(no subject)
i went 2 camp snooby w/ becca and her family 2day in celebration of me n beccaz b-dayz. i really enjoyed spendin time w/ them all cuz they r juss such a close-knit family and sooo exepting to me and anna dat i juss dont feel left out hangin out w/ them at all...itz like i m part of their family too...and they're so easy to talk to and b urself w/. so yea i had LOTZ of fun but i wont get into dat cuz i the part of the day dat REALLY effected me wuz on the ride home from camp snooby...
i sat in the front w/ beccaz dad...welllll cuz he wuz driven. well becca n anna were goofin off and not payin atteniton so i thought i'd talk to him about the whole "i hate god" thing, cuz they're a really big christian family and he seemz so wise and open minded about everythin and hez easy to talk 2 and i juss really think i needta figure all these emotionz out. he knowz mary cuz i met becca at swim team like i met mary. and he knowz about her situation and how good of friendz me n mary are. i explained to him dat ever since the beginning of her momz cancer mary believed so strongly dat god would help. she trusted him and juss never gave up hope to him. then he had to let it happen anywayz. i explained dat it angerz me dat hiz the ONLY one dat coulda stopped it and he didnt...and basically everythin else i already explained in here. afta i wuz done he thought about it fer awhile and then sed
"i believe god has a plan for all of us. i think more timez then not that hez planz dont turn out perfectly cuz itz only in our power to listen to him and make the choices he wants us to make. a lotta timez wat god has on peoples plans are very hard for us to understand. like why tiny babies die, and a gurl whoz only 15 has to lose her mother.... but he has plans and reasons. u hafta realize he seez thingz us people dont see cuz he iz ata greater power and...can just understand thingz a lot more then we can. in life u CANNOT dweal on the negative effects on gods plan. i m NOT sayin wonderful thingz happen in result of death...but there iz still good there somewhere. wat i see about the "good" in this situation iz dat teenagers often dont have time for their parents and pust them aside. at this time i think mary's mom iz closer to mary...and all her other loved onez...then she ever has been even though there iz no physical evedince. all it takes is for them to listen. meanwhile i understand ur feelingz about god rite now. talk to him. tell him u dont understand and listen for him talking back. talk to your parents, cuz they know more then u think sumtimez, and are possibly going through the same thing."
this REALLY helped me. i thought about it a lot. i guess my "hatred" towards god right now iznt solving a freaken thing. feeling madness and anger can never help u and juss makez u feel worse. at foist this thing seemed like a turnin point er sumthin...cuz i realize i m not helpin myself out by "hating" god er not even believing in him...but stuff like dat cant change overnite
and i feel about as far away from him as possible. and itz not juss cuz of the current situationz...i juss neva felt a connection between us. i know y this connection iz broken off iz intirely cuz i wont let him in my heart...but i cant juss suddenly let him in wen i havent basically my whole life...and on top of dat i still cant say i believe in him...
i wish i could say i do...
and follow all of beccaz dadz advice cuz it wuz very deep n meaningful and made a lotta sense to me
i sat in the front w/ beccaz dad...welllll cuz he wuz driven. well becca n anna were goofin off and not payin atteniton so i thought i'd talk to him about the whole "i hate god" thing, cuz they're a really big christian family and he seemz so wise and open minded about everythin and hez easy to talk 2 and i juss really think i needta figure all these emotionz out. he knowz mary cuz i met becca at swim team like i met mary. and he knowz about her situation and how good of friendz me n mary are. i explained to him dat ever since the beginning of her momz cancer mary believed so strongly dat god would help. she trusted him and juss never gave up hope to him. then he had to let it happen anywayz. i explained dat it angerz me dat hiz the ONLY one dat coulda stopped it and he didnt...and basically everythin else i already explained in here. afta i wuz done he thought about it fer awhile and then sed
"i believe god has a plan for all of us. i think more timez then not that hez planz dont turn out perfectly cuz itz only in our power to listen to him and make the choices he wants us to make. a lotta timez wat god has on peoples plans are very hard for us to understand. like why tiny babies die, and a gurl whoz only 15 has to lose her mother.... but he has plans and reasons. u hafta realize he seez thingz us people dont see cuz he iz ata greater power and...can just understand thingz a lot more then we can. in life u CANNOT dweal on the negative effects on gods plan. i m NOT sayin wonderful thingz happen in result of death...but there iz still good there somewhere. wat i see about the "good" in this situation iz dat teenagers often dont have time for their parents and pust them aside. at this time i think mary's mom iz closer to mary...and all her other loved onez...then she ever has been even though there iz no physical evedince. all it takes is for them to listen. meanwhile i understand ur feelingz about god rite now. talk to him. tell him u dont understand and listen for him talking back. talk to your parents, cuz they know more then u think sumtimez, and are possibly going through the same thing."
this REALLY helped me. i thought about it a lot. i guess my "hatred" towards god right now iznt solving a freaken thing. feeling madness and anger can never help u and juss makez u feel worse. at foist this thing seemed like a turnin point er sumthin...cuz i realize i m not helpin myself out by "hating" god er not even believing in him...but stuff like dat cant change overnite
and i feel about as far away from him as possible. and itz not juss cuz of the current situationz...i juss neva felt a connection between us. i know y this connection iz broken off iz intirely cuz i wont let him in my heart...but i cant juss suddenly let him in wen i havent basically my whole life...and on top of dat i still cant say i believe in him...
i wish i could say i do...
and follow all of beccaz dadz advice cuz it wuz very deep n meaningful and made a lotta sense to me