Lilah knows that I'm just teasing about throwing myself into any of her fights... let alone getting Sarah involved in anything Wolfram & Hart... and in the old days, we could've gone hours bantering back and forth. But there's a new kind of seriousness to Lilah now that puts a strain on her sense of humor. It's a natural effect of living this long under that kind of pressure. And if there was a way to keep her away from it, there isn't a price that I wouldn't be willing to pay.
"I'm all yours, lucky lady," I tease when she asks where I'll be tomorrow. Meetings can be rescheduled and clients can wait. I've only got one chance to be there as my daughter grows up and I'm already losing Lilah far too often to the firm. Never really caught on to the whole 'sharing' thing, but at least I've got my priorities right this time.
I just barely get the chance to enjoy Lilah's unexpected tenderness before Sarah decides that she's had quite enough of the 'smoochy stuff', tugging my hair and pulling a face when I shoot her a look. "No ignoring me. Right Daddy?"
"You wouldn't let me if I tried," I counter, catching her around the waist and pulling her in for an impromptu group hug that leaves me slightly squished and perfectly happy. My girls. "Now I have it on good authority that there's a perfectly good dinner getting cold in the kitchen. What do say we take this circus to the table before Li wastes away with hunger on us, huh?"
Lindsey tells me that I'm all his tomorrow and I can't help but smile; between work and Sarah we barely get time together at all and it would be nice for a change. Take a break from the world for a while. It's been a long time since we've allowed ourselves to forget about work and get lost in each other.
When the fuck did I become such a damn sap?
It doesn't take long before Sarah has had enough of us not paying attention to her when she goes directly to Lindsey. She knows better than to whine to me, it'll get her nothing but sent to her room for the evening. Even if she did, I'm too tired from the day to even begin to argue with her.
An unintentional laugh escapes my lips as Lindsey pulls us together in a hug, I wrap my arms around Sarah's waist and kiss her cheek, tossing one of her pigtails away from her face and smiling at her. "Hey little girl." Lindsey mentions dinner and I nod, turning to Lindsey. "Food sounds nice; the food carts at the firm have seriously gone downhill in the past few months."
Sarah hops down and starts pulling at my hand, demanding me to get up and join them to see how they - she really means Lindsey - set up the table for us. I get up from the couch and sigh, reaching up and pulling the pin out of my hair and letting it fall lose down my shoulders. "I think this firm you work at Lindsey is too easy on you; you have time to cook and clean." I smirk wickedly back at him. "Maybe I should get you an apron for Christmas."
I quietly slip into my seat and look around, discontent with how my work life was going but there wasn't a thing that I'd change about my life here with the two people I can count on. As if on que Lindsey pops open the bottle of wine and I smile, holding out my glass for him. "You do know me well." Let's just hope that this doesn't mix badly with the scotch I had in the office.
I grin at him. "Nope, wouldn't let you ever never." I kiss his cheek and hug him back tightly as he pulls me to him and mommy, squishing himself between us. "Silly," I giggle, hearing him mumble about dinner under me and I nod. "Yes, must show Mommy the table we made. It's awful perdy."
Squirming I pull myself down from his lap and pull them by the hands, hopping up and down 'til they follow me. They so better, I know Daddy hates it when I pout. I pout when I don't get my own way. That's why I always get my way; I'm so gonna rule the world one day.
After I finish reading The Illiad, learn three more languages and can master the sword Daddy got me. Speaking of, I so hope they don't find the broken video recorder...I'm sure I can fix it if I get enough tools out of Daddy's box.
"Isn't it pretty mommy? We did it all on our own!" I beamed, smiling up at her as she took her seat, I pull the napkin from her plate and put it on her lap as Daddy pours the wine. "Est-ce que je peux prendre mon vin satisfais aussi, Papa?" Grinning I hurry over to my seat and hold out my own glass to him.
"Mamma?" I smile brightly at her, the cold from my wine still on my lips. "Teacher was talking in class today about Daughter Work Day and since I already know lots and lots about Daddy's work I really wanna come with you." They both stop and I'm the center of attention - hey I like that. "And the way it works is the daughters go to work with their mothers and...I wanna come now too." I gaze at them both over the edge of my wine glass, knowing they'd say yes. They always say yes to me.
