Get out of here with that (stomp, stomp, stomp) before I call the cops!

Jul 05, 2008 15:39

I found a CD that Tony made for me a while back. I thought it was gone for good because that's what usually happens when I lose a CD. I was thinking about how I would like to have the song "The Thing" by Phil Harris when, lo and behold, Tony's Mix just randomly appeared in my bedroom. Oh! And the 84th Division band played it at the 4th of July festivities yesterday! Peggy and I were very excited!

Everything went swimingly yesterday. The Arts Institute kids had run of the family stage down town and, as usually, the schedule was thrown out the window before we even started. But it went well and for each performance the kids had a nice little crowd. The only downer was the sun. With the aid of SPF 60 sunblock reapplied throughout the day I have a generous sunburn in a stunning farmer fashion on my arms, chest and face. Today has been filled with limited movement and lidocaine patches. Tomorrow should be much better.

Having lots of time to think today, I've reached some new conclusions about... well, everything. I realized that I still care, very deeply. I care so much that I've been in a continual state of hurt since January, at the least. When T started to get distant. I'm not hurt because of the breakup, I can deal with that. The hurt stems from being shunted out of someone's life so completely. Before the breakup, before the moving out, before the harsh words... I was pushed out and never given a reason why. That's where the hurt comes from.

I don't want to stop caring, not in the least. For now, at least, I am ok to care from a distance. The reason being, I don't want to set myself up for more hurt because I can't stop the hope that blossoms every time I start a conversation and it's received well. Some day I will get past that, but right now it's just overwhelming.

I told Anna the other day that I have no problems with figuring out my emotions and that I'm very emotional (in the sense that I feel things very passionately), but the problem comes with me not being able to express (adequately or sometimes all together) my emotions to the people that need/have a right to know. Something I really have to work on. Baby steps, I'm starting one person at a time. I don't mind learning about my negative personality traits. Well, that's not true. No one likes to hear or realize that they're not perfect. I like the realizations because it gives me a chance to fix things and make myself better.

A big decision, made unconsciously, was to make sure the battles I'm picking to fight are the ones that involve people that stick with me through good and bad. It was a bit of a shock to realize how many people really care about me and put forth the effort to make sure I know it. It means more to me than I could ever express in words, but I'm going to do my best to make sure they all know I feel the same way about them. And that they are amazingly important to me.

Oh, and lately I wish I were psychic... The kind that you could turn on and off, so you only knew what people were thinking when you wanted to.
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