I cant wait for fall to be here...
I love the summer but Im done, and not because its been to hot, or I have had my fill of summertime stuff but I love the fall. The last few mornings have been a tease, its been sunny and cool and there is a bit of a brisk breeze and its just so refreshing. It always puts a lil pep in my step haha!
I am fairly exhausted, the freakin Olyimpics need to be over already I can not sustain this level of function on such a lack of sleep. But I cant help it I just stay glued to the TV until I see the events finish for the night, and then if I missed something they are always replaying it after the main airings for the day play. So if anyone of you happen to come across me and I look like shit its the IOC/NBC's fault.
This coffee is a beautiful thing this morning though, not to mention the fact that its actually quiet in the office so far, I mean I know its only 8:34am but still. I hate when the phone rings at 8:06, or people show up and want me to be coherant enough to fill out and complete legal documents and lease forms...REALLY people eat me!
I feel like I should post here so much more then I do to, I am on here everyday...I dont think my life is interesting enough to bore you all with the detail haha! No thats not it, Im just to lazy I think...plus my thoughts are often unorganized. That being said Ill be 30 in 6 days. I freaking a bit, and not because Im going to be 30 but because Im not a fan of birthdays in general. Its just a reminder to me that I once had ambition and plans and that yet another year has passed without me being able to accomplish them. Dont get me wrong Im not giving up, I will do these things. I just feel like its a cycle or insanity at times. You need money to go to school, cant make more money with out going to school, you need a job with a sch thats able to accomodate a work sch, you cant get a job making the money you make(which is good money for the lack of college education)with going back to school and you have to make at least what you make to survive.
Someday I will hit the lottery and be able to go to Paris and go to Culinary School, screw NYC haha! And I wont have to worry about paying my bills and tuition and surviving all at the same time. See and then I say this shit outloud and I feel like one of those fckn whiney people I hate, the ones who just complain and never do anything about the situation. I have tried, Im trying and I just cant quiet figure it all out in a managable way. I guess thats the key for me, I can function when things are not managable. I work best with a plan, and I know things dont always go according to plan...believe me so I know that. But I need to know that I am going to be able to make ends met, still work without it being a sch issue and go to school. I guess my fear it truely that I will start this yet again and if I cant make it work I will be just beyond destroyed. I dont crack easily, it takes alot for me to be shaken but see this is different these are my personal dreams and goals. It matters to no one else but me what happens...usually the things Im doing involve taking care of others. Im no good at the taking care of self thing, Im better then I used to be but still not really where I would like to be...obviously.
The other things is I sort of wanted to be able to throw myself a bit of a bash this year, everyone keeps saying this is a big milestone. I wanted family and friends..all of them around me. And I can not afford to do that now and honestly neither can anyone else I know.
Christ I need to stop whining I hate people who whine haha...argh
On an unrelated topic, work is nuts right now! My boss was "promoted" which is crazy in and of itself but its okay with me because he will be out of here sooner rather then later. There was drama that enused from the time he revealed his news. I was basically passed over in terms of being able to apply for the position, I was told it was already filled...which pissed me off. Turns out that has fallen through, but since that time I have had a meeting with both my boss and his immediate boss. It seems that point in that meeting was speak to me about all the things I am not doing and how that needs to be corrected before they bring someone new in. I was not only blindsided but seriously fckn angry. And she could tell how taken aback I was, I turned to my boss and was like well why arent I doing said things. To which he was forced to man up and say " well you know me I dont like to let go of things and I really havent given her these things to do, or taken the time to show her how"! Really you brought me into this meeting knowing what was going to happen and just sat there while I got the third degree and thought I wasnt going to throw your ass under the bus. I think not my friend, I have backed your plays for years so you didnt look like as asshole. All the while your giving people the impression that Im not doing my job, or pulling my weight or Im just slacker....screw you! Needless to say when that brief meeting was over I privately told him boss I needed to speak to her without him present. And that is what happened on Monday evening. We talked for nearly 2 hours, I layed it all on the line. I told her everything the good the bad and fckn ugly...the long and the short of it is he hasnt been doing his job for a long time now. There are so many things up in the air, projects started and not completed, issues that go unresolved esp. with customers because he refuses to get involved and retrun phone calls and so on. He is the procrastinator extrodinaire! She was seriously floored by what I had to say. I also told her that I wasnt without blame, I have become complacent in the whole thing. Its hard to get thigns done, or to attempt do things when you have no support or help. But that I never wanted to make him look bad( we are/or were friends outside of this place for a long time). I also told her I was hesitant about having the conversation even though I knew it needed to happen because I dont like feeling like a rat, but the thing is in order for me to be preparred for this transition there are apparently alot of things I still need to know and be brought up tp date on. I dont enoj playing catch up or feeling like a fish out of water. I guess I had more pent up annoyance about this situation then I realized before I stared typing huh? sorry for the rant!
