Always [Re-Post]
Title: Always
Author: xrosepetalsx insanityplays
Rating: R
Pairing: Haemin (Donghae/Sungmin), Kyumi
Characters: Sungmin, Donghae, Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi
Summary: Sungmin never really understood how he and Donghae became what they were, but he knew somewhere along the way, he’d fallen in love, and in the end, he would have to face the one thing he feared the most because of it.
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Warning: Sexual Situations
Often times, things happen before our minds can catch up, and events pan out before we can stop them, but there’s no use trying to go back and undo the damage that might have been done.
In most situations, it happens in a matter of hours, and everything goes down the drain because of one stupid mistake, but in Lee Sungmin’s case, it happened in a matter of years, and he still couldn’t quite figure out how he let it happen, or even why.
It probably didn’t help that a part of him didn’t care for the how or the why, and it probably didn’t help that he already had his roots dug in too deep to uproot, or that his roots were too ensnarled with another somebody’s roots to pull them apart.
If he was being honest with himself though, he really wouldn’t mind saying fuck you to the world and suffering the consequences instead of suffering through the “I can’t do this, why am I doing this, I just can’t stop” thoughts that plagued him on a daily basis, but at seventeen, it wasn’t just his own life he’d be fucking up, it’d be his family’s life, and Lee Donghae’s family’s life, and he just couldn’t do that - especially not when Donghae’s family had already been through so much.
In Korea, just the thought of homosexuality stirred more then a few people’s blood pressure, and the act sent more than half the country’s nerves on end. It was an act against nature, a crime that would get your whole family kicked out of the country if you were still underage, or cut you off from both your family and your country if you were over eighteen, and isolation didn’t sit well on Sungmin’s mind.
He wouldn’t think so much on it if it weren’t for the fact that it was no longer just about sex - maybe never had been - but once he factored feelings into the equation, everything went to hell.
Sungmin could only comfort himself with the fact that Donghae didn’t know it went deeper than a roll in the sack for him, though he knew perfectly well it meant a hell of a lot more than that to Donghae. Sungmin just didn’t think his feelings would be enough to make him willing to give up everything for the man who was more than just his best friend, so really, it was for the best Donghae didn’t know.
Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the feelings from being there, something else Sungmin knew perfectly well, but would do anything to keep them hidden from the world, because he still had no idea how any of it had happened.
He just remembered that first kiss, and how nice the weight of Donghae’s hand had felt against his own…
--
They’d been best friends for years now, had spent almost all of their time together, but Sungmin had never expected to find himself pressed up against the wall of a deserted hallway with Donghae’s lips pressed against his own in their freshmen year of high school.
The feeling was strange, but not totally unwelcome, and Sungmin couldn’t help the fact that his eye’s slipped closed, couldn’t help the way he oh so subtly pressed back, reacting the only way he knew how, though he probably shouldn’t have.
He could feel the way Donghae’s lips curved against his own, felt the smile as it took form, and wondered if maybe he should have just pushed away when he’d still had the chance, but his body seemed to have had a mind of its own in that millisecond it took for the kiss to take place.
Donghae pulled away, beaming at Sungmin, but Sungmin could only stare back, dazed, confused. “Wh-what was that for?” he asked nervously, and watched as Donghae’s smile fell, watched how his tongue slipped out to lick his lips, and wondered what Donghae’s tongue would feel like against his own.
He mentally slapped himself, horrified at the thought, horrified that he’d just kissed back, and he was suddenly a thousand times more confused than ever before.
Donghae reached out and took his hand then, fingers intertwining with his own and filling the gaps. He smiled uncertainly, and said “I…just wondered what a kiss felt like…”
Sungmin didn’t comment on their hand holding, didn’t ask any other questions, just let himself be led away, content to convince himself that what Donghae had said was true.
--
Maybe he should have been more inquisitive, maybe he should have set Donghae straight right then and there, but he’d been fourteen, and Donghae had been the only best friend he’d ever known.
And he hadn’t thought that Donghae would ever do something to him that would jeopardize his entire life. Donghae had always been the most trust worthy person he’d ever known, and he hadn’t wanted to stop trusting him then. It was so much easier to pretend it had never happened, until it happened again…
--
After two months without a repeat of the kiss in the deserted hallway at school, Sungmin was just starting to feel secure in the thought that it had just been an experiment, whether he’d shoved all thoughts of the kiss to the back of his mind or not, when he found himself between Donghae and the wall in a similarly deserted hallway, cool lips nudging almost frantically against his own.
Maybe if it hadn’t been a surprise, maybe if Sungmin hadn’t been dreaming about Donghae’s lips pressed up against his own for two months, he could have fought back. Maybe if he’d kept his wits about him, he wouldn’t have found himself kissing back almost as desperately as Donghae, wouldn’t have found himself allowing Donghae to take his second- his third- his fourth- kiss before finally pushing him away.
Even after he took off running, he could still feel the imprint of Donghae’s mouth against his own. He could still feel Donghae’s teeth nipping at his lower lip, and when he finally sat down against a wall halfway across the school from where they’d been, breathing heavy, he lifted his fingers to touch his own lips, suddenly very frightened because his pants were a little tighter then they should be and he kind of wouldn’t mind letting Donghae kiss him like that again.
--
He’d never meant to let it happen, never thought of his dreams as anything more than nightmares, but maybe he should have, because then maybe he could have prevented any of it from ever happening. It was one of those things he truly regretted not turning around and fixing, but even he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that his future had been set in stone the moment they’d met.
Either way, now he wondered why he’d gone back. Wouldn’t it have been a thousand times easier if he’d broken things off with Donghae then? Wouldn’t it have been easier if he hadn’t let himself be sucked into a vortex he’d never seen coming?
He’d been on the outskirts, he’d still had enough time, enough energy, to swim away, to swim against the current, but he hadn’t. He’d swam with the current, he’d moved closer, and now, when he was able to see just what he was about to be sucked into, it was much too late.
He was already too tired, his energy had run out, and he was too far in to even imagine climbing back out…
--
“Sungmin!” Donghae shouted from across the hall, face frightened when Sungmin automatically turned to answer him. He should have kept on walking, maybe he should have taken off running, but Donghae was already at his side, panting slightly and looking much too worried for someone who had just turned Sungmin’s world upside down.
“Sungmin, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, it just, I just, you were talking, and I couldn’t help myself, and things just kind of happened, and I already knew you didn’t like me like that, but I-”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Sungmin had pulled them into the boys bathroom, nervously glancing around and under stall doors to make sure they were alone, before slamming their lips back together and kissing Donghae so furiously neither of them were perfectly sure what had come over him.
But Donghae had set Sungmin’s body on fire, his worry making his heart pound faster than it ever had before, and he’d been no better than Donghae. His lips moved impulsively, almost without his consent, against Donghae’s, even as his mind screamed at him for being an idiot, screamed at him to pull away.
He’d never be able to do it, and it was far too late anyway. Donghae was already kissing him back, Donghae already had his hands in his hair, pulling him close and securing him there.
Their kisses were frantic, and Sungmin was crying.
Even then, he’d known he’d just done something he could never take back, but his body had taken control, and things were happening a little too fast for him to understand what was going on.
--
Things had only gone downhill from there. Donghae took to holding his hand every chance he got, even if there relationship didn’t seem to change, and kisses went from few and far in-between to more and more frequent.
They were still best friends, no one ever managing to catch sight of the little changes between them, but in their own little world, when it was just the two of them, things were far from what they’d been before.
Sungmin would never have called it a relationship, more like friends with benefits. They never said I love you, never acted like anything different then two horny boys, even if it did take a little bit longer for either of them to go beyond oral or dry sex. Sungmin was always able to convince himself they were nothing more then fuck buddies.
After all, even Donghae had said in the beginning he’d been nothing more than curious.
So how did Sungmin explain the fire Donghae set in his body, or the way his heart beat a thousand times faster when Donghae was hurt, or how he got jealous when Donghae flirted with any one other than him?
--
“Sungmin?” Donghae asked one afternoon during one of their exertions behind the locker rooms at school, neck tilted to the side as Sungmin sucked at the flesh there, one hand on Sungmin’s waist and the other on his shoulder, chest bare and shirt on the floor.
“Why were you so je-jeal-unnhhh…” Donghae wasn’t able to finish his sentence though, because Sungmin chose that moment to feather light kisses lower down his chest and lave at a nipple, rendering Donghae incoherent.
Sungmin didn’t know how to answer Donghae’s question, was afraid of what he might say if asked to question his own irrational behavior that had led them here, so he continued to lick a trail down Donghae’s chest, keeping him distracted and too incoherent to ask for an answer.
His fingers were deft on a zipper, hand diligent and slow on Donghae’s cock as he drew out the man’s moans, until his mouth reached the bottom of a long chest, tongue flicking in and out of a hollow belly button.