I know Lilah's just kidding about the quality of the work food, but I really wouldn't be too surprised. What Angel did in L.A. all those years ago, going out with one hell of a bang like the champion that he was... it shook the Partners and it shook 'em good. You didn't even have to be working within the firm anymore to feel it. Team Angel may not have eliminated evil on earth, but they sure as hell took it down a notch.
But Sarah's tugging us towards the table and Lilah's finding her wit again, making cracks about my housekeeping skills, and I can't be bothered with the epic battles between the shades of grey at the moment. I've got this little family to call my own and so long as the world stays out, I'm cool with things running their natural course. "Make sure you get me a blue one," I tell Lilah. "It'll bring out my eyes."
I pour her a glass of wine while Sarah sweeps her napkin onto her lap. Nobody can resist our tag-team pampering for long. I shoot Lilah a wink and kiss her temple before I straighten up, switching wine for cranberry juice when Sarah's holds out her glass. "Only 'cause you asked so nice," I shoot back with a grin.
Pouring myself a glass of the wine, I sit down and start passing bowls around. Sarah's got the sugar-sweet smile on that means one of us is about to get hit up for a treat, but Lilah's the intended target tonight.
"Teacher was talking in class today about Daughter Work Day and since I already know lots and lots about Daddy's work I really wanna come with you."
I freeze with a scoop of potatoes halfway to my plate, meeting Lilah's eyes across the table. We may still be one seriously paranoid pair of old-time lawyers, but I don't think either of us saw that one coming.
"And the way it works is the daughters go to work with their mothers and...I wanna come now too."
I clear my throat lightly and put the serving spoon back into the dish before Sarah picks up on the fact that I'm frazzled. "What?" I ask her, pretending to be hurt. "You don't want to hang out at your old man's firm anymore? Too good for me now, huh?" I'm just talking nonsense, trying to buy Lilah a bit of time so she can figure out how she's going to say no without breaking Sarah's heart. Because my own little girl and Wolfram & Hart are two things in this world that do not go together, ever.
The smart-ass comment that I have in my mind quickly fades away as Sarah decides to drop an Apocalypse on the two of us. People are always talking about how their world stop's at life altering news and such; I always thought it was bullshit.
I don't anymore.
Sarah goes on to tell us what Teacher brought up in class about that near insipid tradition that the women did in the states of taking their child to work for a day. Like that was going to make up for ignoring them for the rest of the year; if it was only that easy.
My mouth goes dry and I feel as if my tongue was too big for my mouth; I take a large sip of my wine - alright, I drink it all - and reach for the bottle. I keep quiet, trying to avoid my child's eyes as she quietly pleads for me to say yes.
That's the problem. Lindsey and I always say yes to her; she's our daughter and just because we're jaded and broken with no hope for us didn't mean that she had to be. Once she was old enough she'd be tarnished by the truth of our lives - before and now - and now we had to do whatever we could to keep her happy. Maybe it's guilt of the misery we're bound to put her through later in life...
"Sa-" My voice breaks and I clear my throat. "Sarah, I don't know. Mommy has a big case and..." My words are low and I don't even know if either of them heard me; thankfully Lindsey pipes up and I sink back in my seat, unsure of what to say to her. No was never something said when it could be helped but if there's one thing Lindsey and I agree on it's keeping Sarah as far away from Wolfram and Hart as we can.
Crossing my legs under the table I look over at Sarah and meet her eyes. "Now isn't a good time baby, I'm sorry." I spoke in a tone that I only used with her; my eyes turned to Lindsey and I felt like I did when I fled LA and needing someone to rescue me if I wanted them to or not.
I can say and do anything I want at Wolfram and Hart, I can worm my way into and out of contracts. But the one thing that I can't seem to do is deny my daughter something as simple as she thinks this is.
"What? You don't want to hang out at your old man's firm anymore? Too good for me now, huh?"
I turn towards Daddy and give him a look. "Pualeaze, like I could ever get tired of you Daddy." Squirming out of my seat I hurry over to him and hug him tightly, resting my head against his chest. "Vous connaissez je t'aime le Papa." I laugh, remembering Mommy telling me that Daddy hates French; something about him not getting it. It's a pretty language. Much easier than some of those funky text's that I've seen in her books; that's for sure.
