How The Zombie Apocalypse Ruined Danny's Weekend H50 Steve/Danny NC-17
Title: How The Zombie Apocalypse Ruined Danny's Weekend
Paring/s: Steve/Danny
Genre: Humor, established relationship
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3,605
Warnings/Spoilers: Itsy bitsy one for 1x7 Ho'apono. Also, I don't know if I need to warn for it but just to be on the safe side: slight food kink which I totally blame on sanguine2 's Desert Anyone? fic. Also, there is kind of accidental voyeurism but not really.
Summary: Zombie apocalypse. Because every fandom needs one.
Author's note: Originally done for sheafrotherdon 's Steve Hugs Danny fest. I took the original ficlet and expanded on it. :::looks at fic:: Oh god. I don’t even know where my brain got this. Elements taken from the game Left4Dead but you don't need to know that game to understand this.
****
It had been the shitty week to end all shitty weeks for the 5-0 team. They'd been chasing bioterrorists all over the islands in an attempt to keep them from releasing a deadly virus into the population. The terrorists were ransoming the state for millions and had kidnapped a small group of twenty people to use for 'demonstration purposes.' 5-0 had shown up minutes after the virus had been unleashed on them.
One of the women kidnapped was a friend of Kono's who was supposed to get married that weekend. Everyone had taken it personally and Kono had been absolutely rabid about wrapping up this case and retrieving her friend safely. It had taken Chin and Danny tackling her to keep her from opening the door and exposing them all. To make up for it, they let Kono beat the hell out of the three terrorists who'd been stupid enough to stay in the same building as their victims and leave the door to their lab unlocked.
"Hazmat's here," Danny said slumping against the wall and looking at his phone. "And we missed a call from Grace. Damn." He calmly stepped to the side as Kono threw a terrorist against the wall. "Aim a little further to the left, Kono. I hate that she's in London." Danny felt Steve look down at him as he cuffed the suspect. "Grace not Kono, obviously," he said with a small smile standing back up. Grace was visiting relatives with Rachel and Stan for the next month. The only good part about that was Danny would get her for a month when she got back. He felt Steve squeeze his hand. They both flinched as one of the men landed near Chin.
Chin, who was currently working his magic on one of the computers in the room, merely looked down at the terrorist. "Password." When the guy started to mouth off, he pulled out his gun and shot at the floor near the guy's dick. "Now."
"'Apocalypse'!"
"Really? Huh," Chin said unimpressed as he typed. "Roll over and put your hands back or I'll let her rip out your heart through your rib cage."
The guy started to sneer then looked at Kono, who was currently shoving a hotplate into another guy's face, before rolling over and putting his hands behind his back.
Steve, for his part, was equal parts pissed off and proud. He hated that they hadn't been able to prevent the kidnap victims from being exposed to the virus. On the other hand, Kono was becoming such a bamf under his tutelage.
"You look like a proud papa," Danny nudged him.
"I kind of feel like one between her and Gracie," Steve said thoughtfully. Before he could say anything else his phone rang. "Yes, Governor? Yes, we do have the suspects in custody." He sighed, "No, ma'am, not in time to stop them from exposing their victims to the virus. The hazmat team is taking them into custody. No, none of us were exposed. Chin is going through their computer now. I'll keep you informed." He ran a hand over his face and hung up. "I hope there's a cure."
Danny cringed as Kono delivered a vicious kick to their last suspect's groin. "For their sakes if nothing else."
****
Oddly, for all the freaking out and late nights and megalomaniacal talk about a new world order by the terrorists, nothing really happened. Samples of the virus had been taken by the CDC. The kidnapped group had been quarantined for a week and released without problems. 5-0 and the suspects had been quarantined (not together) for a few days on the off chance they'd been exposed, but everything seemed fine.
Everyone was tired and snappish, however, and the governor had been gracious enough to give them the next week off after they'd wrapped up the case. Steve finagled a suite at the Hilton, packed his and Danny's bags, practically thrown Danny into the Camaro and driven them to the hotel. Once there, they'd fucked each other senseless and fallen into bed.
The first inkling Steve had that maybe it was time to wake up was when something slightly chilly and wet slid over his cock. He blinked and looked down in time to see Danny slide another pineapple ring around his cock. It stretched slightly before breaking and Steve shuddered as juice slid down his balls.
Huh. Pineapple cock rings. That was new.
"Morning, babe," Danny said calmly as he reached over to the bedside table and picked up a bottle of chocolate sauce. He hummed softly as he squeezed. Chocolate poured out of the bottle and liberally coated the pineapples and Steve's cock.
