(no subject)
...alright. So. I guess I should have written something on this sooner. Since, you know, I'm playing the whore and all.
Alright. Let's recap what happened.
Ryuuken and Gojyo effectively double-teamed Ikkaku the other day. Prior to that, Ikkaku was procrastinating like hell--he basically sat around and was depressed--and, frankly, he was kicked up off of his ass and told to get a move on. Straw that broke the camel's back, and that lot. Under emotional duress, Ikkaku went slightly insane that night. He was in a good mood after Yumichika interfered and ended that--he was like a ray of sunshine that burns skin cancer patients. He was made aware of the fact that he had to live up to the ramifications of a few poorly-made decisions, and he looked on his situation and he found it sort of funny. He took a slow dive off the deep end, effectively dismissed Yumichika's attempts to snap him out of it, and vacationed in the woods for some quality time with his thoughts. He came back to a mentally regressed Rey, who managed in his state to tip off George about to his and Ikkaku's relationship. George confronted, and he talked a lot but managed not to say anything. Which takes us to yesterday's post.
Essentially, Ikkaku has commitment issues. Except they're not exactly issues because he finds them less burdensome than commitment itself. For several hundred years, the only consistent faces in his life have been Yumichika's, Yachiru's, Kenpachi's, and Renji's, and that's...really all he's ever needed. And I'm going to have to say that this is all he really ever will need, because his world is pretty much his division, and that's not the kind of thing that can be changed so easily. Ikkaku is not a creature of change. Ripple effects, and that lot. I do believe Ikkaku's been in a fair share of serious relationships--for the record, he strikes me as the type who would pine hopelessly for noblewomen only to get shot down like a bird struck by lightning, and that would be after wasting paycheck after paycheck on her even after she tells him to bugger the hell off--but in the end he's not...really marriageable. He simply won't be tied down. His world revolves around his division and killing bitches--romance is something surplus.
In a nutshell, he's a bit...inconsiderate for love. Ryuuken asked him if he loved Rey, and his brain, in essence, farted. Ikkaku honestly believes he isn't capable of that level of emotional depth, and accepts it as a plain and simple fact. He knows he can't be desperate for someone else and someone else's sake. It doesn't bother him. I do believe he will enter a relationship for physical gratification, or emotional gratification, either for himself or the other person, and I have stated before that I'm fairly certain he would take a very zen approach to being used.
Now, George and Ikkaku have been throwing around the idea of George going to Soul Society, and honestly? Ikkaku doesn't think it's a good idea--the whole fiasco with Morrigan pretty much confirmed it for him, that her kind of dead and his kind of dead were a bit too different, and he really, really doesn't think she would be happy. Ikkaku does care about George, and last night he treaded softly on her feelings, didn't waste time being surprised when she brought up Rey, and notably he didn't tell her the whole truth--about how he felt about Rey, and about how the subjects she was bringing up and the manner in which she was bringing them up freaked the hell out of him.
Ikkaku has been a happy, dead man for quite some time. He knows she's been dead for almost a year, right down to the day. And she brought up commitment, and every single one of Ikkaku's rational nerves said no, and suddenly he was on edge.
Let's take a look at what the past few centuries have probably been for Ikkaku: his division, fighting, fucking, and, yeah, drinking. Ikkaku is not a character in an ABC sitcom--commitment is not an obstacle he must righteously trample. We are looking at a man whose sole goal in life is to die under his captain's command. He giggles when people try to rip him a new one.
Basically, warning bells went off in Ikkaku's head. He tried to express these concerns, telling her that she shouldn't be so ready to settle down so quickly after dying, that she's got a long afterlife ahead of her and that she should spend more of it really doing things instead of bumming around with him, and these are all natural facts in his head. He's avoiding hurting her as much as possible, yeah, sure, but the fact still stands clearer than ever that he can't be what she wants or needs.
In his conversation with George, Ikkaku also got across a few of his niggling worries about Rey.
Now, in regards to Rey, Ikkaku...had no fucking idea what's going on. Because Ikkaku has no idea what goes on in Rey's head. Because Ikkaku doesn't ask those kinds of questions.
