This Time Imperfect [John Character Study]
This Time Imperfect
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. X-Men belong to Marvel and Stan Lee. The lyrics belong to the gorgeous Davey Havok and AFI.
AN: Little thing that just sort of clicked.
Summary: Even the strangest of scenes hold normalcy.
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This Time Imperfect
I cannot leave here, I cannot stay.
He really wasn’t sure how he’d managed to get back to the Xavier Institute. He knew it had something to do with Alcatraz, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe one of them had felt sorry for him and took him back. All he could remember from the battle had been the carnage, feeling like he didn’t belong in it all, but Magneto had needed him and that was why he was there.
They told him that he’d been involved in a fight with Bobby, that was why his wrists had been iced over, almost straight through to the bone. He’d lost two fingers on his left had and half of one on his right. Bobby had completely frozen the blood. It didn’t matter much to John. He wasn’t bothered. Pyro was livid.
Forever haunted more than afraid.
He knew he’d never forget what had happened. Jean Grey had killed the Professor, everyone knew that, but she’d also killed Mr Summers, and a lot of others. Mutants and soldiers. John was told about the whole fight, Kitty had sat there and talked, almost non-stop while he had been recovering from the shock and frostbite. John hadn’t spoken a word.
All he could hear in his head was screams, or Mystique, calling out to Magneto - using his human name - Magneto’s cruel dismissal. John hadn’t wanted to leave Raven there, nude and defenceless; Magneto didn’t know that John had left his jacket behind for Raven to cover herself with. Now Eric was like her, stripped of his powers, frail and old and just like all the others. Were they together again? Had they just decided to live normal lives like they would’ve if they’d never been mutants?
Asphyxiate on words I would say.
Sometimes he wanted to ask about them. If anyone knew where they both were. If Magneto was even still alive? If the government hadn’t just killed Raven or locked her away? Sometimes the questions festered inside him, eating at him and chewing at any sense of belonging he ever felt he had with the Brotherhood. Magneto had looked at him as more than a child, as a powerful young mutant, someone who had power and could be taught how to use that power. Mystique had trained him in hand to hand, told him stories about Eric, about Charles, and about herself. He’d been fascinated by her, and she’d put up with him. At least he thought she had.
He wanted to talk to someone, to be able to get what he was feeling out. But he didn’t have anyone. He wouldn’t talk to Bobby. Bobby wouldn’t listen. He couldn’t even look at Marie. Seeing her, touching people, smiling and laughing. She gave up her power, turned herself into one of them, willingly. She gave it up while Raven had it ripped from her body, her beautiful, scaled, blue body.
I’m drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
But he doesn’t talk anymore. Not to anyone. He hasn’t uttered a word since he woke up, looking around confused, wondering where he was, what sort of lab they had him in, if he was still him.
They hadn’t told him much. Said he’d been taken from the island before Dr Grey had killed everyone and destroyed everything. That he’d been unconscious for a week, that he’d lost three fingers to frostbite. Not once had he replied. He hadn’t even yelled at Kitty when she didn’t stop talking. He didn’t have the fight in him anymore.
Magneto had been stopped. That was probably for the best. The little boy hadn’t done anything wrong; he’d just been a kid, someone the homo-sapiens had used. A mutant like them who just happened to have that power. It wasn’t anymore his fault than it was Mystique’s for being blue. But Magneto wouldn’t have listened, he saw the child as a threat, as the same as all the others. John felt sorry for the little brat.
There are no flowers no not this time,
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines,
Possibly the worst was that he didn’t know what happened. He didn’t know how many of the Brotherhood were dead, how many were human now, how many were still out there. He knew of a few who were now ‘normal’, he knew Juggernaut was dead, he knew that Magneto had walked away, that Callisto was dead. But how many were there still out there? How many were still waiting for Magneto to come back to them? How many were getting on with their lives around the damage?
