(no subject)
I have been having the memory dreams again... it's one of the worst parts about being sober. It's not like when I think about all the bullshit when I am awake. At least then I can do something to distract myself and push the thoughts out. But my dreams are never edited and I can't make them stop. The memories just bombard my mind without holding anything back. I wake up feeling like I am in the middle of it all over again. I wake up with my heart pounding and my thoughts racing and feeling like I need to run the fuck away. I always forget that the dreams start to happen again once I have been sober for a few months. It's such a sick present for getting your life back together. And they just get worse... and happen more frequently. Drinking helps. If I am drinking that day then I don't ever have them, but I also can't afford to drink like that. And I am not going to do drugs again just to make this go away. I just don't know what I should do to fix it. How do you stop dreaming?
I think it wouldn't bother me as much if it wasn't the same one again and again. Although, I guess it could be worse if my brain decided to play me a stitched together movie of all the things I want to forget. Even then, at least it would be mixed up instead of reliving that night over and over again. It feels so god damn real. I wake up feeling the same way I did that morning. It's like someone is doing this just to screw with me. And it seriously fucks with me during the day. I will be doing something random and all of a sudden it springs up in my mind. I don't know how to handle this, I really don't. The only way I know how to fix it is to drink, but that is a temporary fix and I know that. I actually started reaching out to things I used to do to help me relax with this kind of thing. I started getting a new painting ready. It's one of the paintings by Roberta that I have always wanted to redo as a wall mural. I know it is a wasted project, even though I wish it wasn't. I don't have much time to work on something like that or a place to do it. And even if I had time and a place, I can't afford to buy the canvas or wood or whatever I decide to use. Maybe once my parents move I can set it up there. I know I am reaching at straws, but I am so sick of this and I don't know of any other options. Who knows, maybe they will just go away, although I really do doubt that.
Anyways, just needed to say that to some one, or rather some thing. I am going to watch the game.
I think it wouldn't bother me as much if it wasn't the same one again and again. Although, I guess it could be worse if my brain decided to play me a stitched together movie of all the things I want to forget. Even then, at least it would be mixed up instead of reliving that night over and over again. It feels so god damn real. I wake up feeling the same way I did that morning. It's like someone is doing this just to screw with me. And it seriously fucks with me during the day. I will be doing something random and all of a sudden it springs up in my mind. I don't know how to handle this, I really don't. The only way I know how to fix it is to drink, but that is a temporary fix and I know that. I actually started reaching out to things I used to do to help me relax with this kind of thing. I started getting a new painting ready. It's one of the paintings by Roberta that I have always wanted to redo as a wall mural. I know it is a wasted project, even though I wish it wasn't. I don't have much time to work on something like that or a place to do it. And even if I had time and a place, I can't afford to buy the canvas or wood or whatever I decide to use. Maybe once my parents move I can set it up there. I know I am reaching at straws, but I am so sick of this and I don't know of any other options. Who knows, maybe they will just go away, although I really do doubt that.
Anyways, just needed to say that to some one, or rather some thing. I am going to watch the game.