It's a thaaaaaaaaankless job, but SOMEBODY'S got to DO IT!
- Chocolate Raiiiiiiiiiiiin! Yeah, you're all thinking what I'm thinking.
- I'm a-okay with Discord as the villain. He's good at his job (damn, what a troll. :o), and that's fabulous. I approve. 8) Plus I like his voice though I know nothing of Q and Star Trek and whatnot. When he's in the stained glass, he's got that echo-y voice that sorta reminds me of Kuruku from Unico & the Island of Magic, except less screechy and 34783267x better voice-acted.
- The scene with the balloons was kind of creepy. D: It made me think of IT.
- Proof that Fluttershy is the Best Pony Ever. Dischord had to physically force her to be evil, she's that hardcore. It's funny how much of a Libby Mean!Fluttershy is. XD
- AAAAAAAAAAA cliffhanger. ;; TWILIGHT DO SOMETHING. DON'T FALL FOR DISCORD'S LIES. I wonder where Princess Luna is. SOMEONE HAS TO FIND SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. Like someone mentioned, maybe Zekora? Everfree Forest makes sense because that's where Twilight realized the rest of the Mane Six were her friends.
And now, you know what I'm going to discuss? Atari 2600. You know your novel's awesome when your research consists of you playing Older Than Nintendo old*sk00l games. If I can't get my hands on the system IRL (unless I go to the "Play It Again" store here in town, but that requires cash. D:) I can play it for free on the Internet and ROMs. And what better way to start than the classics? Like E.T. and Pacman, of course.
- E.T. is confusing as fuck. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I keep falling into pits and being kidnapped by men who drag me to The White House. WHAT'S WRONG E.T.? THE STEREOTYPICAL ALIEN ALWAYS ASKS TO BE TAKEN TO OUR LEADER, AND YOU GET THE U.S. PRESIDENT. BE GRATEFUL, DIPSHIT.
- Elliot's sprite kind of looks like Ernie from Sesame Street. He's supposed to give you a phone piece instead of Reese's Pieces when you call him, but as far as I'm concerned, HE'S RIPPED ME OFF OF FOOD. RIGHT AS SOON AS I FIGURED OUT THE BUTTON TO EAT AND GAIN STRENGTH IN THE FIRST PLACE. Then he keeps fucking reviving me each time I drop dead (sadistic motherfucker), until E.T. lies there with a glowing line on his stomach in front of his house and the game finally ends. They're not kidding when they say the title screen was the best part of the game. I cheered seeing it after I lost all my lives!
- Reading the manual and the ads feels so weird. THEY'RE TAKING THE BAD GAME SERIOUSLY. I can't link to the scans of the walkthrough directly, but you have to see it to believe it. They have names for of all the screens despite them looking virtually indistinguishable from each other: the Olive Pit screen (despite EVERY pit being olive-colored, DUR HUR HUR), the Flower Pit screen (Yes, I can totally see where I can find flowers in this stage! And the wilted flower you find that's supposed to give you an extra life? Looks like a mess of red M.S. Paint pixels before becoming anything resembling a flower) the Tar Pit screen (REDUNDANCY!) and the Snake Pit screen (where there's no snakes, not even Solid or Liquid ones), even making a page where you can cut out the screens and make a cube! "Think of the E.T. layout as a cube!" indeed.
They've got two different strategies for playing the game: the Sunday Afternoon Strategy and the Stopwatch Strategy. They're the relaxed and easy way to play the game respectively. After being tricked into understanding how the game works, I played it a second time. Guess what, it was still confusing as hell, and E.T. kept stretching his neck for no reason. Even when there was a question mark "?" on top of the screen! Before, it flashed a gold phone spot in one of the pits, but now E.T. was just wasting energy. Goodie. And Eddie Valiant and Blue Guy in the White Coat (Really? That's a Scientist? He looks like he escaped from an asylum!) kept popping up no matter what I did. And yes, the private investigator can get glitched and constantly walk beneath an overscreen pit.
- Wonder why you keep falling into pits? As the manual lovingly--or shall I say, prophetically--tells you, "Even experienced extra-terrestrials sometimes have difficulty levitating out of wells!"
