Hi there! I'm going to be your (replacement) editor this week as things didn't work out with your first. :) I tend to focus more on plot, character elements, flow, overall tone...etc and stay away from the grammar and structure stuff. However, if something catches my eye, I'll point it out. My habit is to read the entry through two or three times and comment upon anything that may stick out to me.
Everything I offer is merely a suggestion! Here we go...
1. Pace and rhythm: I have to applaud you on this one. It's quite short but still a full story, nicely paced and an easy read. The sentences here really work together here to allow the reader's eyes to move freely over the piece without getting hung up on metaphors, large words or clunky structure. Nice work!
2. Beth always squirmed under the imagined scrutiny on the other side of the huge windows. I do, however, think there is a better way to start out the piece. This first sentence sets us up, but is a bit cloudy. I'd suggest making it as clear as you possibly can, as I was confused as to where/why...etc before the second sentence. My suggestion: Beth always squirmed under the imagined scrutiny she received from her co-workers on the other side of the huge factory windows. Or something similar. This is just an example, but I suggest establishig a few more variables for us right off the bat.
3. This is a nice paragraph, very well done, but I found a small error: Instead, she’d be wishing for the bitter, burnt taste, while get cranky over a game of gin rummy.. Get = getting
4. Even in the winter, she chose to pull on her winter coat and brave the elements. This is a matter of personal opinion, but I tend to dislike the way repetition reads if it's not intentional for a conventional or style. My suggestion: Even in the biting col, she chose to pull on her winter coat and brave the elements. Or something similar to stay away from the repeat "winter"
Overall, I really enjoyed the entry. Again, nice, short and sweet with some fun writing. Nice work!
Everything I offer is merely a suggestion! Here we go...
1. Pace and rhythm: I have to applaud you on this one. It's quite short but still a full story, nicely paced and an easy read. The sentences here really work together here to allow the reader's eyes to move freely over the piece without getting hung up on metaphors, large words or clunky structure. Nice work!
2. Beth always squirmed under the imagined scrutiny on the other side of the huge windows. I do, however, think there is a better way to start out the piece. This first sentence sets us up, but is a bit cloudy. I'd suggest making it as clear as you possibly can, as I was confused as to where/why...etc before the second sentence. My suggestion: Beth always squirmed under the imagined scrutiny she received from her co-workers on the other side of the huge factory windows. Or something similar. This is just an example, but I suggest establishig a few more variables for us right off the bat.
3. This is a nice paragraph, very well done, but I found a small error: Instead, she’d be wishing for the bitter, burnt taste, while get cranky over a game of gin rummy.. Get = getting
4. Even in the winter, she chose to pull on her winter coat and brave the elements. This is a matter of personal opinion, but I tend to dislike the way repetition reads if it's not intentional for a conventional or style. My suggestion: Even in the biting col, she chose to pull on her winter coat and brave the elements. Or something similar to stay away from the repeat "winter"
Overall, I really enjoyed the entry. Again, nice, short and sweet with some fun writing. Nice work!
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