Super-late editpipisafoatJanuary 27 2009, 15:13:50 UTC
I'm really sorry for the lateness of this edit - I somehow managed to check it off of my to-do list and only just noticed that I'd done it and typed it up but not actually given it to you. Feel free to smack me on the back of the head!
There was no mention of a cigarette before it is used - she just randomly sucks and gets smoke. I would clear this up by saying she sucks on a cigarette.
change it all is an unclear pronoun reference - change what all?
Even in the winter, she chose to pull on her winter coat... Unclear wording - it sounds like she pulls on her winter coat even when taking a smoke break in the summer.
I would not name Paul - he's far too minor a character, and if the two are friends, he either already knows her children's names or doesn't really care or need to know.
Sorry, I forgot the other part of the edit:
I really liked the story overall. The description of her smoking and the way it feels for her is really well-written. The setup of her friendship with Mark is also done quite well, short but descriptive (which really describes the whole story) without being tediously detailed. Overall, a great story!
Sorry, I forgot the other part of the edit:
I really liked the story overall. The description of her smoking and the way it feels for her is really well-written. The setup of her friendship with Mark is also done quite well, short but descriptive (which really describes the whole story) without being tediously detailed. Overall, a great story!
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