Donghae panted above him, hips bucking slightly in Sungmin’s hold, and Sungmin grinned.
“Jealous…why?” Donghae managed around a moan, panting the words though his eyes were glazed over and he didn’t look like he should be thinking at all at the moment.
Sungmin’s movements stilled, and Donghae made a whining sound, hips jerking. “Ngggh…”
Releasing his hold on Donghae’s cock, Sungmin moved his hands instead to Donghae’s hips, holding them still, and looked up at Donghae from his position in front of his cock.
“I wasn’t,” he said in response to Donghae’s question, trying desperately not to question it himself, and deep throated him before Donghae could insist that he had been.
--
The first time they really had sex, they were sixteen.
--
Sungmin tried so desperately to concentrate on the mouth on his, and how Donghae’s tongue felt caressing his, but even that wasn’t enough to make him forget what Donghae’s fingers were doing down below.
He could feel them inside him, could feel the way they stretched and touched a part of his body he’d never expected to be probed, but he trusted Donghae, trusted that his best friend really had prepared for everything.
“Donghae…are you sure…you know…what you’re doing?” he asked in between kisses and pants, in between body shakes and cringes when a third finger was slipped in with the other two.
“Yes…” Donghae whispered back, nuzzling his neck and pressing a kiss in the hollow. “I won’t hurt you Min…”
Sungmin had no choice but to trust him. His body ached, even as his mind protested what felt like inevitable pain, but there was no way in hell he was backing out now, not with the promise of more pleasure than either of them had ever felt before.
Not with the promise of his virginity being taken by his best friend, even when his mind tried to shy away from that thought and everything that came with it.
Donghae’s fingers pulled out, and suddenly, something much larger was positioned at his entrance. Sungmin couldn’t help shivering in both anticipation in fear, and he bit his bottom lip, eyes intent on Donghae’s.
He could see every feeling that was going through Donghae’s mind, caught sight of the inevitable love he’d known the other felt for him the day he’d pulled away from Donghae’s kisses after assaulting him in the boy’s bathroom, and felt himself reassured.
Trying to hide his own feelings, the ones he’d discovered lie dormant months ago, Sungmin nodded his head, and Donghae was in, hips moving in a way Sungmin had only seen when the other man danced, and Sungmin was moaning, despite the ache he could already feel from where Donghae had penetrated.
--
Things had inevitably changed from that moment on, and now they really were fuck buddies, taking every chance they knew they were safe to do something their parents, even some of their friends, would castrate them for doing.
Sungmin always came back for more, always gave everything he had, even when, in the back of his mind, he knew what they were doing was stupid. Even when, in the back of his mind, he knew he needed to stop this.
Nothing mattered when Donghae was nearby, nothing mattered but Donghae’s kisses, the feel of Donghae’s skin under his fingertips, and the feel of Donghae inside of him, the only man he’d let get close to him, the only person he’d let touch him in an intimate way.
Donghae. It was always Donghae.
--
Winter Break. Sungmin would be eighteen soon, and Donghae already was. He’d become distant lately, something Sungmin had expected, had known would happen, and he wondered if maybe he’d read Donghae wrong.
Maybe Donghae didn’t love him, maybe he never had. He’d never said it, never confirmed it, so maybe Sungmin had been wrong from the very beginning.
And maybe that was for the best. Maybe that would make things a hell of a lot easier, and Sungmin could forget everything he’d ever given to Donghae. Maybe it was all for the better he’d never handed Donghae his heart on a silver platter, even if Donghae had unknowingly stolen it.
Maybe he could turn around and pretend this mistake had never been made.
--
It was almost Sungmin’s birthday and Donghae’s parents were out, so Donghae had insisted he come over. They’d watched a movie at first, acting as normal as they always did, and then Donghae’s lips had attached themselves to his and they’d found themselves stumbling up the stairs to Donghae’s room.
Now they were laying on Donghae’s bed, Donghae’s head pillowed against his stomach, fingers caressing soft thighs, and Sungmin couldn’t help but shiver in pleasure. Donghae’s touch was forever able to set his body on fire, even if he was too tired to be feeling up again anytime soon.
“You’ll be eighteen in a few days…” Donghae said quietly after a long moment of silence, voice reflecting the softness Donghae had been showing him all night. He’d been so quiet tonight, not quite distant like the last week, but quiet, and so sweet. Sungmin was afraid of the implications behind that, and opened his eyes, blinking himself out of a pleasured haze.
“I know,” he replied just as quietly, staring at the top of Donghae’s head.
“Everything changes then, doesn’t it?”
“Yes.” Once Sungmin was eighteen, he’d be old enough to make his own choices, and everything he and Donghae had done would be less dangerous. Which was exactly why they had to stop.
Their families wouldn’t have to leave the country, but they would, and were Sungmin’s feelings really worth it? It was time to put that to the test, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.
Especially with distant Donghae.
They should end it here. Tonight. This should be the last time they kissed, the last time they were intimate.
“I don’t want to lose you…” Donghae finally said and Sungmin tilted his head down again to stare into the sad brown eyes of his best friend, fingers starting to cart through soft brown hair.
“Donghae…”
“I love you, Sungmin.” It took a moment for his words to sink in, but when they did, Sungmin sat bolt upright, hand ripping away from Donghae’s hair, and Donghae sat upright as well from the sudden movement.
“Sungmin?”
It wasn’t as if Sungmin hadn’t suspected as much for nearing two years now, but to hear it.
“Don’t say that!” he shouted suddenly, eyes wide and fearful. “You can’t love me Donghae, you can’t! This is nothing, we are nothing!” The words were free of his mouth before he could think them through, before he could even decide whether or not he meant them.
“This is just teenage hormones and lust, and, and…” but he trailed off, tears in his eyes and in his voice where he choked on them.
He turned his head away, taking in a deep lungful of sex tainted air, and tried to calm down. He hadn’t expected Donghae to say I love you, hadn’t expected his own body to betray him the way it had.
The way his heart had lodged in his throat had scared him, the idea of giving up everything for love had scared him, and he’d opened his mouth before he could stop himself. The fear was irrational, but maybe that was his answer. Maybe his feelings weren’t enough for him to choose Donghae.
He heard Donghae sigh, felt the touch of tentative fingers on his hand, and flinched, but Donghae ignored that, and stroked his fingers.
Sungmin could only shudder and close his eyes at the feeling of Donghae’s warm hand against his own.
Donghae’s touch had always set his body on fire, why should his body react differently now, when Sungmin was about to lose his touch forever?
“Sungmin…I’m always going to love you. I always have. You can’t back out on me now, it’s too late. You jumped into this with me, and I’m not going to let you go.” Tearing his hand out from beneath Donghae’s, Sungmin stood up in all his naked glory, too angry, too scared, to care.
Donghae had seen it all before anyway.
“Aren’t you listening to me Donghae!?” he screeched, blood pounding behind his temples, adrenaline pumping through his veins. “I don’t love you, so you can’t love me! We can never be together Donghae!” he lied, tears streaming down his cheeks. Donghae looked wounded, eyes wide and starting to fill with tears, but he sucked it up, didn’t fall apart like Sungmin was doing, and even in that moment, Sungmin had to envy Donghae’s strength.
“You can’t lie to me Sungmin, it’s all in your face,” he said quietly, face dim, and Sungmin wondered if his feelings really were all over his face, or if Donghae were clutching at last straws.
“They’d never let us be together…” he whispered, staring at the floor, watching his tears fall to the ground, and then Donghae was there, a hand reaching out to wipe away his tears. Sungmin flinched, starting to cry in earnest again, not a sound leaving his lips, but tears built up behind his eyes stronger than ever.
“I told you you couldn’t lie to me. You wouldn’t be crying if you didn’t love me…” Sungmin had to wonder when he’d become the emotional one. He’d always thought, when it came down to it, he’d be the calm one, the cold one, when he walked away from Donghae, and Donghae would be the one crying.
But it was the other way around, and Donghae was still here, trying to hold them together rather than pull them apart.
“We can’t…” Sungmin said quietly again, pulling away from Donghae and turning the other way. “We can’t…” and with one last sigh, Donghae turned around and left, to where, Sungmin didn’t know, because they were in Donghae’s room, he was in Donghae’s house, and he knew he should be the one leaving.
Instead, Sungmin sat on the edge of Donghae’s bed, and stared at the far wall, unsure what to do next.
--
His eighteenth birthday, and he was at a club with some friends, grinding against a girl he wasn’t sure wasn’t under fourteen, but his thoughts were far away, in a room with Donghae, the smell of sex in the air…
If he hadn’t insisted they couldn’t be together four nights ago, maybe Donghae would be here with him, or maybe Donghae would have set up something special for his eighteenth birthday, just like he’d set up something special for Donghae’s.
