Tribute to my Gram
ok so today has been terrible. i cant even begin to describe how bad it was. ya you all know how my mom left over a month ago.. well it just clicked in today. I was reading this piece of paper, a note my dad wrote to my mom, that he was going to send to her, saying how he missed her, and how he missed her laugh, her smile, especially when she woke up in the morning.. and i just kept thinkin about that, and then i was reading my friends away message her gram died, she was really close to the family, but then it made me start thinking about my gram, and how much i miss her, the only thing i could think at that time was how much i wanted to hug my gram and tell her how much i love her. I just wish it didnt end the way it did. I didn't go to her funeral, it was in texas, and i didnt go to her wake. I dont even think she had one. I remember the very last time i saw my gram, it was the november before she died. She died in July. Yeah what great grandaughter i am right? It wasnt really my fault. I cant even say that, it was my fault, i snuck to see her that day in november, and i could have snuck to see her after that, but i was to chicken shit, and caught up in my own life. And not a day goes by that i dont regret not being able to say goodbye or tell her how much i loved her and how much she meant to me. I mean when i was little me and my cousin amanda, this was before i wasnt allowed to see either of them, we would sit in her bathroom, or one of her vacant back rooms, and think of lyrics to songs or listen to music, and we would sing to my gram, we even made her a song of her own. I remember the smile she had on her face that day when we sang it, after we got done she hugged us both, and told us she loved us very much. She was always so supportive of everything we wanted to do in life. After that happened, it taught me to never take ne one for granted. Because of my father and mother, and some stupid thing the cops did, i wasnt allowed to see her, and she died before i could see her again. I remember that the day she died, it didnt really click when i found out. Because i remember going out and not coming home till a day later. i was grounded b/c of it. But then about a month later, i was cleaning the basement and found a bag, and i opened to see what was in it... it was a big bag full of clothes from her house. The smell of her house came rushing out of the bag, the only thing i could do was cry. I finally realized she was gone and i could never see her again. She taught me so much. I dont really care if u all think im being sappy, i need to get this out. it feels good. to finally let it ALL out.. let out how guilty i feel, let out how great of a person she was. and god was she. She used to make the greatest food too. She would make home made pickles. me and my cousin would eat jars at a time of them. She was the down south type of person so she always had "home cooking" food, the type u see in the movies, with the fried chicken, corn bread, peas, home made mashed potatoes. This is like my tribute to her. She took in my sister when she had no where to go. When nikki had a baby, she brought her in and helped nikki take care of him. Nikki was the last of any of us to see her. She died of old age, and sickness. She was so sick i dont see why i didnt go theyr, i should have known she was going to die. I just miss her beyond belief. i mean she died, over 2 yrs ago.. and i still cant believe it, i just want to hug her. I want everything to go bak to the way it was, when me and amanda, would sing to her, get into our stupid fights, and where she would tell the stories of her and gregory and her brothers. and how they would play davy crockett in the alamo, she would be davy crockett, she always was the best story teller, no matter wat, she could entertain us with some type of story about her life, or her childhood, like when she was little and believed everything in the movies, and how she saw someone jump off of a roof with a parachute and how she took her blanket and climbed on her dads big rig, and jumped off, or how she saw cowboys jump on to her horses from windmills or barns, so she took her pony and put it by her windmill and she jumped off and the pony took one step sideways and she fell.. they were funnier when she told the stories. She had this smile and laugh that would always make everyone around her laugh and smile. She'd always put on jeff foxworthy, and we would all sit in her living room and laugh together. She had 3 cats, smokey, peanut and demon, we have had them all since they were kittens. Peanut and smokey were brothers. I dont remember where demon came from, but none the less he became part of the family quick. She had two dogs. One corky, he died when i was about 7, then she got dutches, my aunt now has dutches and peanut, i dont know where smokey went. Nikki and Chuck took demon, but they had to put him to sleep b/c he was having seizures.. thats wat happened to corky. A lot of the time i just want to go to her old house, and look inside, i doubt i could bring myself to do it though, i would take one look around the place, see that someone had done something completely different from what she had, and id turn and cry. Just know that Mary Hilliard was one of the most amazing people that has ever lived. Sure she had rocky times, but everyone does. She was amazing, and i just wish she was still here. Im going to go now. this has been my tribute to my gram, i feel so guilty, that i couldnt say goodbye, or tell her that i loved her, i just hope with everything that she knew that. That she was so much more to me than my grandmother, she was pretty much my best friend. You could go to her with anything and she would never tell a single sole. She would do exactly wat a best friend does, help you through your problem and she would never leave ur side. I love you with all of my heart gram i just want you to know this... you were so amazing, you will ALWAYS hold a high place in my heart and i will NEVER ever in my life forget wat an amazing person u were, and how great of a grandmother you were. I love you.
Mary L. Moody Hilliard
July 16, 1945
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July 8, 2003