There was a quiet knock on his door but he didn’t move. Miss Monroe had told him to stay in one of the guest rooms, at least until he was ready to leave. John had wanted to leave when he woke up, but they said he had to heal first. It was remarkable how much damage he didn’t know he had got, it was also remarkable how much his power had saved him. He’d have lost both arms if it weren’t for his mutation countering Iceman’s.
Just these stark words I find.
“John,” it was Marie this time, she never called him Pyro, always John, it had irritated him before, now it made no difference. “There’s someone here to see you.” She was usually quiet standing there, not raising her voice, not yelling or calling him the traitor that the others would call him. He’d heard the whispers, everyone asking why he was there when he’d deserted them. He had wondered the same thing a number of times. “Please, come downstairs?”
He decided to humour her this time and turned to follow her downstairs, his face expressionless.
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
Downstairs, the Professors were waiting in the sitting room, Logan leaning against the wall while Mr McCoy, Miss Monroe and Wagner were sitting down, his visitor sitting with their back towards the door. Marie walked in, heading straight to the window where Bobby and Kitty stood, Peter in the corner.
John wondered what was so brilliant that had the entire X-Men team in the same room. Miss Monroe stood, as did his guest, a dark haired woman in a skirt suit. For a moment he felt a chill of fear, thinking this was his mother, only tidied up in a remarkable way. Until she turned around.
I cannot stay here I cannot leave
Just like all I loved I’m make believe.
The last time he’d seen her, she’d been on the floor, a look of betrayal and hurt on her face, something that he could do nothing for and did nothing against. Sometimes his chest hurt thinking about how he’d just walked away with Magneto and left her. But he’d killed the idiot who did it to her, making him feel remotely better, but it didn’t help her.
“Hello Pyro.” There was a tiny smile on her face, not the smirk she always wore as Mystique, but a genuine beautiful smile. And he knew that Eric was wrong. She was still very beautiful, blue skin and scales or not, she was still the most breathtakingly gorgeous woman that John had ever seen.
He’d smiled back, only a ghost of a smile, but a smile no less. Raven moved to stand in front of him and he’d just forgotten anything but what was there. John moved forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, silently rejoicing when she instantly held him back, knowing that she’d forgiven him for walking away. She was a mother and a friend in one. She had been his tutor in literature and in the world; she’d been his big lesson, his education. But she’d also been someone he could talk to, someone who listened.
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems no one will appear here and make me real.
“I missed you too, Pyro.” She didn’t seem bitter, so he didn’t think to hard on her name calling. She was another one who called him John, or Johnny when she was being affectionate. “You don’t look so good Fire-Starter. Aren’t they feeding you here?”
“Not hungry.” His voice was hoarse from misuse. It was the first time in nearly three weeks that he’d talked, all he did was mumble or sigh, no words were ever formed. But that could change, because Raven was here and she didn’t hate him. “What’re you doing here?”
“Giving you a choice.” She said, pulling back and leading him to the sofa, sitting down and pulling him with her. “I’ve spoken with…the X-Men and it’s clear you’re not happy here. So, you can stay and be miserable, or come with me.”
“Where are we going?” He asked instantly, thinking on how much stuff he still had there from before, if he’d be able to pack it this time, if he could find his other lighters or if Bobby had just thrown them out.
“I’m going to Maryland. I have a house there. You’d be welcome.” Raven said, another smile on her pretty face. She really was perfect, flawless skin, beautiful eyes - although John would miss the yellow - and her hair, it was grown out longer than when she’d changed, but it was still the same colour and style, framing her delicate jawbones wonderfully.
There are no flowers no not this time
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines,
It was a chance to have a home, a proper home. Although he’d probably have been able to have found that in the Institute given time, no one but Dr Grey had ever given him a chance, and that was only because he’d projected his thoughts every now and then, Dr Grey picking them up and reaching out. Now Raven was doing the same, wasn’t she? She was being his protector, his guardian from the world.
“When do we leave?” John asked, not sparing a glance at anyone else.
