Musings of a Madman
I'm happy with my life. That's how it starts. I sit here on my favorite couch and I think, "I'm happy with my life." Then... I do a stupid thing. I actually THINK about it. Then comes the people I've lost, the way my heart was destroyed, money, how I used to have things much easier and I thought I had it bad then.
Ok, this sounds horribly emo. And it is. but my life isn't all bad. I have AMAZING friends. But even that's been rocked. I had a friend utterly stab me in the back. Well, two friends. One of whom I haven't spoken to since the day I found out. The other, I live with, for now. He is leaving at the end of the month. I'm both happy and not happy by this. He was a great friend. We got along famously. But now, every time I look at him I see him telling me what happened. I think about the act and it kills. He's not leaving because of what happened, at least that's what he says. So now, I question the trust I have for other friends. I know we haven't been friends nearly as long as most of my main friends, but, this make me think about everything. I've lost that, innocence. I miss that. I miss thinking I knew how everyone was. Now I don't even know who I am.
And that's the point I'm getting at, I've changed. So much in the last two months. It's ridiculous. I really don't know who I am anymore. I've said things I never thought I would. Let go of people I swore would always be around. I have no control. No inhibitions. If I want to do something, consequences be damned. I'm gonna do it. If someone pisses me off, I don't even stop to calm down, try and see their side. I just lash out. It's not cool. I guess this is part of growing up. Which is something I never wanted to do. Still don't. Peter Pan FTW. Life FTL.
I miss her. Insanely. She's still constantly on my mind. And I hate it. I'm ready to move on. No doubt about that. She changed me. Mostly for good. I'll always remember every detail. Everything I promised her I'd never forget. Her laugh. Her smile. The way she smelled. The way she made me feel complete. But mostly, the way she destroyed me. The way she did whatever she felt like, with no regard for how it would affect me.
Life goes on. For one reason or another. I had more to say. But I'm drawing a blank. and Lost is almost on.
Ok, this sounds horribly emo. And it is. but my life isn't all bad. I have AMAZING friends. But even that's been rocked. I had a friend utterly stab me in the back. Well, two friends. One of whom I haven't spoken to since the day I found out. The other, I live with, for now. He is leaving at the end of the month. I'm both happy and not happy by this. He was a great friend. We got along famously. But now, every time I look at him I see him telling me what happened. I think about the act and it kills. He's not leaving because of what happened, at least that's what he says. So now, I question the trust I have for other friends. I know we haven't been friends nearly as long as most of my main friends, but, this make me think about everything. I've lost that, innocence. I miss that. I miss thinking I knew how everyone was. Now I don't even know who I am.
And that's the point I'm getting at, I've changed. So much in the last two months. It's ridiculous. I really don't know who I am anymore. I've said things I never thought I would. Let go of people I swore would always be around. I have no control. No inhibitions. If I want to do something, consequences be damned. I'm gonna do it. If someone pisses me off, I don't even stop to calm down, try and see their side. I just lash out. It's not cool. I guess this is part of growing up. Which is something I never wanted to do. Still don't. Peter Pan FTW. Life FTL.
I miss her. Insanely. She's still constantly on my mind. And I hate it. I'm ready to move on. No doubt about that. She changed me. Mostly for good. I'll always remember every detail. Everything I promised her I'd never forget. Her laugh. Her smile. The way she smelled. The way she made me feel complete. But mostly, the way she destroyed me. The way she did whatever she felt like, with no regard for how it would affect me.
Life goes on. For one reason or another. I had more to say. But I'm drawing a blank. and Lost is almost on.