In truth, that relationship was probably far less destructive than Ikkaku thinks it was. Ikkaku cares about Rey. A lot. Rey is one of Ikkaku's most important people in camp. Ikkaku has developed a bit of a fixation. Ikkaku backs himself into corners when it comes to Rey. He'd do a lot for Rey. And...sometime last night, a lot of his fears were put at rest. He's happier than he's been for quite some time, every other issue seeming that much less significant in comparison to the fact that Rey actually gives a damn about him. When I begin my hiatus, chances are Ikkaku will leave camp in high spirits.
How would Yumichika factor into this? More than one would think. The thing is, back when Yumichika confronted him about his affair with Rey, he attributed that sort of emotional response to the fact that he'd lied, not the fact that it was Rey. Death alerted him to the fact that Yumichika's feelings were getting hurt. He responded to this statement by explaining how their partnership works. Essentially, he believes that they operate as follows: Yumichika doesn't get in his way, and he doesn't get in Yumichika's.
What does he know, no matter how much he ignores it? That Yumichika would disapprove of a relationship between Ikkaku and Rey--and that's putting it mildly. But something has to happen apart from Yumichika yelling that he hates Rey. Which he has already done. That piece of information, that Yumichika genuinely doesn't want this thing between Ikkaku and Rey to happen--Ikkaku has to be made very, very strongly aware of it. Because no matter what he says--that Yumichika is not his reason for doing anything, that he's supposed to be able to do what he wants--he does not want to hurt Yumichika. Ever. Yumichika is the most important person in Ikkaku's life at the end of it all. He believes that they're not dependent on one another, so when he goes the extra mile for Yumichika he will outright tell someone that it's because he wants to, because he wants Yumichika there, not because he feels obligated to. He really has to be told, he has to be shown, he has to realize what he's doing to people because it's too easy for him to pretend that it's just not happening. He loves Yumichika as much as he's capable. He'd do anything for Yumichika, he's done everything for Yumichika, but he doesn't know what any of that really means.
Because--and he's said this in camp before--the word "love" has never really been part of his vocabulary. He can recognize it easily enough in other people, though. Take the night Yumichika flipped out over Ikkaku keeping his fling with Rey a secret, for example. Video tape it, doodle in little stick figures in Yumichika's and Ikkaku's places, censor a few names, change a few things and show it to Ikkaku and he will tell you that is the gayest thing he's ever seen.
He's special that way.
Ikkaku doesn't respond well to outside pressure, mind. Death tells him that she doesn't like the way Yumichika is being affected by his actions, and for a very brief moment it didn't matter that she was Death and his mommy figure and probably the most important thing to him in the world--he wanted to tell her to bugger off. Because, really? If someone else calls him on it, he'll relegate that person to someone who simply doesn't understand how they work, how they've worked. The only person he'll listen to about Yumichika's feelings is Yumichika himself.
I mean, come on. Ikkaku would rather you believe that if Yumichika said "I don't want you to be with Rey or who-fucking-ever," he would reply with "tough luck". Would he actually respond that way? Like hell. Give the man some credit.
So he told George he doesn't think he can be what she needs. He told Rey he doesn't think he can be what Rey needs. What's the difference?
It gets a little difficult to explain from here. For Rey, he's always figured it was simply a matter of being there, and it was simple enough when their relationship was simple, but he found even that tough to handle after he became aware of just how much he cared--when he brought this up with Rey last night, he said he wasn't being given enough "standing room". He was wearing himself out back then, pretty much, expending a lot of effort and emotions and beginning to feel like it wasn't worth it. When Rey said that he had no future, it bothered the hell out of Ikkaku. Later, Ikkaku would affirm to Ryuuken that he wanted Rey to be happy, but he had no idea if he was at all capable of contributing to that--he said he'd like to, but he thought he couldn't. He was tired, and depressed, but even if Rey was emotionally exhausting him he would later tell Gojyo that it was still difficult to think about anything else.
Basically, he would get across that kind of feeling, that sense of an inability to provide emotionally, to George, and know in his heart of hearts that it's true, that he can't be what she needs, and he'll want to leave it at that because he doesn't want to hurt her. It makes perfect sense to him, even if she doesn't understand, and he knows that even if he tries no one's going to walk away from that kind of thing unharmed--that he'll wear himself thin trying to be someone he can't be and doesn't necessarily want to be for her. He told Gojyo that she cared too much about things for which he cared too little.