Pulling on Daddy's shirt I make my way up and sit on his lap so I'm kinda sandwiched between the table and him, facing my mother as I fiddle with a napkin. "It'll be fun," I grin at her. "We can go to that really good place for lunch and I can help file papers. I taught myself how to speak Sumerian too if you have anything like that." I shrug and twirl a lock of my hair around my finger. "Or I can just sit and finish reading my book and not be in your way..."
"Now isn't a good time baby, I'm sorry."
My chin hurts. It really hurts as I try not to become a big baby. "Mamma," I whisper knowing my face is doing that crumpling thing that Mommy hates and Daddy tries to take away. "It's not like I'm asking to get out of piano classes or no-anything." Squirming out of my father's lap I move over to stand by her. "Please; I promise I'll be a good girl. I'm a Morgan, I know how to act like one in public..."
I don't understand. I'm a good girl; why would she say no?
Lilah polishes off her wine, looking a little rattled, and my arms tighten almost unconsciously around Sarah when she bounces over to give me a hug. As if I can hang onto her and physically keep Wolfram & Hart from tromping right through our lives and into Sarah's life. You never really realize the size of that place until you're trying to hide something precious from it.
Lilah manages to get out an answer in the negative, taking the fall and making it sound like this is her choice. She meets my eyes, looking... for one of the very few times in her life... a little bit helpless. I reassure her with a nod. This is the right thing to do.
Sarah's not having any of it though, squirming out of my grasp and putting her very best debating skills to work. But Lilah holds her ground. This isn't a debating kind of issue. This is Wolfram & Hart. Sarah looks kind of shocked, not used to us saying no to her, and then the tears come up in her eyes despite her best efforts. Crap. I get out of my chair and move around the table to join them, crouching next to Lilah's chair and taking Sarah's hand.
"I'm a Morgan," she insists, her voice trembling a little, "I know how to act like one in public..."
"Sugar, this doesn't have anything to do with you being good or not," I counter. "It's just too busy right now and... boring. Really, really boring." Now she just looks betrayed, 'cause I'm the guy who usually winds up on her side. Well, let me remember how to be the bad guy again, because she sure as hell ain't waltzing into the lion's den while I'm around.
I glance up at Lilah, trying to figure out a compromise. "What about... Li, maybe you've got a trial Sarah could come and watch sometime? I bet we could figure out a day that's not so busy." And by 'busy', I pretty much mean 'busy with bad guys'. If we could just figure out a relatively harmless trial coming up so Sarah can go and watch her mom strut her stuff in front of the jury, everybody wins. Right?
I might as well have slapped my daughter across the face, I think it would have been less painful for her than my words. She looks at me, almost pleading, for me to change my mind. If it was for anything else I would have. But this was Wolfram and Hart, life or death. Just because Lindsey and I were damned it didn't mean that she had to be as well.
For once I know that Lindsey and I are on the same page, we have always been when it's come to Sarah. It surprised me how well he fell into that parental role when I told him that I was pregnant. Hell, I surprised myself. Another time to think on that.
Lindsey moves towards us and I welcome his presence, reaching over and picking up his wine glass instead of touching his arm like I wanted. Looking through the bottom of the glass I watch the two of them, my stomach twisting as they talked. She begged him, so many times, before her face totally crumpled.
"Sugar, this doesn't have anything to do with you being good or not...It's just too busy right now and... boring. Really, really boring."
The day it would be boring would be...Yeah, there's no such thing in our life. But I watch quietly as the two of them have their moment, Lindsey scrambling to find some way to soothe her broken heart. Wolfram and Hart danger aside I'm not sure how I feel about her wanting so much to spend time with me, it was still something so new, she had always been a Daddy's girl, even when she was an infant.
"What about... Li, maybe you've got a trial Sarah could come and watch sometime? I bet we could figure out a day that's not so busy."
