Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.
I've come to hate that buzzing car that goes and stops and goes and stops, making it's routine delivery of the journal around 3:20 am. Seem's ive heard it more than i care to lately.
I think i've gotten my days and nights mixed up pretty much, i'll go to bed around 1 or so, but i cant' sleep, all i do is think and worry. My matress is uncomfortable, i'm thinking about the things i didn't get done, the things i still need to do, how i'm gonna pay the bills this month, wondering when their going to shut the power off at the kids dads , worring that i won't get this weight off, hell i'm worring about why the cat isn't in tonight on my bed sleeping, and then try to find answers to all these questions. Mostly i think i have my days and nights mixed up, sure as hell isn't menopause.
Tonight i went over to the kids' dads and made him take a shower, he's one of them people who just won't, his mother don't either, she just sponge bathes. But he is pretty ill, he's pretty lazy most time too, and that's probably the reason.. anyway, his legs have gotten real bad again so he know's it's time to go back into the hospital again and get the swelling down and the ulcers take care of, his calves are as large as his thighs from the cellulitis. He's been running a high fever so i suspect infection in the legs. So i ran to walmart to get him some slippers, socks and some new underwear and then returned to persue the shower onto him, so he could go to the hospital tonight, well after two hours of pushing to get him into the bathroom and then another 45 minutes of him trying to get his shoe off.. i went in and helped him cut his shoe off, there was so much swelling, and the infection was thick into his shoes from the drainage and shit. It was extremely gross, While he was in there he begged me not to take him tonight and that he would do anything if i would just wait until tomorow, dinner needed made and he was going to take a while, so i agreed, so he finally got into the shower and sat in the shower chair for about 45 minutes washing himself, he then got out. I went in and bandaged up both his legs and helped him get dressed. By the time he was finished he could barely stand and walk out of the bathroom, and was in a lot of pain.
I sat my youngest down to watch "Horton hears' a who" and finished dinner. Got their dad his pain meds and went home only to start all over again tomorow, he just don't like going to the hospital. Can't blame him much.
I can't beleive i'm having so much trouble finding a job. ive worked solid for the last year and a half and now i'm unemployable? I've never had trouble getting a job (except after the TIA's). There's a cable company in town that is opening a new call center, i found how to get my app in there so i'll apply for that as soon as i can. I've applied at all the call centers and even at the hospitals.
Finally found my art bag, depressingly it was in my car all this time where i thought it was, sadly however, my daughter took the top off my car one day last week and it wasn't put back on corrrectly and the ran poured into my car and soaked anything that was in there. my art bag was behind the seat in the cubby back there where the top goes when it's down. Good news is, i found my pencils and paints and brushes.. bad news is, so was all my paintings and drawings and they were soaked. I didn't even open it up beyond looking at the soaked paintings.
Seems to be the story of my life, most of everything i have has been either locked away in storage or ruined. I'm pretty fed up with living with other people now and not having a place for my own things. I've made up my mind that it don't matter what size it is, when i get my next job, i'm moving out and on my own. I'll do without everything else, so long as i can pay my bills and have my kids with me.
I'm getting closer to quitting smoking again, with summer comming i assume it will just happen, but lately i've been coughing like an asthma cough and smoking like a train without satisfaction. Thank God i don't drink, i'd be the town whore. ok that was funny here.
Ok enough dread for now, i've gotten it off my chest.
I was reading a friends blog she seems to post every day and had mentioned moving her blog to another place. I think i'm going to do the same. But it's pretty difficult to find a place to put not only my vanilla life but my BDSM life in the same place. I don't really like putting all this out here for everyone to read but by having it open for other's, it gives me a feeling like someone out there is listening and maybe even thinking of me, maybe someone has a simple though or helpful opinion.. or like my friend krys.. add some constructive criticism. Let me know if your out there...
so i'll continue posting here until i find a more suitable home.
I think i've gotten my days and nights mixed up pretty much, i'll go to bed around 1 or so, but i cant' sleep, all i do is think and worry. My matress is uncomfortable, i'm thinking about the things i didn't get done, the things i still need to do, how i'm gonna pay the bills this month, wondering when their going to shut the power off at the kids dads , worring that i won't get this weight off, hell i'm worring about why the cat isn't in tonight on my bed sleeping, and then try to find answers to all these questions. Mostly i think i have my days and nights mixed up, sure as hell isn't menopause.
Tonight i went over to the kids' dads and made him take a shower, he's one of them people who just won't, his mother don't either, she just sponge bathes. But he is pretty ill, he's pretty lazy most time too, and that's probably the reason.. anyway, his legs have gotten real bad again so he know's it's time to go back into the hospital again and get the swelling down and the ulcers take care of, his calves are as large as his thighs from the cellulitis. He's been running a high fever so i suspect infection in the legs. So i ran to walmart to get him some slippers, socks and some new underwear and then returned to persue the shower onto him, so he could go to the hospital tonight, well after two hours of pushing to get him into the bathroom and then another 45 minutes of him trying to get his shoe off.. i went in and helped him cut his shoe off, there was so much swelling, and the infection was thick into his shoes from the drainage and shit. It was extremely gross, While he was in there he begged me not to take him tonight and that he would do anything if i would just wait until tomorow, dinner needed made and he was going to take a while, so i agreed, so he finally got into the shower and sat in the shower chair for about 45 minutes washing himself, he then got out. I went in and bandaged up both his legs and helped him get dressed. By the time he was finished he could barely stand and walk out of the bathroom, and was in a lot of pain.
I sat my youngest down to watch "Horton hears' a who" and finished dinner. Got their dad his pain meds and went home only to start all over again tomorow, he just don't like going to the hospital. Can't blame him much.
I can't beleive i'm having so much trouble finding a job. ive worked solid for the last year and a half and now i'm unemployable? I've never had trouble getting a job (except after the TIA's). There's a cable company in town that is opening a new call center, i found how to get my app in there so i'll apply for that as soon as i can. I've applied at all the call centers and even at the hospitals.
Finally found my art bag, depressingly it was in my car all this time where i thought it was, sadly however, my daughter took the top off my car one day last week and it wasn't put back on corrrectly and the ran poured into my car and soaked anything that was in there. my art bag was behind the seat in the cubby back there where the top goes when it's down. Good news is, i found my pencils and paints and brushes.. bad news is, so was all my paintings and drawings and they were soaked. I didn't even open it up beyond looking at the soaked paintings.
Seems to be the story of my life, most of everything i have has been either locked away in storage or ruined. I'm pretty fed up with living with other people now and not having a place for my own things. I've made up my mind that it don't matter what size it is, when i get my next job, i'm moving out and on my own. I'll do without everything else, so long as i can pay my bills and have my kids with me.
I'm getting closer to quitting smoking again, with summer comming i assume it will just happen, but lately i've been coughing like an asthma cough and smoking like a train without satisfaction. Thank God i don't drink, i'd be the town whore. ok that was funny here.
Ok enough dread for now, i've gotten it off my chest.
I was reading a friends blog she seems to post every day and had mentioned moving her blog to another place. I think i'm going to do the same. But it's pretty difficult to find a place to put not only my vanilla life but my BDSM life in the same place. I don't really like putting all this out here for everyone to read but by having it open for other's, it gives me a feeling like someone out there is listening and maybe even thinking of me, maybe someone has a simple though or helpful opinion.. or like my friend krys.. add some constructive criticism. Let me know if your out there...
so i'll continue posting here until i find a more suitable home.