When it comes to Rey, his expression of that helplessness isn't accompanied with the same simple if grim acceptance he feels when he brings it up with George. Actually, when he mentioned it to Rey last night he was in a rather despairing mood. He knows George will be alright, he knows there are people who will take care of George, he knows George has a future, but for the most part he doesn't know any of these things in regards to Rey, and he wants those things for Rey, and he cares, and basically he's a great big idiot but he's got good intentions, in the end. And last night Rey pissed him off because it seemed as though Rey was affirming every insecurity he'd ever had about the state of their relationship. He wanted to hear that he hadn't wasted his time, and, no, dammit, the great make-out sessions were actually not on their own worth lying to Yumichika and sneaking around and emotionally draining himself by giving a damn. He was pretty upset, and, actually, if Rey hadn't kissed him first he might have punched Rey in the face.
And, well, their relationship's stabilized itself. Ikkaku's happy.
So Rikuou passed along information in regards to George's own situation with Ikkaku. It took a bit for that to sink in, but when it did Ikkaku was actually vaguely offended, because frankly he'd felt like an utter bastard and suddenly he found out that he "wasn't the only one who lied," in accordance to what he told Gojyo. The news didn't make him happy. The news didn't really make him angry, either. He was just...surprised. And vaguely annoyed. Rikuou also told him that the other guys George was interested in were going to hurt her somewhere along the line one way or another, and he thought, Well, shit, and didn't want that to influence whatever choice he had to make because it might have been the same thing as feeling sorry for her, and he's pretty well aware that would be a crappy foundation for a relationship that would need more than he's capable of shelling out.
So, yeah, I like to think Ikkaku knows who he's coming back to when he leaves camp.
Ikkaku is one fucked up son of a bitch.
Of course, there are two people that can majorly fuck over all of these recent developments: Yumichika and Dullindal. Who just happen to respectively be the two central figures in Ikkaku's and Rey's lives.
And, well.
Alright, I'm going to withhold my views on those subjects for now, aside from what I've already said about how Yumichika does and doesn't factor into Ikkaku's decisions. Except. Shit. That's going to be exciting.
And, of course, everything is probably far more or far less complicated than I'm making it out to be. Alas. Such is the way of people, even dead ones with death wishes and no foresight whatsoever. So I suppose the only thing left to do is to take this write-up with a grain of salt.
And...here. I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead by Weird Al Yankovic. Because you deserve something if you made it this far, you whore.
Alright. Let's recap what happened.
Ryuuken and Gojyo effectively double-teamed Ikkaku the other day. Prior to that, Ikkaku was procrastinating like hell--he basically sat around and was depressed--and, frankly, he was kicked up off of his ass and told to get a move on. Straw that broke the camel's back, and that lot. Under emotional duress, Ikkaku went slightly insane that night. He was in a good mood after Yumichika interfered and ended that--he was like a ray of sunshine that burns skin cancer patients. He was made aware of the fact that he had to live up to the ramifications of a few poorly-made decisions, and he looked on his situation and he found it sort of funny. He took a slow dive off the deep end, effectively dismissed Yumichika's attempts to snap him out of it, and vacationed in the woods for some quality time with his thoughts. He came back to a mentally regressed Rey, who managed in his state to tip off George about to his and Ikkaku's relationship. George confronted, and he talked a lot but managed not to say anything. Which takes us to yesterday's post.
Essentially, Ikkaku has commitment issues. Except they're not exactly issues because he finds them less burdensome than commitment itself. For several hundred years, the only consistent faces in his life have been Yumichika's, Yachiru's, Kenpachi's, and Renji's, and that's...really all he's ever needed. And I'm going to have to say that this is all he really ever will need, because his world is pretty much his division, and that's not the kind of thing that can be changed so easily. Ikkaku is not a creature of change. Ripple effects, and that lot. I do believe Ikkaku's been in a fair share of serious relationships--for the record, he strikes me as the type who would pine hopelessly for noblewomen only to get shot down like a bird struck by lightning, and that would be after wasting paycheck after paycheck on her even after she tells him to bugger the hell off--but in the end he's not...really marriageable. He simply won't be tied down. His world revolves around his division and killing bitches--romance is something surplus.
In a nutshell, he's a bit...inconsiderate for love. Ryuuken asked him if he loved Rey, and his brain, in essence, farted. Ikkaku honestly believes he isn't capable of that level of emotional depth, and accepts it as a plain and simple fact. He knows he can't be desperate for someone else and someone else's sake. It doesn't bother him. I do believe he will enter a relationship for physical gratification, or emotional gratification, either for himself or the other person, and I have stated before that I'm fairly certain he would take a very zen approach to being used.
