(no subject)
Today has been bittersweet.
My brother went back to Texas. It will be months before I see him.
That thought is almost unbearable.
Skippied IOP and got a tattoo instead.
Left work early.
All warning signs that if I don't heed, I will head down a path better left untread.
But I will heed them.
Working the full time tomorrow.
Going to IOP for the full 3 hours.
Going to the gym inbetween work and IOP[I made it to the gym today]
I will stay sober.
I will fight.
My mom said something that really hit, but I can't remember what she said.
Oh yes. That I'm fighting for my life.
I never really looked at it like that, but I am.
If I turn back to drugs and alcohol I will eventually die from them.
And I don't want that.
The gravity of how important my sobriety is has finally hit.
It's about damn time I suppose.
My mom and I had a heart to heart.
Basiscially I may be hospitalized again at a place called La Rue[sp?] for a few weeks.
Another hospital.
I don't want my life to be filled with hospitals.
This one specializes in borderline personality disorder.
I basically find out tomorrow if/when I go.
So three hospitalizations if I go to that.
And I'm only 20.
How utterly sad.
But I have to do what I have to do if I want a life.
And I do want to live.
More than ever.
Untitled
foolish decisions
internally imprisions
the thoughtsin my head
anger and hope are wed
a twisted union
a fatal dilemma
to distinguish the two
confusions won't do
anger dominates
hope commiserates
cruel complancency
the devil's decree
a marriage unholy
should never be
rationality divorces
illusion gets custoday
enchantments enforces
the ability to see
the wrongs of the past
the presence of the present
hope will last
anger is hell-bent
on causing destruction
chaos in conjunction
gives birth to fear
drawing faith near
an eternal fight
no winner in sight
the battle rages
despair encages
the world in his hand
sorrow, the simple man
12/7/05
My brother went back to Texas. It will be months before I see him.
That thought is almost unbearable.
Skippied IOP and got a tattoo instead.
Left work early.
All warning signs that if I don't heed, I will head down a path better left untread.
But I will heed them.
Working the full time tomorrow.
Going to IOP for the full 3 hours.
Going to the gym inbetween work and IOP[I made it to the gym today]
I will stay sober.
I will fight.
My mom said something that really hit, but I can't remember what she said.
Oh yes. That I'm fighting for my life.
I never really looked at it like that, but I am.
If I turn back to drugs and alcohol I will eventually die from them.
And I don't want that.
The gravity of how important my sobriety is has finally hit.
It's about damn time I suppose.
My mom and I had a heart to heart.
Basiscially I may be hospitalized again at a place called La Rue[sp?] for a few weeks.
Another hospital.
I don't want my life to be filled with hospitals.
This one specializes in borderline personality disorder.
I basically find out tomorrow if/when I go.
So three hospitalizations if I go to that.
And I'm only 20.
How utterly sad.
But I have to do what I have to do if I want a life.
And I do want to live.
More than ever.
Untitled
foolish decisions
internally imprisions
the thoughtsin my head
anger and hope are wed
a twisted union
a fatal dilemma
to distinguish the two
confusions won't do
anger dominates
hope commiserates
cruel complancency
the devil's decree
a marriage unholy
should never be
rationality divorces
illusion gets custoday
enchantments enforces
the ability to see
the wrongs of the past
the presence of the present
hope will last
anger is hell-bent
on causing destruction
chaos in conjunction
gives birth to fear
drawing faith near
an eternal fight
no winner in sight
the battle rages
despair encages
the world in his hand
sorrow, the simple man
12/7/05