those days have all but gone, and still I'm listening in
yesterday I found the key to finally fixing my mood, which has been awful for several days. I got out and into Baltimore on my own, and exploring and involving myself in things really made me feel happy. I suppose that's something I picked up while abroad; it's nice because making acquantances with strangers reminds me that I'm an interesting and confident individual, and because seeing new things (especially from behind a camera's lens) makes me start seeing everything better because I look with more interest and motivation. I'm really happy when the whole world seems pretty to me. I'm also in love with Baltimore, even though it sometimes does scary things when I get myself and my friends lost there at night (oops). I'm going to start kicking myself off campus by myself more often... maybe once a week, if I can, until it gets cold.
I got kind of manic on that trip and was pretty well insane last night... but it was an okay change from the few days before, when I really didn't like myself and felt crappy about the things I'm doing with my life.
I have some really dumb ideas right now that I'm not letting go, and no good will come of it in the end... but plenty will in the meantime. so I guess stupidity is just my way of life from time to time.
I found an old entry today and am glad that I refreshed myself on the ideas therein: I'm angry at the way I've been treated by friends lately, but I think that the reason I can't let it go is because under all of that I'm angry at the world and can't do anything about it. I wanted things to be something that they weren't, and I had faith and believed that they were, and I put so much of the best of me into finding that faith. and it seems so horribly unfair that it was hollow, and that the more I look at it, the more I see how it was rotting on the inside and the nice facade was chipping off all the time. it seems unjust of life in general.
and I have a right to be angry at the people. it's hard for me to forgive people who have wronged me... but I want to like the world, and I want to like life, without question. even if it's not fair. can't start making a list of grievances against life itself. it's a beautiful thing, at its core.
now, I really do need to start searching for a new laptop and doing my homework. I'm learning to associate the library with whole days of shitting around.
I got kind of manic on that trip and was pretty well insane last night... but it was an okay change from the few days before, when I really didn't like myself and felt crappy about the things I'm doing with my life.
I have some really dumb ideas right now that I'm not letting go, and no good will come of it in the end... but plenty will in the meantime. so I guess stupidity is just my way of life from time to time.
I found an old entry today and am glad that I refreshed myself on the ideas therein: I'm angry at the way I've been treated by friends lately, but I think that the reason I can't let it go is because under all of that I'm angry at the world and can't do anything about it. I wanted things to be something that they weren't, and I had faith and believed that they were, and I put so much of the best of me into finding that faith. and it seems so horribly unfair that it was hollow, and that the more I look at it, the more I see how it was rotting on the inside and the nice facade was chipping off all the time. it seems unjust of life in general.
and I have a right to be angry at the people. it's hard for me to forgive people who have wronged me... but I want to like the world, and I want to like life, without question. even if it's not fair. can't start making a list of grievances against life itself. it's a beautiful thing, at its core.
now, I really do need to start searching for a new laptop and doing my homework. I'm learning to associate the library with whole days of shitting around.