"Morning," Steve cleared his throat and gasped as Danny took an experimental lick of the head. Apparently, the taste met with his approval because he put the bottle back on the bedside table. "Um…"
"Yes?" Danny took a long lick up Steve's cock before settling down to nibble the pineapple around the base.
When Steve finally regained higher brain function what came out of his mouth wasn't what he'd been planning to say. "What brought this on? Oh God!" He thrust up involuntarily as Danny's mouth slid down and he sucked. After a moment, his hips were pinned down as Danny lifted off his cock.
"Well, you know I don't like pineapple on pizza right? It's an absolute abomination and flies in the face of good pizzas everywhere. However, I decided I haven't been fair to pineapples." He fondled Steve's balls. "Are you with me, babe? Oh, look at that. I got chocolate all over my hand." He slid a finger in his mouth and sucked as Steve groaned. "Did you want some? Tastes really good with pineapple." He obligingly pulled off a piece of pineapple and fed it to Steve who eagerly took it and sucked Danny's fingers into his mouth. "As I was saying, mmmm…." He chuckled and finally pulled his fingers away. "I figured that I should combine pineapple with something I love," he grinned at Steve, "like chocolate." He bit his lip as Steve's laughter shook the bed. "Add those two things to giving you blow jobs and I could see myself loving pineapples."
"Have I told you how much I love your mouth?" Steve ran his thumb over Danny's lower lip.
Danny chuckled, "Yes, last night after I got done rimming you." With that he took Steve back into his mouth and sucked for all he was worth.
When Steve came down off his post orgasmic high, he found himself with an armful of Danny. "Hi."
"Hi," Danny grinned down at him and thrust a few times. "I have a bit of a problem. Care to help me out?"
Before Steve could answer his phone rang. With a groan, he answered it. "Someone had better be dead. Oh. Hi, Kono." He grunted as Danny's head hit his chest with a thump. "Apparently, they were able to reschedule the wedding. I forgot I told Kono she could change here if they did." He shook his head in amusement, "And she's dragged poor Chin with her."
"Does she have ESP or something?" Danny sat up and ran his hand through his hair then grimaced as he realized that was the hand with chocolate in it. "I haven't gotten laid at all this past week and a half and when I finally get a chandelier-swinging-no-clothes-until-Monday- sex-a-thon you're telling me she's coming up here to change for a wedding?" He gave Steve an exasperated look. "Do you just never want to fuck again? You need to let me know these things!"
Steve's laughing too hard to answer, but he does wave the phone in Danny's general direction which probably means Kono wants to verbally eviscerate him. With a sigh, Danny took the phone. "Morning, Kono… No, Kono, I don't want embarrass your friend by having you show up to her wedding in your sweat pants." He looked up at the ceiling with a 'why, dear God, why?' expression on his face then he pinked up. "Maple syrup?!" He raised an eyebrow at Steve who hid under one of the pillows. "No, we figured out that was too sticky." His face suddenly turned red and Danny hemmed and hawed for a moment. "Well, um…pineapple rings and chocolate syrup," he said making a gesture and suddenly looking at his hand. "Steve? Where did my wed-" A gold band popped up in front of his face and Danny looked at Steve, impressed. "Wow. You really do suck like a Hoover." He suddenly laughs, "No, Kono, that's not why I married him. That was just a bonus. Can you give us twenty minutes or so?"
"Why did you marry me if not for my amazing powers of suction?" Steve grins at him as he gets up to take a shower.
Danny stared at him for a moment with such seriousness that it made Steve pause. "Graham Wilson put a gun to your head, Steven. After that, I realized living without you really wasn't an option. Even if this," he gestured between them, "hadn't happened I-mmrph!" Danny caught Steve as the other man crashed into him. Locked in a kiss, they went over the side of the bed and fell onto the floor.
It was closer to thirty minutes before they let an amused Kono and a slightly horrified Chin into the room. She waved her phone at them. "Do you guys just have a voyeurism kink or something? This is like the third time you've forgotten to hang up!"
****
"She ambushed me," Chin explained, gratefully sucking down a cup of coffee as Kono changed in the bathroom. "I was planning to spend half the day catching up on my sleep. Then I was going to spend the rest of the day making up for the fact that the only sex I've had this week was with my right hand. Suddenly, there she was! All rabid cheer and 'Get up, cuz! We gotta go!' Then she went through my closet. I want to die." His face disappeared behind the cup.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Danny said looking at Steve who was busy casing the exits.