Maybe instead of breathing in the scent of cigarettes and perfume, he’d be breathing in the scent of Donghae’s aftershave, splashed against his neck. Maybe instead of feminine curves beneath his fingers, there’d be sharp angles and hard planes.
Sungmin would much rather have Donghae’s body next to his, would much rather be grinding against him…so why was he here?
He mentally shook himself. He’d already chosen, and he hadn’t picked Donghae. He’d picked freedom.
So why didn’t he feel free?
“I’m sorry,” Sungmin suddenly said as he pulled away from the girl, who looked taken aback at his quick departure. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, sending her a small, uncertain smile, and then disappeared into the dancing crowd.
He hurried to the bar and ordered three shots, then sat down and laid his forehead against the cool glass tabletop, wishing thoughts of Donghae would leave him alone.
After a few minutes, Kyuhyun sidled up next to him, and he looked up. “Why aren’t you out there dancing? There are at least three girls on the dance floor eyeing you like you’re a piece of meat,” Kyuhyun said assuredly, but his eyes were inquisitive when Sungmin turned to look at him.
Sungmin shrugged in response, and scanned the crowd, watching a few girls try and get him to come over, but he didn’t move from his place at the bar. There was only one person he’d be willing to dance with right now.
The clink of glass against the tabletop told him his shots were here, so he turned and took one before tossing it back. Kyuhyun watched him impassively.
“What’s up?” he finally asked, dark eyes piercing. Sungmin didn’t answer, instead choosing to throw back the other two shots before ordering three more.
Donghae, Donghae, Donghae. That’s what was up.
Kyuhyun sighed and ordered himself a drink as well, and they both waited in silence for a while.
“Have you ever been in love with someone you shouldn’t be, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asked finally, voice quiet as he glanced at Kyuhyun. He expected to find the man staring at him, analytical, as he tried to read the why behind the question, but he was staring at the far wall, eyes unfocused and thoughtful. It threw Sungmin off.
After a moment, Kyuhyun’s gaze returned to his, and he smiled, before he turned and looked into the crowd. Sungmin followed his gaze, and when it landed on Zhou Mi, who was dancing rather sultrily with a girl on the dance floor, he knew who Kyuhyun was looking at, but he didn’t even gasp. Somehow, it wasn’t really surprising, so he sighed at the same time as his next three shots were set down in front of him.
“Does he know?”
“No,” Kyuhyun replied with a laugh. “Do you really expect me to tell him? Boy may act like a girl, but he’s straighter than a golf club.”
Sungmin didn’t even laugh, it was just too depressing, so he downed his fourth- his fifth- his sixth- shot, ordered three more, and then laid his head on his arm.
Kyuhyun got his drink next and took a swig of it, cringing as it went down.
“Why do you drink it if you don’t even like it?”
“The same reason your downing those shots.”
“But Zhou Mi’s with you…” Kyuhyun gave him an incredulous look.
“In my opinion, that’s a lot harder to swallow than knowing he’s at home, not dancing with you, but not dancing with some low down whore on the dance floor.” Sungmin had to laugh at that, turning his face down and away into his arm.
In his opinion, Kyuhyun was wrong. He’d much rather have Donghae here, dancing with some whore, groping her even, if it meant that they were cool and Donghae would never leave him.
After a moment, Kyuhyun asked, “So who are you in love with? Donghae?”
Turning his head again, Sungmin nodded. “He told me he loved me.”
He hadn’t expected a fist to collide with his head and he yelped, staring wide eyed at Kyuhyun as he sat up. “What the hell was that for!? That hurt you asshole!”
“What are you, stupid!?” Kyuhyun shouted incredulously, suddenly looking very angry. “Why are you whining about being in love with him if he loves you back!” Kyuhyun growled, socking him in the arm for good measure. Sungmin glared at him, affronted.
“Listen, if I knew Zhou Mi loved me back, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thought, I’d kiss him right here on the dance floor, in front of everyone in this club.”
“That’s easy for you to say, without the consequences staring you in the face!” Sungmin hissed, but Kyuhyun didn’t rise to the bait. He shook his head, the anger suddenly gone from his body, and sighed.
Running a hand through his hair, he said “Don’t waste something that others of us could only wish we had,” and then he was gone, weaving through the packed dance floor to reach Zhou Mi’s side and press his body up against the older man’s, hiding his face as he gave the rest of the world a show, no doubt desperate for Zhou Mi’s contact after the conversation they’d just had.
Zhou Mi would never think anything of it, and Kyuhyun’s secret would never be revealed.
Sighing, Sungmin rested his forehead back on the cool glass tabletop, wishing Zhou Mi was the one who loved Kyuhyun back, and not Donghae who loved him back. He felt pathetic, and it seemed like Kyuhyun deserved happiness a hell of a lot more than he did.
Reaching over, he took Kyuhyun’s deserted drink and swallowed the rest of it in one go, eyes squeezing shut at the burn as it went down. Whatever Kyuhyun had ordered was a hell of a lot stronger then the shots he’d been drinking.
When his next three shots were placed in front of him, he downed them one after another, sighing in pleasure.
“Your friend’s right, you know,” the bartender said suddenly, and Sungmin looked up at her, slightly shocked. “If the person I was in love with, loved me back, I would do anything for them, regardless of who they were.”
“He’s a man, I would lose everything-”
“You love him, don’t you? Then what does it matter.” She didn’t have to say another word, because Sungmin was out the door, all of the pieces lining up. Why should he be miserable on his eighteenth birthday when he knew the person he pined for loved him back?
--
By the time Sungmin reached a bus stop, he remembered he’d left his wallet at home, and decided it was for the best anyway. There was too much adrenaline coursing through his body for him to sit still very long, and panic was just starting to crawl up into his throat.
What the hell was he going to say to Donghae?
He was about to fucking ruin his life.
They’d never be allowed back in Korea.
Their families would abandon them.
As he started running, hoping the cold air would take the thoughts away, he found himself back at the same question that had denied him from telling Donghae he loved him. Are our feelings enough for this?
He kept running, taking the twists and turns he knew so well and trying to find short cuts, wishing he could just be at Donghae’s house already, before he changed his mind, before more time went by and Donghae decided he didn’t want to see him.
Before Donghae could decide he didn’t love him.
Finally, finally he found himself turning onto Donghae’s street and slowed down, heart pounding inside his chest. He didn’t know how Donghae was going to receive him, didn’t know if this was worth it, but he was almost to Donghae’s doorstep.
He wouldn’t turn back now.
The porch light was off, the carport was empty; the house was just as he’d left it four nights ago, and just as empty, though before he’d known Donghae was somewhere inside, and this time he was unsure.
He knocked before he could change his mind, and waited.
He heard no footsteps, heard no sounds, not even the drone of the TV or the sound of the shower. He wanted to turn around and leave right then, but he waited.
He waited because he knew if he turned around now and went home, he’d hate himself, he’d lose his nerve, and everything would have been for nothing.
It took a few minutes, but then Sungmin heard the sound of slow footsteps approaching the front door, and held his breathe. The porch light flipped on, the door opened, and Donghae stood in the doorway.
Letting out that breath with a sigh, Sungmin almost collapsed at Donghae’s feet, almost willing to beg the other to take him back.
“Sungmin? What the hell are you doing here at two in the morning?” Sungmin blinked.
“Two?”
“Yes, it’s two in the morning,” he said matter of factly, pushing the door all the way open and leaning against the door frame, face set in a hard mask Sungmin had never seen directed at him before. He could only stare back, bewildered, and Donghae’s hard mask fell.
“Are you…drunk?” he asked incredulously, standing up straight, brows furrowed as he looked Sungmin up and down. He wondered how he looked to Donghae - frazzled? Then Donghae was grabbing his wrist and dragging him inside, and Sungmin could only blink.
“Damnit, you are drunk!” Donghae growled, and Sungmin blinked again, realizing his mind was a little fuzzy, and he was stumbling a little more than normal.
Apparently he was a light weight. He hadn’t even drank that much, and you’d think the night air would have cleared his head.
“Damnit Sungmin, if I find out you drove here I’ll kick your ass.” Oh yea…his car. He giggled and covered his mouth with his hand, realizing he probably shouldn’t be laughing right now. Donghae turned to face him, eyes narrowed, but he didn’t comment.
Instead, he dropped Sungmin off on the couch and stomped back to the door to check the street for Sungmin’s car. Apparently satisfied, he came back in and stalked into the kitchen. He came back out with a glass of water.
Sungmin furrowed his nose at it, and Donghae rolled his eyes. “Just drink it Sungmin, or I’m going to kick your ass right back out of here.” Sungmin didn’t argue, his thoughts were too scattered, his body too weak to even think about arguing, so he drank it and then swayed to the side so he was half lying on the couch, looking up at Donghae.
Donghae was glaring at him, but Sungmin could see the worry in the lines of his mouth, the love in his eyes. He giggled. Donghae sighed and sat down beside him.
