Carnivorous Earwig
So... This is an update for those of you who read my journal like me... Or think I’m a huge looser who tries to hard. Either way, enjoy...
I have been trying to get in shape but I seem to keep gaining “flab” and I wish it were my imagination. Cycling swimming and trying to jog when I need to go some where. Keeping my head shaved for no reason other than I don’t like my own hair.
Brendan has the worlds coolest internship.
God help me I am destroying another girl, if she doesn't destroy me first.
I feel stupid and generally incompetent and unconfident. No sense of self, doesn't even feel like Im living for me. “Boy for sale”.
This city smells incredible. I have never been anywhere in which if it doesn't smell like flowers it smells like fire places or hand made soap. I am very home sick. At this point Im sure home does not miss me. The last 2 months I spent there were isolating except for Tracey who kept me in touch with my social skills (or lack of).
I broke my camera, dropped it in a 6 inch deep puddle/rocky crevasse. I was generally unaffected by its destruction. I don’t cling or bond to objects the was I’ve notice some people do. When it is gone, it is gone. Too late for “should have’s “. If it were not mine though it would be another story, I would be ripping my hair out. The part that sucks though is that I can’t capture the moments I would love to post here.
Missed out of a road trip to seattle, better luck next time. Stupid answering machine!
Plans for new tattooage coming about.
I was invited out tonight for social drinking (the only kind I will participate in now), but I couldn't bring myself to pay cover for a pretty short amount of time I could actually spend there. But thank you Steph for inviting me.
Flew a plane.
Bijoux has moved and I cannot find her now.
This next part is for all the “You’s” like Tracey does:
You don’t think I miss you or really care but the truth is I do a lot. I am thinking about you right now actually.
You want me to be more but I don’t think I can be nor do I want to try. It’’s not that I don’t think your smart and attractive, it more that I don’t have room or feel the connection.
I wanted to make a connection with you so badly. We were okay. It never felt 100% but it was too good too pass up. You weren't open and I just couldn’t open. I held you too high and you didn’t hold me anywhere to asses my damage which is how I wanted to see you.
And I miss hanging out so much with YOU! We drank to much and ended up in crazy places with our crazy “friends”. I hope no one is treating you badly because you have been through enough. Enough to recognize what they are doing to you if you choose to see it.
Why am I hurting you even when I give you everything? Why can’t I trust you? Why do I care about the way others trusted you? Why are you such an asshole to others you don’t know? Also why do I feel like you have wronged me somehow so early?
I pressed flowers to send you in the mail today (yeah Im masculine). Where are you?
Okay enough of that.
This new city isn’t big enough for me to look down while biking and get lost in the gutters and storm drains where human blood and teeth run. Like I miss the city that is alive with real heart beats and real cancer.
I think I am going to have a bath and wash off another layer of Paul before I get too pretentious
I have been trying to get in shape but I seem to keep gaining “flab” and I wish it were my imagination. Cycling swimming and trying to jog when I need to go some where. Keeping my head shaved for no reason other than I don’t like my own hair.
Brendan has the worlds coolest internship.
God help me I am destroying another girl, if she doesn't destroy me first.
I feel stupid and generally incompetent and unconfident. No sense of self, doesn't even feel like Im living for me. “Boy for sale”.
This city smells incredible. I have never been anywhere in which if it doesn't smell like flowers it smells like fire places or hand made soap. I am very home sick. At this point Im sure home does not miss me. The last 2 months I spent there were isolating except for Tracey who kept me in touch with my social skills (or lack of).
I broke my camera, dropped it in a 6 inch deep puddle/rocky crevasse. I was generally unaffected by its destruction. I don’t cling or bond to objects the was I’ve notice some people do. When it is gone, it is gone. Too late for “should have’s “. If it were not mine though it would be another story, I would be ripping my hair out. The part that sucks though is that I can’t capture the moments I would love to post here.
Missed out of a road trip to seattle, better luck next time. Stupid answering machine!
Plans for new tattooage coming about.
I was invited out tonight for social drinking (the only kind I will participate in now), but I couldn't bring myself to pay cover for a pretty short amount of time I could actually spend there. But thank you Steph for inviting me.
Flew a plane.
Bijoux has moved and I cannot find her now.
This next part is for all the “You’s” like Tracey does:
You don’t think I miss you or really care but the truth is I do a lot. I am thinking about you right now actually.
You want me to be more but I don’t think I can be nor do I want to try. It’’s not that I don’t think your smart and attractive, it more that I don’t have room or feel the connection.
I wanted to make a connection with you so badly. We were okay. It never felt 100% but it was too good too pass up. You weren't open and I just couldn’t open. I held you too high and you didn’t hold me anywhere to asses my damage which is how I wanted to see you.
And I miss hanging out so much with YOU! We drank to much and ended up in crazy places with our crazy “friends”. I hope no one is treating you badly because you have been through enough. Enough to recognize what they are doing to you if you choose to see it.
Why am I hurting you even when I give you everything? Why can’t I trust you? Why do I care about the way others trusted you? Why are you such an asshole to others you don’t know? Also why do I feel like you have wronged me somehow so early?
I pressed flowers to send you in the mail today (yeah Im masculine). Where are you?
Okay enough of that.
This new city isn’t big enough for me to look down while biking and get lost in the gutters and storm drains where human blood and teeth run. Like I miss the city that is alive with real heart beats and real cancer.
I think I am going to have a bath and wash off another layer of Paul before I get too pretentious