“Don’t you want to think about it?” Miss Monroe said, leaning forward to move a little closer.
“There’s nothing to think about. I want to go with Mystique.” He’d used her proper name out of habit, calling her by what she’d always asked him to call her, what she preferred to be referred as, due to what her parents had done to her after her skin had changed.
Just these stark words I find
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
They all looked at him, every single one of them, staring at him like he’d lost his mind. Why didn’t they just let him leave with her? It was what he wanted, he wanted to go with Raven, at least with her he felt like he belonged somewhere, like someone cared. Being here, it was just too different, you weren’t being taught how to use your powers, everyone got the same lessons, unless you were a particularly hard case, like Rogue.
“C’mon John, I’ll show you where I put your things.” Marie said, stepping forward and moving out. John nodded, glancing and a smiling Raven, it wasn’t a smug smile, it was a proud one. John smiled back before following Marie out again, letting her led him to his stuff. “Bobby wanted to throw it out, but, I just…I didn’t think it was right.”
“Why not?” He’d started talking again, there was no reason to clamp up suddenly, not when he was leaving with Raven today. From somewhere inside him the fire started up again, that spark relit. He was going back to live with Raven.
“Cause you were still part of our lives, it’s not right to just cut all the ties and try to forget you. Besides, I have part of your memories, remember? It was hard not to feel for you.” Marie answered, opening one of the doors to one of the unused dorms. John stopped, remembering the day she had touched him, remembering the feeling.
I’d tell you how much it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
“John,” it wasn’t so much that she had touched him, she had only grabbed his ankle for that short amount of time she needed to douse out his flames, something she did with the help of Bobby’s powers, something he could feel. It was more that, in those few hours they were going to Bobby’s house and the time they spent in Bobby’s house, all of John’s childhood had been running through his mind. Meaning those were the memories she’d get.
“What do you know?” He asked, in a voice that he was sure wasn’t his, so quiet and scared.
You don’t care that it haunts me
“Your mom and dad, your sister, school, the house you burned down, the…the beatings, the drugs. The loneliness, I felt it all like it was me and I just…I’m sorry we never tried to help you or get to know you better.” Marie stood in front of him, honesty in her eyes, honesty was always in her eyes. “But we had good times John, and I miss them.”
He missed them too.
There are no flowers, no not this time
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines
Instead of saying anything, John walked into the room, looking at the neat bed and empty desk. On the floor there were an assortment of boxes, Marie had even written what they were. His clothes were in one box, his books, his CD’s, she even had a small box labelled ‘lighters’ in her neat little scrawl. John almost laughed, before he remembered that he didn’t have his favourite anymore.
He picked up the box and opened it, looking through the assortment he’d gathered over the years. He liked his lighters, but he liked his shark teeth zippo better. All the others were just simple refillable lighters, some were silver with little pictures on the side, one was red with flames dancing inside when you lit it. But it wasn’t the same.
“You lost the shark?” Marie asked. She knew what it meant to him. It wasn’t just a lighter, Rogue and Bobby had got him it for his birthday two years ago. He knew Rogue had picked it out and that’s why it was special. Because it was the first time anyone had actually thought about what he would like, what would be perfect for him.
Just these stark words I find.
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak,
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
Marie opened a drawer on the desk, picking out another small box, a black one. She placed it beside John on the bed, smiling shyly. “I got it, just before…just before Stryker attacked and we had to leave. I was going to give you it on your birthday.” When Stryker attacked it had been only three weeks till John’s 18th. He’d celebrated with Magneto and Mystique, he smiled thinking about that.
He took the box, opening it carefully with nimble fingers. And his breath almost caught.
As always, Marie really knew what to buy a person. Just like that last one she bought for him, there was a silver zippo lying on the black velvet cushion in the box, there was a different symbol on this one, a bird, looking like it was on fire.
