Despair
well , here i am again. pouring my heart out to myself! As if i will listen and learn, heh. I'll see.
So whats new, jeanne??
For starters I moved, again. Back to my aunts house. I like it here though, its home-y, my aunt is the best cook, and im the goddaughter so i get speacial treatment. =)
I am searching for a new job. I have a good lead with AMX so im gunna start there.
Moving wasnt exactly something I decided on. I really had no choice. I was renting and the owners sold the house soo yeah had to get the **** out!
David is leaving to Ecuador. Will be there for only two months, but for someone that I see everyday I will surely miss him. =(
I dont have nething inspiring to say, nothing moving or defining! It is what is is. Right now my life has no inertia. I stopped. Im neither floating nor grounded. Im unbalanced. I feel silly.
Im in the same place i was a year ago. I dont think I have learned anything. But then again I have alwaysed been hard on myself.
Im sick of me right now. I cant get away. Im stuck, I love myself but i am annoyed at myself too. I feel right now even as Im typing. that i am useless. I have no purpose, Im continually searching for something that doesnt exist. Constantly wishing and hoping, unrealistic and a dreamer. Ive lost myself, but then again when did i find out who i really was in the first place. I take for granted everything I have, soley because I think I deserve more. BUt when in my life have I worked so hard that I deserve such blessings. I am ruining everything, my body, my soul. My hope is like a shredding string. My self image...ive broken most mirrors i look at, I get fed up trying to look past the reflection, trying to find something better to look at. I am disgusted at what I see, my eyes are tired, lonely, lips havent been touched in so long, i start to cry, and this happens most days, even on a bright and sunny day. I am clinically depressed or just seeing the real me. Maybe I am not destined for anything better, maybe I am just a sad story.
I let myself get hurt too easily, I take too many things personally, even though I know i shouldnt. I let myself get too attached to someone. I mean I have nothing to give to ne one. I have no real lifee. I go through life barely making a difference. Dont have too much money or fancy things. Lots of people say those things dont matter but thats not the case, it makes a big difference.
I love meeting new people, why because Im a fun, outgoing person, a major flirt. maybe but on a deeper level i beleive its because new people ofcourse dont know who i really am. I appear to have the world at my fingertips, everything is in the right place. I am confident, charming, funny, artsy, love all kinds of music, in a way I am mezmerizing, up until someone asks me " so, what do u do? work? Do you study? LOL thats where I loose everyones interest, no one wants to be with me. Ive had quite a few lovers and boyfriends, men dont want what someone else has had, especially when they found out that it really was a bad relationship. Guys like me cause of those reasons and when they find out the real me they are uninterested. Again I feel useless.
I really want to excel but things always go wrong. I want to go to college but i dont know for what plus i have no money or help from my parents. I want a better job but i dont have experiance. its a never ending circle of dissapointment n miscommunication.
I have also many dark thoughts. too dark to say. i am in the dark, there is no light and i dont want to be found. just wither away and die
So whats new, jeanne??
For starters I moved, again. Back to my aunts house. I like it here though, its home-y, my aunt is the best cook, and im the goddaughter so i get speacial treatment. =)
I am searching for a new job. I have a good lead with AMX so im gunna start there.
Moving wasnt exactly something I decided on. I really had no choice. I was renting and the owners sold the house soo yeah had to get the **** out!
David is leaving to Ecuador. Will be there for only two months, but for someone that I see everyday I will surely miss him. =(
I dont have nething inspiring to say, nothing moving or defining! It is what is is. Right now my life has no inertia. I stopped. Im neither floating nor grounded. Im unbalanced. I feel silly.
Im in the same place i was a year ago. I dont think I have learned anything. But then again I have alwaysed been hard on myself.
Im sick of me right now. I cant get away. Im stuck, I love myself but i am annoyed at myself too. I feel right now even as Im typing. that i am useless. I have no purpose, Im continually searching for something that doesnt exist. Constantly wishing and hoping, unrealistic and a dreamer. Ive lost myself, but then again when did i find out who i really was in the first place. I take for granted everything I have, soley because I think I deserve more. BUt when in my life have I worked so hard that I deserve such blessings. I am ruining everything, my body, my soul. My hope is like a shredding string. My self image...ive broken most mirrors i look at, I get fed up trying to look past the reflection, trying to find something better to look at. I am disgusted at what I see, my eyes are tired, lonely, lips havent been touched in so long, i start to cry, and this happens most days, even on a bright and sunny day. I am clinically depressed or just seeing the real me. Maybe I am not destined for anything better, maybe I am just a sad story.
I let myself get hurt too easily, I take too many things personally, even though I know i shouldnt. I let myself get too attached to someone. I mean I have nothing to give to ne one. I have no real lifee. I go through life barely making a difference. Dont have too much money or fancy things. Lots of people say those things dont matter but thats not the case, it makes a big difference.
I love meeting new people, why because Im a fun, outgoing person, a major flirt. maybe but on a deeper level i beleive its because new people ofcourse dont know who i really am. I appear to have the world at my fingertips, everything is in the right place. I am confident, charming, funny, artsy, love all kinds of music, in a way I am mezmerizing, up until someone asks me " so, what do u do? work? Do you study? LOL thats where I loose everyones interest, no one wants to be with me. Ive had quite a few lovers and boyfriends, men dont want what someone else has had, especially when they found out that it really was a bad relationship. Guys like me cause of those reasons and when they find out the real me they are uninterested. Again I feel useless.
I really want to excel but things always go wrong. I want to go to college but i dont know for what plus i have no money or help from my parents. I want a better job but i dont have experiance. its a never ending circle of dissapointment n miscommunication.
I have also many dark thoughts. too dark to say. i am in the dark, there is no light and i dont want to be found. just wither away and die