"You should. Kono's friend, Mariko, wants to thank you for saving her so she wants you at the wedding." He pointed to the garment bag draped over the back of the couch." She made me help her break into your house and go through your closets."
"Do you not have any will power?" Steve asked raising an eyebrow.
Chin looked up at him. "It's a wedding and there's a woman involved. Seriously? You don't get between those and expect to live."
"Time to go," Danny dived for his car keys. Steve was already halfway out the door.
"Hold it right there, Williams!"
Danny hit the deck and the heel that Kono threw to stop him bounced off the back of Steve's head. Danny looked from his keys to the window.
"Don't even think about it," Kono fastened an earring as she glared at him. Then she turned to Steve. "You get back in here! Mariko wants to thank you guys. So you are going to change into those clothes. You will plaster a smile on your face and when she says 'thank you' you will nod and smile and say 'you're welcome'!" Kono rolled her eyes as Danny and Steve pouted and reluctantly took the garment bag. "You guys are such fucking pussies."
Steve paused and turned to Danny. "You know, she's starting to sound like you when she rants. I think I should start limiting how much time you two spend together."
****
So Danny's now wearing a Hawaiian shirt (something he thought would never happen) and a pair of khakis. On the upside, he hasn't had to kill anyone for trying to make a move on Steve who looks amazing in his own Hawaiian shirt and khakis. On the downside, it's hot, they've been standing for awhile and sand is slowly taking up residence in his shoes. The bride hasn't made her appearance and Kono's starting to get antsy. Chin's no help; he's trying to sleep behind his sunglasses. Just as Danny's looking for a way to make a strategic retreat and drag Steve back up to the room, the bride finally shows up.
Except that she's not a happy bride going by the wailing that precedes her. By all accounts Mariko started the day out as a beautiful bride in a white sundress. Now, her skin is a shade of Borg gray, slick with sweat and mottled. Her hair is in disarray and her dress is torn and tattered. Danny and the other guests look on with mounting horror as she stumbles down the aisle to her equally horrified groom.
"Are her eyes glowing red?" Steve leans over and whispers.
"Oh, there is no way this ends well," Danny quietly moans as the bride reaches the front because he's just noticed her unnaturally long and sharp nails. He taps Chin on the shoulder in case the other man is still asleep.
Chin steps back and grabs a handful of Kono's dress to pull her with him. "We missed something," he says to them quietly so as not to alarm any of the other guests. "If Mariko's turned into a…a…zombie then what's happened to the rest of the people who were exposed to the virus?"
"Everyone seemed fine when they were released," Steve said. "They're all over the island by now. Who knows if they've infected anyone else?" That's when all hell breaks loose as Mariko lets out a shrill scream and tears into her fiancé with her claws.
Yeah, this is going to be such a bad day.
****
On a scale of one to ten, one being a not bad day and ten being the worst day possible, today surpasses ten and heads into the stratosphere of shitty days. Steve and Danny get separated from Chin and Kono in the chaos of fleeing wedding guests. However, instead of getting out of the hotel which is what Danny suggests (demands); they go up to the suite where Steve starts pulling out weaponry from his duffle bag.
"Seriously?" Danny looks at him like he's grown two heads. "You brought weapons to our wild monkey, chandelier-swinging sex weekend?" Danny looks around like a Candid Camera crew is going to pop out at any moment. "We've lost the Wonder Twins and you've got weaponry in your overnight bag? What. The. Fuck?!" He looks at Steve for a moment. "We need to have a conversation about kinks, babe. I gotta tell ya. I'm not really into gun play."
"Danny, it's us. Did you really think we'd have a weekend where weapons wouldn't factor in at some point?" Steve says in explanation and gives him a fond look. It's ridiculous how that warms Danny inside despite the dire situation. His arms automatically come up when Steve presses one of the submachine guns into them. Steve then puts his arms around Danny and squeezes. Danny wiggles and gets the weapon out from between them before clutching at Steve. They stay like that for what feels like an eternity listening to the sounds of screaming and running footsteps before parting. "I love you," Steve whispers in Danny's ear. "We'll get through this."
"I love you, too, you insane boy scout." Danny shifts so that they're foreheads are pressed together. "You are not allowed to do anything stupidly heroic. I don't want to have to explain to our daughter that I let her Step-Steve get eaten by zombies. Got it?"
"Got it," Steve kisses him but it's not a farewell kiss by any means. There's a grin on Steve's lips and Danny knows it's a promise that they'll get through this together.
Most likely with explosions.
"We going down or up?" Danny finally says as they break apart.