I look at him in wonder, remembering that he always did have such quick whit in a tough situation. At this moment I was very glad about that. My eyes meet his and I set down the empty glass, turning to my family and running my fingers through my hair. With my current client, I couldn't even entertain such an idea as this. "Maybe, I don't think so now, Sarah. We can worry about it later but it's not an option now." My voice is low and Sarah pulls herself from Lindsey's arms and stormed off to her room, yelling back that we were both being mean.
Her door slamming was almost enough to break a person, I just turn to Lindsey with a look only he sees. "Scotch...now."
A little tremble of rage or hurt goes through Sarah, and then she's tearing herself away from me and shooting death glares every which way, obviously feeling a little ganged up on here. "Sarah..." But according to her we're both being mean and apparently this conversation is over, finally punctuated by a dramatic door-slam that makes me wince.
"I guess that makes us real parents now, huh?" I comment dryly, getting to my feet. At least she didn't say that she hated us. I seem to remember saying that to my daddy once in fit of teenage frustration and getting cuffed upside the head for it, but... if I heard that from Sarah, even knowing how empty those sentiments are from an angry kid, I don't think I'd be able to hold up.
Lilah doesn't look like she's in the mood for jokes though, her lips pressed together and that rare but scary helpless look in her eyes. (If you had've told me Lilah Morgan could look this perfectly shattered a couple years back, I wouldn't have believed it to save my life.) "Scotch...now."
"You sure that's such a good..." That damn look stops that sentence and sends me towards the bottle in the high cabinet near the bookshelf. "Let's not make a habit of this, alright?" I warn her, even though I know it's way the hell too late for that kind of talk. I shouldn't even be allowed to make remarks. I know that there are some things that only a good stiff drink will take your mind off of. Luckily for me, for me those things have either been left across the ocean or else long since turned to ash. Drinking just serves to remind me of those days.
Finding a clean glass, I glance back at Lilah where she's still sitting motionless at the table. "Come over here," I coax. Can't very well hold her if she's sitting at the table, can I? I'll worry about getting some food into her a bit later when things have calmed down. I can hear Sarah in her room and the sound of her quiet crying just about breaks my heart. I wish we could tell her the whole story and make her understand the why of this decision without putting her in danger. (If wishes were horses...)
"You know this is how it has to be," I tell Lilah quietly, trying to convince myself as much as her. "I know it's rough but there's no other way, Li."
Lindsey is at it again, cracking jokes and making light of things even though we both know this is the darkest they've been. Never has our daughter asked such things about work and now that she has...it's only going to get worse.
"You sure that's such a good...Let's not make a habit of this, alright?"
Oh why must he bother even attempting to steer me away from it? He should know me better after not only being married to me, but from working together for so long. "That's not a fuck that I give, Lindsey." I shoot back at him, far from any mood for his shit tonight. My daughter was mad at me and there wasn't a fiber inside me that was at all pleased or content with that.
"Come over here,"
His words break my thoughts and for once I don't have any effort in me to argue or protest. I get out of the chair and talk over slowly to the couch, my eyes moving along my husband and the thought of how different life would be if...
"Ramos is bad news, Lindsey," I mutter, getting onto the couch and curling myself up against him. "I won't let him get near Sarah, or you. Day's like this..." I let my words trail off, both of us knowing where it lead.
Day's like this, I wish I never went back.
I nod quietly and rest my head against his shoulder. "We need to leave, that's the only thing I can think of. We'll leave and...Yeah, we'll work well on the run with a very smart five year old..." We were so screwed.
"I'm all yours, lucky lady," I tease when she asks where I'll be tomorrow. Meetings can be rescheduled and clients can wait. I've only got one chance to be there as my daughter grows up and I'm already losing Lilah far too often to the firm. Never really caught on to the whole 'sharing' thing, but at least I've got my priorities right this time.
I just barely get the chance to enjoy Lilah's unexpected tenderness before Sarah decides that she's had quite enough of the 'smoochy stuff', tugging my hair and pulling a face when I shoot her a look. "No ignoring me. Right Daddy?"
"You wouldn't let me if I tried," I counter, catching her around the waist and pulling her in for an impromptu group hug that leaves me slightly squished and perfectly happy. My girls. "Now I have it on good authority that there's a perfectly good dinner getting cold in the kitchen. What do say we take this circus to the table before Li wastes away with hunger on us, huh?"
