Song To Say Goodbye [Dunn/Novak]
Disclaimer: It’s not mine.
AN: I got the Placebo album. Don’t hate me.
Lyrics and title belong to Brian Moloko and the gang, taken from the album ‘Meds’ from the song of the same title. Don’t ya just love pretty boys?
Summary: You are one of God’s mistakes.
Song to Say Goodbye
You are one of God’s mistakes,
You crying tragic waste of skin.
I’m well aware of how it aches,
And you still won’t let me in.
You really do think that you’re the only one who’s suffering through this, don’t you? That no one else understands how much this aches, or how hard it is. You really are self-centred. You think that over coming the drug problem is yours alone, that none of us know what it’s like, that we’ve never been there before. A forming drug problem brought me to West Chester, Bam’s in the middle of fighting a drink problem, Raab’s been there too. You think we don’t know what it’s like?
We all care about you, although sometimes I wonder what the hell for. You’re a wreck and all you seem to do is get worse. That tattoo doesn’t mean crap when you don’t do anything to back it up. All you’ve done is hide it, and not very well. When you stumble home, back to the house - where you don’t pay rent, or bills, or even get asked to do a chore - smelling of cheap booze, whores and your eyes are the size of plates, do you think no one will notice? We’re not the smartest of people, but we’re not stupid either.
You may think that we don’t watch you, that we’re not interested and that we do trust you enough, or that we just don’t care. But it’s complete bullshit. I care, he cares, Ape and Phil care. And you just go and throw it back in our faces. I don’t know who I’m more mad at. You or myself. You for trailing my trust and care through the dirt and leaving it shredded in the ground. Or me for letting you. For giving you the benefit of the doubt over and over again, for just standing by and letting you do this over again.
Now I’m breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don’t like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.
When Bam had enough you moved in with me. Then Bam moved house and I moved in with him, letting you live in my old place, paying for everything. I paid the bills, heating and gas, electric and phones. I picked up the tab for the groceries I had delivered, knowing you would forget and end up starving. I routinely stopped by with clean clothes just in case, I did the laundry while I was there too. I even gave you enough money for you to amuse yourself. Because you didn’t want to be around Bam right then. I had no idea why. At that point I was sleeping with him so I didn’t push either of you.
But you wanted to be away from us, and I trusted you enough to leave you on your own. Yet another of my mistakes.
We did season two of Viva and every weekend I could I came back to visit you, sometimes Bam and Dico came too, April was already calling every few nights to make sure you were still alive. And you seemed to be doing really well most of the time, like you were off the crap you were shooting up, like you were getting back to the skating, like it was all getting better.
I thought you were serious about it all, I thought you were doing really good. Until I stopped by on a Friday night, and found you with god knows who, high and tweaking and I had no idea why. I threw that asshole out on his ass, he shouted something about needing payment but I really wasn’t in the mood. I had tried to talk to you about it. But you were completely gone and had no idea who I even was.
So you, in your drugged out nature, kissed me. And I didn’t do anything. I didn’t push you away, didn’t react, I just stood there, and let you kiss me. I at least had the motor functions to stop you when you tried to go down on me. Throwing you in the bedroom and closing the door behind me. I was so angry, and disgusted and distressed. I didn’t understand how any of us could miss it. I wasn’t sure if this was the first time you’d slipped back into old habits. I didn’t know why, but right then I hated you more than I ever have.
Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those blessed with lucky sevens,
And a voice that made me cry.
My, oh, my.
I only knew you a while before the whole drug habit got seriously out of control, a few nights out here and there, drinking with the guys and hanging out at Bam’s house. But you were laid back and cool, you were in control of your life and knew just what you wanted, you didn’t let anyone put you down and you didn’t take any shit. I never could understand why you ended up hooked on that shit, why you started taking it in the first place completely beats me.
I was young and stupid, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I was nothing like you, so why did you get dragged down while I crawled out? I don’t get it, why you?