“Why are you here Sungmin?” he asked quietly, taking the cup out of the hand that was dangling dangerously close to the floor and putting it on the coffee table. “Why aren’t you with your friends? Partying it up on your birthday? You only turn eighteen once.”
Sitting up as straight as he could, Sungmin said, “Because I love you,” in a very serious voice that made him laugh. He collapsed against Donghae’s side, still giggling, with one hand gripping Donghae’s bicep, and the other dangerously close to a place Donghae no doubt didn’t want him touching in the state he was in.
Donghae shook his head. “You’re drunk,” he said, pushing Sungmin away. “Why is it that you can only say that to me when you’re drunk?” Sungmin stared at him, suddenly morose, and felt the tears start to trickle down his cheeks.
He hadn’t even realized tears were gathering in his eyes. Or maybe it was just the alcohol level in his blood that was making his mood swing so fast.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled quietly, and Donghae looked up to see that he was crying. Looking distressed, Donghae pulled him close and wrapped him in a hug.
“Everything’s going to be fine, Sungmin…” he whispered soothingly into his ear, but Sungmin shook his head.
“No, it’s not. You don’t love me anymore. I already lost you,” he cried, trying to push away from Donghae, but he only held him closer, rocking him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
He couldn’t quite hear what he said, but his strength was gone, and his mind was getting fuzzier, so he closed his eyes and let himself sleep.
--
Waking up sucked. His head was pounding, he could hardly think to remember last night, and he was too disoriented to even begin to imagine where he was.
He briefly wondered if Kyuhyun had taken him home, or if he’d just left him on his own couch. It would probably be a little easier on him if he was on Kyuhyun’s couch, because then he wouldn’t have to deal with his mom being pissed at him for getting drunk last night.
Groaning, Sungmin tried to open his eyes to see where he was, but the light pierced his irises and he decided he’d find out later. For now, he’d just avoid the light.
He felt someone’s weight settle down beside him and decided he must be in his own bed. He tried not to groan again at the lecture his mom would likely be waiting to give him.
“Here, take these,” a voice that wasn’t his mother’s said, and his eyes fluttered open. Wavy brown hair and soft features met his eyes, and he suddenly didn’t understand.
Why was Donghae at his house?
The question must have shown on his face because Donghae sighed. “You don’t remember last night, do you?” Sungmin shook his head, searching his memories for what had happened.
Had he been wrong and he wasn’t drunk? Had he been in an accident? Was he in a hospital? But there was no beeping coming from beside him, and it didn’t feel like he was in a hospital bed.
Donghae sighed again. “Take these and I’ll explain.” Sitting up straight, Sungmin finally realized that Donghae was holding two white pills and a cup of water.
When he took them from Donghae, he risked a glance around the room, and realized he was in fact in Donghae’s room, not in his own room. He tried not to cringe at the implications of that, and took what he assumed was aspirin.
His head still pounded, but it wasn’t so bad. He must not have gotten too drunk last night.
Good, if I wasn’t smashed, I couldn’t have done anything too stupid.
“I’m actually kind of hoping you’ll remember last night, because to be honest, I don’t really understand why you showed up on my doorstep drunk, confessing that you loved me.” Stunned, Sungmin stared at Donghae.
“I…what?” he finally asked after a few minutes of silence.
“You told me you loved me,” Donghae said impassively, but Sungmin thought he heard the compassion in his voice, thought he saw the love in Donghae’s eyes, and suddenly remembered seeing the same look on Kyuhyun’s face last night when he’d looked at Zhou Mi.
…if I knew Zhou Mi loved me back, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thought, I’d kiss him right here on the dance floor…
Don’t waste something that others of us could only wish we had…
If the person I was in love with, loved me back, I would do anything for them, regardless of who they were…
He remembered now. Last night, he’d decided it didn’t matter if he was going to lose everything or not, and his only thought had been losing Donghae, had been losing his nerve, and knowing if he didn’t get to Donghae fast enough, he was going to lose him forever.
Sungmin decided then that his feelings hadn’t changed. He’d still willingly follow Donghae to the ends of the earth, and he still feared he was going to lose the man if he didn’t catch him quick enough.
Ducking his head, Sungmin said quietly “I…do love you Donghae…”
Donghae was silent, but Sungmin was too afraid to look up to see what he was thinking. He kept his head down, and stared at the patterns in the bed’s coverlet. One, two, three…
“Then why’d you run away.” Sungmin’s head snapped up at that, brow furrowed.
“I didn’t run away, you did!” he said incredulously, but Donghae’s face was hard again, and he didn’t feel like the man was even listening to him.
“’I don’t love you,’ ‘We can’t be together.’ Ringing any bells?” Sungmin frowned.
“I remember what I said Donghae, I was just being realistic-”
“You were just being a coward, that’s what you were being.” Sungmin glared at him.
“Are you going to keep acting like an obstinate ass, or are you going to let me tell you what I came to you tell you last night?” Donghae waved his hand to usher him on, face impassive as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“I was talking to Kyuhyun last night…” he started hesitantly, unsure what to say, “and I guess you could say he knocked some sense into me…him and the bartender at the club last night…” he grumbled, and glanced up at Donghae, who was still say staring at him impassively. Donghae raised a brow at him when it didn’t look like he was going to continue.
“Look, basically he told me that he wishes he had what I had, and that I shouldn’t be stupid and give it up. God Damnit Lee Donghae, I’m sorry okay? I’ve never faced rejection in my entire life, and you want me to be okay with knowing my whole family and my whole country will reject me for who I choose to love?” he hissed, slouching back against the bed.
“I love you okay?” he asked, frustrated.
Donghae smiled then, and uncrossed his arms before he climbed on top of Sungmin’s form, face hovering very close to his.
“Okay,” and then he was kissing him, lips so sure against his, so familiar, and Sungmin never wanted to lose him, never wanted to give up the feelings Donghae stirred inside of him.
Sighing, he sat up straighter, dragging Donghae with him until the man was half in his lap, and found his hand, twining their fingers together as Donghae kissed him breathless again.
Donghae pulled away after a few minutes and pulled Sungmin close to him, wrapping one arm around him, leaving the other twined with Sungmin’s.
“Fuck what the world says. I only need your hand to hold and your love to cherish, and I’ll be okay. I’ll always love you Sungmin.” Sungmin could only smile against his chest.
They sat there quietly for a few moments, and then Sungmin pulled away, a devious glint in his eye.
“I believe you owe me a birthday present, Donghae.” Donghae stared at him, incredulous, but then he caught sight of Sungmin’s smile, and grinned as well.
“That’s true…what exactly is it that you want?”
“You.”
“Good answer.”
--
It was nearing noon and they were still in bed, Sungmin laying on Donghae’s chest, humming contently as Donghae ran fingers through his hair, and neither of them wanted to move.
Sungmin’s headache was gone, and he supposed that proved that sex relieved headaches, because that’s what he and Donghae had been doing for the last couple of hours, and all he felt now was lazy and languid and very very good.
He supposed that also answered the question of whether or not his feelings for Donghae were enough for him to give up everything else, because he was perfectly willing to stay right here in this bed with Donghae, stark naked, until Donghae’s mother found them.
Sungmin couldn’t help giggling at the thought. He could just imagine the look on Mrs. Lee’s face.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, nothing…” Sungmin said, still giggling. “Hey Donghae? Does your cell phone happen to be near by? I think I should call Kyuhyun and thank him.” Donghae laughed then as well and fished around on the table next to his bed, shifting slightly so Sungmin wasn’t as comfortable as he had been.
After a moment, they were both able to settle back as they had been, Sungmin with Donghae’s phone in hand.
Dialing numbers with quick fingers, Sungmin put the phone to his ear and waited for Kyuhyun to answer. It took eight rings before he did, and Sungmin wondered if that meant Kyuhyun had gotten drunk last night as well.
“Who the fuck is this?”
“Be nice, Kui Xian.”
“You, shut up.” Sungmin giggled.
“Bad timing, I guess. Look’s like we both got our happy ending then. I was just calling to thank you, but maybe you should be thanking me.”
Kyuhyun was silent for a moment, and then he scoffed. “Why should I be thanking you?”
“What made you decide it was all or nothing last night?”
There was silence again, and then a, “Fuck you,” before the line went dead. Sungmin laughed again and dropped the phone somewhere on the bed nearby before rolling over and crawling up Donghae’s chest.
“Interesting phone call.”
“Yes.”
“Who was he with?”
“Zhou Mi, now shut up, I can think of better things your mouth could be doing right now.”
--
Excuse the fact that Donghae is older. I messed up when I made it Sungmin’s soon to be eighteenth birthday that everything went down, and decided since Donghae’s birthday was annoyingly in October, almost a full year after Sungmin’s, he could be the older one.