“You remember when you used to make them, out back when he had no class. Bobby and I would just sit there and watch you make them chase each other.” Marie said, sitting down beside him on the bed. “It would be nice if we could go back to that, go back to what it was like before.”
Just how much this hurts me,
John looked at the lighter, it was Marie’s way of showing she still cared, she could’ve taken it back, she could’ve thrown it away, but instead she kept it to give to him later, somehow knowing she’d get the chance.
But his gaze was drawn to his hands, where his fingers were bluish and the ones that couldn’t be saved were bandaged after the operation to remove the dead tissue. Things would never be the same, simply because Bobby would never forgive him. The day John left with Magneto, the day he left Marie and Bobby on the X-Jet was the day that he trampled over Bobby’s belief of good and evil. Because John wanted to understand his powers, to gain a control over them that Xavier could never help him achieve, John went to Magneto, and thus became a bad guy in Bobby’s eyes. And that would never change.
“Marie, I…” He was never good with words, he never had been. Sometimes that suited him, others, like now, he was frustrated to no end.
“It’s okay. I know. Bobby’s changed and so have I. I guess you have too.” She leaned against his shoulder a little, he didn’t pull away or flinch like others would, even if she didn’t have her powers anymore. “I guess, Bobby and I weren’t really what I thought we would be, not without you there.”
She looked at him, noting everything in her memory. His hazel eyes, tussled hair, the blond slowly growing out. Marie reached out, her fingers threading in his hair, a small smile on her face. “I like the blond.” She admitted, he just shrugged. In truth it had been a whim, something he’d done to try and get rid of the images he could still picture. The three of them at the Mansion, thinking about his days when they were a unit, before Bobby and Marie really got serious about the dating, and he’d been left in the dust as Bobby kept Marie to himself. But she had still tried to go out of her way to involve him in things, like going shopping, or field trips, or watching movies at night. Sometimes he’d felt like Marie’s security blanket, like he was just there so that Bobby wouldn’t get too close. Other times he felt like she genuinely wanted him there. And at the start, it’d been hard to let go of that and stay with Magneto. But in time, it became easier.
“Sometimes, I’d miss you more than Bobby.” He admitted, looking at the lighter in his hands and knowing for a fact that Bobby didn’t know anything about it and had no part in buying it. Marie was the one who knew about sentiment and things like that.
“I think I miss you more than Bobby too.” She said, a small smile on her face. John was more than aware that she knew, she had to know. If she didn’t know that she was very good at suppressing the things she’d absorbed from him, because there was no way that wasn’t in there. The tiny dance in her eyes told him that yes she did know, and that she didn’t care.
John shrugged a little before pressing a soft kiss to her lips, enjoying the warmth that passed between them. He didn’t feel the tug of her powers, he didn’t worry about not waking up from this one kiss. He just enjoyed it, as her fingers threaded through his hair and his hand gently ran across her cheek. It was the first time he’d really touched her, and maybe her decision to take the cure wasn’t really that bad a thing. But it was a lot to give up.
“I wish you didn’t need to go.” Marie whispered as they slowly parted and John nodded a little.
“But we both know that I can’t stay here. I just…I can’t Marie.” He said, although he wished some things had turned out different, coming to this with Marie was something he didn’t wish would change. “Thanks for my present.” He said with a smile, pocketing the lighter and leaving the others in their box.
“I’ll get a suitcase for you.”
When John stood before them, Raven ready to leave, standing beside the door of her blue Audi, he said the goodbye he didn’t say the last time.
Marie had shocked everyone, even Raven when she’d hugged him, giving him a piece of paper with her number and email address, expecting him to call and secretly knowing he would. Kitty and Peter just waved, and Bobby didn’t move.
“Miss Monroe,” John turned just before opening Raven’s car door, “thank you. For everything.” There was a smile on the weather goddess’ face and she nodded once, letting him know that she understood. Marie stood there waving as the car pulled out of the drive, and John waved back, holding up his right hand and waving, ignoring the half of his missing index finger.