You were smart enough to go places with your life, you were determined to make something of yourself. With the charisma and charm you’ve got, much like Bam’s, you could’ve done just about anything. But now people just look at you and see a junkie trying to reform, and failing miserably. I don’t know why I never told Bam about your slip up, but I kept that from them, let them think you were getting better. Bam was so proud of you, so glad that you were getting everything together.
He asked you to move into his house, to get you closer to us, so you could count on us better. He’d just broken up with Jenn again and I suppose he was feeling the effects of not having you around as much as usual. I didn’t say anything on the decision, so you moved into the castle. And you were warned, I told you exactly what Bam didn’t know, and I insisted that Bam never know. If you slipped up again, fine, but not in Bam’s house. Never in Bam’s house.
You’d pulled that lazy smile, telling me to stop worrying. But the smile never reached your eyes like it did before, when you used to joke and tease me, when we were actually friends. And God, I never thought about how much I’d miss that when it was gone.
You were mother nature’s son,
Someone to whom I could relate.
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
There was a time years ago when I’d have pushed you away and punched you if you’d ever come on to me. A time when the rage in me was so bad that I’d probably have floored you if you’d even tried anything. But there was one night that it didn’t matter.
One night when I walked in on you, needle still in your arm and that dazed look on your face. We were in a bathroom in some run down bar, Bam out by the bar with Dico, Raab and Glomb, entertaining the masses with his stupid stories. And there you were, staring at me with that dear in the headlights look, knowing I’d just caught you. But before I could walk out, probably give up all hope of you all together, you’d grabbed me, pushed me against the wall and just like that last time, you kissed me. Hard and wet and sloppy and this time the rage had twisted into something else, I can’t even try to explain it, but I kissed you back. My fingers tangling with your messy hair, digging into your head while you tried to crawl into me, pushing against me so hard I was sure we’d leave a mark on the wall. I fucked you right then and there in that bathroom stall, not caring for the fact that the needle had been pulled out, maybe a little bit too hard, and blood was dripping down your arm, staining both my shirt and yours.
It was the start of the most hateful and twisted relationship I’ve ever had. I hated you for what you did to yourself, for the deceit you were causing, for the pain that would come when you slipped up for the last time and OD’d. But at the same time I could feel myself falling for you in the worst way possible. Your laughter was infectious, that sparkle that reached your eyes sometimes, the smile you had when things were going really well. And just the way we were able to just lie there together at night, nothing to talk about and nothing to trouble me. Because on those nights, I could pretend there was nothing wrong. I could pretend that I didn’t need to worry about you leaving in the middle of the night, going somewhere to get a hit, that you’d disappear that night and I’d find you in some gutter somewhere. I could block it out and imagine nothing was wrong.
Now I’m trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky.
‘Cause if I don’t we’ll both end up,
With just your songs to say goodbye.
You may think that I wanted something different from you, that I was trying to change you. I wasn’t really I wasn’t. I just wanted you back, I wanted the you I first got to know, the one who made dumb jokes with Bam because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to, the you who depended on no one but himself, not the you who needed everyone around him. I wanted you to get back to you. But you didn’t see it that way.
Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t that I wanted to, it was more that I had to. You and I really weren’t meant to be anything, were we? You just didn’t take the time anymore and I just couldn’t handle seeing you do that to yourself anymore. In killing yourself you were killing me, and I didn’t want to let that happen. Maybe you’d figure it out, maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe I was just something else you used for a while before moving back to the one thing you truly were addicted to.
Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those blessed with lucky sevens,
And a voice that made me cry.
It’s a song to say goodbye.
Maybe one day you’ll get yourself fixed up, but I hate to say that I won’t be around for it. I can’t be around for it. Cause I don’t believe in you anymore.
It’s a song to say goodbye.
---
Ever had one of those things that just won’t come? Yeah? Good. That’s what this was.
Took me weeks. *sigh*
Comments are nice - buying the album and letting me know is nicer.
