pin pricks and light floating down
In the spackled gaps of time, I force push pins through the darkness. The light subdued, after all these years, screams like a soul in flight from all that is cruel and dares to slip through the damage I make. None of it makes sense, after all.
Don't persuade me to see beyond the scars rising no higher than my knees. The pain is old, so familiar but old and I dance like a banshee through the mist of dreams. Don't go there they say - they who know nothing of the rumpled disarray. Who are they anyway, those people who tell me always, "Don't go" they say but nothing translates through my pig latin schemes and schizophrenic scenes. Dance away, sing in public, make those who linger drift away through the sheer force in my oddity, the sheer delight in the audacity of being me. Dare me, I dare you. No, don't walk away.
Go. Don't stay. I can't make up my mind anymore. There is light in the crack, just at the edge of the door. If I were waifish I could slip through and disappear only to reappear on the opposite side of everything that looks like what I left inside. Nothing changes and nothing is seamless. There are gaps in time where push pins break through but the light is weak and nothing more than a mimic of the starlight I remember once upon a time. The starlight of hillsides and misty summer nights, of breaking curfew and tasting the lips of someone I just met. But what does that mean now that I am here, funneling through yet another scare of my self-made mind, my whirling disguises. I look good, don't I, when the moment is just right, when the light hits me and I reflect just so and I see me there in a mirror from years ago.
But who is that staring back? Is it boy? Is it girl? Does it hurt inside where the truth lies?
Oh god does it ever. I want to break free. Fuck this world and its insanity. I am nowhere. I am here. These places want to disappear, constantly. No place for me. No category. I want to fade like the gloaming light. Be beautiful, magical, fleeting and still. I want the swirling sights to steady now, steady boys. Girls are you ready. Now disappear. Disappear into the light. The dancing light that calms my head. The dancing light that fills me with a moment, a fleeting moment, a moment magical and beautiful and still. The dancing light fills me. Makes me whole. I could have been a dancer. I could have been. But now I stumble though two worlds with two left feet, with no idea what to call myself other than me. That could be good enough. For now it will do. For now I will continue to force push pins through and beneath the dribble of light filtering down just so, I will open my mouth and quench my thirst with the answers that escape through the holes made in time. Drink now. Drink.
Don't persuade me to see beyond the scars rising no higher than my knees. The pain is old, so familiar but old and I dance like a banshee through the mist of dreams. Don't go there they say - they who know nothing of the rumpled disarray. Who are they anyway, those people who tell me always, "Don't go" they say but nothing translates through my pig latin schemes and schizophrenic scenes. Dance away, sing in public, make those who linger drift away through the sheer force in my oddity, the sheer delight in the audacity of being me. Dare me, I dare you. No, don't walk away.
Go. Don't stay. I can't make up my mind anymore. There is light in the crack, just at the edge of the door. If I were waifish I could slip through and disappear only to reappear on the opposite side of everything that looks like what I left inside. Nothing changes and nothing is seamless. There are gaps in time where push pins break through but the light is weak and nothing more than a mimic of the starlight I remember once upon a time. The starlight of hillsides and misty summer nights, of breaking curfew and tasting the lips of someone I just met. But what does that mean now that I am here, funneling through yet another scare of my self-made mind, my whirling disguises. I look good, don't I, when the moment is just right, when the light hits me and I reflect just so and I see me there in a mirror from years ago.
But who is that staring back? Is it boy? Is it girl? Does it hurt inside where the truth lies?
Oh god does it ever. I want to break free. Fuck this world and its insanity. I am nowhere. I am here. These places want to disappear, constantly. No place for me. No category. I want to fade like the gloaming light. Be beautiful, magical, fleeting and still. I want the swirling sights to steady now, steady boys. Girls are you ready. Now disappear. Disappear into the light. The dancing light that calms my head. The dancing light that fills me with a moment, a fleeting moment, a moment magical and beautiful and still. The dancing light fills me. Makes me whole. I could have been a dancer. I could have been. But now I stumble though two worlds with two left feet, with no idea what to call myself other than me. That could be good enough. For now it will do. For now I will continue to force push pins through and beneath the dribble of light filtering down just so, I will open my mouth and quench my thirst with the answers that escape through the holes made in time. Drink now. Drink.