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Just how much you…
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Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. X-Men belong to Marvel and Stan Lee. The lyrics belong to the gorgeous Davey Havok and AFI.
AN: Little thing that just sort of clicked.
Summary: Even the strangest of scenes hold normalcy.
---
This Time Imperfect
I cannot leave here, I cannot stay.
He really wasn’t sure how he’d managed to get back to the Xavier Institute. He knew it had something to do with Alcatraz, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe one of them had felt sorry for him and took him back. All he could remember from the battle had been the carnage, feeling like he didn’t belong in it all, but Magneto had needed him and that was why he was there.
They told him that he’d been involved in a fight with Bobby, that was why his wrists had been iced over, almost straight through to the bone. He’d lost two fingers on his left had and half of one on his right. Bobby had completely frozen the blood. It didn’t matter much to John. He wasn’t bothered. Pyro was livid.
Forever haunted more than afraid.
He knew he’d never forget what had happened. Jean Grey had killed the Professor, everyone knew that, but she’d also killed Mr Summers, and a lot of others. Mutants and soldiers. John was told about the whole fight, Kitty had sat there and talked, almost non-stop while he had been recovering from the shock and frostbite. John hadn’t spoken a word.
All he could hear in his head was screams, or Mystique, calling out to Magneto - using his human name - Magneto’s cruel dismissal. John hadn’t wanted to leave Raven there, nude and defenceless; Magneto didn’t know that John had left his jacket behind for Raven to cover herself with. Now Eric was like her, stripped of his powers, frail and old and just like all the others. Were they together again? Had they just decided to live normal lives like they would’ve if they’d never been mutants?
Asphyxiate on words I would say.
Sometimes he wanted to ask about them. If anyone knew where they both were. If Magneto was even still alive? If the government hadn’t just killed Raven or locked her away? Sometimes the questions festered inside him, eating at him and chewing at any sense of belonging he ever felt he had with the Brotherhood. Magneto had looked at him as more than a child, as a powerful young mutant, someone who had power and could be taught how to use that power. Mystique had trained him in hand to hand, told him stories about Eric, about Charles, and about herself. He’d been fascinated by her, and she’d put up with him. At least he thought she had.
He wanted to talk to someone, to be able to get what he was feeling out. But he didn’t have anyone. He wouldn’t talk to Bobby. Bobby wouldn’t listen. He couldn’t even look at Marie. Seeing her, touching people, smiling and laughing. She gave up her power, turned herself into one of them, willingly. She gave it up while Raven had it ripped from her body, her beautiful, scaled, blue body.
I’m drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.
But he doesn’t talk anymore. Not to anyone. He hasn’t uttered a word since he woke up, looking around confused, wondering where he was, what sort of lab they had him in, if he was still him.
They hadn’t told him much. Said he’d been taken from the island before Dr Grey had killed everyone and destroyed everything. That he’d been unconscious for a week, that he’d lost three fingers to frostbite. Not once had he replied. He hadn’t even yelled at Kitty when she didn’t stop talking. He didn’t have the fight in him anymore.
Magneto had been stopped. That was probably for the best. The little boy hadn’t done anything wrong; he’d just been a kid, someone the homo-sapiens had used. A mutant like them who just happened to have that power. It wasn’t anymore his fault than it was Mystique’s for being blue. But Magneto wouldn’t have listened, he saw the child as a threat, as the same as all the others. John felt sorry for the little brat.
There are no flowers no not this time,
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines,
Possibly the worst was that he didn’t know what happened. He didn’t know how many of the Brotherhood were dead, how many were human now, how many were still out there. He knew of a few who were now ‘normal’, he knew Juggernaut was dead, he knew that Magneto had walked away, that Callisto was dead. But how many were there still out there? How many were still waiting for Magneto to come back to them? How many were getting on with their lives around the damage?
