i miss her
this is fuckin crazy. like being torn in various directions, quartered emotionally. when ive seen her lately, ive felt an instant longing, like a wild animal in a cage reminded of its once felt freedom. but it's also paired with resentment. not towards her, but a general feeling, maybe towards not getting my way. i feel i got the short end of the stick coming out of this relationship. she says i should get angry at people, but does she want me to get angry at her for following her heart's desire? that's what brought her towards me in the first place. how can i be angry at someone for doing what i wish i had enough courage to do myself? so instead, these feelings stay inside, not finding any convincing target outside of my stomach, and the pains persist.
whenever i feel this, i should remember the argument we had--that long drawn out affair that wasn't really resolved--that showed me i could never really agree with her in the long run. i was so pumped when we had the convo about being open minded and how she is turned off by ppl who are not open minded. and then she goes and is totally and puposefully closed minded towards that whole situation. that totally blew away chuncks of the esteem i had for her.
but then i realize that i only know that i dont get along with her so well because i am so close to her and we get along great. and i am sucked back into her fold, which she has so carefully constructed for me and which is so comfortable, the most comfort ive felt since being with val. no matter to what extent i dislike aspects of her personality, i know that i love her, that she is a wonderful friend, and that right now she is the best friend i've got.
whenever i feel this, i should remember the argument we had--that long drawn out affair that wasn't really resolved--that showed me i could never really agree with her in the long run. i was so pumped when we had the convo about being open minded and how she is turned off by ppl who are not open minded. and then she goes and is totally and puposefully closed minded towards that whole situation. that totally blew away chuncks of the esteem i had for her.
but then i realize that i only know that i dont get along with her so well because i am so close to her and we get along great. and i am sucked back into her fold, which she has so carefully constructed for me and which is so comfortable, the most comfort ive felt since being with val. no matter to what extent i dislike aspects of her personality, i know that i love her, that she is a wonderful friend, and that right now she is the best friend i've got.