connor~: Sorry, I'm back Jeanie. The pulleys got stuck again and I had to oil them to lift me into the chair. Left a hell of a mark on my legs. Now where did we leave off?
Udreamofjeanie: i g2g
~Connor~: No! Don't go, I'm just settling in and I never get a chance to talk to a real woman like you. What with Zack's condition and the constant strain it puts on my life.
Udreamofjeanie: im not into this sort fo thing
~Connor~: You don't have to be! Just pretend! It's just like the Land of Make Believe. See, there's the trolley and that's the Internet carrying my passion to you, and there's Prince Tuesday, soft and smooth, always polite. And there's Lady Elaine whose reddened face matches the engorged flesh of my womanhood.
Udreamofjeanie: ok i guess but i g2g soon
~Connor~: Thank you! You're so beautiful, Jeanie. I've wanted to do this since we first met.
Udreamofjeanie: ok you are beautiful too dakota
~Connor~: I pull you against me with my strong arms and let my fingers trace down your hips to play with your succulent backside.
Udreamofjeanie: im kissin ur neck
~Connor~: I slowly unbutton your blouse with my teeth, exposing your pert breasts and pink nipples to the cool air. My breath is hot on your skin and my tongue swirls around each in turn.
Udreamofjeanie: ooh thats nice
~Connor~: I slowly slide your skirt down past your thighs. My fingers reach between your legs and massage the damp cleft of your womanhood through your cotton panties.
Udreamofjeanie: im startin to get worked up~Connor~: I'll say! But excuse me for one moment, the pneumatic is making a weird sound.
Udreamofjeanie: ok
Udreamofjeanie: helo?
~Connor~: Okay, it was just low on oil and it was hard to reach from the sex chair. By rocking it from side to side I was able to work up enough momentum to lean over the edge and dump in the oil. Where were we?
Udreamofjeanie: i g2g
~Connor~: Please, just a little bit longer. I'm almost there. It feels so good talking to you.
Udreamofjeanie: no serously i have to go
~Connor~: Five minutes! Please! I'm going to go out of my mind if I can't get release.
Udreamofjeanie: no!
~Connor~: Oh crud, I just heard the front door open. Huck is going to kill me! There's no way I can get out of the sex chair and clean up all the grease in time!
Udreamofjeanie: WTF
~Connor~: Look, Jeanie, Huck is very abusive. He is going to beat me half to death if he thinks I'm doing lesbian stuff again. You have to pretend to be my doctor if he asks you questions.
Udreamofjeanie: WHAT???
Udreamofjeanie: DAKOta?
~Connor~: Yes, this is Dakota.
Udreamofjeanie: i cant pretend to be ur doctor!
~Connor~: That could have been Huck! The next message could be Huck! If he doesn't believe you 100% he is going to give me two black eyes.
Udreamofjeanie: I G2G!!
~Connor~: He's walking towards the door!
Udreamofjeanie: Helo?
Udreamofjeanie: whats going on?
~Connor~: Hello doctor why is my wife oiled up like a hog stuck in a gas pipe?
Udreamofjeanie: i was examinen her problems
~Connor~: Were you doing that with the big hydraulic piston stuck inside half her holes?
Udreamofjeanie: yes that is my area of expertise
~Connor~: And the electrified alligator clips stuck to her nipples?
Udreamofjeanie: those are computer sencers so i can see the readouts
~Connor~: Oh, okay, is your office that one on Himmler Street?
Udreamofjeanie: yes
~Connor~: In the Goering Memorial Building?
Udreamofjeanie: yeah thats it
~Connor~: I think I know exactly which office you're in. Right next to the Rudolph Hess Eyeglass Bunker?
Udreamofjeanie: yes it is right nextdoor
~Connor~: Not the one on the 3rd floor. The one on the 8th floor that has a display for those hats that help your vision.
Udreamofjeanie: i walk by that every day
~Connor~: Oh, you must be Doctor Historysmysteries then. I'm sorry for doubting you, my friend sees you for psoriasis. Do you think you'll be able to get that cleared up?
Udreamofjeanie: yes hell be fine
~Connor~: HA HA! I caught you in my logic trap. I don't have any friends! Who are you really? Another one of the lesbo harlots tempting my wife into sin?! I KNEW Dakota was lying to me!
