(no subject)
i don't think i've ever been so deeply torn. fear keeps catching in my chest and i can feel my entire soul sink every time it does, which, paired with the doubt that is constantly nipping at my heels, is starting to become a very heavy burden.
what if i'm not good enough?
what if i can't pay my bills?
what if it isn't what i thought it would be?
what if what if what if.
my anxiety doesn't allow me to live in the now. it demands to be fed with what ifs. fears. doubts. worries. aches. never have i so deeply resented mental illness.
on the other hand, this is what i want. isn't that worth chasing? this will (i hope) help me grow, it will change my life. isn't that exactly the type of thing i should be chasing? do i even have any other options besides stagnation? but am i chasing the right thing? why can't i settle?
????
i can't even write properly. i can't do anything. maybe i can't even do this.
what if i'm not good enough?
what if i can't pay my bills?
what if it isn't what i thought it would be?
what if what if what if.
my anxiety doesn't allow me to live in the now. it demands to be fed with what ifs. fears. doubts. worries. aches. never have i so deeply resented mental illness.
on the other hand, this is what i want. isn't that worth chasing? this will (i hope) help me grow, it will change my life. isn't that exactly the type of thing i should be chasing? do i even have any other options besides stagnation? but am i chasing the right thing? why can't i settle?
????
i can't even write properly. i can't do anything. maybe i can't even do this.