There was a quiet knock on his door but he didn’t move. Miss Monroe had told him to stay in one of the guest rooms, at least until he was ready to leave. John had wanted to leave when he woke up, but they said he had to heal first. It was remarkable how much damage he didn’t know he had got, it was also remarkable how much his power had saved him. He’d have lost both arms if it weren’t for his mutation countering Iceman’s.
Just these stark words I find.
“John,” it was Marie this time, she never called him Pyro, always John, it had irritated him before, now it made no difference. “There’s someone here to see you.” She was usually quiet standing there, not raising her voice, not yelling or calling him the traitor that the others would call him. He’d heard the whispers, everyone asking why he was there when he’d deserted them. He had wondered the same thing a number of times. “Please, come downstairs?”
He decided to humour her this time and turned to follow her downstairs, his face expressionless.
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
Downstairs, the Professors were waiting in the sitting room, Logan leaning against the wall while Mr McCoy, Miss Monroe and Wagner were sitting down, his visitor sitting with their back towards the door. Marie walked in, heading straight to the window where Bobby and Kitty stood, Peter in the corner.
John wondered what was so brilliant that had the entire X-Men team in the same room. Miss Monroe stood, as did his guest, a dark haired woman in a skirt suit. For a moment he felt a chill of fear, thinking this was his mother, only tidied up in a remarkable way. Until she turned around.
I cannot stay here I cannot leave
Just like all I loved I’m make believe.
The last time he’d seen her, she’d been on the floor, a look of betrayal and hurt on her face, something that he could do nothing for and did nothing against. Sometimes his chest hurt thinking about how he’d just walked away with Magneto and left her. But he’d killed the idiot who did it to her, making him feel remotely better, but it didn’t help her.
“Hello Pyro.” There was a tiny smile on her face, not the smirk she always wore as Mystique, but a genuine beautiful smile. And he knew that Eric was wrong. She was still very beautiful, blue skin and scales or not, she was still the most breathtakingly gorgeous woman that John had ever seen.
He’d smiled back, only a ghost of a smile, but a smile no less. Raven moved to stand in front of him and he’d just forgotten anything but what was there. John moved forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, silently rejoicing when she instantly held him back, knowing that she’d forgiven him for walking away. She was a mother and a friend in one. She had been his tutor in literature and in the world; she’d been his big lesson, his education. But she’d also been someone he could talk to, someone who listened.
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems no one will appear here and make me real.
“I missed you too, Pyro.” She didn’t seem bitter, so he didn’t think to hard on her name calling. She was another one who called him John, or Johnny when she was being affectionate. “You don’t look so good Fire-Starter. Aren’t they feeding you here?”
“Not hungry.” His voice was hoarse from misuse. It was the first time in nearly three weeks that he’d talked, all he did was mumble or sigh, no words were ever formed. But that could change, because Raven was here and she didn’t hate him. “What’re you doing here?”
“Giving you a choice.” She said, pulling back and leading him to the sofa, sitting down and pulling him with her. “I’ve spoken with…the X-Men and it’s clear you’re not happy here. So, you can stay and be miserable, or come with me.”
“Where are we going?” He asked instantly, thinking on how much stuff he still had there from before, if he’d be able to pack it this time, if he could find his other lighters or if Bobby had just thrown them out.
“I’m going to Maryland. I have a house there. You’d be welcome.” Raven said, another smile on her pretty face. She really was perfect, flawless skin, beautiful eyes - although John would miss the yellow - and her hair, it was grown out longer than when she’d changed, but it was still the same colour and style, framing her delicate jawbones wonderfully.
There are no flowers no not this time
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines,
It was a chance to have a home, a proper home. Although he’d probably have been able to have found that in the Institute given time, no one but Dr Grey had ever given him a chance, and that was only because he’d projected his thoughts every now and then, Dr Grey picking them up and reaching out. Now Raven was doing the same, wasn’t she? She was being his protector, his guardian from the world.
“When do we leave?” John asked, not sparing a glance at anyone else.
“Don’t you want to think about it?” Miss Monroe said, leaning forward to move a little closer.