^_^
---
AN: I got the Placebo album. Don’t hate me.
Lyrics and title belong to Brian Moloko and the gang, taken from the album ‘Meds’ from the song of the same title. Don’t ya just love pretty boys?
Summary: You are one of God’s mistakes.
Song to Say Goodbye
You are one of God’s mistakes,
You crying tragic waste of skin.
I’m well aware of how it aches,
And you still won’t let me in.
You really do think that you’re the only one who’s suffering through this, don’t you? That no one else understands how much this aches, or how hard it is. You really are self-centred. You think that over coming the drug problem is yours alone, that none of us know what it’s like, that we’ve never been there before. A forming drug problem brought me to West Chester, Bam’s in the middle of fighting a drink problem, Raab’s been there too. You think we don’t know what it’s like?
We all care about you, although sometimes I wonder what the hell for. You’re a wreck and all you seem to do is get worse. That tattoo doesn’t mean crap when you don’t do anything to back it up. All you’ve done is hide it, and not very well. When you stumble home, back to the house - where you don’t pay rent, or bills, or even get asked to do a chore - smelling of cheap booze, whores and your eyes are the size of plates, do you think no one will notice? We’re not the smartest of people, but we’re not stupid either.
You may think that we don’t watch you, that we’re not interested and that we do trust you enough, or that we just don’t care. But it’s complete bullshit. I care, he cares, Ape and Phil care. And you just go and throw it back in our faces. I don’t know who I’m more mad at. You or myself. You for trailing my trust and care through the dirt and leaving it shredded in the ground. Or me for letting you. For giving you the benefit of the doubt over and over again, for just standing by and letting you do this over again.
Now I’m breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don’t like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space.
When Bam had enough you moved in with me. Then Bam moved house and I moved in with him, letting you live in my old place, paying for everything. I paid the bills, heating and gas, electric and phones. I picked up the tab for the groceries I had delivered, knowing you would forget and end up starving. I routinely stopped by with clean clothes just in case, I did the laundry while I was there too. I even gave you enough money for you to amuse yourself. Because you didn’t want to be around Bam right then. I had no idea why. At that point I was sleeping with him so I didn’t push either of you.
But you wanted to be away from us, and I trusted you enough to leave you on your own. Yet another of my mistakes.
We did season two of Viva and every weekend I could I came back to visit you, sometimes Bam and Dico came too, April was already calling every few nights to make sure you were still alive. And you seemed to be doing really well most of the time, like you were off the crap you were shooting up, like you were getting back to the skating, like it was all getting better.
I thought you were serious about it all, I thought you were doing really good. Until I stopped by on a Friday night, and found you with god knows who, high and tweaking and I had no idea why. I threw that asshole out on his ass, he shouted something about needing payment but I really wasn’t in the mood. I had tried to talk to you about it. But you were completely gone and had no idea who I even was.
So you, in your drugged out nature, kissed me. And I didn’t do anything. I didn’t push you away, didn’t react, I just stood there, and let you kiss me. I at least had the motor functions to stop you when you tried to go down on me. Throwing you in the bedroom and closing the door behind me. I was so angry, and disgusted and distressed. I didn’t understand how any of us could miss it. I wasn’t sure if this was the first time you’d slipped back into old habits. I didn’t know why, but right then I hated you more than I ever have.
Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those blessed with lucky sevens,
And a voice that made me cry.
My, oh, my.
I only knew you a while before the whole drug habit got seriously out of control, a few nights out here and there, drinking with the guys and hanging out at Bam’s house. But you were laid back and cool, you were in control of your life and knew just what you wanted, you didn’t let anyone put you down and you didn’t take any shit. I never could understand why you ended up hooked on that shit, why you started taking it in the first place completely beats me.
I was young and stupid, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. I was nothing like you, so why did you get dragged down while I crawled out? I don’t get it, why you?