Udreamofjeanie: wait i really am a doctor
~Connor~: Bullpucky! If you're a doctor then I'm a Choctaw medicine man.
Udreamofjeanie: no my name is Doctor Histrymysters i just got confused about patients
~Connor~: Jeez, I'm sorry for flying off the handle at you like that. I just get this vibe that my wife is cheating on me. I don't know why that is.
Udreamofjeanie: no ur wife is not cheating
~Connor~: So then tell me doc, what's wrong with my wife's pussy?
Udreamofjeanie: we call it a vagina in medicine thank you
~Connor~: I'm sorry, I'm just a simple man without a PHD in doctorology.
~Connor~: Are you still there, doctor?
Udreamofjeanie: its quiet allright I understand. your wife is suffering from uterus polops but i believe from this test that she is fine. i told her to schedule an apointmnet to see her next week
~Connor~: So you think you have a cure? If we have another baby it would turn out like Zack?
Udreamofjeanie: imho may work who knows it will take losts of tests tho
~Connor~: And you're sure these "polops" are why she keeps having black babies?
Udreamofjeanie: WTF
~Connor~: Dakota told me that you said it was genetic. The treatments and medication to turn Zack white have been so expensive and I don't think they're really working. He looks like a Dalmatian now.
Udreamofjeanie: i think maybe she was cheating on u
~Connor~: But you told Dakota that Zack being black was caused by a birth defect!
Udreamofjeanie: im not a doctor ur wife told me to act like one so u wouldnt freak out
~Connor~: HA HA! I caught you in another logic trap! Doctor Hystorysmysteries told me HIMSELF that it was a birth defect. Proof positive that you aren't a real doctor.
Udreamofjeanie: i just told u that
~Connor~: You're a darned liar. Why should I believe anything you say? I bet you ARE a real doctor.
Udreamofjeanie: lol your family is messed up
~Connor~: WE'RE NOT THE ONES PRETENDING WE'RE NOT DOCTORS!
Udreamofjeanie: im not a doctor!
~Connor~: We'll see about that! I'll run a trace on your Internet and see if it's a doctor's computer you're using. ~Connor~: Trace running… (Udreamofjeanie has disconnected)
~Connor~: Trace running… ~Connor~: Trace completed. You ARE a doctor! I knew it!
Udreamofjeanie: Are you the @$$hole that has been harassing the mother's of angels?
~Connor~: What? Goodness, no.
Udreamofjeanie: it says in ur info that you are zack parson you wrote a disgusting article about women who where greaving very seriously for their lost loved ones!
~Connor~: Lord no! My name is Dakota Parsons. Maybe you mean my son, Zack.
Udreamofjeanie: u should read this then http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2538 this is what your son wrote and it is very hurtful. if he were my son I would show him some disipline.
~Connor~: Well Jeanie, I don't hit my children. I have very soft hands. When my husband gets home from work I will ask him to put the fear of God into Zack. I will just turn my music up loud again.
Udreamofjeanie: Thx a lot Dakota. there are some very upset mothers.
~Connor~: Is there anything else I can do?
Udreamofjeanie: have him take the article down and apologize
~Connor~: I don't think he'll apologize. Zack has been in this sort of big trouble before and he is very stubborn. It comes from being bullied.
Udreamofjeanie: LOL I culd tell that he was bullied!
~Connor~: Yes, it's because of his condition. All of the abuse has made him a mean person and he gets into a lot of trouble.
Udreamofjeanie: What sort of condition?
~Connor~: Last week he spent the night in jail for vandalizing the nativity scene downtown. He broke the Baby Jesus with a hammer.
~Connor~: Oh, his condition is very serious he has to go for regular treatments to the doctor and at night he has to be hooked up to a special IV.
Udreamofjeanie: That sounds awful whats wrong w/ him?
~Connor~: It is very hard on me. He does not sleep well and that means I don't sleep well. I have no free time and Huck and I hardly even talk to each other anymore. I feel very alienated from my husband and that is not a good way to have a marriage.
Udreamofjeanie: no its not what is his problem?
~Connor~: He has a very rare skin problem that the doctors are still trying to repair. Or do you mean Huck? If you mean Huck I just don't think he has enough time. He always finds extra work to do because he doesn't like to be around Zack. He thinks that he somehow failed because of Zack's skin problem.
