joy
I want to share the joy that has found me. I'd like the secret to reach the masses, and yet, it is hard work, regulating your mind. Thinking only in positive ways. Do we each have a destiny? Could I meditate for months only to discover that my lack of suffering is unable to be shared? I fear that my family hates me, and around them I sneak, afraid my joy will distress them. And then, I find, my joy brings them peace. They all, smiles on their faces, keep telling me I look so young and happy. They want the joy that I have, but I do not feel it is my destiny to be a spiritual leader. That is not my destiny. And so, I wonder, what is my destiny? To be famous? To lead? And whom would I lead, where? If we do not truly know what we want, we are ducks sitting in water, waiting to be shot, are we not? Assuming money was not an issue, what would I do? Write, paint, sit alone with you? Will I sink my teeth into a character so deep that I unable to come up to breathe? What do I truly want, a life alone, or a life with you? Will all this bs be sorted out when I'm not sick anymore? I hope so.