Don't mind me, just venting.
So I want to kill this waitress
She's worked here a year longer than I
If I did it fast, you know that's an act of kindness
But I believe in peace
I believe in peace, bitch!
I believe in peace
I believe in peace!
But I believe in peace
I believe in peace, bitch!
I believe in peace!
I want to kill this waitress
I can't believe this violence in mind
And is her power all in her club sandwich?
But I believe in peace
I believe in peace, bitch!
I believe in peace
I believe in peace!
But I believe in peace
I believe in peace, bitch!
I believe in peace!
I want to kill this killing wish
They're too many stars and not enough sky
Boys all think she's living kindness (heh)
Ask a fellow waitress
Ask a fellow waitress...
~The Waitress~
~Tori Amos~
I relate to this song too well, and I'll tell you why. I hero-worshiped several fandom BNFs, but I was also intimidated by them. But yay! I got to be friends with them! Only for them to turn out to be humongous jerks. Usually there was no way I could directly talk to them, unless it was through LJ comments or something. I was always baffled as to how many close friends these BNFs had, especially when said friends gushed about what nice and mature people they were when to me they were anything but. I kept my mouth shut, yearning to speak my mind even if it meant a blow-up between us. The more I thought about what I wanted to say to the BNFs who were my "friends", the angrier and angrier I'd get.
And I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong to bottle anger, I know it's wrong to be consumed by so much rage by someone for the pettiest reasons, it's wrong for me to be wasting my time on it. It drains me and makes me feel horrible, and I wish all that pent-up anger and grudges would go away, so I can focus the things I love and that make me happy, but it haunts me and I hate it. Hence the "I believe in peace, bitch!", "I can't believe this violence in mind" and "I want to kill this killing wish" lines. The BNFs may or may not be horrible people, and admittedly I was extremely spiteful toward a few of them for the stupidest, shallowest reasons, but this crippling bitterness is a feeling that I desperately wished would go away. And no song better expresses that than "The Waitress."
This post has been crossposted with Dreamwidth at http://shamanicshaymin.dreamwidth.org/56157.html. Pick your poison. Mwoiiiiiiiing~!