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When the fuck did I become such a damn sap?
It doesn't take long before Sarah has had enough of us not paying attention to her when she goes directly to Lindsey. She knows better than to whine to me, it'll get her nothing but sent to her room for the evening. Even if she did, I'm too tired from the day to even begin to argue with her.
An unintentional laugh escapes my lips as Lindsey pulls us together in a hug, I wrap my arms around Sarah's waist and kiss her cheek, tossing one of her pigtails away from her face and smiling at her. "Hey little girl." Lindsey mentions dinner and I nod, turning to Lindsey. "Food sounds nice; the food carts at the firm have seriously gone downhill in the past few months."
Sarah hops down and starts pulling at my hand, demanding me to get up and join them to see how they - she really means Lindsey - set up the table for us. I get up from the couch and sigh, reaching up and pulling the pin out of my hair and letting it fall lose down my shoulders. "I think this firm you work at Lindsey is too easy on you; you have time to cook and clean." I smirk wickedly back at him. "Maybe I should get you an apron for Christmas."
I quietly slip into my seat and look around, discontent with how my work life was going but there wasn't a thing that I'd change about my life here with the two people I can count on. As if on que Lindsey pops open the bottle of wine and I smile, holding out my glass for him. "You do know me well." Let's just hope that this doesn't mix badly with the scotch I had in the office.
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Squirming I pull myself down from his lap and pull them by the hands, hopping up and down 'til they follow me. They so better, I know Daddy hates it when I pout. I pout when I don't get my own way. That's why I always get my way; I'm so gonna rule the world one day.
After I finish reading The Illiad, learn three more languages and can master the sword Daddy got me. Speaking of, I so hope they don't find the broken video recorder...I'm sure I can fix it if I get enough tools out of Daddy's box.
"Isn't it pretty mommy? We did it all on our own!" I beamed, smiling up at her as she took her seat, I pull the napkin from her plate and put it on her lap as Daddy pours the wine. "Est-ce que je peux prendre mon vin satisfais aussi, Papa?" Grinning I hurry over to my seat and hold out my own glass to him.
"Mamma?" I smile brightly at her, the cold from my wine still on my lips. "Teacher was talking in class today about Daughter Work Day and since I already know lots and lots about Daddy's work I really wanna come with you." They both stop and I'm the center of attention - hey I like that. "And the way it works is the daughters go to work with their mothers and...I wanna come now too." I gaze at them both over the edge of my wine glass, knowing they'd say yes. They always say yes to me.
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But Sarah's tugging us towards the table and Lilah's finding her wit again, making cracks about my housekeeping skills, and I can't be bothered with the epic battles between the shades of grey at the moment. I've got this little family to call my own and so long as the world stays out, I'm cool with things running their natural course. "Make sure you get me a blue one," I tell Lilah. "It'll bring out my eyes."
I pour her a glass of wine while Sarah sweeps her napkin onto her lap. Nobody can resist our tag-team pampering for long. I shoot Lilah a wink and kiss her temple before I straighten up, switching wine for cranberry juice when Sarah's holds out her glass. "Only 'cause you asked so nice," I shoot back with a grin.
Pouring myself a glass of the wine, I sit down and start passing bowls around. Sarah's got the sugar-sweet smile on that means one of us is about to get hit up for a treat, but Lilah's the intended target tonight.
"Teacher was talking in class today about Daughter Work Day and since I already know lots and lots about Daddy's work I really wanna come with you."
I freeze with a scoop of potatoes halfway to my plate, meeting Lilah's eyes across the table. We may still be one seriously paranoid pair of old-time lawyers, but I don't think either of us saw that one coming.
"And the way it works is the daughters go to work with their mothers and...I wanna come now too."
I clear my throat lightly and put the serving spoon back into the dish before Sarah picks up on the fact that I'm frazzled. "What?" I ask her, pretending to be hurt. "You don't want to hang out at your old man's firm anymore? Too good for me now, huh?" I'm just talking nonsense, trying to buy Lilah a bit of time so she can figure out how she's going to say no without breaking Sarah's heart. Because my own little girl and Wolfram & Hart are two things in this world that do not go together, ever.
