I'm one of your editors for this entry- late, as usual! :-)
Sorry about that!
I like reading about Beth each week- continuing with the one character really works for me. I'm quite attached to her, so hope she continues to appear in future weeks! I think it's great when readers can get to know a particular character! It makes your readers want to keep checking your entries, when they start to build a connection with a character that returns each week.
My suggestions:
1. The smoke hit the back of her throat and suddenly her shoulders felt a little looser… I've only started learning about appropriate use of the ellipsis, so feel free to ignore my suggestion here. If the ellipsis here is used to create a pause, try using a comma instead. Ellipsis seem to be used more for a pregnant pause, when there's news that someone wants to share, but they want to make the listener wait for it. There are other uses, but they don't really apply here, so I won't bore you with them. :-)
Example: The smoke hit the back of her throat and suddenly her shoulders felt a little looser, a tad more relaxed. 2. Formatting - to improve readability, try inserting a new paragraph when a new idea, thought, or person speaks. It breaks it up, and makes it easier for readers to follow what is happening. Example: Try starting a new paragraph here - So instead, Beth stood with her co-worker and friend,
3. while get (getting) cranky over a game of gin rummy. 4. “You seem lost in thought,” Mark said, his head cocked to the side in question. Saying "the side in question" suggests that Mark is making reference to a particular side. Try rewriting this sentence like this, and see what you think: “You seem lost in thought,” Mark said, his head cocked questioningly to the side.
This is very well written, with excellent use of punctuation! I love the way you don't use the word demon in this piece, but make it quite clear that cigarettes are that demon.
I'm one of your editors for this entry- late, as usual! :-)
Sorry about that!
I like reading about Beth each week- continuing with the one character really works for me. I'm quite attached to her, so hope she continues to appear in future weeks! I think it's great when readers can get to know a particular character! It makes your readers want to keep checking your entries, when they start to build a connection with a character that returns each week.
My suggestions:
1. The smoke hit the back of her
throat and suddenly her shoulders felt a little looser… I've only started learning about appropriate use of the ellipsis, so feel free to ignore my suggestion here. If the ellipsis here is used to create a pause, try using a comma instead. Ellipsis seem to be used more for a pregnant pause, when there's news that someone wants to share, but they want to make the listener wait for it. There are other uses, but they don't really apply here, so I won't bore you with them. :-)
Example: The smoke hit the back of her
throat and suddenly her shoulders felt a little looser, a tad more relaxed.
2. Formatting - to improve readability, try inserting a new paragraph when a new idea, thought, or person speaks. It breaks it up, and makes it easier for readers to follow what is happening.
Example:
Try starting a new paragraph here - So instead, Beth stood with her co-worker and friend,
3. while get (getting) cranky over a game of gin rummy.
4. “You seem lost in thought,” Mark said, his head cocked to the side in question. Saying "the side in question" suggests that Mark is making reference to a particular side. Try rewriting this sentence like this, and see what you think:
“You seem lost in thought,” Mark said, his head cocked questioningly to the side.
This is very well written, with excellent use of punctuation! I love the way you don't use the word demon in this piece, but make it quite clear that cigarettes are that demon.
Very nicely done!
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