Udreamofjeanie: well try and talk to him and ask him to take his article down
~Connor~: Are you married, Jeanie?
Udreamofjeanie: Yes i have a husband for 3 years in january
~Connor~: That's so wonderful! And did you give birth to any angels?
Udreamofjeanie: NO MY SIster had vive miscarriages and she told me about your sons homepage
~Connor~: Sometimes at night I lay awake in bed and wonder where Huck is. He tells me he's working, but I just don't know anymore. It's so hard for me to believe, but I can't think he would cheat on me. I just get lonely, and with Zack's condition I don't know what to do.
Udreamofjeanie: i get lonely some times 2 cuz my hubbie works third shift
~Connor~: I bet. It sounds like you know exactly how I feel. See, sometimes women just have to help each other out. Do you know what I mean?
Udreamofjeanie: no
~Connor~: I mean a woman knows exactly what another woman needs and she can give it to that other woman and it will help heal the wounds of Zack's condition and how Huck ignores me.
~Connor~: Sometimes just talking is enough, sometimes it takes more.
Udreamofjeanie: WTH!!
~Connor~: WTH, indeed. I'm sorry, I'll change the subject. What do you look like, Jeanie?
Udreamofjeanie: im pretty short, my husband says i have a getto boody i need to go to the gym more is what i think
~Connor~: Mmmm, that sounds hot. I have long red hair and I am very shapely. I'm getting all excited talking to you and my breasts are straining at the fabric that contains them.
Udreamofjeanie: thats nasty dont be talking like that
~Connor~: I can't help it, Jeanie, the thought of your getto boody is inflaming my deepest passions. I am touching myself through my panties and it is starting to get wet south of the border, if you know what I mean Jeanie.
Udreamofjeanie: STFU
~Connor~: I'm kissing you to shut myself the fuck up, Jeanie. Our hot lips press together in a torrid embrace and my hands rove over your body.
~Connor~: BRB gonna move to the sex chair.
Udreamofjeanie: ?!?!
Udreamofjeanie: hello are you still there?
Udreamofjeanie: well thank you for talking to your son about his homepage
~Connor~: Sorry, I'm back Jeanie. The pulleys got stuck again and I had to oil them to lift me into the chair. Left a hell of a mark on my legs. Now where did we leave off?
Udreamofjeanie: i g2g
~Connor~: No! Don't go, I'm just settling in and I never get a chance to talk to a real woman like you. What with Zack's condition and the constant strain it puts on my life.
Udreamofjeanie: im not into this sort fo thing
~Connor~: You don't have to be! Just pretend! It's just like the Land of Make Believe. See, there's the trolley and that's the Internet carrying my passion to you, and there's Prince Tuesday, soft and smooth, always polite. And there's Lady Elaine whose reddened face matches the engorged flesh of my womanhood.
Udreamofjeanie: ok i guess but i g2g soon
~Connor~: Thank you! You're so beautiful, Jeanie. I've wanted to do this since we first met.
Udreamofjeanie: ok you are beautiful too dakota
~Connor~: I pull you against me with my strong arms and let my fingers trace down your hips to play with your succulent backside.
Udreamofjeanie: im kissin ur neck
~Connor~: I slowly unbutton your blouse with my teeth, exposing your pert breasts and pink nipples to the cool air. My breath is hot on your skin and my tongue swirls around each in turn.
Udreamofjeanie: ooh thats nice
~Connor~: I slowly slide your skirt down past your thighs. My fingers reach between your legs and massage the damp cleft of your womanhood through your cotton panties.
Udreamofjeanie: im startin to get worked up~Connor~: I'll say! But excuse me for one moment, the pneumatic is making a weird sound.
Udreamofjeanie: ok
Udreamofjeanie: helo?
~Connor~: Okay, it was just low on oil and it was hard to reach from the sex chair. By rocking it from side to side I was able to work up enough momentum to lean over the edge and dump in the oil. Where were we?
Udreamofjeanie: i g2g
~Connor~: Please, just a little bit longer. I'm almost there. It feels so good talking to you.
Udreamofjeanie: no serously i have to go
~Connor~: Five minutes! Please! I'm going to go out of my mind if I can't get release.
Udreamofjeanie: no!
~Connor~: Oh crud, I just heard the front door open. Huck is going to kill me! There's no way I can get out of the sex chair and clean up all the grease in time!