Author: xrosepetalsx insanityplays
Rating: R
Pairing: Haemin (Donghae/Sungmin), Kyumi
Characters: Sungmin, Donghae, Kyuhyun, Zhou Mi
Summary: Sungmin never really understood how he and Donghae became what they were, but he knew somewhere along the way, he’d fallen in love, and in the end, he would have to face the one thing he feared the most because of it.
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Warning: Sexual Situations
Often times, things happen before our minds can catch up, and events pan out before we can stop them, but there’s no use trying to go back and undo the damage that might have been done.
In most situations, it happens in a matter of hours, and everything goes down the drain because of one stupid mistake, but in Lee Sungmin’s case, it happened in a matter of years, and he still couldn’t quite figure out how he let it happen, or even why.
It probably didn’t help that a part of him didn’t care for the how or the why, and it probably didn’t help that he already had his roots dug in too deep to uproot, or that his roots were too ensnarled with another somebody’s roots to pull them apart.
If he was being honest with himself though, he really wouldn’t mind saying fuck you to the world and suffering the consequences instead of suffering through the “I can’t do this, why am I doing this, I just can’t stop” thoughts that plagued him on a daily basis, but at seventeen, it wasn’t just his own life he’d be fucking up, it’d be his family’s life, and Lee Donghae’s family’s life, and he just couldn’t do that - especially not when Donghae’s family had already been through so much.
In Korea, just the thought of homosexuality stirred more then a few people’s blood pressure, and the act sent more than half the country’s nerves on end. It was an act against nature, a crime that would get your whole family kicked out of the country if you were still underage, or cut you off from both your family and your country if you were over eighteen, and isolation didn’t sit well on Sungmin’s mind.
He wouldn’t think so much on it if it weren’t for the fact that it was no longer just about sex - maybe never had been - but once he factored feelings into the equation, everything went to hell.
Sungmin could only comfort himself with the fact that Donghae didn’t know it went deeper than a roll in the sack for him, though he knew perfectly well it meant a hell of a lot more than that to Donghae. Sungmin just didn’t think his feelings would be enough to make him willing to give up everything for the man who was more than just his best friend, so really, it was for the best Donghae didn’t know.
Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the feelings from being there, something else Sungmin knew perfectly well, but would do anything to keep them hidden from the world, because he still had no idea how any of it had happened.
He just remembered that first kiss, and how nice the weight of Donghae’s hand had felt against his own…
--
They’d been best friends for years now, had spent almost all of their time together, but Sungmin had never expected to find himself pressed up against the wall of a deserted hallway with Donghae’s lips pressed against his own in their freshmen year of high school.
The feeling was strange, but not totally unwelcome, and Sungmin couldn’t help the fact that his eye’s slipped closed, couldn’t help the way he oh so subtly pressed back, reacting the only way he knew how, though he probably shouldn’t have.
He could feel the way Donghae’s lips curved against his own, felt the smile as it took form, and wondered if maybe he should have just pushed away when he’d still had the chance, but his body seemed to have had a mind of its own in that millisecond it took for the kiss to take place.
Donghae pulled away, beaming at Sungmin, but Sungmin could only stare back, dazed, confused. “Wh-what was that for?” he asked nervously, and watched as Donghae’s smile fell, watched how his tongue slipped out to lick his lips, and wondered what Donghae’s tongue would feel like against his own.
He mentally slapped himself, horrified at the thought, horrified that he’d just kissed back, and he was suddenly a thousand times more confused than ever before.
Donghae reached out and took his hand then, fingers intertwining with his own and filling the gaps. He smiled uncertainly, and said “I…just wondered what a kiss felt like…”
Sungmin didn’t comment on their hand holding, didn’t ask any other questions, just let himself be led away, content to convince himself that what Donghae had said was true.
--
Maybe he should have been more inquisitive, maybe he should have set Donghae straight right then and there, but he’d been fourteen, and Donghae had been the only best friend he’d ever known.
And he hadn’t thought that Donghae would ever do something to him that would jeopardize his entire life. Donghae had always been the most trust worthy person he’d ever known, and he hadn’t wanted to stop trusting him then. It was so much easier to pretend it had never happened, until it happened again…
--
After two months without a repeat of the kiss in the deserted hallway at school, Sungmin was just starting to feel secure in the thought that it had just been an experiment, whether he’d shoved all thoughts of the kiss to the back of his mind or not, when he found himself between Donghae and the wall in a similarly deserted hallway, cool lips nudging almost frantically against his own.
Maybe if it hadn’t been a surprise, maybe if Sungmin hadn’t been dreaming about Donghae’s lips pressed up against his own for two months, he could have fought back. Maybe if he’d kept his wits about him, he wouldn’t have found himself kissing back almost as desperately as Donghae, wouldn’t have found himself allowing Donghae to take his second- his third- his fourth- kiss before finally pushing him away.
Even after he took off running, he could still feel the imprint of Donghae’s mouth against his own. He could still feel Donghae’s teeth nipping at his lower lip, and when he finally sat down against a wall halfway across the school from where they’d been, breathing heavy, he lifted his fingers to touch his own lips, suddenly very frightened because his pants were a little tighter then they should be and he kind of wouldn’t mind letting Donghae kiss him like that again.
--
He’d never meant to let it happen, never thought of his dreams as anything more than nightmares, but maybe he should have, because then maybe he could have prevented any of it from ever happening. It was one of those things he truly regretted not turning around and fixing, but even he knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that his future had been set in stone the moment they’d met.
Either way, now he wondered why he’d gone back. Wouldn’t it have been a thousand times easier if he’d broken things off with Donghae then? Wouldn’t it have been easier if he hadn’t let himself be sucked into a vortex he’d never seen coming?
He’d been on the outskirts, he’d still had enough time, enough energy, to swim away, to swim against the current, but he hadn’t. He’d swam with the current, he’d moved closer, and now, when he was able to see just what he was about to be sucked into, it was much too late.
He was already too tired, his energy had run out, and he was too far in to even imagine climbing back out…
--
“Sungmin!” Donghae shouted from across the hall, face frightened when Sungmin automatically turned to answer him. He should have kept on walking, maybe he should have taken off running, but Donghae was already at his side, panting slightly and looking much too worried for someone who had just turned Sungmin’s world upside down.
“Sungmin, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, it just, I just, you were talking, and I couldn’t help myself, and things just kind of happened, and I already knew you didn’t like me like that, but I-”
He didn’t get to finish his sentence before Sungmin had pulled them into the boys bathroom, nervously glancing around and under stall doors to make sure they were alone, before slamming their lips back together and kissing Donghae so furiously neither of them were perfectly sure what had come over him.
But Donghae had set Sungmin’s body on fire, his worry making his heart pound faster than it ever had before, and he’d been no better than Donghae. His lips moved impulsively, almost without his consent, against Donghae’s, even as his mind screamed at him for being an idiot, screamed at him to pull away.
He’d never be able to do it, and it was far too late anyway. Donghae was already kissing him back, Donghae already had his hands in his hair, pulling him close and securing him there.
Their kisses were frantic, and Sungmin was crying.
Even then, he’d known he’d just done something he could never take back, but his body had taken control, and things were happening a little too fast for him to understand what was going on.
--
Things had only gone downhill from there. Donghae took to holding his hand every chance he got, even if there relationship didn’t seem to change, and kisses went from few and far in-between to more and more frequent.
They were still best friends, no one ever managing to catch sight of the little changes between them, but in their own little world, when it was just the two of them, things were far from what they’d been before.
Sungmin would never have called it a relationship, more like friends with benefits. They never said I love you, never acted like anything different then two horny boys, even if it did take a little bit longer for either of them to go beyond oral or dry sex. Sungmin was always able to convince himself they were nothing more then fuck buddies.
After all, even Donghae had said in the beginning he’d been nothing more than curious.
So how did Sungmin explain the fire Donghae set in his body, or the way his heart beat a thousand times faster when Donghae was hurt, or how he got jealous when Donghae flirted with any one other than him?
--
“Sungmin?” Donghae asked one afternoon during one of their exertions behind the locker rooms at school, neck tilted to the side as Sungmin sucked at the flesh there, one hand on Sungmin’s waist and the other on his shoulder, chest bare and shirt on the floor.
“Why were you so je-jeal-unnhhh…” Donghae wasn’t able to finish his sentence though, because Sungmin chose that moment to feather light kisses lower down his chest and lave at a nipple, rendering Donghae incoherent.
Sungmin didn’t know how to answer Donghae’s question, was afraid of what he might say if asked to question his own irrational behavior that had led them here, so he continued to lick a trail down Donghae’s chest, keeping him distracted and too incoherent to ask for an answer.
His fingers were deft on a zipper, hand diligent and slow on Donghae’s cock as he drew out the man’s moans, until his mouth reached the bottom of a long chest, tongue flicking in and out of a hollow belly button.