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I don't anymore.
Sarah goes on to tell us what Teacher brought up in class about that near insipid tradition that the women did in the states of taking their child to work for a day. Like that was going to make up for ignoring them for the rest of the year; if it was only that easy.
My mouth goes dry and I feel as if my tongue was too big for my mouth; I take a large sip of my wine - alright, I drink it all - and reach for the bottle. I keep quiet, trying to avoid my child's eyes as she quietly pleads for me to say yes.
That's the problem. Lindsey and I always say yes to her; she's our daughter and just because we're jaded and broken with no hope for us didn't mean that she had to be. Once she was old enough she'd be tarnished by the truth of our lives - before and now - and now we had to do whatever we could to keep her happy. Maybe it's guilt of the misery we're bound to put her through later in life...
"Sa-" My voice breaks and I clear my throat. "Sarah, I don't know. Mommy has a big case and..." My words are low and I don't even know if either of them heard me; thankfully Lindsey pipes up and I sink back in my seat, unsure of what to say to her. No was never something said when it could be helped but if there's one thing Lindsey and I agree on it's keeping Sarah as far away from Wolfram and Hart as we can.
Crossing my legs under the table I look over at Sarah and meet her eyes. "Now isn't a good time baby, I'm sorry." I spoke in a tone that I only used with her; my eyes turned to Lindsey and I felt like I did when I fled LA and needing someone to rescue me if I wanted them to or not.
I can say and do anything I want at Wolfram and Hart, I can worm my way into and out of contracts. But the one thing that I can't seem to do is deny my daughter something as simple as she thinks this is.
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I turn towards Daddy and give him a look. "Pualeaze, like I could ever get tired of you Daddy." Squirming out of my seat I hurry over to him and hug him tightly, resting my head against his chest. "Vous connaissez je t'aime le Papa." I laugh, remembering Mommy telling me that Daddy hates French; something about him not getting it. It's a pretty language. Much easier than some of those funky text's that I've seen in her books; that's for sure.
Pulling on Daddy's shirt I make my way up and sit on his lap so I'm kinda sandwiched between the table and him, facing my mother as I fiddle with a napkin. "It'll be fun," I grin at her. "We can go to that really good place for lunch and I can help file papers. I taught myself how to speak Sumerian too if you have anything like that." I shrug and twirl a lock of my hair around my finger. "Or I can just sit and finish reading my book and not be in your way..."
"Now isn't a good time baby, I'm sorry."
My chin hurts. It really hurts as I try not to become a big baby. "Mamma," I whisper knowing my face is doing that crumpling thing that Mommy hates and Daddy tries to take away. "It's not like I'm asking to get out of piano classes or no-anything." Squirming out of my father's lap I move over to stand by her. "Please; I promise I'll be a good girl. I'm a Morgan, I know how to act like one in public..."
I don't understand. I'm a good girl; why would she say no?
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Lilah manages to get out an answer in the negative, taking the fall and making it sound like this is her choice. She meets my eyes, looking... for one of the very few times in her life... a little bit helpless. I reassure her with a nod. This is the right thing to do.
Sarah's not having any of it though, squirming out of my grasp and putting her very best debating skills to work. But Lilah holds her ground. This isn't a debating kind of issue. This is Wolfram & Hart. Sarah looks kind of shocked, not used to us saying no to her, and then the tears come up in her eyes despite her best efforts. Crap. I get out of my chair and move around the table to join them, crouching next to Lilah's chair and taking Sarah's hand.
"I'm a Morgan," she insists, her voice trembling a little, "I know how to act like one in public..."
"Sugar, this doesn't have anything to do with you being good or not," I counter. "It's just too busy right now and... boring. Really, really boring." Now she just looks betrayed, 'cause I'm the guy who usually winds up on her side. Well, let me remember how to be the bad guy again, because she sure as hell ain't waltzing into the lion's den while I'm around.
I glance up at Lilah, trying to figure out a compromise. "What about... Li, maybe you've got a trial Sarah could come and watch sometime? I bet we could figure out a day that's not so busy." And by 'busy', I pretty much mean 'busy with bad guys'. If we could just figure out a relatively harmless trial coming up so Sarah can go and watch her mom strut her stuff in front of the jury, everybody wins. Right?