You were smart enough to go places with your life, you were determined to make something of yourself. With the charisma and charm you’ve got, much like Bam’s, you could’ve done just about anything. But now people just look at you and see a junkie trying to reform, and failing miserably. I don’t know why I never told Bam about your slip up, but I kept that from them, let them think you were getting better. Bam was so proud of you, so glad that you were getting everything together.
He asked you to move into his house, to get you closer to us, so you could count on us better. He’d just broken up with Jenn again and I suppose he was feeling the effects of not having you around as much as usual. I didn’t say anything on the decision, so you moved into the castle. And you were warned, I told you exactly what Bam didn’t know, and I insisted that Bam never know. If you slipped up again, fine, but not in Bam’s house. Never in Bam’s house.
You’d pulled that lazy smile, telling me to stop worrying. But the smile never reached your eyes like it did before, when you used to joke and tease me, when we were actually friends. And God, I never thought about how much I’d miss that when it was gone.
You were mother nature’s son,
Someone to whom I could relate.
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
There was a time years ago when I’d have pushed you away and punched you if you’d ever come on to me. A time when the rage in me was so bad that I’d probably have floored you if you’d even tried anything. But there was one night that it didn’t matter.
One night when I walked in on you, needle still in your arm and that dazed look on your face. We were in a bathroom in some run down bar, Bam out by the bar with Dico, Raab and Glomb, entertaining the masses with his stupid stories. And there you were, staring at me with that dear in the headlights look, knowing I’d just caught you. But before I could walk out, probably give up all hope of you all together, you’d grabbed me, pushed me against the wall and just like that last time, you kissed me. Hard and wet and sloppy and this time the rage had twisted into something else, I can’t even try to explain it, but I kissed you back. My fingers tangling with your messy hair, digging into your head while you tried to crawl into me, pushing against me so hard I was sure we’d leave a mark on the wall. I fucked you right then and there in that bathroom stall, not caring for the fact that the needle had been pulled out, maybe a little bit too hard, and blood was dripping down your arm, staining both my shirt and yours.
It was the start of the most hateful and twisted relationship I’ve ever had. I hated you for what you did to yourself, for the deceit you were causing, for the pain that would come when you slipped up for the last time and OD’d. But at the same time I could feel myself falling for you in the worst way possible. Your laughter was infectious, that sparkle that reached your eyes sometimes, the smile you had when things were going really well. And just the way we were able to just lie there together at night, nothing to talk about and nothing to trouble me. Because on those nights, I could pretend there was nothing wrong. I could pretend that I didn’t need to worry about you leaving in the middle of the night, going somewhere to get a hit, that you’d disappear that night and I’d find you in some gutter somewhere. I could block it out and imagine nothing was wrong.
Now I’m trying to wake you up,
To pull you from the liquid sky.
‘Cause if I don’t we’ll both end up,
With just your songs to say goodbye.
You may think that I wanted something different from you, that I was trying to change you. I wasn’t really I wasn’t. I just wanted you back, I wanted the you I first got to know, the one who made dumb jokes with Bam because he wanted to, not because he felt he had to, the you who depended on no one but himself, not the you who needed everyone around him. I wanted you to get back to you. But you didn’t see it that way.
Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It wasn’t that I wanted to, it was more that I had to. You and I really weren’t meant to be anything, were we? You just didn’t take the time anymore and I just couldn’t handle seeing you do that to yourself anymore. In killing yourself you were killing me, and I didn’t want to let that happen. Maybe you’d figure it out, maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe I was just something else you used for a while before moving back to the one thing you truly were addicted to.
Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those blessed with lucky sevens,
And a voice that made me cry.
It’s a song to say goodbye.
Maybe one day you’ll get yourself fixed up, but I hate to say that I won’t be around for it. I can’t be around for it. Cause I don’t believe in you anymore.
It’s a song to say goodbye.
---
Ever had one of those things that just won’t come? Yeah? Good. That’s what this was.
Took me weeks. *sigh*
Comments are nice - buying the album and letting me know is nicer.
^_^
---