Donghae panted above him, hips bucking slightly in Sungmin’s hold, and Sungmin grinned.
“Jealous…why?” Donghae managed around a moan, panting the words though his eyes were glazed over and he didn’t look like he should be thinking at all at the moment.
Sungmin’s movements stilled, and Donghae made a whining sound, hips jerking. “Ngggh…”
Releasing his hold on Donghae’s cock, Sungmin moved his hands instead to Donghae’s hips, holding them still, and looked up at Donghae from his position in front of his cock.
“I wasn’t,” he said in response to Donghae’s question, trying desperately not to question it himself, and deep throated him before Donghae could insist that he had been.
--
The first time they really had sex, they were sixteen.
--
Sungmin tried so desperately to concentrate on the mouth on his, and how Donghae’s tongue felt caressing his, but even that wasn’t enough to make him forget what Donghae’s fingers were doing down below.
He could feel them inside him, could feel the way they stretched and touched a part of his body he’d never expected to be probed, but he trusted Donghae, trusted that his best friend really had prepared for everything.
“Donghae…are you sure…you know…what you’re doing?” he asked in between kisses and pants, in between body shakes and cringes when a third finger was slipped in with the other two.
“Yes…” Donghae whispered back, nuzzling his neck and pressing a kiss in the hollow. “I won’t hurt you Min…”
Sungmin had no choice but to trust him. His body ached, even as his mind protested what felt like inevitable pain, but there was no way in hell he was backing out now, not with the promise of more pleasure than either of them had ever felt before.
Not with the promise of his virginity being taken by his best friend, even when his mind tried to shy away from that thought and everything that came with it.
Donghae’s fingers pulled out, and suddenly, something much larger was positioned at his entrance. Sungmin couldn’t help shivering in both anticipation in fear, and he bit his bottom lip, eyes intent on Donghae’s.
He could see every feeling that was going through Donghae’s mind, caught sight of the inevitable love he’d known the other felt for him the day he’d pulled away from Donghae’s kisses after assaulting him in the boy’s bathroom, and felt himself reassured.
Trying to hide his own feelings, the ones he’d discovered lie dormant months ago, Sungmin nodded his head, and Donghae was in, hips moving in a way Sungmin had only seen when the other man danced, and Sungmin was moaning, despite the ache he could already feel from where Donghae had penetrated.
--
Things had inevitably changed from that moment on, and now they really were fuck buddies, taking every chance they knew they were safe to do something their parents, even some of their friends, would castrate them for doing.
Sungmin always came back for more, always gave everything he had, even when, in the back of his mind, he knew what they were doing was stupid. Even when, in the back of his mind, he knew he needed to stop this.
Nothing mattered when Donghae was nearby, nothing mattered but Donghae’s kisses, the feel of Donghae’s skin under his fingertips, and the feel of Donghae inside of him, the only man he’d let get close to him, the only person he’d let touch him in an intimate way.
Donghae. It was always Donghae.
--
Winter Break. Sungmin would be eighteen soon, and Donghae already was. He’d become distant lately, something Sungmin had expected, had known would happen, and he wondered if maybe he’d read Donghae wrong.
Maybe Donghae didn’t love him, maybe he never had. He’d never said it, never confirmed it, so maybe Sungmin had been wrong from the very beginning.
And maybe that was for the best. Maybe that would make things a hell of a lot easier, and Sungmin could forget everything he’d ever given to Donghae. Maybe it was all for the better he’d never handed Donghae his heart on a silver platter, even if Donghae had unknowingly stolen it.
Maybe he could turn around and pretend this mistake had never been made.
--
It was almost Sungmin’s birthday and Donghae’s parents were out, so Donghae had insisted he come over. They’d watched a movie at first, acting as normal as they always did, and then Donghae’s lips had attached themselves to his and they’d found themselves stumbling up the stairs to Donghae’s room.
Now they were laying on Donghae’s bed, Donghae’s head pillowed against his stomach, fingers caressing soft thighs, and Sungmin couldn’t help but shiver in pleasure. Donghae’s touch was forever able to set his body on fire, even if he was too tired to be feeling up again anytime soon.
“You’ll be eighteen in a few days…” Donghae said quietly after a long moment of silence, voice reflecting the softness Donghae had been showing him all night. He’d been so quiet tonight, not quite distant like the last week, but quiet, and so sweet. Sungmin was afraid of the implications behind that, and opened his eyes, blinking himself out of a pleasured haze.
“I know,” he replied just as quietly, staring at the top of Donghae’s head.
“Everything changes then, doesn’t it?”
“Yes.” Once Sungmin was eighteen, he’d be old enough to make his own choices, and everything he and Donghae had done would be less dangerous. Which was exactly why they had to stop.
Their families wouldn’t have to leave the country, but they would, and were Sungmin’s feelings really worth it? It was time to put that to the test, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for that.
Especially with distant Donghae.
They should end it here. Tonight. This should be the last time they kissed, the last time they were intimate.
“I don’t want to lose you…” Donghae finally said and Sungmin tilted his head down again to stare into the sad brown eyes of his best friend, fingers starting to cart through soft brown hair.
“Donghae…”
“I love you, Sungmin.” It took a moment for his words to sink in, but when they did, Sungmin sat bolt upright, hand ripping away from Donghae’s hair, and Donghae sat upright as well from the sudden movement.
“Sungmin?”
It wasn’t as if Sungmin hadn’t suspected as much for nearing two years now, but to hear it.
“Don’t say that!” he shouted suddenly, eyes wide and fearful. “You can’t love me Donghae, you can’t! This is nothing, we are nothing!” The words were free of his mouth before he could think them through, before he could even decide whether or not he meant them.
“This is just teenage hormones and lust, and, and…” but he trailed off, tears in his eyes and in his voice where he choked on them.
He turned his head away, taking in a deep lungful of sex tainted air, and tried to calm down. He hadn’t expected Donghae to say I love you, hadn’t expected his own body to betray him the way it had.
The way his heart had lodged in his throat had scared him, the idea of giving up everything for love had scared him, and he’d opened his mouth before he could stop himself. The fear was irrational, but maybe that was his answer. Maybe his feelings weren’t enough for him to choose Donghae.
He heard Donghae sigh, felt the touch of tentative fingers on his hand, and flinched, but Donghae ignored that, and stroked his fingers.
Sungmin could only shudder and close his eyes at the feeling of Donghae’s warm hand against his own.
Donghae’s touch had always set his body on fire, why should his body react differently now, when Sungmin was about to lose his touch forever?
“Sungmin…I’m always going to love you. I always have. You can’t back out on me now, it’s too late. You jumped into this with me, and I’m not going to let you go.” Tearing his hand out from beneath Donghae’s, Sungmin stood up in all his naked glory, too angry, too scared, to care.
Donghae had seen it all before anyway.
“Aren’t you listening to me Donghae!?” he screeched, blood pounding behind his temples, adrenaline pumping through his veins. “I don’t love you, so you can’t love me! We can never be together Donghae!” he lied, tears streaming down his cheeks. Donghae looked wounded, eyes wide and starting to fill with tears, but he sucked it up, didn’t fall apart like Sungmin was doing, and even in that moment, Sungmin had to envy Donghae’s strength.
“You can’t lie to me Sungmin, it’s all in your face,” he said quietly, face dim, and Sungmin wondered if his feelings really were all over his face, or if Donghae were clutching at last straws.
“They’d never let us be together…” he whispered, staring at the floor, watching his tears fall to the ground, and then Donghae was there, a hand reaching out to wipe away his tears. Sungmin flinched, starting to cry in earnest again, not a sound leaving his lips, but tears built up behind his eyes stronger than ever.
“I told you you couldn’t lie to me. You wouldn’t be crying if you didn’t love me…” Sungmin had to wonder when he’d become the emotional one. He’d always thought, when it came down to it, he’d be the calm one, the cold one, when he walked away from Donghae, and Donghae would be the one crying.
But it was the other way around, and Donghae was still here, trying to hold them together rather than pull them apart.
“We can’t…” Sungmin said quietly again, pulling away from Donghae and turning the other way. “We can’t…” and with one last sigh, Donghae turned around and left, to where, Sungmin didn’t know, because they were in Donghae’s room, he was in Donghae’s house, and he knew he should be the one leaving.
Instead, Sungmin sat on the edge of Donghae’s bed, and stared at the far wall, unsure what to do next.
--
His eighteenth birthday, and he was at a club with some friends, grinding against a girl he wasn’t sure wasn’t under fourteen, but his thoughts were far away, in a room with Donghae, the smell of sex in the air…
If he hadn’t insisted they couldn’t be together four nights ago, maybe Donghae would be here with him, or maybe Donghae would have set up something special for his eighteenth birthday, just like he’d set up something special for Donghae’s.