“There’s nothing to think about. I want to go with Mystique.” He’d used her proper name out of habit, calling her by what she’d always asked him to call her, what she preferred to be referred as, due to what her parents had done to her after her skin had changed.
Just these stark words I find
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
They all looked at him, every single one of them, staring at him like he’d lost his mind. Why didn’t they just let him leave with her? It was what he wanted, he wanted to go with Raven, at least with her he felt like he belonged somewhere, like someone cared. Being here, it was just too different, you weren’t being taught how to use your powers, everyone got the same lessons, unless you were a particularly hard case, like Rogue.
“C’mon John, I’ll show you where I put your things.” Marie said, stepping forward and moving out. John nodded, glancing and a smiling Raven, it wasn’t a smug smile, it was a proud one. John smiled back before following Marie out again, letting her led him to his stuff. “Bobby wanted to throw it out, but, I just…I didn’t think it was right.”
“Why not?” He’d started talking again, there was no reason to clamp up suddenly, not when he was leaving with Raven today. From somewhere inside him the fire started up again, that spark relit. He was going back to live with Raven.
“Cause you were still part of our lives, it’s not right to just cut all the ties and try to forget you. Besides, I have part of your memories, remember? It was hard not to feel for you.” Marie answered, opening one of the doors to one of the unused dorms. John stopped, remembering the day she had touched him, remembering the feeling.
I’d tell you how much it haunts me
Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams
“John,” it wasn’t so much that she had touched him, she had only grabbed his ankle for that short amount of time she needed to douse out his flames, something she did with the help of Bobby’s powers, something he could feel. It was more that, in those few hours they were going to Bobby’s house and the time they spent in Bobby’s house, all of John’s childhood had been running through his mind. Meaning those were the memories she’d get.
“What do you know?” He asked, in a voice that he was sure wasn’t his, so quiet and scared.
You don’t care that it haunts me
“Your mom and dad, your sister, school, the house you burned down, the…the beatings, the drugs. The loneliness, I felt it all like it was me and I just…I’m sorry we never tried to help you or get to know you better.” Marie stood in front of him, honesty in her eyes, honesty was always in her eyes. “But we had good times John, and I miss them.”
He missed them too.
There are no flowers, no not this time
There’ll be no angels gracing the lines
Instead of saying anything, John walked into the room, looking at the neat bed and empty desk. On the floor there were an assortment of boxes, Marie had even written what they were. His clothes were in one box, his books, his CD’s, she even had a small box labelled ‘lighters’ in her neat little scrawl. John almost laughed, before he remembered that he didn’t have his favourite anymore.
He picked up the box and opened it, looking through the assortment he’d gathered over the years. He liked his lighters, but he liked his shark teeth zippo better. All the others were just simple refillable lighters, some were silver with little pictures on the side, one was red with flames dancing inside when you lit it. But it wasn’t the same.
“You lost the shark?” Marie asked. She knew what it meant to him. It wasn’t just a lighter, Rogue and Bobby had got him it for his birthday two years ago. He knew Rogue had picked it out and that’s why it was special. Because it was the first time anyone had actually thought about what he would like, what would be perfect for him.
Just these stark words I find.
I’d show a smile but I’m too weak,
I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.
Marie opened a drawer on the desk, picking out another small box, a black one. She placed it beside John on the bed, smiling shyly. “I got it, just before…just before Stryker attacked and we had to leave. I was going to give you it on your birthday.” When Stryker attacked it had been only three weeks till John’s 18th. He’d celebrated with Magneto and Mystique, he smiled thinking about that.
He took the box, opening it carefully with nimble fingers. And his breath almost caught.
As always, Marie really knew what to buy a person. Just like that last one she bought for him, there was a silver zippo lying on the black velvet cushion in the box, there was a different symbol on this one, a bird, looking like it was on fire.
