my story as told by me..
i've made many mistakes in life, more than i'd like to admit. i know when i'm in the wrong, even though i try to block it out of my mind. for the longest time i was untrue to myself and to others. some know me well others do not. i believe there is a time in life when people come to a realization that they are no longer children and when you fall and scrape your knee, there is no one there to hold you and tell you it will be alright. i belive i grew up, somewhere between the time i was getting abused my ex-stepfather, abusing drugs and alchol, maybe even when i was pregnant and lost the only thing i thought i was capable of loving.it could have been in my junior year of high school when i thought i was in love, or maybe even betraying someone who would have been good to me. maybe it was losing too many loved ones as once, stress from hiding at work, or forgetting memories and best friends i promised to remeber forever. whatever it was, it was all lost and left behind the minute i took my first step into the world as tania camarillo- an adult.
i look back on my life and the many things i regret. i'll look back on the years i can't change, the people i couldn't make stay. i'll even look back on the love that i threw away. my life has been a journey up to this point. sometimes the path was easy, with a clear pathway and a clear blue sky, and other times it hasn't been so sweet. i've had my fair share of pain, anguish, hurt, and the feeling of wanting to belong. i've always felt aside from myself as if i was watching my world go on, but from the outside. a part of me has never been whole and it was something i longed to fill, an empty space with no reason, no love and no feeling, just a whole in the body of the shattered girl that i am. I am still young and i have much to live for and much to offer, i'm still living my life day by day, not knowing when something could happen and my words and breathe can be lost forever. i want to be honest with myself and with others. i want people to see me for the real me, the one who doesn't hide behind a desk at work, a fake smile at the end of the day, or a bandaged heart begging to bleed relief. i am me. it may not be enough for me at the end of the day to look in the mirror and figure out who i am, but i'm trying. i'm overcoming my fears, trying new things, and loving new people. its only a matter of time before i learn to love myself, for who i truly am, the lost and unknowing adult in training.
i look back on my life and the many things i regret. i'll look back on the years i can't change, the people i couldn't make stay. i'll even look back on the love that i threw away. my life has been a journey up to this point. sometimes the path was easy, with a clear pathway and a clear blue sky, and other times it hasn't been so sweet. i've had my fair share of pain, anguish, hurt, and the feeling of wanting to belong. i've always felt aside from myself as if i was watching my world go on, but from the outside. a part of me has never been whole and it was something i longed to fill, an empty space with no reason, no love and no feeling, just a whole in the body of the shattered girl that i am. I am still young and i have much to live for and much to offer, i'm still living my life day by day, not knowing when something could happen and my words and breathe can be lost forever. i want to be honest with myself and with others. i want people to see me for the real me, the one who doesn't hide behind a desk at work, a fake smile at the end of the day, or a bandaged heart begging to bleed relief. i am me. it may not be enough for me at the end of the day to look in the mirror and figure out who i am, but i'm trying. i'm overcoming my fears, trying new things, and loving new people. its only a matter of time before i learn to love myself, for who i truly am, the lost and unknowing adult in training.