"Start to levitate E.T. by first pressing the controller button and then pushing your Joystick forward. E.T.'s neck will stretch as he rises to the top of the well {see E.T. levitating in Figure 1}. Just when he reaches the top of the well and the scene changes to the planet surface {see Figure 2}, STOP! Do not try to keep moving up. Instead, move your Joystick right, left, or to the bottom. Do not try to move up, or E.T. might fall back into the well."
Uh huh. You've been told to move forward, aka UP, to get E.T. out of the well. Then when you're out of the well, don't press up anymore. That's like changing the rules of a traffic light! "WALK ON GREEN. NO WAIT, YOU CAN'T WALK ON GREEN ANYMORE. ENJOY BEING FRESH-BUZZED ROADKILL." Then you can go any direction, including down, to get out of a pit, but not up? Gee, what do we think of when we get out of pits? GOING UP. So why is it bad to go up when you've been going up when you've been down a well, and... hdskgjhdskjg IT'S NOT LOGICAL WHY WOULD YOU EVEN fhabgjvhjg bhtgHJGTjds
I can't comment on this game anymore. It's hurting my brain. D:
Wow. I had NO idea a port could fail so badly. I've heard horror stories of Sonic 1 being ported, but still. The ghosts are having seizures and are nearly invisible. You don't even get a Whacka-Whacka sound anymore! What you get everytime you eat a pellet is a sound of what I describe as tin robots fucking. Which unlike E.T. makes it hilarious. Unfortunately, that's it. THAT'S THE HIGHLIGHT OF THIS GAME. Robot-fucking without the robots. Otherwise... what the hell? They can't even get the fruit to look like actual fruit! Instead of cherries or strawberries, you get a single bar or a yellow box enclosed in lines, so you wouldn't even be able to tell it was there. Compare Pacman for the Atari with Ms. Pacman, and you'll be astounded how much more faithful the latter is as a port. Not only did they restore the Whacka-Whacka sound (a little bit), they even alert you to the presence of real cherries omg.
Then Puri downloaded Pitfall and began to feel better. Oh my god. D: Hell, just replaying those two awful games to refresh my memory left me hedgehog hissing. Later I played Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween for the lulz. All of AVGN's complaints were true, but at least I got a kick out of showing pixellated gore to my friends. And the lulzworthy egotistical ads:
"WIZARD VIDEO GAMES ADDS A NEW DIMENSION TO FEAR AND HORROR: PROFIT.
And we don't think you should be missing out, whether you're a dealer or a distributor, large or small. Trends are changing, creating a whole new area of interest in the video games market. That change can mean big profits for you. People are getting tired of eating dots and chasing ghosts. They want something more stimulating. Something that will really inspire and excite their imaginations. Now you can give it to them.
Horror Film Classics
By staying one step ahead of the rest, Wizard Video Games put its finger right on the new market. Halloween and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre are two of the most popular horror films in movie history. So when we developed them into video games, we knew what we were doing. Because we already knew what people wanted. And our sales prove it. So don't be the one to miss out. Call us today for more information and a complete listing of our other titles. And add a new dimension of profit to your business."
Sorry Wizard, but it's not Grand Theft Auto. :P Here's another one!
"Put aside your childish pastimes; stop eating dots and chasing ghosts... THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE is a violent videogame that lets you play the part of the vengeful Leatherface, or an innocent victim looking for safety. Know the pleasures of total destruction as you put yourself in the classic horror movie... the first violent video-game; THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE."
What they don't tell you is when you run out of fuel for your chainsaw, a little girl comes up and kicks you in the behind. :D HOW FUN IS THAT.
Now I want Repo! The Genetic Opera for Atari. I WANNA PLAY THE REPO MAN AND REPOSSESS ORGANS FOR POINTS. Dammit, I'm torn between using the funny Graverobber icon I found or a matching icon. D: IT JUST FEELS WEIRD TO PUT ANOTHER CHARACTER IN AN ENTRY QUOTING SOMEONE ELSE'S THEME SONG.