“You remember when you used to make them, out back when he had no class. Bobby and I would just sit there and watch you make them chase each other.” Marie said, sitting down beside him on the bed. “It would be nice if we could go back to that, go back to what it was like before.”
Just how much this hurts me,
John looked at the lighter, it was Marie’s way of showing she still cared, she could’ve taken it back, she could’ve thrown it away, but instead she kept it to give to him later, somehow knowing she’d get the chance.
But his gaze was drawn to his hands, where his fingers were bluish and the ones that couldn’t be saved were bandaged after the operation to remove the dead tissue. Things would never be the same, simply because Bobby would never forgive him. The day John left with Magneto, the day he left Marie and Bobby on the X-Jet was the day that he trampled over Bobby’s belief of good and evil. Because John wanted to understand his powers, to gain a control over them that Xavier could never help him achieve, John went to Magneto, and thus became a bad guy in Bobby’s eyes. And that would never change.
“Marie, I…” He was never good with words, he never had been. Sometimes that suited him, others, like now, he was frustrated to no end.
“It’s okay. I know. Bobby’s changed and so have I. I guess you have too.” She leaned against his shoulder a little, he didn’t pull away or flinch like others would, even if she didn’t have her powers anymore. “I guess, Bobby and I weren’t really what I thought we would be, not without you there.”
She looked at him, noting everything in her memory. His hazel eyes, tussled hair, the blond slowly growing out. Marie reached out, her fingers threading in his hair, a small smile on her face. “I like the blond.” She admitted, he just shrugged. In truth it had been a whim, something he’d done to try and get rid of the images he could still picture. The three of them at the Mansion, thinking about his days when they were a unit, before Bobby and Marie really got serious about the dating, and he’d been left in the dust as Bobby kept Marie to himself. But she had still tried to go out of her way to involve him in things, like going shopping, or field trips, or watching movies at night. Sometimes he’d felt like Marie’s security blanket, like he was just there so that Bobby wouldn’t get too close. Other times he felt like she genuinely wanted him there. And at the start, it’d been hard to let go of that and stay with Magneto. But in time, it became easier.
“Sometimes, I’d miss you more than Bobby.” He admitted, looking at the lighter in his hands and knowing for a fact that Bobby didn’t know anything about it and had no part in buying it. Marie was the one who knew about sentiment and things like that.
“I think I miss you more than Bobby too.” She said, a small smile on her face. John was more than aware that she knew, she had to know. If she didn’t know that she was very good at suppressing the things she’d absorbed from him, because there was no way that wasn’t in there. The tiny dance in her eyes told him that yes she did know, and that she didn’t care.
John shrugged a little before pressing a soft kiss to her lips, enjoying the warmth that passed between them. He didn’t feel the tug of her powers, he didn’t worry about not waking up from this one kiss. He just enjoyed it, as her fingers threaded through his hair and his hand gently ran across her cheek. It was the first time he’d really touched her, and maybe her decision to take the cure wasn’t really that bad a thing. But it was a lot to give up.
“I wish you didn’t need to go.” Marie whispered as they slowly parted and John nodded a little.
“But we both know that I can’t stay here. I just…I can’t Marie.” He said, although he wished some things had turned out different, coming to this with Marie was something he didn’t wish would change. “Thanks for my present.” He said with a smile, pocketing the lighter and leaving the others in their box.
“I’ll get a suitcase for you.”
When John stood before them, Raven ready to leave, standing beside the door of her blue Audi, he said the goodbye he didn’t say the last time.
Marie had shocked everyone, even Raven when she’d hugged him, giving him a piece of paper with her number and email address, expecting him to call and secretly knowing he would. Kitty and Peter just waved, and Bobby didn’t move.
“Miss Monroe,” John turned just before opening Raven’s car door, “thank you. For everything.” There was a smile on the weather goddess’ face and she nodded once, letting him know that she understood. Marie stood there waving as the car pulled out of the drive, and John waved back, holding up his right hand and waving, ignoring the half of his missing index finger.
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Just how much you…
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