Hope
I feel like an imposter. I feel exactly like the Pauper of the Prince and the Pauper. I'm in a palace, and I'm pretending to be something I'm not. I'm not royalty, who am I kidding?? And here I stand, invited into the presence of the King and afraid that he'll see me for what I really am, a prostitute, and his eyes will darken with a sense of betrayal, saying with one look, "You're not who I thought you were." And that's so irrational because He's GOD, and He knows everything about me, but I can't escape this haunting shame. I feel so ashamed. I can't grasp grace. I've confessed my sins over and over, but I feel like they're piling up even as I speak. I'm so unfaithful, and untrusting and I think that's my greatest sin, I don't trust that He has it all under control and that it's GOOD. I know he's braking me, but I feel unable to yeild. And I know I'm just going to snap in two. I can't be a good Christian. I totally suck and I'm totally void of trust. And yet I know I suck and that God knows that, and I know that if I but trust that He's good and He's right and He's in control, I could just let go and let Him take me over, but I'm so selfish and so scared and I feel like I'm not even saved. --And yet there's a peace standing in the background just waiting for me to own it...
grr.
grr.