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For once I know that Lindsey and I are on the same page, we have always been when it's come to Sarah. It surprised me how well he fell into that parental role when I told him that I was pregnant. Hell, I surprised myself. Another time to think on that.
Lindsey moves towards us and I welcome his presence, reaching over and picking up his wine glass instead of touching his arm like I wanted. Looking through the bottom of the glass I watch the two of them, my stomach twisting as they talked. She begged him, so many times, before her face totally crumpled.
"Sugar, this doesn't have anything to do with you being good or not...It's just too busy right now and... boring. Really, really boring."
The day it would be boring would be...Yeah, there's no such thing in our life. But I watch quietly as the two of them have their moment, Lindsey scrambling to find some way to soothe her broken heart. Wolfram and Hart danger aside I'm not sure how I feel about her wanting so much to spend time with me, it was still something so new, she had always been a Daddy's girl, even when she was an infant.
"What about... Li, maybe you've got a trial Sarah could come and watch sometime? I bet we could figure out a day that's not so busy."
I look at him in wonder, remembering that he always did have such quick whit in a tough situation. At this moment I was very glad about that. My eyes meet his and I set down the empty glass, turning to my family and running my fingers through my hair. With my current client, I couldn't even entertain such an idea as this. "Maybe, I don't think so now, Sarah. We can worry about it later but it's not an option now." My voice is low and Sarah pulls herself from Lindsey's arms and stormed off to her room, yelling back that we were both being mean.
Her door slamming was almost enough to break a person, I just turn to Lindsey with a look only he sees. "Scotch...now."
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"I guess that makes us real parents now, huh?" I comment dryly, getting to my feet. At least she didn't say that she hated us. I seem to remember saying that to my daddy once in fit of teenage frustration and getting cuffed upside the head for it, but... if I heard that from Sarah, even knowing how empty those sentiments are from an angry kid, I don't think I'd be able to hold up.
Lilah doesn't look like she's in the mood for jokes though, her lips pressed together and that rare but scary helpless look in her eyes. (If you had've told me Lilah Morgan could look this perfectly shattered a couple years back, I wouldn't have believed it to save my life.) "Scotch...now."
"You sure that's such a good..." That damn look stops that sentence and sends me towards the bottle in the high cabinet near the bookshelf. "Let's not make a habit of this, alright?" I warn her, even though I know it's way the hell too late for that kind of talk. I shouldn't even be allowed to make remarks. I know that there are some things that only a good stiff drink will take your mind off of. Luckily for me, for me those things have either been left across the ocean or else long since turned to ash. Drinking just serves to remind me of those days.
Finding a clean glass, I glance back at Lilah where she's still sitting motionless at the table. "Come over here," I coax. Can't very well hold her if she's sitting at the table, can I? I'll worry about getting some food into her a bit later when things have calmed down. I can hear Sarah in her room and the sound of her quiet crying just about breaks my heart. I wish we could tell her the whole story and make her understand the why of this decision without putting her in danger. (If wishes were horses...)
"You know this is how it has to be," I tell Lilah quietly, trying to convince myself as much as her. "I know it's rough but there's no other way, Li."
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"You sure that's such a good...Let's not make a habit of this, alright?"
Oh why must he bother even attempting to steer me away from it? He should know me better after not only being married to me, but from working together for so long. "That's not a fuck that I give, Lindsey." I shoot back at him, far from any mood for his shit tonight. My daughter was mad at me and there wasn't a fiber inside me that was at all pleased or content with that.
"Come over here,"
His words break my thoughts and for once I don't have any effort in me to argue or protest. I get out of the chair and talk over slowly to the couch, my eyes moving along my husband and the thought of how different life would be if...
"Ramos is bad news, Lindsey," I mutter, getting onto the couch and curling myself up against him. "I won't let him get near Sarah, or you. Day's like this..." I let my words trail off, both of us knowing where it lead.
Day's like this, I wish I never went back.
I nod quietly and rest my head against his shoulder. "We need to leave, that's the only thing I can think of. We'll leave and...Yeah, we'll work well on the run with a very smart five year old..." We were so screwed.
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