Mom's Are Weird Sumtimes
Got home from work yesterday and went out wit Coll. I thought my mom was cookin tacos last night, but when I got home, she was no where to be found..neither was my sister. Let alone the fact that the front door was open. So I go wit Coll, so she could do a few things and my mom calls. Asks where I am, and tellin me that she's cookin dinner. I'm like, alright, I figured you weren't cookin cuz you were nowhere to be found. So she gives me an attitude, and hangs up on me. I call back, no answer. I call again, she answers and she's like "I'm busssssyyyyy". Wutever. I leave it at that, cuz if I open my mouth, it's gunna be this huge arguement like it always is. I go home at like 10 last night, and she usually leaves the front door open. But I know my mother and when she gets mad, she locks all the doors and turns off the light. So I went to the side door, and I open it wit my key, and I go on-line for a few to check my mail and shit, and I go to the front door to make sure it's locked cuz I'm ready for bed. I walk over to it, and it's already locked. I read my mom like a fucken book. I go up to bed, pass out, and wake up this mornin at 7, to my mom given my sister an attitude. So, I know not to try talkin to her again today. LOL. I do my shit, get ready for work, give her a check that I owe her and I leave, and I'm just like "I'll talk to you later", since they're goin to the trailer. I'm not callin her all weekend, shit, if she wants to be nice, and call me, I'll talk to her. But I didn't do anythin for me to be gettin an attitude, so I'm not goin outta my way to please her, since I don't think I did anythin wrong. Basically, it's wutever.
I texted Eric last night, I dunno why. I went out wit him when I had first turned 17. But I stopped talkin to him, and now we just talk on and off. Like, I start talkin to him when I think I want a man, cuz I know he's a good b/f, but then I stop talkin to him, when I don't want one. It's a weird situation. Sumdays I wake up, or I start thinkin, and I'm just like "damn, I want a man", but then other days I'm like "fuck men". Ya know? I just miss cuddlin wit a special sumone, and I'm tired of feelin like guys chill for ass. LOL. Plus, I want one that my mom would like and approve of, rather than sumone I have to sneak round to be wit. Today...I feel I want a man. LMFAO.
My head goes every which way, I'm sooo screwed up right now, and I don't know how to fix it. It's crazy. I've never been this screwed up before. I mean, my father died almost 6 months ago and I still don't know how to handle it. I mean, it still feels like it was just last month, or even yesterday. I can replay the whole thing in my head from the time he first got sick last year, to visitin him in the hospital when he was in a coma, to him comin home and just not bein himself, to the last day of his life, when the paramedics came in and took him out on a strechter, to just knowin that was gunna be the last time I saw my father alive. Not that I want to keep rememberin that. I'm just so fucked up. I was so much closer to him, than I was wit my mother, and now I'm stuck wit her, and I don't have him. I try livin my life, not thinkin bout it, cuz my mom tells me one day, I'll be fine, but I know I'm not fine right now. It's a big adjustment. I just want him back, before all this shit happened. Before he died, before he got sick. I just want my old life back when he was in it...I still go out or wutever, do sumthings I like to do, but I'm fine on the outside, I'm just torn up inside, and I can't take anythin else if it comes, cuz the truth is, when I'm by myself, I think sum crazy shit.