And then there is my dear April, the woman who despite mine and everyone else better judgement I still am in contact with. Its not as dramatic as that made it sound. I mean we have always been incontact that hasnt changed but lately things has gotten more intense then they have been. And by intense I mean we are sort of headed back to the the I love you, I miss you, I need to see you and I want to touch you and so on so forth. And she started it, she was like I think I need to see you again. I want to just be near you for a little while to see your face and hear you laugh and not over the phone. I know enough to know that this isnt going to change anything, so I take it for what its worth. I do enjoy it while its happening though, although Im very happy with myself because Im not looking for her to call me all the time. Im not waiting on her for anything so I feel better about this right now then I have in the past.
I think as a birthday present to myself Im going to come out....I mean I need to I want to but I cant be afraid of this anymore. My friends all know, I just NEED to tell my mother. We are so close and always have been and I feel like Im lying to her by not telling her the truth. I dont want to hide things anymore, like when Im going out I want to just say yea Im going to the L bar tonight or to circut or georges. Not oh yea Im going to the bar with so and so. I always feel like Im holding back and its just to tiring anymore.
Okay this was so random and all over but I guess I needed to just get it out of my head :)
Thank you for indulging me and my bullshit!
I am fairly exhausted, the freakin Olyimpics need to be over already I can not sustain this level of function on such a lack of sleep. But I cant help it I just stay glued to the TV until I see the events finish for the night, and then if I missed something they are always replaying it after the main airings for the day play. So if anyone of you happen to come across me and I look like shit its the IOC/NBC's fault.
This coffee is a beautiful thing this morning though, not to mention the fact that its actually quiet in the office so far, I mean I know its only 8:34am but still. I hate when the phone rings at 8:06, or people show up and want me to be coherant enough to fill out and complete legal documents and lease forms...REALLY people eat me!
I feel like I should post here so much more then I do to, I am on here everyday...I dont think my life is interesting enough to bore you all with the detail haha! No thats not it, Im just to lazy I think...plus my thoughts are often unorganized. That being said Ill be 30 in 6 days. I freaking a bit, and not because Im going to be 30 but because Im not a fan of birthdays in general. Its just a reminder to me that I once had ambition and plans and that yet another year has passed without me being able to accomplish them. Dont get me wrong Im not giving up, I will do these things. I just feel like its a cycle or insanity at times. You need money to go to school, cant make more money with out going to school, you need a job with a sch thats able to accomodate a work sch, you cant get a job making the money you make(which is good money for the lack of college education)with going back to school and you have to make at least what you make to survive.
Someday I will hit the lottery and be able to go to Paris and go to Culinary School, screw NYC haha! And I wont have to worry about paying my bills and tuition and surviving all at the same time. See and then I say this shit outloud and I feel like one of those fckn whiney people I hate, the ones who just complain and never do anything about the situation. I have tried, Im trying and I just cant quiet figure it all out in a managable way. I guess thats the key for me, I can function when things are not managable. I work best with a plan, and I know things dont always go according to plan...believe me so I know that. But I need to know that I am going to be able to make ends met, still work without it being a sch issue and go to school. I guess my fear it truely that I will start this yet again and if I cant make it work I will be just beyond destroyed. I dont crack easily, it takes alot for me to be shaken but see this is different these are my personal dreams and goals. It matters to no one else but me what happens...usually the things Im doing involve taking care of others. Im no good at the taking care of self thing, Im better then I used to be but still not really where I would like to be...obviously.