Maybe instead of breathing in the scent of cigarettes and perfume, he’d be breathing in the scent of Donghae’s aftershave, splashed against his neck. Maybe instead of feminine curves beneath his fingers, there’d be sharp angles and hard planes.
Sungmin would much rather have Donghae’s body next to his, would much rather be grinding against him…so why was he here?
He mentally shook himself. He’d already chosen, and he hadn’t picked Donghae. He’d picked freedom.
So why didn’t he feel free?
“I’m sorry,” Sungmin suddenly said as he pulled away from the girl, who looked taken aback at his quick departure. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, sending her a small, uncertain smile, and then disappeared into the dancing crowd.
He hurried to the bar and ordered three shots, then sat down and laid his forehead against the cool glass tabletop, wishing thoughts of Donghae would leave him alone.
After a few minutes, Kyuhyun sidled up next to him, and he looked up. “Why aren’t you out there dancing? There are at least three girls on the dance floor eyeing you like you’re a piece of meat,” Kyuhyun said assuredly, but his eyes were inquisitive when Sungmin turned to look at him.
Sungmin shrugged in response, and scanned the crowd, watching a few girls try and get him to come over, but he didn’t move from his place at the bar. There was only one person he’d be willing to dance with right now.
The clink of glass against the tabletop told him his shots were here, so he turned and took one before tossing it back. Kyuhyun watched him impassively.
“What’s up?” he finally asked, dark eyes piercing. Sungmin didn’t answer, instead choosing to throw back the other two shots before ordering three more.
Donghae, Donghae, Donghae. That’s what was up.
Kyuhyun sighed and ordered himself a drink as well, and they both waited in silence for a while.
“Have you ever been in love with someone you shouldn’t be, Kyuhyun?” Sungmin asked finally, voice quiet as he glanced at Kyuhyun. He expected to find the man staring at him, analytical, as he tried to read the why behind the question, but he was staring at the far wall, eyes unfocused and thoughtful. It threw Sungmin off.
After a moment, Kyuhyun’s gaze returned to his, and he smiled, before he turned and looked into the crowd. Sungmin followed his gaze, and when it landed on Zhou Mi, who was dancing rather sultrily with a girl on the dance floor, he knew who Kyuhyun was looking at, but he didn’t even gasp. Somehow, it wasn’t really surprising, so he sighed at the same time as his next three shots were set down in front of him.
“Does he know?”
“No,” Kyuhyun replied with a laugh. “Do you really expect me to tell him? Boy may act like a girl, but he’s straighter than a golf club.”
Sungmin didn’t even laugh, it was just too depressing, so he downed his fourth- his fifth- his sixth- shot, ordered three more, and then laid his head on his arm.
Kyuhyun got his drink next and took a swig of it, cringing as it went down.
“Why do you drink it if you don’t even like it?”
“The same reason your downing those shots.”
“But Zhou Mi’s with you…” Kyuhyun gave him an incredulous look.
“In my opinion, that’s a lot harder to swallow than knowing he’s at home, not dancing with you, but not dancing with some low down whore on the dance floor.” Sungmin had to laugh at that, turning his face down and away into his arm.
In his opinion, Kyuhyun was wrong. He’d much rather have Donghae here, dancing with some whore, groping her even, if it meant that they were cool and Donghae would never leave him.
After a moment, Kyuhyun asked, “So who are you in love with? Donghae?”
Turning his head again, Sungmin nodded. “He told me he loved me.”
He hadn’t expected a fist to collide with his head and he yelped, staring wide eyed at Kyuhyun as he sat up. “What the hell was that for!? That hurt you asshole!”
“What are you, stupid!?” Kyuhyun shouted incredulously, suddenly looking very angry. “Why are you whining about being in love with him if he loves you back!” Kyuhyun growled, socking him in the arm for good measure. Sungmin glared at him, affronted.
“Listen, if I knew Zhou Mi loved me back, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thought, I’d kiss him right here on the dance floor, in front of everyone in this club.”
“That’s easy for you to say, without the consequences staring you in the face!” Sungmin hissed, but Kyuhyun didn’t rise to the bait. He shook his head, the anger suddenly gone from his body, and sighed.
Running a hand through his hair, he said “Don’t waste something that others of us could only wish we had,” and then he was gone, weaving through the packed dance floor to reach Zhou Mi’s side and press his body up against the older man’s, hiding his face as he gave the rest of the world a show, no doubt desperate for Zhou Mi’s contact after the conversation they’d just had.
Zhou Mi would never think anything of it, and Kyuhyun’s secret would never be revealed.
Sighing, Sungmin rested his forehead back on the cool glass tabletop, wishing Zhou Mi was the one who loved Kyuhyun back, and not Donghae who loved him back. He felt pathetic, and it seemed like Kyuhyun deserved happiness a hell of a lot more than he did.
Reaching over, he took Kyuhyun’s deserted drink and swallowed the rest of it in one go, eyes squeezing shut at the burn as it went down. Whatever Kyuhyun had ordered was a hell of a lot stronger then the shots he’d been drinking.
When his next three shots were placed in front of him, he downed them one after another, sighing in pleasure.
“Your friend’s right, you know,” the bartender said suddenly, and Sungmin looked up at her, slightly shocked. “If the person I was in love with, loved me back, I would do anything for them, regardless of who they were.”
“He’s a man, I would lose everything-”
“You love him, don’t you? Then what does it matter.” She didn’t have to say another word, because Sungmin was out the door, all of the pieces lining up. Why should he be miserable on his eighteenth birthday when he knew the person he pined for loved him back?
--
By the time Sungmin reached a bus stop, he remembered he’d left his wallet at home, and decided it was for the best anyway. There was too much adrenaline coursing through his body for him to sit still very long, and panic was just starting to crawl up into his throat.
What the hell was he going to say to Donghae?
He was about to fucking ruin his life.
They’d never be allowed back in Korea.
Their families would abandon them.
As he started running, hoping the cold air would take the thoughts away, he found himself back at the same question that had denied him from telling Donghae he loved him. Are our feelings enough for this?
He kept running, taking the twists and turns he knew so well and trying to find short cuts, wishing he could just be at Donghae’s house already, before he changed his mind, before more time went by and Donghae decided he didn’t want to see him.
Before Donghae could decide he didn’t love him.
Finally, finally he found himself turning onto Donghae’s street and slowed down, heart pounding inside his chest. He didn’t know how Donghae was going to receive him, didn’t know if this was worth it, but he was almost to Donghae’s doorstep.
He wouldn’t turn back now.
The porch light was off, the carport was empty; the house was just as he’d left it four nights ago, and just as empty, though before he’d known Donghae was somewhere inside, and this time he was unsure.
He knocked before he could change his mind, and waited.
He heard no footsteps, heard no sounds, not even the drone of the TV or the sound of the shower. He wanted to turn around and leave right then, but he waited.
He waited because he knew if he turned around now and went home, he’d hate himself, he’d lose his nerve, and everything would have been for nothing.
It took a few minutes, but then Sungmin heard the sound of slow footsteps approaching the front door, and held his breathe. The porch light flipped on, the door opened, and Donghae stood in the doorway.
Letting out that breath with a sigh, Sungmin almost collapsed at Donghae’s feet, almost willing to beg the other to take him back.
“Sungmin? What the hell are you doing here at two in the morning?” Sungmin blinked.
“Two?”
“Yes, it’s two in the morning,” he said matter of factly, pushing the door all the way open and leaning against the door frame, face set in a hard mask Sungmin had never seen directed at him before. He could only stare back, bewildered, and Donghae’s hard mask fell.
“Are you…drunk?” he asked incredulously, standing up straight, brows furrowed as he looked Sungmin up and down. He wondered how he looked to Donghae - frazzled? Then Donghae was grabbing his wrist and dragging him inside, and Sungmin could only blink.
“Damnit, you are drunk!” Donghae growled, and Sungmin blinked again, realizing his mind was a little fuzzy, and he was stumbling a little more than normal.
Apparently he was a light weight. He hadn’t even drank that much, and you’d think the night air would have cleared his head.
“Damnit Sungmin, if I find out you drove here I’ll kick your ass.” Oh yea…his car. He giggled and covered his mouth with his hand, realizing he probably shouldn’t be laughing right now. Donghae turned to face him, eyes narrowed, but he didn’t comment.
Instead, he dropped Sungmin off on the couch and stomped back to the door to check the street for Sungmin’s car. Apparently satisfied, he came back in and stalked into the kitchen. He came back out with a glass of water.
Sungmin furrowed his nose at it, and Donghae rolled his eyes. “Just drink it Sungmin, or I’m going to kick your ass right back out of here.” Sungmin didn’t argue, his thoughts were too scattered, his body too weak to even think about arguing, so he drank it and then swayed to the side so he was half lying on the couch, looking up at Donghae.
Donghae was glaring at him, but Sungmin could see the worry in the lines of his mouth, the love in his eyes. He giggled. Donghae sighed and sat down beside him.
