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I can't seem to fucus on anything anymore. I'm having a terrible time keeping a hold of the things that are important to me. My only time of tranquility is sitting alone in the dark, letting words written to music travel through my body as if it's a calm stream that collects all my thoughts off the shore and let them all move at the same pace
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as for a ploy, there was no ploy. i love him. i didn't intentionaaly get pregnant, and i wasn't stoned and stupid. i was in love. i still am despite what anyone wants to believe. he told me he loves me and that he wanted me to have his kids, so i believe him. if that is false, he needs to tell me, not you. until then, i trust him not to lie to me, even if he doesn't trust me.
welfare was not at all on my list of possibilities, so you really don't need to throw "taxpayers" bullshit my way, because i'm in the same boat as you. my parents are both on unemployment and too lazy to get off their asses to get a job. i have very little respect for them in that manner.
and as far as us getting along, i still would like to just so you know.i have no problem with you, if anything, i feel like i can relate more to you now than before. we both love jack and cannot be with him for whatever reason. so if you do wind up coming to kc, i would be interested in meeting you. jack says we could be good friends if it weren't for him. i would like to at least meet you and see who the person was that meant so much to him, and still does. please don't think that i absolutely hate you. i don't. i am just jealous of you. ok? you win. he can't let you go, but it sure as hell seems like he has no problem letting me go. so that should make you happy. so if you would like to resolve these issues as much as i would, jackie knows how to find me. if not, oh well, we'll never meet and never know whether we could have been friends or not. and i'm sorry for that.
but yes, you were right. he didn't fuck his life up. i did. and i will never forgive myself for that.
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I brought up the welfare issue because 54% of all women who have children outside of marriage end up relying on it. Even I would like to think I'm special, but I'm sure every one of those women promised themselves that they wouldn't rely on it solely...and look at them now. It's so funny how people give in when the world falls around them. Jackie is definately not one to argue that point alone.
I have no intention of "winning" anything. There's no reason in the world to be jealous of me at all. Jackie has never conspired to win me back, just as I haven't him. He let me go the day he slept with you. It's my fault for continuing contact with him after those incidents, and I'm sure he would have been utterly happy with you had I not been so offended by that mistake on his part. But I have to stand by my decision now and help him in any way that I can. It's what a friend would do...and that's what I am: a friend. As a metaphorical olive branch, let me give you this advice: Go up to him, ask him directly for his perspective of why you two got together, why he slept with you, why he helped you during pregnancy, and why he broke up with you. Then don't say another word to him until he has had enough time to re-evaluate his situation in life and with you. If, after that time, he still loves you...then take what he has told you about what you both did wrong, change it, and when you're through, get together again. If I ever make it up to Kansas, I'll get a hold of you. If you ever need help with him, Stephie and I have already started a support group and you're welcome to join. Jackie knows how to contact me if you ever need to.
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and when all this is resolved, i hope he does still love me and that he does want to work things out. but i don't want to push him, i want him to come to me because he wants me. you know what i mean? yeah, gimme a call sometime if ya wanna talk. i'm always here to lend an ear and could use someone other than my mom to talk to. maybe a friendship could develop. we'll see.
jack: you just need to know that i am not going to put my life on hold and wait forever for you. you do need to make a decision sometime and let me know. while not rushing into anything romantic, i am moving on and pursuing the things that i desire in life: my school, my job (sort of), and saving money for my own place. and besides, if you ever want jenna or angel, the only way to get them is to "win me back". lol.
and goddamn, do you ever need to do alot to do that. you pull a lot of shit that i have decided i am not putting up with anymore. and unless you quit that, i'm sorry jack, but that's that. you need to stop pulling my strings to get what you want and abusing my love for you. you know that i love to spoil you and treat you like a king. only a queen treats her lover like a king and although i have treated you like a king, you've made it obvious that i am not your queen.
you say that you want to get back together at some point and i see you getting upset and frustrated at the issues you have around honesty, but the goings on that i am hearing about as of late are things that are not acceptable to me in a continued relationship with you.
if this angers you, maybe it hits close to home and you should take time to reflect and talk to your friends. if you want to get together with me and talk about it, i'd be willing to do that, give me a call. i would hope that we are both able to make the changes needed to get back together. until you tell me how exactly you are feeling about everything involving us, i will be here. i am still your friend, i will listen to and support you. and if you want to hang out with me or whatever, you know my number. i would love to hear from you when you are ready.
i have loved you since i met you and will love you until the day i die. that i have already promised you. please show me whether you feel the same way or not.
ps: jenna is adjusting great. she had a flea problem, and a mild worm scare, but she's all better now and out of quarrentine. she's running around beating the shit out of the dogs, but is still afraid of dickens. she is very tolerable and warming up quickly to hanna, who treats jenna like her little baby.
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Unintenional dishonesty? You knew you were lying to me, you lied to my face, and you tried to hide it. From the moment we were going out. "Did you ever sleep with Stevo?" "No" "Promise? You're not lying to me?" "I'd never lie to you". What did I find out a couple weeks later? That you -lied-. What about not smoking ciggerettes? You knew you did, and you knew you were stopping for a good reason. But you just couldnt resist, could you? When Andrea broke your cover, you got the most evil look of anger. Now, if it was unintentional, why would you get angry like that? How about smoking pot? Waiting till I had left, and making sure you weren't doing it when I got back. Smoking pot was more important to you then your promise to me.
So who was playing who? The night we broke up, 6 months of being together, and you didnt even know a damn thing about me. Remember that conversation? You knew I like D&D, video games... and that was it. You couldnt think of anything else. What was your reasoning? "better late then never"? I believe those were the exact words. Better late then fucking never.
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My guess is both.
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