Now, George and Ikkaku have been throwing around the idea of George going to Soul Society, and honestly? Ikkaku doesn't think it's a good idea--the whole fiasco with Morrigan pretty much confirmed it for him, that her kind of dead and his kind of dead were a bit too different, and he really, really doesn't think she would be happy. Ikkaku does care about George, and last night he treaded softly on her feelings, didn't waste time being surprised when she brought up Rey, and notably he didn't tell her the whole truth--about how he felt about Rey, and about how the subjects she was bringing up and the manner in which she was bringing them up freaked the hell out of him.
Ikkaku has been a happy, dead man for quite some time. He knows she's been dead for almost a year, right down to the day. And she brought up commitment, and every single one of Ikkaku's rational nerves said no, and suddenly he was on edge.
Let's take a look at what the past few centuries have probably been for Ikkaku: his division, fighting, fucking, and, yeah, drinking. Ikkaku is not a character in an ABC sitcom--commitment is not an obstacle he must righteously trample. We are looking at a man whose sole goal in life is to die under his captain's command. He giggles when people try to rip him a new one.
Basically, warning bells went off in Ikkaku's head. He tried to express these concerns, telling her that she shouldn't be so ready to settle down so quickly after dying, that she's got a long afterlife ahead of her and that she should spend more of it really doing things instead of bumming around with him, and these are all natural facts in his head. He's avoiding hurting her as much as possible, yeah, sure, but the fact still stands clearer than ever that he can't be what she wants or needs.
In his conversation with George, Ikkaku also got across a few of his niggling worries about Rey.
Now, in regards to Rey, Ikkaku...had no fucking idea what's going on. Because Ikkaku has no idea what goes on in Rey's head. Because Ikkaku doesn't ask those kinds of questions.
In truth, that relationship was probably far less destructive than Ikkaku thinks it was. Ikkaku cares about Rey. A lot. Rey is one of Ikkaku's most important people in camp. Ikkaku has developed a bit of a fixation. Ikkaku backs himself into corners when it comes to Rey. He'd do a lot for Rey. And...sometime last night, a lot of his fears were put at rest. He's happier than he's been for quite some time, every other issue seeming that much less significant in comparison to the fact that Rey actually gives a damn about him. When I begin my hiatus, chances are Ikkaku will leave camp in high spirits.
How would Yumichika factor into this? More than one would think. The thing is, back when Yumichika confronted him about his affair with Rey, he attributed that sort of emotional response to the fact that he'd lied, not the fact that it was Rey. Death alerted him to the fact that Yumichika's feelings were getting hurt. He responded to this statement by explaining how their partnership works. Essentially, he believes that they operate as follows: Yumichika doesn't get in his way, and he doesn't get in Yumichika's.
What does he know, no matter how much he ignores it? That Yumichika would disapprove of a relationship between Ikkaku and Rey--and that's putting it mildly. But something has to happen apart from Yumichika yelling that he hates Rey. Which he has already done. That piece of information, that Yumichika genuinely doesn't want this thing between Ikkaku and Rey to happen--Ikkaku has to be made very, very strongly aware of it. Because no matter what he says--that Yumichika is not his reason for doing anything, that he's supposed to be able to do what he wants--he does not want to hurt Yumichika. Ever. Yumichika is the most important person in Ikkaku's life at the end of it all. He believes that they're not dependent on one another, so when he goes the extra mile for Yumichika he will outright tell someone that it's because he wants to, because he wants Yumichika there, not because he feels obligated to. He really has to be told, he has to be shown, he has to realize what he's doing to people because it's too easy for him to pretend that it's just not happening. He loves Yumichika as much as he's capable. He'd do anything for Yumichika, he's done everything for Yumichika, but he doesn't know what any of that really means.
Because--and he's said this in camp before--the word "love" has never really been part of his vocabulary. He can recognize it easily enough in other people, though. Take the night Yumichika flipped out over Ikkaku keeping his fling with Rey a secret, for example. Video tape it, doodle in little stick figures in Yumichika's and Ikkaku's places, censor a few names, change a few things and show it to Ikkaku and he will tell you that is the gayest thing he's ever seen.
He's special that way.