Udreamofjeanie: WTF
~Connor~: Look, Jeanie, Huck is very abusive. He is going to beat me half to death if he thinks I'm doing lesbian stuff again. You have to pretend to be my doctor if he asks you questions.
Udreamofjeanie: WHAT???
Udreamofjeanie: DAKOta?
~Connor~: Yes, this is Dakota.
Udreamofjeanie: i cant pretend to be ur doctor!
~Connor~: That could have been Huck! The next message could be Huck! If he doesn't believe you 100% he is going to give me two black eyes.
Udreamofjeanie: I G2G!!
~Connor~: He's walking towards the door!
Udreamofjeanie: Helo?
Udreamofjeanie: whats going on?
~Connor~: Hello doctor why is my wife oiled up like a hog stuck in a gas pipe?
Udreamofjeanie: i was examinen her problems
~Connor~: Were you doing that with the big hydraulic piston stuck inside half her holes?
Udreamofjeanie: yes that is my area of expertise
~Connor~: And the electrified alligator clips stuck to her nipples?
Udreamofjeanie: those are computer sencers so i can see the readouts
~Connor~: Oh, okay, is your office that one on Himmler Street?
Udreamofjeanie: yes
~Connor~: In the Goering Memorial Building?
Udreamofjeanie: yeah thats it
~Connor~: I think I know exactly which office you're in. Right next to the Rudolph Hess Eyeglass Bunker?
Udreamofjeanie: yes it is right nextdoor
~Connor~: Not the one on the 3rd floor. The one on the 8th floor that has a display for those hats that help your vision.
Udreamofjeanie: i walk by that every day
~Connor~: Oh, you must be Doctor Historysmysteries then. I'm sorry for doubting you, my friend sees you for psoriasis. Do you think you'll be able to get that cleared up?
Udreamofjeanie: yes hell be fine
~Connor~: HA HA! I caught you in my logic trap. I don't have any friends! Who are you really? Another one of the lesbo harlots tempting my wife into sin?! I KNEW Dakota was lying to me!
Udreamofjeanie: wait i really am a doctor
~Connor~: Bullpucky! If you're a doctor then I'm a Choctaw medicine man.
Udreamofjeanie: no my name is Doctor Histrymysters i just got confused about patients
~Connor~: Jeez, I'm sorry for flying off the handle at you like that. I just get this vibe that my wife is cheating on me. I don't know why that is.
Udreamofjeanie: no ur wife is not cheating
~Connor~: So then tell me doc, what's wrong with my wife's pussy?
Udreamofjeanie: we call it a vagina in medicine thank you
~Connor~: I'm sorry, I'm just a simple man without a PHD in doctorology.
~Connor~: Are you still there, doctor?
Udreamofjeanie: its quiet allright I understand. your wife is suffering from uterus polops but i believe from this test that she is fine. i told her to schedule an apointmnet to see her next week
~Connor~: So you think you have a cure? If we have another baby it would turn out like Zack?
Udreamofjeanie: imho may work who knows it will take losts of tests tho
~Connor~: And you're sure these "polops" are why she keeps having black babies?
Udreamofjeanie: WTF
~Connor~: Dakota told me that you said it was genetic. The treatments and medication to turn Zack white have been so expensive and I don't think they're really working. He looks like a Dalmatian now.
Udreamofjeanie: i think maybe she was cheating on u
~Connor~: But you told Dakota that Zack being black was caused by a birth defect!
Udreamofjeanie: im not a doctor ur wife told me to act like one so u wouldnt freak out
~Connor~: HA HA! I caught you in another logic trap! Doctor Hystorysmysteries told me HIMSELF that it was a birth defect. Proof positive that you aren't a real doctor.
Udreamofjeanie: i just told u that
~Connor~: You're a darned liar. Why should I believe anything you say? I bet you ARE a real doctor.
Udreamofjeanie: lol your family is messed up
~Connor~: WE'RE NOT THE ONES PRETENDING WE'RE NOT DOCTORS!
Udreamofjeanie: im not a doctor!
~Connor~: We'll see about that! I'll run a trace on your Internet and see if it's a doctor's computer you're using. ~Connor~: Trace running… (Udreamofjeanie has disconnected)
~Connor~: Trace running… ~Connor~: Trace completed. You ARE a doctor! I knew it!