Before Steve can answer, his phone rings. "Chin? Where are you guys? Are you okay?" He puts the call on speaker and kneels to go through the other weapons in the duffle.
"Kono and I made it out okay," Chin says and they can hear gun fire in the background. "By the way, Steve, you two are never to drive anywhere together again if we survive this. She plowed through zombies like they were mannequins!"
Danny just shakes his head. That sounds about right. Kono is just as bad a Steve some days. "Where are you guys?"
"Headquarters. HPD is overwhelmed with reports of zombies. They're everywhere and their numbers are growing." Chin replied and they can hear Kono swearing in the background. "I'm pulling all the info on that virus. I gave a copy of it to the CDC but I think there might have been a cure in there. If we make it out then we can at least get the formula to someone who can start manufacturing it immediately. I've sent it out to a few other people…just in case," Chin finished quietly.
"What about the idiots who created this mess?" Danny shot a concerned look at their door. It was starting to get quiet out there. He knew that in video games this was when the music changed heralding the arrival of something that was going to try to kill them. Apparently, Steve had noticed as well because he was staring at the door like a watch dog.
"We called the prison on the way here," Kono says and there's a snap-click as she reloads her gun. "Apparently, one of the people exposed to the virus was a prison guard." She let out a huff of amusement. "He ate them."
"How poetic," Steve said dryly, running a hand over his face. He pulled a shot gun out of the duffel and checked it.
"Tell us about it. Fucking idiots," Kono groused. "By the way, aim for the head. Guards said that was the fastest way to put the zombies down. We're going to try and make it to the airfield and get a chopper. Think you can hang tight?"
"We'll try. We'll see you on the roof. Good luck," Steve said before hanging up.
"So we go up." Danny starts to head for the door and pauses. "We might run out of ammo," he starts to say before catching sight of Steve dragging the duffel behind them. "Was I the only one who brought clothes for this weekend?"
"You were planning on getting dressed?"
"For dinner maybe," Danny replied as he opened the door. For a moment they paused, staring at the massive gray skinned monstrosity standing outside their door. What was once a man has bulked up to three or four times ordinary size. His arms are freakishly long causing his knuckles to drag along the floor. Strangely, his head hasn't grown at all and appears small and shrunken in comparison to the rest of him. The thing lets out a roar in Danny's face. "God, you need a tic-tac," Danny manages before realizing that maybe shooting it would be a better idea than talking to it.
Then Steve calmly lowers his shot gun and blows the damn thing's head off. "Come on."
Yup, just like a damn video game.
****
That was three hours ago. Steve and Danny managed to fight their way to the roof and set up a defensible position on one side. They're practically hip deep in zombie bodies and running low on ammo. The occasional look over the side of the building shows complete chaos on the streets below them.
"Running out of ammo, babe," Danny yells as he aims and shoots.
"I've got machetes in the bag," Steve shoots another zombie headed their way.
"Who packs shit like that?! Seriously?!" Danny yells. "Damn these things move fast. Why can't they be like zombies from the sixties? Slow, plodding, disintegrating things you can run away from?" His gun clicks and he throws it at another zombie in frustration before taking the machete Steve hands him.
Just as they're about to hack away at another approaching crowd of zombies there's the sound of an approaching chopper. Chin waves at them from the cockpit gets the chopper close enough that the rotating blades make the zombies think twice before approaching.
"Climb in!" yells Kono, opening the door and holding a hand out.
As they fly away from the Hilton, Steve pulls Danny back against him. Danny turns in his arms and buries his face in Steve's neck. "Today was a shitastic day," he murmurs holding Steve tight. There are zombie guts in their clothing and hair and they smell bad, but Danny takes a deep breath and finds Steve's scent underneath all that. Today was a shitty ass day but their team is alive and well, Gracie is safe, and they're getting away from the zombies. Best of all, Steve is safe in his arms.
"It could have been worse," Steve replies pressing his lips against Danny's temple. "It could have been our wedding day."
"Steve, we had bomb threats on our wedding day. Kono was wearing a gun under her dress. Chin had that damn shotgun behind the altar! You're lucky my parents didn't see that."
"I know! See? Silver lining!" Steve replies with a goofy smile.
"You're insane," Danny laughs. "You also still owe me a sex weekend," he says turning and kissing Steve for all he's worth.
"You guys are not having sex in this helicopter!" Chin hollers from the cockpit.
Kono just shakes her head. "Voyeurism kink I'm telling you."
Steve and Danny smile and laugh as they fly into the sunset.
The End.