The other things is I sort of wanted to be able to throw myself a bit of a bash this year, everyone keeps saying this is a big milestone. I wanted family and friends..all of them around me. And I can not afford to do that now and honestly neither can anyone else I know.
Christ I need to stop whining I hate people who whine haha...argh
On an unrelated topic, work is nuts right now! My boss was "promoted" which is crazy in and of itself but its okay with me because he will be out of here sooner rather then later. There was drama that enused from the time he revealed his news. I was basically passed over in terms of being able to apply for the position, I was told it was already filled...which pissed me off. Turns out that has fallen through, but since that time I have had a meeting with both my boss and his immediate boss. It seems that point in that meeting was speak to me about all the things I am not doing and how that needs to be corrected before they bring someone new in. I was not only blindsided but seriously fckn angry. And she could tell how taken aback I was, I turned to my boss and was like well why arent I doing said things. To which he was forced to man up and say " well you know me I dont like to let go of things and I really havent given her these things to do, or taken the time to show her how"! Really you brought me into this meeting knowing what was going to happen and just sat there while I got the third degree and thought I wasnt going to throw your ass under the bus. I think not my friend, I have backed your plays for years so you didnt look like as asshole. All the while your giving people the impression that Im not doing my job, or pulling my weight or Im just slacker....screw you! Needless to say when that brief meeting was over I privately told him boss I needed to speak to her without him present. And that is what happened on Monday evening. We talked for nearly 2 hours, I layed it all on the line. I told her everything the good the bad and fckn ugly...the long and the short of it is he hasnt been doing his job for a long time now. There are so many things up in the air, projects started and not completed, issues that go unresolved esp. with customers because he refuses to get involved and retrun phone calls and so on. He is the procrastinator extrodinaire! She was seriously floored by what I had to say. I also told her that I wasnt without blame, I have become complacent in the whole thing. Its hard to get thigns done, or to attempt do things when you have no support or help. But that I never wanted to make him look bad( we are/or were friends outside of this place for a long time). I also told her I was hesitant about having the conversation even though I knew it needed to happen because I dont like feeling like a rat, but the thing is in order for me to be preparred for this transition there are apparently alot of things I still need to know and be brought up tp date on. I dont enoj playing catch up or feeling like a fish out of water. I guess I had more pent up annoyance about this situation then I realized before I stared typing huh? sorry for the rant!
And then there is my dear April, the woman who despite mine and everyone else better judgement I still am in contact with. Its not as dramatic as that made it sound. I mean we have always been incontact that hasnt changed but lately things has gotten more intense then they have been. And by intense I mean we are sort of headed back to the the I love you, I miss you, I need to see you and I want to touch you and so on so forth. And she started it, she was like I think I need to see you again. I want to just be near you for a little while to see your face and hear you laugh and not over the phone. I know enough to know that this isnt going to change anything, so I take it for what its worth. I do enjoy it while its happening though, although Im very happy with myself because Im not looking for her to call me all the time. Im not waiting on her for anything so I feel better about this right now then I have in the past.
I think as a birthday present to myself Im going to come out....I mean I need to I want to but I cant be afraid of this anymore. My friends all know, I just NEED to tell my mother. We are so close and always have been and I feel like Im lying to her by not telling her the truth. I dont want to hide things anymore, like when Im going out I want to just say yea Im going to the L bar tonight or to circut or georges. Not oh yea Im going to the bar with so and so. I always feel like Im holding back and its just to tiring anymore.
Okay this was so random and all over but I guess I needed to just get it out of my head :)
Thank you for indulging me and my bullshit!