“Why are you here Sungmin?” he asked quietly, taking the cup out of the hand that was dangling dangerously close to the floor and putting it on the coffee table. “Why aren’t you with your friends? Partying it up on your birthday? You only turn eighteen once.”
Sitting up as straight as he could, Sungmin said, “Because I love you,” in a very serious voice that made him laugh. He collapsed against Donghae’s side, still giggling, with one hand gripping Donghae’s bicep, and the other dangerously close to a place Donghae no doubt didn’t want him touching in the state he was in.
Donghae shook his head. “You’re drunk,” he said, pushing Sungmin away. “Why is it that you can only say that to me when you’re drunk?” Sungmin stared at him, suddenly morose, and felt the tears start to trickle down his cheeks.
He hadn’t even realized tears were gathering in his eyes. Or maybe it was just the alcohol level in his blood that was making his mood swing so fast.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled quietly, and Donghae looked up to see that he was crying. Looking distressed, Donghae pulled him close and wrapped him in a hug.
“Everything’s going to be fine, Sungmin…” he whispered soothingly into his ear, but Sungmin shook his head.
“No, it’s not. You don’t love me anymore. I already lost you,” he cried, trying to push away from Donghae, but he only held him closer, rocking him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
He couldn’t quite hear what he said, but his strength was gone, and his mind was getting fuzzier, so he closed his eyes and let himself sleep.
--
Waking up sucked. His head was pounding, he could hardly think to remember last night, and he was too disoriented to even begin to imagine where he was.
He briefly wondered if Kyuhyun had taken him home, or if he’d just left him on his own couch. It would probably be a little easier on him if he was on Kyuhyun’s couch, because then he wouldn’t have to deal with his mom being pissed at him for getting drunk last night.
Groaning, Sungmin tried to open his eyes to see where he was, but the light pierced his irises and he decided he’d find out later. For now, he’d just avoid the light.
He felt someone’s weight settle down beside him and decided he must be in his own bed. He tried not to groan again at the lecture his mom would likely be waiting to give him.
“Here, take these,” a voice that wasn’t his mother’s said, and his eyes fluttered open. Wavy brown hair and soft features met his eyes, and he suddenly didn’t understand.
Why was Donghae at his house?
The question must have shown on his face because Donghae sighed. “You don’t remember last night, do you?” Sungmin shook his head, searching his memories for what had happened.
Had he been wrong and he wasn’t drunk? Had he been in an accident? Was he in a hospital? But there was no beeping coming from beside him, and it didn’t feel like he was in a hospital bed.
Donghae sighed again. “Take these and I’ll explain.” Sitting up straight, Sungmin finally realized that Donghae was holding two white pills and a cup of water.
When he took them from Donghae, he risked a glance around the room, and realized he was in fact in Donghae’s room, not in his own room. He tried not to cringe at the implications of that, and took what he assumed was aspirin.
His head still pounded, but it wasn’t so bad. He must not have gotten too drunk last night.
Good, if I wasn’t smashed, I couldn’t have done anything too stupid.
“I’m actually kind of hoping you’ll remember last night, because to be honest, I don’t really understand why you showed up on my doorstep drunk, confessing that you loved me.” Stunned, Sungmin stared at Donghae.
“I…what?” he finally asked after a few minutes of silence.
“You told me you loved me,” Donghae said impassively, but Sungmin thought he heard the compassion in his voice, thought he saw the love in Donghae’s eyes, and suddenly remembered seeing the same look on Kyuhyun’s face last night when he’d looked at Zhou Mi.
…if I knew Zhou Mi loved me back, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what the rest of the world thought, I’d kiss him right here on the dance floor…
Don’t waste something that others of us could only wish we had…
If the person I was in love with, loved me back, I would do anything for them, regardless of who they were…
He remembered now. Last night, he’d decided it didn’t matter if he was going to lose everything or not, and his only thought had been losing Donghae, had been losing his nerve, and knowing if he didn’t get to Donghae fast enough, he was going to lose him forever.
Sungmin decided then that his feelings hadn’t changed. He’d still willingly follow Donghae to the ends of the earth, and he still feared he was going to lose the man if he didn’t catch him quick enough.
Ducking his head, Sungmin said quietly “I…do love you Donghae…”
Donghae was silent, but Sungmin was too afraid to look up to see what he was thinking. He kept his head down, and stared at the patterns in the bed’s coverlet. One, two, three…
“Then why’d you run away.” Sungmin’s head snapped up at that, brow furrowed.
“I didn’t run away, you did!” he said incredulously, but Donghae’s face was hard again, and he didn’t feel like the man was even listening to him.
“’I don’t love you,’ ‘We can’t be together.’ Ringing any bells?” Sungmin frowned.
“I remember what I said Donghae, I was just being realistic-”
“You were just being a coward, that’s what you were being.” Sungmin glared at him.
“Are you going to keep acting like an obstinate ass, or are you going to let me tell you what I came to you tell you last night?” Donghae waved his hand to usher him on, face impassive as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“I was talking to Kyuhyun last night…” he started hesitantly, unsure what to say, “and I guess you could say he knocked some sense into me…him and the bartender at the club last night…” he grumbled, and glanced up at Donghae, who was still say staring at him impassively. Donghae raised a brow at him when it didn’t look like he was going to continue.
“Look, basically he told me that he wishes he had what I had, and that I shouldn’t be stupid and give it up. God Damnit Lee Donghae, I’m sorry okay? I’ve never faced rejection in my entire life, and you want me to be okay with knowing my whole family and my whole country will reject me for who I choose to love?” he hissed, slouching back against the bed.
“I love you okay?” he asked, frustrated.
Donghae smiled then, and uncrossed his arms before he climbed on top of Sungmin’s form, face hovering very close to his.
“Okay,” and then he was kissing him, lips so sure against his, so familiar, and Sungmin never wanted to lose him, never wanted to give up the feelings Donghae stirred inside of him.
Sighing, he sat up straighter, dragging Donghae with him until the man was half in his lap, and found his hand, twining their fingers together as Donghae kissed him breathless again.
Donghae pulled away after a few minutes and pulled Sungmin close to him, wrapping one arm around him, leaving the other twined with Sungmin’s.
“Fuck what the world says. I only need your hand to hold and your love to cherish, and I’ll be okay. I’ll always love you Sungmin.” Sungmin could only smile against his chest.
They sat there quietly for a few moments, and then Sungmin pulled away, a devious glint in his eye.
“I believe you owe me a birthday present, Donghae.” Donghae stared at him, incredulous, but then he caught sight of Sungmin’s smile, and grinned as well.
“That’s true…what exactly is it that you want?”
“You.”
“Good answer.”
--
It was nearing noon and they were still in bed, Sungmin laying on Donghae’s chest, humming contently as Donghae ran fingers through his hair, and neither of them wanted to move.
Sungmin’s headache was gone, and he supposed that proved that sex relieved headaches, because that’s what he and Donghae had been doing for the last couple of hours, and all he felt now was lazy and languid and very very good.
He supposed that also answered the question of whether or not his feelings for Donghae were enough for him to give up everything else, because he was perfectly willing to stay right here in this bed with Donghae, stark naked, until Donghae’s mother found them.
Sungmin couldn’t help giggling at the thought. He could just imagine the look on Mrs. Lee’s face.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing, nothing…” Sungmin said, still giggling. “Hey Donghae? Does your cell phone happen to be near by? I think I should call Kyuhyun and thank him.” Donghae laughed then as well and fished around on the table next to his bed, shifting slightly so Sungmin wasn’t as comfortable as he had been.
After a moment, they were both able to settle back as they had been, Sungmin with Donghae’s phone in hand.
Dialing numbers with quick fingers, Sungmin put the phone to his ear and waited for Kyuhyun to answer. It took eight rings before he did, and Sungmin wondered if that meant Kyuhyun had gotten drunk last night as well.
“Who the fuck is this?”
“Be nice, Kui Xian.”
“You, shut up.” Sungmin giggled.
“Bad timing, I guess. Look’s like we both got our happy ending then. I was just calling to thank you, but maybe you should be thanking me.”
Kyuhyun was silent for a moment, and then he scoffed. “Why should I be thanking you?”
“What made you decide it was all or nothing last night?”
There was silence again, and then a, “Fuck you,” before the line went dead. Sungmin laughed again and dropped the phone somewhere on the bed nearby before rolling over and crawling up Donghae’s chest.
“Interesting phone call.”
“Yes.”
“Who was he with?”
“Zhou Mi, now shut up, I can think of better things your mouth could be doing right now.”
--
Excuse the fact that Donghae is older. I messed up when I made it Sungmin’s soon to be eighteenth birthday that everything went down, and decided since Donghae’s birthday was annoyingly in October, almost a full year after Sungmin’s, he could be the older one.