Ikkaku doesn't respond well to outside pressure, mind. Death tells him that she doesn't like the way Yumichika is being affected by his actions, and for a very brief moment it didn't matter that she was Death and his mommy figure and probably the most important thing to him in the world--he wanted to tell her to bugger off. Because, really? If someone else calls him on it, he'll relegate that person to someone who simply doesn't understand how they work, how they've worked. The only person he'll listen to about Yumichika's feelings is Yumichika himself.
I mean, come on. Ikkaku would rather you believe that if Yumichika said "I don't want you to be with Rey or who-fucking-ever," he would reply with "tough luck". Would he actually respond that way? Like hell. Give the man some credit.
So he told George he doesn't think he can be what she needs. He told Rey he doesn't think he can be what Rey needs. What's the difference?
It gets a little difficult to explain from here. For Rey, he's always figured it was simply a matter of being there, and it was simple enough when their relationship was simple, but he found even that tough to handle after he became aware of just how much he cared--when he brought this up with Rey last night, he said he wasn't being given enough "standing room". He was wearing himself out back then, pretty much, expending a lot of effort and emotions and beginning to feel like it wasn't worth it. When Rey said that he had no future, it bothered the hell out of Ikkaku. Later, Ikkaku would affirm to Ryuuken that he wanted Rey to be happy, but he had no idea if he was at all capable of contributing to that--he said he'd like to, but he thought he couldn't. He was tired, and depressed, but even if Rey was emotionally exhausting him he would later tell Gojyo that it was still difficult to think about anything else.
Basically, he would get across that kind of feeling, that sense of an inability to provide emotionally, to George, and know in his heart of hearts that it's true, that he can't be what she needs, and he'll want to leave it at that because he doesn't want to hurt her. It makes perfect sense to him, even if she doesn't understand, and he knows that even if he tries no one's going to walk away from that kind of thing unharmed--that he'll wear himself thin trying to be someone he can't be and doesn't necessarily want to be for her. He told Gojyo that she cared too much about things for which he cared too little.
When it comes to Rey, his expression of that helplessness isn't accompanied with the same simple if grim acceptance he feels when he brings it up with George. Actually, when he mentioned it to Rey last night he was in a rather despairing mood. He knows George will be alright, he knows there are people who will take care of George, he knows George has a future, but for the most part he doesn't know any of these things in regards to Rey, and he wants those things for Rey, and he cares, and basically he's a great big idiot but he's got good intentions, in the end. And last night Rey pissed him off because it seemed as though Rey was affirming every insecurity he'd ever had about the state of their relationship. He wanted to hear that he hadn't wasted his time, and, no, dammit, the great make-out sessions were actually not on their own worth lying to Yumichika and sneaking around and emotionally draining himself by giving a damn. He was pretty upset, and, actually, if Rey hadn't kissed him first he might have punched Rey in the face.
And, well, their relationship's stabilized itself. Ikkaku's happy.
So Rikuou passed along information in regards to George's own situation with Ikkaku. It took a bit for that to sink in, but when it did Ikkaku was actually vaguely offended, because frankly he'd felt like an utter bastard and suddenly he found out that he "wasn't the only one who lied," in accordance to what he told Gojyo. The news didn't make him happy. The news didn't really make him angry, either. He was just...surprised. And vaguely annoyed. Rikuou also told him that the other guys George was interested in were going to hurt her somewhere along the line one way or another, and he thought, Well, shit, and didn't want that to influence whatever choice he had to make because it might have been the same thing as feeling sorry for her, and he's pretty well aware that would be a crappy foundation for a relationship that would need more than he's capable of shelling out.
So, yeah, I like to think Ikkaku knows who he's coming back to when he leaves camp.
Ikkaku is one fucked up son of a bitch.
Of course, there are two people that can majorly fuck over all of these recent developments: Yumichika and Dullindal. Who just happen to respectively be the two central figures in Ikkaku's and Rey's lives.
And, well.
Alright, I'm going to withhold my views on those subjects for now, aside from what I've already said about how Yumichika does and doesn't factor into Ikkaku's decisions. Except. Shit. That's going to be exciting.
And, of course, everything is probably far more or far less complicated than I'm making it out to be. Alas. Such is the way of people, even dead ones with death wishes and no foresight whatsoever. So I suppose the only thing left to do is to take this write-up with a grain of salt.
And...here. I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead by Weird Al Yankovic. Because you deserve something if you made it this far, you whore.