Edinburgh: The (Intermediate) Aftermath
This is going to be another bitte mope, I'm afriad, but after all, this is what I created this journal for.
48 Hours from now, I'll be home.
So what is there to say? I definitely chose one of the greatest cities in the world to spend my year abroad in, certainly the best in Scotland. I absolutely love Edinburgh. I love the vibe of the city, I like taking walks in Holyrood Park, I like living close to everything. Studying here, so far, has also been quite rewarding. I learned a lot, I watched a lot of important films and appreciated most of them. The atmosphere in the courses varied but was overall quite good. I think my presentations and essays went well. I like the university, it's different from Germany but a lot of the differences are positive. So I should be satisfied, right?
Well, I'm not. Mostly, I feel utterly and completely lost, because I didn't manage to make any friends here. I didn't manage to build myself a social network I am content with. I did okay with my German co-student for a while, but when all the arrival-problems had been solved I noticed once again how little I actually like her. My flatmates are a bunch of mostly lazy people that you can't reason with. I had the occasional nice moment with some of them (especially Duncan), but I guess I spent more time being angry at dirty dishes, stupid attitudes and no toilet paper than feeling at home in my flat. None of the people from my classes turned out to be people I want to have more than a casual chat about films with. Dean is a nice guy, but he's a 100% geek-nerd, and I guess I need something more than that. There are some very nice people among the exchange students, especially the other ones from Germany that can relate a lot better to many things I feel and notice than people from around here. I had a good time with some of the people from the role playing society, but in the end even they had better stuff to do than deal with a depressed and depressing self-conscious exchange student.
In the end, the joke's on me. Had I invested more effort in meeting up with the people I liked, had I aggressively pursued the goal of finding friends to hang out with independent of regularly scheduled meetings, had I even topped up my mobile phone so I could actually just text or call people every once in a while, I might have had a more social time. Instead, especially over the last few weeks, I retreated more in more into the world of my room and my computer, chatting with my friends from home, missing my girlfriend and complaining. My week became a series of weekly events: university courses, pub quiz, karaoke, band rehearsal, roleplaying session. I did a lot of stuff on my own, went to the cinema, took walks. Apart from that, not much happening.
What happened to me? I used to be very good at making friends wherever I went. I guess it's mostly the strong (and easy) connection to home that has kept me from embracing the opportunities delivered to me here. All I did was waiting for someone to take pity on me, which didn't quite work out, except one, when wilekat took me to the museum.
And it's only logical. Most of the people I met do have friends already, so it should have been down to me to become one of their friends, and not vice versa. I'm not that interesting. In addition, some of the people I really connected to (like Sam) were only visiting for a few days.
So, now I'm actually going home with a bitter feeling in my stomach, being not overly keen on returning. I will return, of course, I am no coward and there would not be much to do for me at home, anyway. But I have to change my attitude when I get back, or else those four months will become miserable and boring.
I'm going to bed now, hating myself, once again.
48 Hours from now, I'll be home.
So what is there to say? I definitely chose one of the greatest cities in the world to spend my year abroad in, certainly the best in Scotland. I absolutely love Edinburgh. I love the vibe of the city, I like taking walks in Holyrood Park, I like living close to everything. Studying here, so far, has also been quite rewarding. I learned a lot, I watched a lot of important films and appreciated most of them. The atmosphere in the courses varied but was overall quite good. I think my presentations and essays went well. I like the university, it's different from Germany but a lot of the differences are positive. So I should be satisfied, right?
Well, I'm not. Mostly, I feel utterly and completely lost, because I didn't manage to make any friends here. I didn't manage to build myself a social network I am content with. I did okay with my German co-student for a while, but when all the arrival-problems had been solved I noticed once again how little I actually like her. My flatmates are a bunch of mostly lazy people that you can't reason with. I had the occasional nice moment with some of them (especially Duncan), but I guess I spent more time being angry at dirty dishes, stupid attitudes and no toilet paper than feeling at home in my flat. None of the people from my classes turned out to be people I want to have more than a casual chat about films with. Dean is a nice guy, but he's a 100% geek-nerd, and I guess I need something more than that. There are some very nice people among the exchange students, especially the other ones from Germany that can relate a lot better to many things I feel and notice than people from around here. I had a good time with some of the people from the role playing society, but in the end even they had better stuff to do than deal with a depressed and depressing self-conscious exchange student.
In the end, the joke's on me. Had I invested more effort in meeting up with the people I liked, had I aggressively pursued the goal of finding friends to hang out with independent of regularly scheduled meetings, had I even topped up my mobile phone so I could actually just text or call people every once in a while, I might have had a more social time. Instead, especially over the last few weeks, I retreated more in more into the world of my room and my computer, chatting with my friends from home, missing my girlfriend and complaining. My week became a series of weekly events: university courses, pub quiz, karaoke, band rehearsal, roleplaying session. I did a lot of stuff on my own, went to the cinema, took walks. Apart from that, not much happening.
What happened to me? I used to be very good at making friends wherever I went. I guess it's mostly the strong (and easy) connection to home that has kept me from embracing the opportunities delivered to me here. All I did was waiting for someone to take pity on me, which didn't quite work out, except one, when wilekat took me to the museum.
And it's only logical. Most of the people I met do have friends already, so it should have been down to me to become one of their friends, and not vice versa. I'm not that interesting. In addition, some of the people I really connected to (like Sam) were only visiting for a few days.
So, now I'm actually going home with a bitter feeling in my stomach, being not overly keen on returning. I will return, of course, I am no coward and there would not be much to do for me at home, anyway. But I have to change my attitude when I get back, or else those four months will become miserable and boring.
I'm going to bed now, hating myself, once again.